Series: Post Meridian � Part 4
Author: Major Clanger
Email: [email protected]
Category: angst, h/c (more of the c than the h)
Pairing: not really paired but it�s Jack/Daniel
Spoilers: Season 6 Abyss, Season 5 Meridian and Menace, Season 2 In the Line of Duty, Season 3 Urgo, Season 1 Need
Season: 6
Rating: PG-13
Warning: It�s set after S5 Meridian, Daniel has ascended Jones is in it
Status: Complete
Summary: After Jack�s return from Baal�s prison, Jonas wants to know how he got through the ordeal.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and all its characters belong to a shadowy organisation known as The Powers That Be (TPTB). Scarier and shadowier, even than the NID. In writing this story no copyright infringement was intended. However, the original characters, situations and stories are the property of the author. That is me � and I write under the name of �Major Clanger� for reasons that are unclear, even to me � so please leave them alone. These stories may not be posted elsewhere without my consent, although since I�m a shameless self-publicist, if you write and ask the it is highly likely that I will agree.
Author's notes: 1. Writing about Jonas is like picking a scab � impossible to avoid. And once I�d started my little series of Jack/Daniel/Jonas fics, it made it even harder to stay away. I just hope I do them justice. This is part of my little Post Meridian series, and it will help greatly if you�d read the others first: Without Menaces, Ave Atque Vale, Non Omnis Moriar (yes, a free Latin lesson with nearly every fic!)
2. It strikes me that the Jack in this fic is a little lethargic and too �off canon� even when you consider that it is a slashfic and so about as far off canon as it�s possible to get. However, much as I enjoyed S6, it was even more like a vaguely connected bunch of �stand alone� episodes than usual for Stargate SG-1. So I make no apologies for giving Jack a reaction to what happened when the Tok�ra and Baal had finished with him. And sorry, I�m no psychologist and I�m too lazy for proper research, so my apologies if his reaction is totally unbelievable.
3. Thanks to Sazz and Feli for the betas.
Sure, they had been as gentle as possible with him � to the point where he had totally lost it and shouted at the poor nurse that he wasn�t a damned china doll, and she could just jab him in the usual, painful manner. He could still hear his voice echoing around the quiet room, see the look of horror on the young woman�s face as he added that nothing she did to him could compare in any way to being killed countless times by Baal. Jack, never a cruel man, had hardly recognised himself in the creature that had delighted in giving as many gory details as possible before bellowing at her to leave him alone.
The nurse, about the same size and weight as Doctor Frasier he guessed, had stood her ground. Later, lying in the calm darkness of the middle of the night, Jack admired the tenaciousness and dedication to duty that had made his nurse ride out the storm and attend her patient. Quietly she had waited until he had conquered his anger and continued with her examination gentle as before. Jack lay spent, too exhausted to do more than close his eyes and wait for her to finish. Since then, he had always called her Nurse Dragon, and he had always done as she requested without a murmur of dissent.
The visitor remained.
Because he had felt neither the gentle shaking of his shoulder, which indicated the presence of the nurse, nor the less subtle grip on his elbow, which meant that the chief medical officer required his attention, Jack confirmed his suspicion that he had a genuine, honest-to-goodness visitor.
Not absolutely sure that he wanted to see anyone, and definitely sure that he didn�t want anyone seeing him, Jack kept his eyes resolutely closed. In his mind it became a battle of wills. Would he cave in and let his curiosity get the better of him? Or would the visitor take the hint and go away?
Not if it�s Teal�c, Jack thought. I hope he�s brought something better than grapes.
Despite Jack�s pain and fatigue, his finely honed sixth sense told him that the presence in the room was not menacing. Nor was it comforting, but he knew there was nothing for him to worry about.
He decided to go with his instinct and said, �hi, Teal�c,� without bothering to open his eyes.
�O�Neill. I have brought you...�
�Yeah, I know. Grapes.� Jack�s eyes opened a crack.
�...the latest copy of the National Enquirer,� Teal�c placed the folded paper on the side table. �And some grapes.�
Teal�c remained standing near the bed, not close enough to invade the Colonel�s personal space, but not far enough away for his presence not to be noticed. As always he exuded a steady, calming aura that, for once, completely failed to work on Jack.
�For crying out loud, Teal�c. I never read that stuff.�
�On the contrary, O�Neill. I have noticed that you often peruse...�
�Yah, okay. Sometimes,� Jack flapped his hand towards the grapes. �Thanks.�
�You are welcome.�
In the ensuing quiet, Jack reflected that in the past he had often attempted to fill the yawning silences that inevitably occurred when he was talking to Teal�c. He noticed that on this occasion, as on the preceding few days, he didn�t have the energy to attempt to dredge up something by way of conversation. More than that, Jack didn�t even have the desire to find the energy to make polite chit-chat.
Something else to chalk up to Baal and the snakeheads.
Jack rubbed his face and was surprised at the amount of rough stubble on his chin. Trying to recall how long he had been in the infirmary, he gave up when he couldn�t immediately pinpoint his arrival.
Teal�c calmly regarded the man on the bed. In his service as First Prime of Apophis he had seen many people tortured to death and revived countless times, on occasions too numerous to mention. He had no idea of how often this had happened to O�Neill, but he was sure it had been many. Not for the first time since the CO of SG-1 had escaped Baal�s fortress, Teal�c wondered how O�Neill had managed to come through the ordeal with his mind intact. He had listened to what he believed to be the Colonel�s ravings about how Daniel had been there, and dismissed them as tricks of a mind determined not to give in to the Goa�uld.
Jack despatched the grapes in quick order and resisted the temptation to flick through the scandal sheet.
In keeping with his previous form, Teal�c stayed with his friend for almost thirty minutes, during which time conversation was conspicuous by its absence. Nevertheless but Teal�c hoped that his quiet presence still offered O�Neill some much needed comfort and distraction. Finally, Teal�c�s internal clock reminded him it was time to go. He gave O�Neill a polite inclination of his head and left.
Sighing, Jack rolled his eyes and started a silent count. He got as far as twenty elephants before his nemesis � the nurse � wheeled in her trolley and started fussing over his charts. Jack submitted to her checks with silent, bad grace and wished he were anywhere else on the planet. Any planet. Well, except Baal�s, of course.
The day rolled on following pretty much the same routine as the previous however many days Jack had spent in the infirmary. He wished fervently that Daniel would come back and talk to him, tell him it was all over and offer the comfort he had given in Baal�s prison. Daniel stayed away, and Jack became more and more convinced as the time drifted slowly by, that everything he had experienced during those long hours alone in the cell had truly been an hallucination.
That afternoon, the routine deviated from the norm shortly before the evening meal was brought from the commissary.
�You�re doing well, Colonel,� Doctor MacKenzie�s voice penetrated Jack�s perusal of what Teal�c considered appropriate reading matter for a convalescent Colonel.
Jack cursed under his breath. He wasn�t surprised by the doctor�s visit, rather he was surprised it hadn�t happened sooner. Pasting an indifferent smirk on his face, he said, �Sure.�
�However��
�How did I know that was coming?� Jack drawled, turning a page and ignoring the presence of the psychiatrist.
�However, colonel, I feel that you would progress further � and quicker � if you would��
�No.�
�You don�t know what I�m going to say.�
�Yes I do. It�s what you shrinks always say,� Jack adopted a squeaky tone, � �oh, Colonel O�Neill, if you would only open up to us�� �
�Colonel O�Neill, you know perfectly well that we can�t allow you to resume active duty until you have fully recovered. That means mentally, as well as physically.�
�I�m fine. Look at my charts. Doc Frasier � the hardest woman in the universe to please, as you well know � is happy, the nurses are happy, I�m happy. Everyone is happy. Except you, apparently.� Jack folded the paper and put it on the night stand. He raised his eyes to meet those of the doctor. �I do not want to have one of you guys poking around in my head. I�m shy like that.�
�You will be signed off active duty until you attend at least three sessions.�
�Great. I can go fishing, paint the porch, tidy the basement,� Jack lay back and closed his eyes.
MacKenzie sighed, paused by the end of Jack�s bed for a moment and then left without another word. He walked into doctor Frasier�s office and gratefully took the coffee she handed him. �Colonel O�Neill is adamant about not receiving any counselling, and I can�t release him for active duty until I can fully evaluate his condition.�
�Well, I can�t keep him in here much longer. So unless you want him transferred to a psych unit?�
�No, that�s not necessary. Keep him here for another three days, and watch him for any signs of depression or PTSD. I will want to see him for a follow-up evaluation in a few days. Perhaps we could let him go home, sign him off for a week or two, see how he feels after that.�
�Fine. Janet nodded. �We�ll keep a close eye on him. I�ll give him the good news in the morning. After I�ve spoken to General Hammond,� Doctor Frasier made a note on the file that was open on her desk, glanced quickly over what she had written then closed the folder and placed it on the out tray. �That should keep him happy.�
~*~
�How does he do it?�
�Do what, Jonas?�
�Carry on as though nothing has happened.�
�Practice I guess,� Sam snapped her notebook closed and disconnected it from the power cable. �It�s not the first time he�s been tortured.� There was a short pause before Sam broke the uneasy silence that had descended after her glib statement. �Of course, last time I heard, Sadly Insane didn�t have a sarcophagus.� She grimaced at Jonas� questioning expression. �Look at it this way�this is the first time the Colonel has been brought back from the dead countless times.�
�Which brings me back to my original question.�
For once, Sam noted, Jonas� face wasn�t adorned with his perma-smile. Not sure if this novelty was a good or a bad thing, Sam continued to pack away her belongings. �I�m off now. I�ll drop in on the Colonel and check if he needs anything. Want to come with me?�
�No.� Jonas hurried to explain himself. �I�m going to finish this report then go to the infirmary after that. I guess he doesn�t get too many visitors after hours. It must be lonely.�
�He doesn�t get too many visitors, period,� Sam added with a wry smile. �Can�t blame anyone really, he�s not a very good patient.�
�Teal�c doesn�t seem to mind.�
�Maybe it�s a Jaffa thing.� Sam shoved her notebook and a few other things into her bag. �Thanks for letting me camp out in your office. The admin Sergeant told me I can go back into mine tomorrow.�
�No problem.� He grinned. �Come back if the smell of paint is too much for you.�
Sam had reached the door. She raised a hand and ran it through her hair. Giving the office a quick glance, she tried not to notice how much it had changed since Jonas had taken it over. Crammed full before, it was now even more packed with reference works, artefacts and, of course, the television permanently tuned to the weather channel. It ran constantly, mostly with the volume off, but Sam knew that Jonas was fascinated by the technology that could predict shifts in global weather patterns. Certain that over the past three days, while her own office was being painted, he had missed listening to the reports, Sam vaguely wondered how long it would be before Jonas switched on the volume. �Jonas, are you okay?�
�Why do you ask?�
�No reason, just checking.� Sam exited the room and Jonas reached for the TV remote control. He was tapping impatiently at the volume control button when he felt, rather than saw Sam stick her head around the half-open door. �Hey, Jonas!�
�Major Carter?�
�Blue tomorrow.� She grinned as her teammate made as if to throw the remote at her and ducked out of the doorway again. Feeling more light-hearted than she had in a long while, Sam went to visit the infirmary�s infamous inmate, hoping that he was in better spirits, but bracing herself for more verbal abuse in case he wasn�t.
~*~
What�s on your mind, Jonas?�
�It can wait,� Jonas didn�t see the point in denying outright that there was something bugging him.
�Spit it out for cryin� out loud! You haven�t said a word in ten minutes. Your lips are usually flapping nineteen to the dozen at this time of day,� Jack pushed himself into a sitting position, waving away Jonas� solicitous attempt to help him with a curt shake of his hand.
�Really, it can wait. � Jonas looked around, embarrassed that the colonel had read him so accurately.
The visit had begun as his visits usually did. Jonas had smuggled a beer in this evening, as well as the previous day�s issue of USA today. As usual, Jonas had been pumped for information about the current state of events at the SGC. And, as usual, Jonas had skilfully declined to impart anything of real significance during his and Jack�s twenty-minute conversation.
General Hammond, on Doctor Fraiser�s orders, had warned the non-convalescent members of his flagship team that they were not to talk to the Colonel about anything that might excite him. Or make him likely to break out of the infirmary and attempt to join a mission. A further precaution had been to take SG-1 off the duty roster, ostensibly to give them a chance to catch up on reports and paperwork. In reality, they had needed the downtime almost as much as their Commanding Officer, although not one of the three would admit it.
Jack drummed his fingers against the folded newspaper balanced across his lap and stared at Jonas. He knew that he could keep this up for hours, but wasn�t sure of his adversary. Never one to shy away from a challenge, Jack resorted to his tried and trusted method of information extraction. A silent, relentless stare. It was the less violent version, anyway. He wasn�t feeling anywhere as weak as he had been when he had first returned to the Cheyenne Mountain complex, but he wasn�t yet up to his top form.
Momentarily distracted from his silent interrogation of Jonas, Jack took a moment to wonder just how bad it had been for Daniel to go cold turkey from his sarcophagus addiction. It seemed like a lifetime ago that Carter, Teal�c and Jack had been stuck in that deadly mine while Daniel lived the life of Riley with Shayla. The back-breaking work had, however, faded into insignificance in Jack�s mind as he had watched his friend go through the painful, horrific withdrawal. A quick flash of the expression on Daniel�s face that time when Jack had casually referred to having �gone through the drugged-out, strapped-down� routine seemed so real that, for a millisecond, Jack believed that Daniel had returned.
Jack had thought he�d lost his friend forever in that madness, but suddenly, Jack had been shocked to see himself in Daniel�s wild-eyed, terrified face. Jack had been in that same dark place before, and the recognition had thankfully been enough of a catalyst to pull his friend back from the brink of insanity. Not so thankfully, it had also been enough to resurface memories Jack thought he had forever buried.
Jonas sat patiently, watching the almost imperceptible changes in Jack�s expression. He took the opportunity to do some thinking of his own, and went back to the question he had asked Major Carter a few hours before. Over the past couple of days Jonas had tried, and failed, to imagine how he would have reacted in Jack�s position. It was, put simply, impossible to contemplate. Until recently, Jonas had never been in a life-threatening position and he counted himself lucky.
Quickly he revised that thought. Until recently, he had only ever been in one near-fatal situation. Daniel had come to the rescue then, Jonas had been paralysed with fear and the memory of� He shook his head to clear all thoughts of home from his head. Now was not the time to dwell on things that could not be changed. Jonas was watching Jack closely and was stunned when he saw the other man�s lips move. Suddenly it became clear. If I were in such a situation, I would be thinking of� Jonas� mind shied away from actually forming the thought, but his previous train of thought made it impossible for him not to form a picture of Cyrus.
The two men sat in silence for a few, increasingly uncomfortable, minutes. Each was only partially lost in his own thoughts. Both Jonas and Jack were giving each other surreptitious, speculative looks.
Finally, as Jack knew he would, Jonas spoke, intentionally making his voice sound casual. �So, Colonel, how did you get through the days on Baal�s planet?�
�That�s blunt.�
�It�s my middle name,� Jonas grinned, trying out a phrase he�d heard on the television. He winced as Jack rolled his eyes. �I�ve been branching out. Watching the Sci-fi channel instead of just the weather.�
�Sci-fi? Nothing good on there, you might want to try ESPN instead. Hockey, that�s what you want, not rubber aliens.�
�Some of the aliens are...� Jonas shook his head. �Nice try, colonel. Now how about telling me how you did it? I mean, if nothing else, it may help me at some point in the future.�
Jack looked over at Jonas who was slowly realising what he had just said. �It�s not a given that you will be captured and tortured by a Goa�uld, you know.�
There followed more of the uncomfortable silence while Jonas digested this. He patted his pockets and eventually came up triumphant with a candy bar. �These are great. Do you want one?�
Jack turned the offered sweet over and over in his hands, examining the familiar packaging, stroking a forefinger gently over the name emblazoned along the length of the wrapper: Fifth Avenue. He could feel the ridges and bumps of the surface of the chocolate within and had no desire to eat it, despite the fact that he was fairly hungry. Commissary food was not a gastronomic delight at the best of times. Commissary food, which had been wheeled to the infirmary and reheated in a microwave was beyond the pale.
To the chagrin of the medical staff, the Colonel had only picked at his meals during his stay in their establishment, and it was one of the factors that Doctor Frasier had taken into consideration when she had discussed his release with Doctor MacKenzie.
Sitting in the dismal infirmary, in the absence of any information from the man concerned, Jonas began to formulate his own theory as to how Jack had come through countless torture sessions with his mind more or less intact. He cast his mind back to the last real conversation he had had with anyone, watched the listless movements of the man opposite him and decided to find out. He thought about what he would do to survive, to hold onto his sanity. And the only thing Jonas knew would keep him from going over the edge were his memories of Cyrus. He wondered if Jack had done the same. �Doctor Jackson was with you somehow.�
The fact that it was not a question didn�t escape Jack and he sighed. He hated to admit it, but Jonas was as intuitive as Daniel, and just as dogged when he wanted to know something. The pain of having lost something he never really had bit deeper. He leaned back against his pillow and let the candy bar drop onto the covers. Jack closed his eyes and internally debated the wisdom of getting into this conversation with Jonas, of all people. He resisted opening up to anyone, let alone someone who was still a relative enigma, but the temptation to offload some of his confused feelings was winning out. Looming between them, however, was still the matter of Daniel and Jonas� evening together on Kelowna. Although he tried hard not to identify it as such, Jack�s feelings about that... rendezvous... still bordered on jealousy.
Patience was something Jonas had learned long ago. The diplomatic position he had held supporting the Kelownan First Minister had demanded a great deal of it, so he remained where he was and waited for his adversary to speak first. He couldn�t exactly put a finger on when he had started to think of Jack in such terms, but he was determined to discover just what had caused the experienced Colonel to descend into what could only be described as depression.
Famous at the SGC for having his nose in a book at all times, Jonas had found it relatively easy to research the possible consequences of prolonged imprisonment and torture. Due to the nature of the Stargate operation there was plenty of literature lying about concerning PTSD, and Jonas had spoken at length to both Doctors Frasier and MacKenzie. The medics had imparted their knowledge willingly, and recommended further reading and various websites, in the hope that SG-1 could boost their leader back to the point where he could begin to recover.
Jack's internal sensors told him that his visitor was still watching him, and that knowledge made him stubbornly keep his eyes closed. Although he was used to sitting quiet and still for long periods of time, both from sitting in observation posts and from hours sat by the side of a lake waiting for fish to bite, for some strange reason he was beginning to feel uncomfortable. He reasoned that it had more to do with who was watching him, rather than the fact that he was being watched � which was disconcerting enough. Jack was stumped as to what his next move should be. He opened his eyes and was astonished to see Jonas� gloomy expression and the far away look in his eye.
Not for the first time since Daniel had ascended, Jack pondered the relationship that Jonas had enjoyed with him. They had known each other such a short time, and yet Daniel had risked his own life to save the Kelownans. Risked? Given. He gave his life, and then defended Jonas. What was that all about? Jack looked at Jonas and decided once and for all to ask him what had happened on Kelowna. Just what had he and Daniel talked about? The question had to be asked because whatever it was had resulted in Jonas being alternatively solicitious and prickly with Jack.
�You okay?� was all he said. He said it again, a little louder, startling Jonas from his thoughts.
�Excuse me? Sorry, I was miles away.�
�Home?� That feeling was well known to Jack, the one where you thought you would never see anything familiar ever again, that your life had shrivelled into a small sphere of existence that would end only with your expiry. �You know, I�m sure that we could negotiate for you to go back.�
Jonas looked at Jack in disbelief. He shook his head slightly and shrugged his shoulders. �Not home, and there�s no going back.� His voice was the quiet whisper of finality that Jack recognised.
Sighing, Jack lost whatever patience he didn't have to begin with and waved his hand at Jonas in a dismissive gesture. �You�d better go. The night dragon will be in soon to throw you out, anyway.�
Jonas surprised Jack with his immediate capitulation. He merely stood and nodded, not giving his usual beaming smile and a promise to return the next day.
This stunned Jack for a few seconds and it allowed his visitor to reach the door before he spoke again. �I�m getting out tomorrow,� Jack suddenly told him. �Going home for a few days. After that, I'll be good as new.�
Jonas merely nodded, held open the door for a nurse carrying a tray, then disappeared through the doorway and went back to his quarters.
�I heard that, Sir,� the nurse fastened the BP cuff around Jack�s arm and warmed the end of her stethescope before pressing it against his skin.
�Which part?� Jack made a face as the nurse removed the cuff and put a thermometer in his mouth.
Frowning as Jack tried to talk around the protuberance, she quickly finished her examination, leaving the thermometer in his mouth half a minute longer than necessary. Finally she removed it, noted the result and gave her patient a bright smile. �All of it. Both the �dragon� part and that bit about �getting out�. You know, saying things like that only makes it worse when you come back.�
�If I come back,� Jack nearly managed a smile.
�Whatever you say, Sir. My money is on you being out of here for three weeks, and only that long because you�re going to play the brave soldier more than usual.�
�How much?�
�What?�
�How much do you have riding on it? We could split the winnings...� he was interrupted as the nurse busied herself plumping up his pillows and smoothing the rough Air Force issue blankets.
�That, Sir, would be cheating. It�s only twenty bucks.�
�Enough for beer and pizza.�
�Not sharing, sir. I�d rather you stayed out of here.�
�Thanks for nothing!�
The nurse was relieved to see something of the usual twinkle that Jack got in his eye when he was bantering with the nurses. It had been absent for the duration of his current stay, and had been giving cause for concern. She briefly wondered what it was that had made the change, and in the absence of any other cause, settled for the fact that he was happy to be going home. And that was a good sign, she knew. She finished up, and with a final pat of the bedclothes wished her patient a good night and left the room.
Jack smiled.
�Glad to be going home?� Daniel sat on the chair recently vacated by his replacement on the team.
Jack blinked trying to conceal his surprise by pasting a bland expression on his face. �Glad to see you. Where have you been?� Daniel looked well, Jack thought. In fact he looked just as he had when Jack had seen him in Baal�s fortress. The cream sweater and tan pants had been Daniel�s favourite outfit while he was still� Jack still hadn�t worked how to refer to the pre-ascension Daniel. Alive was wrong, since he was not technically dead. He shook his head to dispel the thought and tried to concentrate on Daniel.
�Around.�
�Around here?�
�No, just around,� Daniel made one of the vague hand movements that had become so familiar to Jack over the years they had worked together. �Kind of �need to know� stuff.�
Jack�s smile vanished and he coughed in surprise. �Need to know? You�ve been spending too much time around the military, Daniel. You should find some new friends.� His expression hardened. �Oh, I forgot. You have.�
Daniel wrapped his arms around his middle and slumped forwards. �Ouch! That was below the belt, Jack.�
�Really? Sorry.� Jack didn�t look at all apologetic. �You can�t blame me... and besides, it�s not like I can really hurt you.�
A flicker of sadness crossed Daniel�s face. �You understand why I couldn�t help you.� It wasn�t a question. His expression changed to one of regret and apology.
Jack nodded but the anger on his face belied his agreement. He was still uncomprehending of the fact that Daniel had been prepared to stand by and watch him suffer and die countless times, but not to bust him out or end it all. �Yeah. Sure. Whatever.�
�Jack...I...� Daniel was lost for words. They had been over this again and again in the cell.
�It�s okay, Daniel. You don�t want to piss off your new friends. I understand. They�re way cooler than us. It�s fine.� There was a short pause while Jack built up to his finale. �Anyway, in case you hadn�t noticed, we�re doing just fine without you. Fine and dandy. Your replacement is doing well. He�s read and memorised everything you ever wrote. It�s just like you never went away. Except, of course, that you did.�
Daniel had a look of patient understanding on his face. On anyone else, it would have made Jack want to punch him. The expression angered him. Ever since he'd been back, everyone had been looking at him like that. Like he was fragile, shattered. Coming from Daniel, it was worse, because Daniel had been there. Daniel had seen what they'd done to him. He didn't want that reminder of how close he'd come to breaking.
Jack didn�t think he could bear one more ounce of understanding, sympathy or pity. He lay back and closed his eyes. �Go back to your new friends, Daniel. Leave me alone.�
�Jack��
�Daniel.� Turning on his side Jack indicated that the conversation had ended. �I mean, it�s not like you�re really here, is it? It�s not quite like Urgo really being there in our heads, but it�s just as bad� worse,� the last word was a whisper.
�Jack��
�Daniel. Go. Away.� Jack's voice was an angry rasp. �Is that clear enough for you?�
There was a creak as the door opened. Jack turned his head towards the direction of the sound. Jonas poked his head around and it was only then that Jack realised that Daniel was no longer there. �Um� I was thinking. Do you need some help getting home tomorrow?�
�Nope.�
�Sure?�
�Yep.�
�Oh. Okay then.�
�Bye.�
�Yes. Bye,� Jonas hesitated in the doorway a pensive frown creasing his forehead.
�Was there something else?� Jack scowled at the other man.
�Were you talking to someone just now?�
�Nope. Just myself.�
Jonas gave one of those quizzical looks that indicated his brain was working overtime. Before Jonas could say anything else, Jack pointedly hunched over a little more and pulled the covers over his head. Taking his cue, Jonas left, closing the door this time.
~*~
Jonas walked briskly to his quarters and took a quick shower and brushed his teeth. Pulling on a clean t-shirt and some sweats he grabbed the robe hanging behind the door and went back into his room. He picked up the TV remote on his way over to his bed. It wasn�t until he was sitting, propped up against the headboard that he realised he wasn�t alone.
�Hi, Jonas.�
Jonas covered his surprise at seeing Daniel apparently alive and well. Jonas casually crossed one ankle across the other, gazed at the other man before speaking. �Hi.�
�It�s not very comfortable here. Kinda cold.�
�It�s warmer than my last place. I�m not complaining, Daniel.� He had almost forgotten the impact one of Daniel�s intense stares could have on him, and Jonas had a hard job covering his reaction to seeing him again. His stomach churned at seeing the other man, although he wasn�t sure if it was the surprise of seeing Daniel, or worry for the effect his sudden apperance in the infirmary might have on Jack. He affected an attitude of nonchalance and waited to see what Daniel would have to say.
Jonas� furniture consisted of a wide-screen television, a narrow bed, a small desk and hard chair and an easy chair. Wanting more space in the middle of the room, Jonas had pushed all the movable furniture against the walls, and used the mat in the centre to do a routine of sit-ups, squats and push-ups before breakfast each morning. Daniel was sitting in the easy chair, which was diagonally opposite the bed, partially shadowed in the corner.
It became clear that his visitor was not going to break the silence so Jonas filled it. �Have you been to see Jack?�
Daniel smiled. �Of course. Although I don�t think he was pleased about it.�
�Why could that be?� Jonas� tone was one Daniel hadn�t heard him use before, slightly snarky with the familiar tones of one Colonel Jonathon O�Neill � with two Ls.
�You�ve been hanging around with Jack too much, Jonas.� Daniel folded his arms over his chest.
Jonas blushed. �I could say the same to you. I wasn�t sure until this evening, but you were with him in Baal�s cell weren't you?� he resumed his usual conversational tone. �Is he going to be alright?�
�I�m not that sort of doctor.� Daniel�s half-smile faded as he saw the expression of sorrow on Jonas� face. �I�m sorry, okay!� He stood and began to pace the room. �I�m sorry. I couldn�t help him. He understood that... I thought he understood. But it seems that he... that I...� he sat down abruptly.
�Why? Why couldn�t you help him?� Jonas wasn�t accusatory, merely interested.
�We're not supposed to interfere.�
�I don�t pretend to have known you that well when you were... when you had a physical body. But since I got here I have read your work and I think I know you pretty well by now. Since when did playing by the rules interest you? How often have you argued that point with the Colonel?�
Daniel stopped pacing and looked at Jonas. He wasn�t surprised that his replacement was so mad at him, wasn�t at all surprised that Jack had so obviously engaged Jonas� loyalty, despite their shaky start. Oddly it pleased him, reinforced the knowledge that his own loyalty in both men had not been misplaced.
Jonas was now leaning against the headboard with his knees drawn up and his elbows resting on his knees. His feet were apart and his hands dangled between them, twisting the cord of his robe around his fingers and then untwisting it again. Daniel watched him for a moment before answering Jonas� last question.
�I�m the new kid in town, so to speak � if I start to bend the rules... To be honest, I don�t know what would happen.�
�You�re thinking of Orlin?� Daniel raised his eyebrow in inquiry and Jonas elaborated. �I have read and re-read all the reports of the occasions when an SG team has encountered an ascended being. I spoke to Major Carter about it too.� Noting Daniel�s inquisitive expression he continued. �I just though it would make sense to learn as much about what you had� I mean where you had gone. I thought it might help. Me, that is. I thought it might help me to fit in here if I knew exactly where you�� Jonas� voice petered out and he abandoned his explanation.
Daniel dropped his eyes, ducking his head as he decided to give Jonas a direct answer. �Jack didn�t tell you that I was with him?�
�Well, um, yeah, he did. Nobody believed him though, so he stopped talking about it.�
�You believe him.�
�You�re here. Or are you an hallucination?�
�You know I�m not really �here� as such.�
�Pedantry doesn�t suit you.�
Daniel gave Jonas a wry smile. �You really are spending too much time with Jack.�
�I wouldn�t be spending any time at all with him if you hadn�t... done what you did.�
This made Daniel look up again. Jonas, usually so in control of his emotions was fighting not to show how he really felt, and so far he was winning, but Daniel could see that it would only be a matter of time. Daniel had always been empathic by nature, and this had not changed with his ascension. Acutely aware of how Jonas must feel right now, he searched for the words to explain his inaction. Uncharactistically he came up with nothing. He folded his arms tighter across his chest.
�He misses you. They all miss you.� Jonas's expression softened as he met the other man's eyes. �Can you imagine how difficult it is not being you? We go into a briefing sometimes with another team, they are expecting SG-1 and I can see in their eyes that they think this isn�t the �real� SG-1. But most of all the Colonel misses you. Seeing you in that cell, and then realising that you were not going to help him...�
�Jonas, I�m sorry.� Daniel shook his head, his eyes bright with emotion. �I don�t know what to say.�
�Don�t say anything then. Leave us alone.� Jonas stood and removed the robe, lying it neatly across the end of his bed. He switched off the overhead light, climbed into bed and turned off the small table lamp. Before pulling up the covers, he pressed a button on the TV remote and the weather channel appeared. Ignoring his visitor, Jonas checked out the weather for the coming week. Then, without switching off the set, he made himself comfortable and closed his eyes.
Daniel stayed for a moment, but it soon became clear that yet again his presence was neither welcomed nor wanted. This hit him hard and he was surprised to feel his throat constrict. Daniel had assumed that, as an ascended being, emotion was a thing of the past. He recognised the emotion from when he was a small boy, and had gone into foster care for the first time: homesickness. This was an unexpected development for the newly ascended Daniel. He withdrew from Jonas� room feeling more alone than ever.
~*~
�Mornin�, Daniel. Go away,� Jack said, just in case his unwelcome visitor had returned while he was asleep. He got up and slowly pulled on the clothes that had appeared overnight on the chair beside his bed.
�You talking to me, sir?� the Dragon nurse appeared with a tray containing the usual instruments.
Jack blanched as a sudden stab in his memory flicked on and he was once again in Baal�s torture chamber. He flinched when he felt himself being guided to sit in the chair, and for a few seconds had no idea where he was. He jerked his arm away when he first felt the BP cuff going around his upper arm,
�Are you all right, Colonel?� The nurse asked.
Her calm voice brought Jack back to the here and now and he gave her a half-embarrassed smile.
�That�s okay, your pressure�s a little lower than it should be but that�s normal for you anyway.�
A few minutes later the nurse stood back, and gave her patient the final once-over. �You're doing just fine. The doctor will be in to see you shortly � she has a list of �Dos and Don�ts� as long as your arm � and then you�re free to go.� Resisting the urge to pat him on the knee, since she was sure any physical contact would disturb more than reassure, the Dragon nurse turned to leave. �I�ve taken my bet off, by the way, I don�t want to see you in here for at least six months.�
The doctor came over and delivered the promised Prohibited List along with a lecture personally tailored for Colonel Jack O�Neill on taking care of himself, getting plenty of rest and calling the infirmary any time day or night should he require any assistance. On a personal level, Janet Frasier looked briefly into his eyes, but despite a career in medicine that had seen many awful things, she could not hold the eye contact for more than a few seconds. The haunted brown eyes that looked out of the careworn face were not the same ones that she had seen before he left for Antarctica. Those eyes had been full of the usual hurt that a man in Jack�s position was bound to have, but there was also a sparkle of mischief and a thirst for life that she had wrongly thought would never be quenched. Saying nothing, she stood back and gestured the door � indicating that she had finished and he was free to go. She left in low spirits. Jack hadn�t managed his usual sarcastic comment about �getting out� and not voiced the hope that he wouldn�t be back.
It was all very well, she thought, having professional detachment. But her training hadn�t anticipated that she would be involved on a day-to-day basis with people who regularly risked their lives � and worse � to save the planet. She sighed as she realised for the umpteenth time that �professional detachment� simply wasn�t an option for anyone working at the SGC.
~*~
Jack didn�t waste any time in getting out of the mountain complex. He checked, several times, on his journey to the surface, that he had both his car and house keys and tried to remember if he would need to stop for gas. Vaguely surprised at finding the roads almost devoid of traffic, he switched on the radio and discovered the reason: it was Sunday. Most people would be at home, in the bosom of their families. The mental picture that this phrase caused usually made him smile, but not on this occasion. Knowing that he was going home to an empty house, he wished, not for the first time, that Daniel had done him the favour he had asked.
He sighed, if Daniel had found it in himself to let Jack remain dead he wouldn�t be feeling so down right now. Jack knew that was unfair, given the �rules� governing interference by the ascended, but that did not stop the bitterness rising once more.
Dammit, Daniel. Not even for me?
Jack wished, at that moment, that he could turn back the clock, that he could say the things that he wanted to say to Daniel that time... he cut off that train of thought, snapped off the radio and concentrated on getting home in one piece.
The drive seemed to take much longer than usual, despite the lack of other cars on the road, but eventually Jack pulled up outside his house. He sat for a while, looking at it as though he had never been there before. He noted that someone had been over to do his garden. Carter had probably arranged that, he thought. Jack�s hands shook slightly as he fumbled with the key in the lock, but soon he was standing in the hallway, having kicked the door shut behind him. The house had that empty smell to it, a smell he recognised all to well. Sure, as well as the garden, somebody had been by to check his mail � it was in two neat piles on the table, Jack knew from experience that it would have been separated out into personal and junk mail � and to give the house an airing, but still the empty smell persisted. Maybe it�s all in my head, he thought.
The curtains in the living room blew gently in the breeze, making Jack shudder for no reason, he certainly wasn�t cold. In fact, he thought as he removed his jacket, he was surprisingly warm. The hard concentration on the drive home he realised, had made him sweat like the unfit old man he was.
After all the noise � first at the Antarctic station, then the Tok�ra base, followed by Baal�s �pleasure palace� and finally the infirmary � the silence in the house was welcome. But as Jack walked through the place, almost like a prospective buyer noting its features and touching one or two things, the silence began to press down on him. Flicking through the pile of CDs next to the stereo, Jack finally selected one that he had burned for just such occasions. Quickly squashing the reason for having made the CD in the first place, Jack turned the volume up and got a beer from the kitchen.
Sitting in his favourite chair, which felt strangely uncomfortable, he slowly drank the beer and let the music wash over him. Beginning with what he thought was one of the most mournful pieces of music ever � the Albioni Adagio � it went through stages, each slightly less depressing than the last. There were, as Jack knew well, sixty-four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of music on the CD. Looking at his nearly empty beer bottle he realised that he should have brought two, but could not be bothered to get another.
Trying to relax in his chair, pressing himself into the contours in an attempt to regain the feeling of comfort it usually gave him. Jack�s gaze moved slowly around the room until it finally came to rest on the liquor cabinet. He remembered sitting in this very chair shortly after Daniel had ascended. How tempted he had been then just to rip the door from its hinges and swallow everything in there, going out not in a blaze of glory, but in a haze of forgetting. Right now, however, the lethargy that prevented him from getting another cold beer from the fridge was also keeping his liver healthy. Jack didn�t even have the enthusiasm to be happy about that.
�Daniel, go away.� Jack spoke speculatively to the thin air, just in case there were any ascended beings lurking around the place. Hoping he�s here, eh, O�Neill?
The telephone rang. Jack listened as the machine picked up, and the disjointed message that he�d hastily recorded a few months ago clicked into life. �You know the drill, speak after the tone�� The annoying bleep was followed by a cough then Carter�s voice filled the room.
�Oh� er, hi, Sir... um... I guess you�re kinda busy now, so I�ll call later. Bye.�
The light on the machine blinked. It had been blinking when Jack got home, and as far as he was concerned, it could blink to Kingdom Come. He couldn�t be bothered to see what people had said to him in his absence. Nothing important, anyway, he rationalised, or else the backup team would have said something already.
The CD reached its noisy conclusion with the overture from Orpheus in the Underworld. Instead of bringing the usual broad grin to his face that the �Can-Can� music almost invariably did, Jack grew more gloomy. He really didn�t want to think of Daniel�s definition of an intellectual � someone who could listen to William Tell without thinking of the Lone Ranger, or someone who could listen to Offenbach�s most famous work without thinking of high-kicking French dancing girls. Jack rubbed a hand across his face and tried to send his thoughts every which way but towards Daniel.
It didn�t work.
The CD started again, but not before a few clicks and whirrs, which sounded disconcertingly like replicators. Again, Jack remembered one of the last times he had been with Daniel � apart from the time spent watching a very passable impersonation of a mummy in the infirmary � when Reece had brought her deadly �toys� into the SGC. The desperately painful memory of Daniel, as he crouched near Reece�s body played over and over in his mind. It began as a fuzzy recollection like recording made of a recording on an ancient video tape. Each time the memory cycled the details became less hazy until finally the clarity was as sharp as the day Jack stood in the gate-room, clutching his P90, confronted with Daniel�s tear stained face. He had done that to Daniel, as he had known he would as soon as the first replicator had appeared. As they both had known.
The memory paralysed Jack into inaction as, once again, Albioni gave way to Pachelbel driving him deeper into his sad lethargy.
Finally, however, it was nature that made Jack move when his bladder protested. Afterwards as he stood in the bathroom, peering at the reflection of an old man in the mirrored cabinet, Jack wasn�t so much shocked at his appearance, as he was shocked once again at the amount of stubble on his chin.
He had no recollection of how long he had been in the infirmary, but he was sure that he only had about four days worth of growth of beard. Closing his eyes he tried to relax into his memories, but nothing came through apart from� he opened his eyes with a jerk.
He had been lying in the bed, when a nurse had suggested that he might like to have a shave. Still too shaky from the withdrawal of the effects of the sarcophagus, Jack had asked her to do it. As she approached holding the safety razor, it had glinted in the harsh light of the infirmary, sending Jack into a flashback of his time with Baal. In his panic, he had tried to get free of the infirmary, but hampered by the tubes and drips attached to his arms he hadn�t got far. Jack assumed that he had been heavily sedated then, because he had no further memories of that day. There was the hazy impression of coming back to a half-conscious state, in restraints. Jonas had been sitting in the visitor�s chair, and Jack had the sudden clear vision of the younger man's face and the recollection of how tired he thought Jonas looked.
The impression was gone, and Jack made a sudden decision to shower and soften his bristles before attempting to shave. He wanted the stubble gone, wanted to feel normal again. Stripping off his clothes, he automatically dropped them into the laundry hamper. He stood under the shower for a long time, neither noticing nor caring when the water changed from hot to cold. Eventually, he turned off the water, stood dripping in the middle of the bathroom before he summoned the will to dry himself. He quickly gave up his attempt to shave because his hands shook too much, either from cold or something else � he couldn�t tell.
With a sigh he lay down on his bed, on top of the covers and within a few minutes fell into a restless sleep.
~*~
�I don�t want this,� Jack struggled half-heartedly, his expression and actions giving lie to the words.
�Jack, just relax. It�s okay. You know that I wouldn�t... I couldn�t force you to do something if you really didn�t want to.� Daniel didn�t let up his firm hold on Jack.
They were lying on Jack�s bed. Daniel lay on top of Jack, pinning him down with the weight of his body, gripping tightly to Jack�s wrists, which were planted firmly on either side of his head. Daniel leaned forward and rested his forehead on Jack�s so that their noses were almost touching. He pressed the length of his body against Jack�s and smiled when he obviously felt just how much Jack did want �this�, despite his protestations to the contrary.
�Don�t,� Jack managed to make it sound forceful, but he was certain that Daniel knew that it was the beginning of the end. He would capitulate. He always did. Jack stiffened as Daniel leaned in to kiss him.
�Stop fighting me, it�s getting old.� Daniel spoke quietly, softening his words, and he gently pressed his lips against Jack�s firmly pursed mouth. It would only be a matter of time before Jack opened to him. This time was no different and the kiss turned from something a friend might give another, into something altogether more passionate.
Jack closed his eyes and let his body go limp, returning Daniel�s kiss reluctantly at first, but then with increasing fervour.
Sighing inwardly, Jack wondered when their relationship had turned about face from one where he had been pursuing a reluctant Daniel, to one where he was the unwilling party. Jack pulled away, almost regretfully. He really did not want this and he had to make it clear to Daniel that now wasn�t the time. This time Daniel took his attempt to free himself seriously, and let Jack move so that he was sitting against the headboard. Jack�s hands clenched almost of their own accord into fists and he knuckled his eyes in an attempt to drive the sight of a triumphant Daniel, a predatory and slightly frightening Daniel, away.
Jack finally felt able to face Daniel. It was time, he decided, for the two of them to have an honest discussion about their feelings for each other. He opened his eyes, but Daniel was gone. Daniel had never been there, Jack knew, and he was assailed by another wave of lonely grief. Jack was alone in the house, alone to re-live his dream of Daniel. Alone again. As always.
Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he slumped with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and wondered if he would ever be free of what he had started to refer to as his �twisted fantasy�.
The clock on the nightstand showed that he had been asleep for two hours. Way too early to get dressed and go to the mountain if he wanted to avoid yet another psych evaluation. The weather had not been good during the day and he knew without looking through the uncurtained windows that there was too much cloud to justify sitting on the deck not looking through his telescope. He�d tried that before, just after Daniel had ascended, but his bad knee had rebelled against the cold and damp, and Jack really didn�t want to risk another stupid injury � and, therefore, an enforced period of catching up on paperwork � on his next mission.
His next mission. It would be the first since he had returned from Baal�s fortress prison. The first since he had been declared fit for duty. General Hammond had selected a relatively easy return to work for SG-1, and Jack wasn�t unappreciative of this. It was just that what he really needed was something to get his teeth into for a few days.
Something � anything � to take his mind off Daniel.
Maybe even something deadly, without a sarcophagus to bring him back.
�Back into �psych evaluation territory� aren�t we, Jack?� he spoke aloud and his croaky voice shocked him. He reached over to take a drink from his glass on the nightstand. Empty. �Typical.�
Lethargy prevented him from getting a drink from the bathroom. Instead, he lay back down on the bed, coccooning himself in the comfortor and stared at the clock, willing the hands to spin a little faster.
The clock did not comply, but at some point Jack fell into a dreamless sleep, waking with a start when the alarm hammered him back into consciousness.
~*~
Jack�s first day back at work began much as any other. After a cursory glance through the paperwork on his desk, ninety percent of which he threw back into his in-tray, Jack had gone into the briefing room. He took his customary seat and presented his usual facade of interest, filtering out what he considered to be information superflous to requirements from what was needed for their mission.
Carter was droning on about something and Jack knew it would come back to bite him if he didn�t pay attention, but the lethargy of the night before was persistent and he couldn�t rouse himself into active interest. His fingers played with his pencil, doodling meaningless symbols onto the legal pad on the table before him. Jack became aware that Carter�s speech was speeding up. Winding up to her conclusion, he guessed, forcing himself to listen to what she was saying.
�Based on what SG-9 brought back, and projections made by the scientists on �539 I think it�s well worth taking another look, Sir,� Carter was talking to General Hammond, but she was looking at her team leader.
This is where I jump in. Jack dropped his pencil and nodded emphatically. �Oh yes, sir, well worth another look.�
�Based on your recommendations, Major Carter, SG-1 you have a go,� Hammond stood up and gave the team a curt nod. �Colonel, I�d like a word, please.�
Jack followed the General from the briefing room into his office and sank into the offered chair. Jack knew that he looked tired, and probably older than Methusela, but he didn�t bother to try to perk up and hide it. The General was too long in the tooth for that to work. Besides which, this would be a useful mission and there were precious few other teams available to take it on.
�Are you sure you�re up to this, Jack?�
�Raring to go, sir.�
�You look like...�
�Shit, sir, I know.�
�That�s not exactly the word I would have chosen.� The gentlemanly Texan drawl was softer than usual, and Jack knew that concern for a friend, as well as a subordinate, was driving this conversation.
�Of course not, sir, but... well, I did look in the mirror this morning, and it�s exactly the word I used.�
�If you want to take some more downtime, or just clear up your paperwork?� A half smile played about the General�s lips. �I�m sure SG-1 could get by without you, just this once.�
�Paperwork did you say, Sir?� Jack summoned a smile that didn�t achieve more than a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. �I believe you�ve heard me use the words �corpse� and �rotting� in the same sentence before.�
�Just take it easy, then, and enjoy the scenery.�
�Right, Sir. Take it easy and enjoy the scenery. Yep. I�ll do just that. It will be like a fishing trip. Only this time Carter will be along for the ride.� Jack�s smile was genuine.
�With Teal�c and Jonas as chaperones.�
�Bye, Sir!� Jack stuck his head back around the door a second after vacating the office. �Missing you already!� He waggled his fingers and disappeared.
General Hammond shook his head. He appreciated the efforts the Colonel was making to appear relatively unaffected by his recent experiences, but he seriously wondered if he was doing the right thing putting him back on the duty roster. He recalled Doctor MacKenzie�s adamant refusal to sign him off as fit for duty, and Doctor Frasier�s equally adamant assertion that if Colonel O�Neill were not allowed to resume duties it would do more harm than good.
Jack stood in the doorway of the briefing room and observed the rest of his team. Teal�c was studying his notes. The other two were standing by the coffee jug laughing at some joke or other. Jack felt a sudden twinge of jealousy at their apparent closeness when Sam patted Jonas on the arm before looking up and seeing the Colonel.
Sam waved the jug at him. �Coffee, sir?�
�That stuff will rot your gut, Carter,� Jack shook his head and helped himself to a glass of water. He took a seat at the table. �So, bring it on.� This time he paid close attention as she spoke, listened as Jonas and Teal�c added their comments and observations, and made a few of his own.
Finally they were as ready as they would ever be. They would depart after lunch. Together, the four of them went to the comissary and it felt almost like old times. Almost. Jack suppressed the thought that in place of the dark blond head bending over a plate of lemon chicken there should be a darker one. Instead of hearing Jonas� appreciative comments of the cuisine, they should be watching as Daniel waved a fork around to emphasise some point he was making.
Jack shook his head. He had thought he was over the stage where he was constantly missing Daniel�s presence. He wondered how long it would take. Stupid question, O�Neill. Jack knew that there was no set time-frame for grief. It could jump up and bite you at the most unlikely times. He remembered the times, too many for comfort, when he had tried to comfort grieving relatives. Jack knew from bitter experience that the lack of a body only prolonged the agony, even when there was no chance that the �missing� person was alive. There had been a time when Jack missed his friend and colleague almost painfully. The pain had been welcome � a nearly tangible reminder that Daniel had existed, that SG-1 hadn�t always been comprised of two Air Force officers and two aliens. Now he was wondering when the absence of Daniel would be a normal, accepted part of his life.
Watching Sam attack her dessert of blue jello while Jonas and Teal�c held a conversation on the relative merits of bananas and grapes, Jack pushed his lunch around his plate in a desultory manner. His appetite had gone and although he knew he was doing himself no favours by not eating, he simply could not be bothered. Finally, the meal was over and after gearing up, SG-1 stood in the gate room in front of the rippling event horizon.
The mission was uneventful, but not boring: a follow up visit to consolidate the agreements that SG-9 had brokered. The inhabitants of P4X-539 were helpful and had weapons technology to exchange. They also made use of projectile weapons, which had proved effective in battle against the Jaffa. They also ran a Stargate program similar to that of the SGC, and while they had nothing in the way of effective shield technology or advanced weaponry to share, they were willing to become allies of the Tau�ri.
Jack was only vaguely disturbed by his lack of enthusiasm for this mission, and he briefly wondered what the rest of his team made of that. He was then disconcerted to realise that he did not care what they thought. In the past he would have been ecstatic about finally finding a race who were willing to share their technology. On his past record he should now be bouncing around like Tigger on speed, but in reality he was mildly enthusiastic at best. The Colonel decided to go with the flow, letting his team pull him along in their wake as they went through the meet and greet routine with assorted local dignitaries. Jack remembered to smile and nod at the right times, shaking hands, mumbling his name by way of introduction, and leaving the serious diplomatic work to Jonas.
Watching the experienced diplomat at work, Jack stifled the thought that it should have been Daniel�s job. Daniel had made his choice. He had chosen something other than SG-1 and there was no discussing it.
Carter had immediately found like-minded scientists to talk to. Teal�c was working with their training officer to work out a program of instruction in Goa�uld warefare techniques. Jack and Jonas were dancing the diplomatic tango with the head of the local militia who ran the Stargate operation. After a day of talks about further talks about cooperation � same ol� same ol�, Jack thought � they were invited to a dinner which, after some prompting from Jonas, Jack had accepted.
The meal was a relatively intimate affair, with just the four members of SG-1, the military commander and five other people, including some of the scientists with whom Sam had spent the day. Again Jack pushed his food around and let the conversation ebb around him, joining in only when absolutely necessary, but as usual always alert to everything that was being said.
�Not hungry?� Jonas, sitting next to Jack, paused with a forkful of something halfway to his mouth.
�Not really. I had a big lunch.�
Jonas lowered his voice a little and looked at his CO, his expression told Jack that he knew perfectly well that food hadn�t been on the agenda that day. �You should try this, it�s good.� He spoke around a mouthful of food and pointed to Jack�s plate with his now empty fork.
�What is it?�
�No idea, but it tastes like chicken.�
Jack pushed his plate away, the unwelcome reminder of Daniel completely killing any chance of his appetite returning. He drained his glass of wine, poured more and polished that off in short order. He glowered at his team-mate. The blistering look was enough to silence Jonas who, confused at Jack�s reaction to what was meant as a light-hearted comment, blinked slowly and then turned to engage his neighbour in conversation. Sam raised her eyebrows, but since nobody else apart from Teal�c and Jonas had noticed, she kept quiet and carried on as if nothing had happened.
Eventually, but nowhere near soon enough for Jack, the meal came to an end. SG-1 were escorted to the guest quarters and invited to breakfast with their hosts before their departure early the next day.
The local equivalent of the SGC�s VIP suite was an apartment-like affair, with a large communal room, two smaller office-type rooms and six bedrooms, each of which had its own private bathroom. There was a small kitchen with nothing in it except what looked like a stove-top and the makings for hot drink.
Jack headed straight for one of the bedrooms. �I�m turning in. I don�t think we need to keep a watch, but be ready for anything.�
�G�night, Sir.� Sam raised her hand as Jack left the room.
After the bedroom door had closed, Jonas rubbed a hand across his face and sat on one of the overstuffed sofas. �So, what was all that about?�
�You appear to have insulted Colonel O�Neill.� Teal�c�s tone wasn�t accusatory, merely stating an observation.
�I don�t know what I said though... unless he has something against chicken?�
Sam looked at him. �Of course, you wouldn�t know. It�s stupid really.�
�What?�
�I don�t really know how it started, the first mission to Abydos I guess,� Sam sat next to Jonas and patted his arm. �He... the Colonel that is, and Daniel they always used to joke that whatever we ate, on whatever planet, tasted like chicken.�
�That�s it?�
�I believe O�Neill still feels the loss of DanielJackson, as do I.� Teal�c picked up his pack and headed off to one of the bedrooms. �I must undertake Kelnoreem. Good night.�
�Jonas, don�t take it personally, you can�t help it if you accidentally remind the Colonel of things from the past.�
�I know, it�s just that recently it�s been getting worse,� Jonas leaned back and covered his eyes with his hand. Sam noticed for the first time how tired he looked. �I knew that they were close � he made that very plain when he came to Kelowna, and since I�ve been at the SGC, it hasn�t exactly been easy to get him to accept me.� Jonas almost winced at the memory of how tenacious he had been in trying to persuade the other members of SG-1 to let him on the team. Sam and Teal�c had been for it, but the Colonel had been a much more difficult nut to crack.
�Is there something you�re not telling me?� Sam stood and started to pace the room. �Something I can help with?�
�No, nothing,� Jonas hated lying to her, but a promise was a promise, even made to someone who technically didn�t exist in the corporeal sense. �Probably that whole Baal thing has affected him more than we know.�
�You think he wasn�t ready to come back?�
�No. But then, he wasn�t ready not to come back either. If you see what I mean.� Jonas stood up. �I�m bushed. I�m going to get some sleep.�
�Me too,� Sam collected her things and went into the nearest room. �Night, Jonas.� Sam walked past the door to the Colonel�s bedroom, and swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. As she took off her clothes she wondered if SG-1 would ever get back to a semblence of normal, or if they would spend the rest of their careers walking around the Colonel on eggshells, all the while trying to act normal. She sighed. They all missed Daniel, and right up until they had gone to the Antartic station it had seemed as though they were going to make a good go of managing without him. Jonas was a truly exceptional person, whatever her first reservations about having him on the team, and right up until Jack�s return from his sojourn with the Tok�ra the Colonel seemed to be accepting him well. Now it was as though the past few months had not happened, and they were all back at square one again. Sam climbed into bed and tried to clear her mind, but she was wakeful for a long time as she tried to see a way forward for her team in general, and the Colonel in particular.
~*~
Jonas blinked in the darkness and for a moment had to struggle to remember where he was. He reached over to the nightstand and looked at his watch. The luminous dial showed that it was just after 4am, Earth time, which meant that it was still the middle of the night on P4X-539. Thirsty, he decided to get a drink and was disappointed to find that he didn�t have a mug or glass in his room. Pulling on his pants, he padded across the room in bare feet, shivering slightly as a slight draft hit his chest when he opened the bedroom door.
The communal area was lit with a curious, greenish glow from small lamps on the wall, not enough light the room, but enough that Jonas didn�t trip over any furniture on the way to the kitchen. He had a long drink of water, then refilled his glass and went back to his room. He glanced over towards the Colonel�s room, and was surprised to see light shining under the door. Surmising that the colonel was having difficulty sleeping, he hovered between wanting to go back to the warmth of his room, and wanting to see if O�Neill was alright.
Finally, he gave in to his humanitarian instincts and, still holding his glass of water, knocked lightly on the door. A grunt from within showed that O�Neill was awake and after taking a deep breath � although he didn�t know why� he opened the door and stuck his head inside.
Jack lay, fully clothed, but bootless, on the bed, staring at the ceiling. His hands were clasped behind his head and he didn�t turn to see who was invading his privacy at this early hour.
Jonas stepped into the room, closing the door quietly behind him, and walked over to the bed. �Something woke me. You, too, I guess?�
�The word �woke� would imply that I had actually been asleep.�
�I guess it�s like... what do you call it? Jet lag?�
�Yeah, something like that.� Jack continued to stare at the ceiling. �Was there something in particular, Jonas, or did you just stop by for a cosy chat?�
�I was getting a drink,� Jonas indicated the glass in his hand, �and I saw your light was still on.� He stood awkwardly, not sure if he should stay or go. �Do you want one?�
�No,� Jack looked at Jonas, moving only his eyes. �Thank you.�
�I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to upset you.�
This time Jack turned his head to look at his visitor. �What makes you think I�m upset?�
�Earlier. You seemed upset to me.�
�Just tired.�
�That too.�
�Jonas, leave me alone. I�m fine.� Jack rubbed his face and took in Jonas� sceptical expression. �Okay, have it your way. I�m not fine. But this is as good as it gets.�
�I know how you feel...�
�Don�t start all that �I feel your pain� bullshit with me, Jonas. You don�t know how I feel. Nobody knows how I feel, so butt out.�
�Sure. Okay. This was an easy mission, but how do you think we�ll cope when it gets more dangerous? You�re always telling me how I have to be part of the team, and that�s fine. But how about leading from the front and obeying your own rules?� Jonas knew that he was treading dangerous ground, but the lethargic, almost apathetic Jack that had replaced the Colonel O�Neill he had come to know, worried him. He guessed that goading Jack into action had been one of Daniel�s specialities. Jonas didn�t want to act like Daniel more than he had to, but so far it had only been small, nagging reminders of the erstwhile member of SG-1 that had made Jack realise how bad the situation was getting.
It had its desired effect. Jack sat up and fixed Jonas with a menacing stare. �Don�t tell me how to do my job, Jonas. I know how to do this. I was doing this when you were still running around in diapers.�
�All the more reason not to let it slip now then, isn�t it?�
Jack stood up and took a step towards Jonas who, to his credit, stood his ground, fully expecting a physical manifestation of the anger radiating from the Colonel. They stood about a foot apart, one fully clothed but dishevelled, the other wearing only pants and rather incongruously carrying a glass of water. Jonas exuded an aura of a calm that he didn�t feel inside. Jack was a seething mass of anger and resentment and something else that Jonas couldn�t pinpoint.
Jonas decided to play his trump card. �What do you think Doctor Jackson would say if he could see you like this? Do you think he would regret his decision to ascend? Do you think he would be pleased that you obviously miss him so much? Who are you angry at? Me? Yourself? Doctor Jack...� His sentence didn�t reach an end.
Jack advanced on him, forcing him backwards until Jonas came to the door and stopped. Toe to toe, face to face they stood, Jonas pinned down by nothing more than a stare, Jack�s hands clenching and unclenching in an obvious attempt to rein in the punch that he so clearly wanted to land on Jonas.
It seemed like an eternity to Jonas that he was trapped, unable to break the eye contact and unable to move. He watched the tightness around Jack�s eyes, the firm set of his jaw. His whole body language screamed at Jonas that he wanted to mash his face into a bloody pulp. But Jack did nothing, he waged his internal battle against mindless violence and won, finally relaxing into a limpness that threatened to make him keel over.
Noticing the change in Jack�s demeanour, Jonas carefully slid out from his imprisonment and put his glass on the nightstand. When he looked over towards the door, Jack had turned to face him, all traces of the anger gone, his expression only that of sadness.
�Sorry,� was all Jack said, before going back to his bed and sitting down. He leaned against the headboard with his knees drawn up to his chest. Jack clasped his hands around his shins and rested his forehead on his knees.
�No, I�m sorry,� Jonas said, moving closer to the distressed man. �Sorry that I said that. Sorry about what happened to you. Sorry about everything.�
�It�s not your fault, Jonas. We�ve been over this before.� Jack's voice was quiet, strained. �Daniel... Daniel did what he did because that is... was... how he is... was. Whatever.�
�Doctor Jackson asked me to look out for you.�
�So, you�re as much of a basket case as I am.�
�How so?�
�Dreaming about Daniel. When did you see him?� Jack rested his chin on his knees and looked at Jonas.
�I believe that he was with you in Baal�s prison.� Jonas persisted. �Am I correct?�
Jack half-closed his eyes, and regarded Jonas through his eyelashes. �I thought he was there. It seemed very real at the time, but now I�m not so sure.�
�He was. With you, that is.�
�You seem very certain.� Jack opened his eyes wider, seeming to notice Jonas properly for the first time.
�I�ve seen him too.� Jonas gave a rueful smile at Jack�s expression of shock at this revelation, which vanished as Jack�s expression turned from one of scepticism to one of utter desolation. �Yes, I know, it sounds completely nuts, but I have seen him. He told me about what happened� what you asked him to do.� Jonas shivered and folded his arms across his chest. �For what it�s worth, he told me that it was one of the hardest things he�s ever done.�
Jack seemed suddenly to notice that Jonas was only half dressed; he had opened the window earlier, and the light breeze which was gently puffing out the curtains was giving Jonas goosebumps. Jack scrabbled around in his pack and tossed over a sweatshirt. �Here, put that on. You must be cold. And sit down, for crying out loud, you make the place look untidy.�
Jonas pulled the sweatshirt over his head gratefully, and sat crosslegged on the end of the bed. �Do you dream about him? Daniel I mean.�
�That�s a personal question,� Jack sighed. �I guess you and Daniel already discussed... uh... me?�
�Not too much, but yes, we did. Does that disturb you?�
�I guess he told you about �don�t ask, don�t tell�?�
�Yes.�
�And yet, you still ask.� Jack�s voice was edged in sarcasm.
�I was asking if you dream about him. And it was you that brought it up, not me.�
�Not �I�.�
�What?�
�You said �me� when you should have said �I�. Sloppy grammar. I can�t stand it.�
�That�s more like it,� a familiar soft voice said.
Both men on the bed turned towards the figure in the corner. They looked back at each other, then once more towards the corner. Daniel was there, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest.
�Where did you spring from? Or have you been there all along?� Jack was angry, although he did not raise his voice out of deference to his two sleeping team-mates in the other rooms.
�No, I just got here.�
�Go away, Daniel.� Jonas and Jack spoke in unison. They looked at each other, the sudden realisation that they were working as an efficient team hit them both at the same time. If it weren�t for the circumstances it would have been an occasion to remember, to celebrate later, back at the SGC.
�No.�
�Then butt out. We�re talking.� Jack pointed to Jonas and then himself while he spoke. �We. That is, Jonas and I.�
Daniel moved out of the shadows and sat on the other side of the bed from Jonas. He looked at Jack and shook his head. �I see the sarcophagus didn�t help much. You look awful, Jack.�
�What do you care?�
�Quite a lot, actually. More than you, obviously.�
�Go away, Daniel.�
�No.�
�Okay, I�m going to go back to bed,� Jonas stood up and pulled at the sweatshirt. �I�ll give you this back in the morning.� Jonas looked at the others, they were having some kind of staring contest, or so it seemed to him, and neither of them had even noticed that he had spoken, or that he was moving to leave. He left the room and got back into his bed, annoyed as he realised that he had left his glass of water behind. He wrapped himself in the blankets and lay awake for a few minutes contemplating what had just happened before falling into a troubled sleep.
~*~
�So, when are you going to get over it?�
�What?� Jack stretched his legs out and folded his arms across his chest.
�Me,� Daniel waved his arm around, �you know, my not being around.�
�Oh the whole �ascension� thing? That whole �powerful being who won�t bust his best friend out of hell� thing? Or maybe you mean the �not even letting your best friend die to stop the pain� thing?� Jack hugged his chest tightly. �Well, for your information, glow-boy, I am so over that.�
�Oh,� Daniel didn�t look convinced.
�Yes.�
�You don�t look over it.�
Jack shook his head, but Daniel looked concerned. He pushed himself away from the wall and began pacing the room, waving his hands around as he talked. It was a sight Jack would have given anything to see up until twenty-four hours ago, now he just wanted Daniel to leave him alone.
Daniel continued speaking. �In fact right now the only thing you look �over� is the proverbial hill.�
�Gee. Thanks, honey.�
�Jack, I mean it! You didn�t survive all that stuff with Baal just to let yourself die of indifference and apathy,� there was a short pause. �Or did you?�
�If you remember, I did ask you not to let me survive it at all. Several times, if I recall correctly.�
�But you did survive, Jack. You're stronger than this. You just have to get past it.�
�I begged you, Daniel,� Jack�s voice was very low and quiet. He looked so distressed that Daniel reached over to touch him, but of course his hand passed right through Jack�s arm. Jack flinched as though burned. �Don�t do that, Daniel. Just go away.�
�No.�
�Change the record.�
�No.�
�Can you... wait, we�ve had this conversation before, haven�t we?�
�Probably.� Daniel ceased his pacing and stood at the end of the bed. He looked nonplussed as he tried to lean on it, then recovered and stood straight, with his hands in his pockets. His gaze did not waver from Jack�s face.
There was another uncomfortable silence. Which Jack finally broke. �Are you really here?�
�In what sense?�
�Oh, sure, you�re here. That�s a Daniel-cum-Oma answer if ever I heard it. I definitely didn�t dream that one.�
�You�ve been dreaming about me?�
�Remember �don�t ask...� Jack didn�t reach the end of the sentence before Daniel butted in.
��don�t tell.� Daniel completed the phrase. �Yes. I remember it. So, tell me about the dreams, Jack.�
As he did in his dreams, Jack capitulated and gave Daniel what he wanted. An answer. �Nightmares, really.�
�What?� Daniel looked concerned.
�Nightmares. I can�t wake up from them sometimes. And you... it�s so real.� Jack drew his knees up again and hid his face in his hands. �I don�t want to talk about this. Especially not to you.�
�Jack...�
�Go away, Daniel.�
�Promise me that you will talk to someone about this.�
Jack�s head jerked up. �Yeah, right. Talk. To whom? Oh yes, your friend,� Jack clicked his fingers. �What�s his name again? Oh yeah, your friend Doctor MacKenzie. I guess I could talk to him. And it would be �goodbye SGC, hello rubber room�. Sure. I think I�ll do that.�
�Then talk to me. After all, if I�m not here, we are not having this conversation and no one has to know about it.�
�You are a royal pain in the butt, Daniel.�
�So, tell me about the dreams.�
�Nightmares.�
Daniel gave him a sympathetic look. �Jack, after everything you've been through, the nightmares are understandable, but you need to talk about them. Let me help you get through this.�
�Okay already,� Jack absently took a sip of Jonas� water. �Oh, Jonas left this, I�ll take it...�
�Jack!�
�Oh alright. Look, this is uncomfortable you know. I don�t do talking. That is... that was your job.�
�How about I tell you then?�
�You know what I�ve been dreaming about?� Jack flushed.
�No, but I have heard you shouting in your sleep, and I can probably make an educated guess.�
Jack reached over and turned off the lamp, plunging the room into sudden and total darkness. He closed his eyes, although he didn�t really know why since he wouldn�t have been able to see his hand in front of his face.
Daniel�s voice seemed suddenly close when he spoke again. The tone and pitch were low, making Jack shiver at the intimacy it conveyed. �You�re dreaming that I am hurting you, or trying to.�
�No,� Jack shook his head emphatically.
�Okay, then, you�re dreaming that I am doing things to you that you don�t like. That you think you shouldn�t like, but you do.�
�Stop it, Daniel. That�s enough.�
�I�m right, aren�t I? You�re feeling guilty about it and you shouldn�t. Given different circumstances we might have had a chance to... talk. And yes, I know what you say, you don�t do talking, but you would have talked to me. We would have gone fishing, and like I said, we would have talked. And I would have told you how I felt. How I feel.�
�Daniel, don�t do this.�
�Jack, just because I ran away from you at your house that time, when you and I... er... because of what happened � it�s not your fault. You also know that there is an alternate reality out there where I � where that Daniel � didn�t stop the bomb, someone else did. That Daniel went fishing with his Jack.�
�His Jack.� The words reverberated around the room, despite the quietness of Daniel�s voice.
Daniel continued speaking. �They managed to have what we can�t. But I can tell you how I feel. That I was surprised by what you did, confused and scared, and I reacted badly. I wanted so much to go back and...�
�I know.�
�What?�
�I know. Jonas told me. Not in so many words, of course, but he told me. Jeez, Daniel, what a mess.� Something struck Jack. �If you wanted to tell me, why did you make me stop Jacob?�
�We both know that Jacob probably couldn�t have helped me, and I can do so much more this way.�
�Not from where I�m standing. Sure, you�ve just about got Oma-speak off pat, and ... well, that�s about it really. Oh, and you can walk through stuff, but heck the Tollan can do that trick.�
�Remember what I said? That one life isn�t worth...�
�Yadda yadda. Yeah. But this isn�t just one life is it? This is your life, my life. And I�m slowly losing the will to hang on to it.� Jack�s statement hung in the darkness between them. Finally he had articulated it. It felt good, Jack had to admit. He had given in and owned up to how he really felt.
�Why?�
�What?�
�Why don�t you want to live?�
�I�m not as young as I was. My knee is playing up, oh and � Hello! � I had a snake in my head for cryin� out loud!�
�Tok�ra.�
�There is no difference between the Goa�uld and what that snake did to me. I was right about them, you have to admit that.� Jack poked the air in the darkness, despite the fact that Daniel couldn�t see his emphatic gesture.
�Sam was blended against her will and she didn�t feel like this.�
�Carter didn�t have the pleasure of Baal�s company for countless little death-resurrection cycles. Carter didn�t lose her best friend. Carter doesn�t wake up every morning feeling like she�s gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.�
�I�m sorry, Jack. I didn�t know it would turn out like this.�
�None of us did. But I�m tired, Daniel, tired of it all.�
�Clich� man still in residence then,� Daniel said, lowering his voice in a in scarily-close imitation of Jack's own. �Don�t tell me, �nobody would miss you� is that right?�
�Plenty of people would miss me. But they would get over it. Eventually. Life goes on.�
�See?�
�Aw, crap. What have I said now?�
�Life does go on, Jack. What�s that clich� about clich�s being clich�s because they�re true?�
�So I have to go on?�
�Not just go on, live again. There is so much to live for. And since I�m sensing that, unlike say Sam, you�re not going to offer to blend with a Tok�ra when your time is nearly up are nearly up, you haven�t got that much time to do it in.�
�No. I�m not going to join the Tok�ra.� Jack reached over to the nightstand again, fumbling around until he found the light switch.
Daniel was sitting next to him, leaning against the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles and his arms were folded across his chest. He looked over at Jack. �People depend on you, Jack. I depend on you. You didn�t give up before... after I ascended. I bet that was a conscious decision.�
Reminded of the time he had contemplated oblivion at the bottom of a bottle, Jack winced. �Yeah, well, that was different. I had just lost my best friend.�
�So, why didn�t you?�
�What do you want me to say, Daniel? That I wanted to fight the good fight? Carry on like a brave soldier? Work my butt off to clear your name with the Kelownans? Take your pick.�
�And now the situation is different because... because what, Jack?�
�Backing up here. Because I had a snake in my head. Because I realised that in the end, the Tok�ra really are like the Goa�uld if they can�t get their own way. Because we�re sleeping with the enemy, Daniel. That�s why.�
�The Tok�ra are not the Goa�uld. C�mon, Jack. You�re not going to end it all. You didn�t do it after Charlie died. You didn�t do it after I ascended. You are not going to do it now. You are lots of things, but you are not a quitter.� Daniel was obviously resisting the urge to jab his forefinger into Jack�s chest, for which Jack was grateful.
�A guy can dream, can�t he?�
�Dreaming about dying? About quitting? No he can�t. Not when that guy is Colonel Jack O�Neill � with two L�s � of the USAF. Jack, it�s more like you to stay because you know you can cause everyone the maximum annoyance that way.� Daniel grinned.
�That is so not true!� Jack tried but he couldn�t help returning a smaller version of the grin. Inwardly, Jack marvelled at the way Daniel had managed to pull him back from the brink once more. He had done it on Abydos on that very first mission, and here he was having done it again. Carter had said it on more than one occasion; Daniel had an effect on people. It was difficult to pinpoint exactly how he did it, but he managed to touch Jack in places he thought he had sealed off. Jack turned to Daniel. �Okay, stop smirking. It�s true, and I�m jealous I didn�t think of it first.�
�See, that wasn�t so bad was it?�
�I�ll reserve judgement on that.�
�Just wait until you get my bill,� Daniel stood up and his voice softened. He looked at Jack with a gentle expression. �You should get some sleep. You know, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.�
Jack swiped his pillow at Daniel. �I�m the clich� man round here!� He switched the light off again. �No offence, Daniel, but I�m not undressing in front of you.� He pulled off his outer clothes and got into bed wearing his boxers and t-shirt. Pulling the blankets over his head he closed his eyes.
Sleep was a long time coming. This time, however, it was dreamless and restful. When he was woken the next morning by the noise of the rest of his team moving around outside his room, he realised that Daniel had been right. There was something worth living for. He just had to work out what it was.
~The End~
