Journal3

Journal

Monday, March 26, 2001

Chocolate is still doing relatively well - the weather changed from about 56 degrees to 16 degrees over the weekend; her limp seems to react to changes in weather - the limp is very noticeable this morning. But she ate well and is wagging and smiling, so we're holding our own. We'll be getting input from the specialist this week, so until then . .

Saturday, March 31, 2001

We have the diagnosis, and it's just what I feared. Chocolate�s no longer in remission. Her kidney's are 75% necrotic, and the x-rays taken show a very large bone tumor on her right shoulder, as well as a smaller one on the lower left leg. A bone spur also shows up in her left shoulder which indicates a degenerative joint condition that would require surgery. Which of course, is out of the question because of her kidneys and the toxidity to them. I am at least reassured that I made the right decision not amputating. Had the right leg been removed, her left leg could not have supported her. So at least, she's had almost three months of quality life. But I see in her eyes there will be no more chasing squirrels, playing tag, or catching a frisbee. Chocolate came home today with 10 mg. Torbutrol tabs. Just in case the pain becomes unbearable before I take her back for the last time. So little time left to say my goodbyes to her.

For the first time in almost nine years I left the clinic without purchasing a case of Science Diet. All restricted, healthy diets are off!! Nothing I can do now will change the outcome. It's no longer a question of "if", but "when." We're going to do McDonalds hamburgers, Kentucky Fried chicken, Fazoli's spaghetti, and DQ icecream. To this day, not a whimper from Chocolate. (She thinks she's protecting my feelings). My brave girl until the end. I don't know how I will be able to look into her eyes and then put her down, but I know it has to be done. So we'll celebrate her birthday Friday for the last time. What an ordeal this has been. I will never be the same.

Winter has been awful this year. I was afraid spring wouldn't get here soon enough for Chocolate to enjoy it at all, but we've had two or three days of nice weather and she�s been able to soak up some sun. (Don't have to be mobile to lay in the sun, I'm grateful for that anyway.)

In a period of three or four days she has gone from a happy, joyous dog to a dog that's sinking fast. I think maybe she is just getting "tired" of fighting this disease.

And as of Saturday, she is spending her days "coma-like" with Torbutrol for pain relief. I was hoping for pain relief that would not diminish the quality of Chocolate's life. This isn't my Chocolate any longer. Chocolate was full of life. This Chocolate is sleeping 24-7, waking just to eat and take care of business outside. And when she goes out, I have to help her up and down the stairs. She looks so bewildered, and with osteosarcoma on both the left and right side, she can hardly move. I'm taking vacation days Tuesday and Wednesday to be with her. I need to be with her so that I can make the right decision.

Monday, April 2, 2001

Wednesday, April 4, 2001

There are a number of tests that could be done to determine exactly where all the cancer has spread but, knowing chocolate�s terminal, I don't see any reason to put her through any more. She's been doing a lot of sleeping this week and doesn't seem to be in any excruciating pain, but I wonder if she's hiding it from me? I've been sleeping on the floor with her all week. And taking her for rides in the car. As of last night her appetite is off. She seems to be content, but knowing Chocolate was never a dog to be "content" (she had to be chasing squirrels, playing outside, going for a walk, or just be ornery), I think her quality of life is gone.

I wonder if I need to put her down this weekend. And the decision is killing me. I don't want to rob her of even one good day, but I don't want to risk putting her through even one day of agonizing pain. I HATE this disease.

Friday, March 30, 2001

Chocolate has had some bad days and I'm so scared her time is getting short. I think whatever is going on with her is no less painful or any more treatable than the bone cancer. These ups and downs are making me an emotional wreck. A week ago she was doing so well that I thought her birthday next Friday would be one of many more. Tonight I'm just hoping she's well enough to celebrate it one last time. Her limping seems to increase with cold weather, and a week ago we had a 40 degree drop in temperature within 12 hours, so I wasn't that concerned when her limping returned the next day. But it was 60 degrees today, and there's been no improvement - it's been over a week now. Chocolate's now just sort of letting her right leg "hang", and the paw is beginning to curve under. She's using it a little - kind of "hopping" on it. She hasn't been lying on her bad side, not even when I brushed her tonight. Her right and left shoulder seem different today. Either the right shoulder joint is bigger, or the muscles in the shoulder are beginning to atrophy.

I guess it doesn't matter what the cause is - her quality of life is the bottom line. I am afraid her kidneys are failing again (her breath is terrible). She's still wagging for me and eating well, but I have to help her up and down the stairs and on and off the bed now. She just seems so old and worn out all of a sudden. We haven't been able to take a walk all week, and walking is probably Choco's favorite activity. I'm watching her sleep right now; she's so still, I just realized she no longer chases "things" in her sleep (you know how all four paws move in a running motion and you hear little barks and yips and you know they're on the trail of a bunny or squirrel). We have an appointment tomorrow for more x-rays and blood work, but I am really fearful of what I'm going to hear. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, March 5, 2001

Seems the more we care about our pets, the more human they become. If one more person asks me why I don't just have her put to sleep � if I hear one more time, �it's just a dog," I�m going to scream. That's the comment that enrages me the most.

Chocolate jumps on my bed every morning and settles for the day with her snout on the window sill, waiting for me to return from work. Once, when she was younger and more lively, she jumped through that same window (and screen) raced to the driveway, and was at my car door smiling and wagging before I had turned off the ignition. This same "just a dog" was a surrogate mother to an abandoned kitten my daughter brought home. After my daughter and/or I had bottle-fed this tiny kitten, Chocolate would lick her clean and let her snuggle up against her warm doggy belly. JUST A DOG??????

About 2 years ago, after surgery during which Chocolate had a benign tumor removed, she turned up her nose at food. Being desperate and probably overly concerned (and a little crazy about my dog - ask anyone!), I set my dinner plate on the floor next to the dog dish and sat with Chocolate and ate my dinner. First I took a bite off my plate, then I would offer Chocolate a bite from her dish. Bingo!! This crazy dog not only learned to take food from a fork, she has been fork-fed for two years!!! Won't touch her food unless she can take it from a fork (or a spoon.) Oh well, what's a little inconvenience between best pals, right? Just wish I could teach her to open the can and do the dishes :-)

Friday, March 16, 2001

Chocolate had her two-week check-up yesterday. The vet says she's "stable." She is no longer anemic, she's once again creating platelets and, with the exception of cholesterol and albumin, all blood levels are in the normal range. She's actually healthier than she was when she was initially seen for her limp, but her limp has become more pronounced the last 3 or 4 days, and osteosarcoma still hasn't been ruled out. This is driving me crazy. The limp comes and goes - bad some days and barely perceptible other days. An oncologist will be coming to the clinic this week, or next, to look over all the x-rays. After that's been done, we'll maybe have another diagnosis (and maybe not). It's possible that Chocolate's problem may be a degenerative joint disorder, which is very painful and difficult to treat, but not the death sentence that osteosarcoma is.