AUTHOR: Major Clanger
E-MAIL: [email protected]
CATEGORY: Epilogue, h/c, angst
SEASON: 5
SPOILERS: Season 5 Meridian
WARNINGS: Slash
RATING: NC-17
PAIRING: Jack/Daniel
SUMMARY: After the events of Meridian Jack gets some closure.
STATUS: finished
DISCLAIMER: Before I forget� I should like to add the following disclaimer before someone sues the pants off me. Well, pants is all they�ll get since I don�t make a penny/cent/pfennig from doing this. Hardly surprising really�.
Anyway, here�s the official word on fanfics, which are technically illegal, but The Powers That Be allow them as long as the writers play nice. So please read this:
Stargate SG-1 and it�s characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only, and no money exchanged hands. Really. Honestly. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and stories are the property of the author. That is me, and I write under the name of �Major Clanger� for reasons that are unclear, even to me. These stories may not be posted elsewhere without my consent, although if you really want to, you could send me an e-mail and ask. After you get the smelling salts under my nose, I�ll probably say �yes�.
AUTHOR�S NOTES: I had that many requests to do a follow up to Without Menaces (plus one or two threats that someone else would do it for me) that I thought I might just give it a go. And since I like to try something new every time I write, I thought I might get some sex in this one. You don�t need to have read Without Menaces for this to make sense, but it would probably help. Heh heh heh. That�s a shameless attempt to get more readers for my stuff!
Thank you to Sazz for the great Beta, it was a lot less angsty before she slapped me around a bit! Also thanks yet again to TinyCoward for her comments and to my poor ol� hubs who had to put up with relentless questioning!
Twenty minutes in which he made what was probably the biggest decision of his life.
Jack leapt from the bed, bounded through the door and landed at the bottom of the stairs he�d taken three at a time, just in time to see the front door close. He wrenched it open and stood in the doorway watching in disbelief as Daniel opened the door of the cab, got in and closed the door again � all without a backward glance.
Jack ran in front of the car, waving his arms to make the driver stop and then moved round to the driver�s door which he pulled at impatiently. The door was locked. This cabbie had probably been mugged before, Jack figured, cursing under his breath, as he rattled the door handle.
The cab driver turned to his passenger who sat silently in the back of the cab and raised his eyebrows questioningly. Military service sometimes had it�s uses in the civilian world and this was one of them. Jack could barely hear the words, but he could lip-read the exchange inside the cab.
�Looks like he wants you to stay a while.�
�Looks like it.�
�You going to? Stay, I mean, or where do you want me to take you?�
Jack saw Daniel sigh as he looked through the window at the man � at himself - who was standing with his arms folded across his chest. He wondered if the sight would send him away, or tempt him into staying.
Mohammed and the mountain had nothing on these two. The words "Irresistible Force meets Immovable Object" flitted across Jack�s mind, and for that fleeting moment he wondered if the cab driver was up to a game of Chicken with Colonel Jack O�Neill. Looking at the man in the driver�s seat again, Jack decided he wasn�t. Which left two options:
Option one: Daniel could sit in the car until Jack gave up. That would be a long while they both knew. Jack was very determined look on his face and had had plenty of practice waiting. Hell, he�d been waiting for a fish to bite for years.
Option two: Daniel could get out and talk to Jack. Obviously Daniel would be reluctant to do that: He�d tried it and it was obvious that he thought it hadn�t worked. Apparently the fear and panic Jack had expressed after their kiss had told Daniel all he needed to know.
Jack�s feet were beginning to hurt. He reflected that running barefoot onto a gravel driveway and then planting himself in front of a car was probably not the cleverest thing he�d ever done. But what the hell. He was pretty sure he�d done dumber things.
Yeah. Like scaring the shit out of Daniel and making him run off like that. That was a pretty dumbass thing to do.
How could he have been so stupid? He had come to realise that his feelings for Daniel had strayed way past the line where simple friendship had turned to something else. Way, way more than he�d ever felt for Carter � and he�d been prepared to die with her at one time. So what was the big deal about one little kiss? One measly little kiss. He was in love with Daniel, Jack was certain of that. Didn�t just love the guy, but was in love with him. Jack was also pretty sure that the feeling was reciprocated.
Whoa there! Big words! Must be spending too much time with Daniel.
He knew Daniel loved him too. So far so good. So where was the big problem? It wasn�t even as if Jack hadn�t wanted Daniel to kiss him. He had. He�d wanted a lot more besides and that was where the problem was. Jack had been ecstatic that Daniel apparently wanted him as much as Jack wanted Daniel. Had actually, when they got down to it, made the first move. And Jack had blown it. Blown it out of the water. Sky high. Kaboom.
They had been lying on Jack�s bed. Kissing. And it had been great. Fantastic. Daniel may be a geek, but he was a geek who could kiss. Jack wondered if he had always been that good, or if he had had lots of practice.
Get back to the point O�Neill. You were on the bed. With Daniel. Kissing. Then what?
They had been lying on Jack�s bed. Kissing. Stretched out alongside each other, enjoying full body � albeit fully clothed full body � contact. Kissing. Daniel�s tongue in his mouth. Daniel�s hands touching him. Full-on lip lock. Full body contact. Kissing. And then it hit him. Full body contact and Jack had noticed a part of Daniel�s body that up until then he hadn�t really taken much notice of.
In his fantasies he�d been in his bed with a naked sweaty Daniel. But there weren�t any details.
But in the dreams that had been plaguing him, he�d been pushing into a very receptive and enthusiastic Daniel, hands rubbing up and down his lean, well-muscled back, up his neck, through his short, silky hair, down the front of his face, over his chin and along the smooth skin of his throat. Jack�s fingers had stroked Daniel�s throat with soft, gentle fingers, feeling the vibrations made by the sounds that he, Jack, was causing Daniel to make. And then in that quiet time after they had made love Jack would hold Daniel tightly to him, his hands in constant motion stroking Daniel�s back, his face, his chest, his legs. Trying to communicate to him the reassurance that Jack could not verbally articulate. That he loved him. That he would always love him.
Despite waking up in the sort of post-orgasmic state that told him that his dream had been very real in some respects, Jack still had no clear idea of what he and Daniel had actually been doing. What he had been doing with Daniel and what it had been leading up to... So that, confronted with the evidence of Daniel�s increasingly obvious pleasure at kissing him, and at his own response to that, Jack had panicked. And sent Daniel running away from him with the sort of speed that Michael Johnson would be proud of.
With the immovable object and the irresistible force regarding each other wordlessly through the window of the cab, the driver suddenly announced that the fare was now $20 and would one of them kindly pay because he had a living to make.
This roused Daniel, who thrust some bills at the man and opened the door just as Jack decided that he would have to haul Daniel bodily out of the car if there was to be any dialogue between them.
They stood facing each other as the cab driver pulled away, shaking his head at the easiest $50 he�d ever earned. Jack moved uncomfortably and Daniel looked down incredulously at his lack of footwear. Daniel started towards the house, turned back when he reached the front door and spoke.
�Jack. Shoes.� He said, pointing at his friend's feet, smirking.
Limping slightly, Jack hobbled over, opened the door and pushed Daniel inside. Looking at each other for a split second they both smiled broadly before taking a step towards each other and hugging tightly.
Jack's mind was brought back to the present as the muscles in his back protested the hunched-over position he was sitting in. He rubbed his face and leaned back in his chair, keeping one hand over his eyes while the other clutched Daniel�s note close to his chest. Daniel�s hastily scribbled note was now looking rather the worse for wear. The scenario had been played out over and over and over in his head. Each time it had the same ending � and he didn�t care how clich�d or trite it sounded. Jack liked it � he and Daniel were together.
The reality, unfortunately, was very different. How many times had Jack cursed his indecision, wished with all his being that he hadn�t waited so long, wished that he had made it downstairs in time to stop Daniel leaving. That piece of paper, covered on both sides with Daniel�s sprawling, hurried writing had held out the hope that he could make everything right between them. It promised a future. At least, it promised a future where they could talk, held out the hope of a second chance. But instead, within a mater of days Daniel had� gone. Gone but not gone.
Jack didn�t believe he was dead � he hadn�t seen a body and past experience had taught him that without a body he could never be sure of anyone�s demise. Least of all Daniel. Daniel wasn�t gone, he was still around somewhere. He�d just�. What? Left his body? Well, no, actually. He hadn�t left a body.
Dammit O�Neill. Say it. Daniel died. Died. D-I-E-D. Just get over it.
Jack dredged up another clich� and mulled it over for a while. How did it go again? Ah, yes � �if only� are the saddest words in the English language.
He wasn�t sure about that. He�d had some brutally tragic words addressed to him in the past. Some of them lurked, unbidden and unwanted, at the edge of his consciousness, trying to muscle their way past the tight controls he had put on them.
Jack looked over at the cabinet which he knew contained a nearly-full bottle of Jack Daniels. He resisted the temptation to down the lot and to hell with the consequences.
Not drinking himself to death was a conscious decision. After Daniel had� had done whatever he�d done that wasn�t exactly dying, Jack had found himself at home standing in front of the liquor cabinet with the bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. The top was off and the bottle was halfway to his lips when he caught his reflection in the glass door. His haggard reflected image screamed 'loser!' at him. So he had replaced the cap, put the bottle resolutely back on the shelf and locked the cabinet.
There was a clich� for this one too. Daniel had given him the gift of life six years ago, and it wasn�t for Jack to throw that gift away. He would, he could, get though this without whiskey.
Without whiskey. Without anything. Without anyone.
Closing his eyes Jack rested his head on the back of the chair and tried not to think about Daniel. This time, due to a combination of will and overwhelming tiredness he succeeded and fell asleep almost immediately. It didn�t last long.
The crescent moon cast a silvery light over the room, making it look as though Jack had woken up in the middle of a black and white movie. Pushing himself into an upright position, Jack looked around him as if he�d never seen the room before. Finally he creaked into a standing position, and made his way across the room and into the hallway. Jack stumbled up the stairs and into the bathroom.
Stripping off his clothes, he collapsed into the shower stall and reached up to flip the water on. Icy cold water hitting his skin had the desired effect and after a minute he stood up and moved the tap to as hot as he could take. Jack did nothing but stand still and let the water flow over his body. He had his back to the shower head and the spray hit him squarely between the shoulders turning his skin bright red. The sting of the hot water dulled the pain which filled his mind and his stiff muscles began to relax under the onslaught of the heat and steam.
When the water started to run cool he stepped out of the shower, quickly rubbed himself dry, cleaned his teeth and went into his bedroom. Soon he was lying in bed staring out of the slightly open window, watching the trees move in the breeze. It was a clear night and he idly identified a few constellations, automatically checking them off against a mental list. Jack was dog tired but he realized that he didn�t want to sleep. He wasn�t using alcohol to shore himself up this time and that meant he couldn�t effortlessly fall into a dreamless stupor. It meant dreams about Daniel. Dreams where he hadn�t acted like a jerk and forced Daniel to stay away from him.
Dreams where for once in his life, there really was that �happy ever after�.
Jack switched on the bedside lamp and picked up the book that he�d left open, face down, on the nightstand. Daniel would have lectured him on the care of books if he�d seen that. Jack would have given anything to have him there, standing at the end of the bed scolding him for not looking after these precious things. Daniel�s eyes would be blazing with the passion of his argument which Jack would wish he could convert into passion for something else entirely, after the Lesson According to Daniel.
This vision of Daniel, bare chested, wearing light cotton pyjama bottoms, was one of Jack�s current favourites. Not that he�d had much opportunity to see him like that in the flesh, but he�d seen enough to be able to build his own mental picture. Jack closed his eyes and imagined how Daniel would finish lecturing him and give him a slow grin crawling up the bed towards Jack, close but not touching him, with his blue eyes fixed intently on Jack�s brown eyes.
As they came almost face to face his chest lowered almost imperceptibly and brushed across Jack�s stomach and chest, making the hairs stand on end. Infinitely slowly, his lips approached Jack�s lips until finally they touched. Lightly at first, a soft, teasing brush, then firmer and finally pushing against him until Jack gave in and opened his mouth to Daniel�s tongue. They kissed with an intensity that comes only from real passion, an intensity that can�t last too long before there has to be more contact.
Jack�s hands moved to Daniel�s shoulders attempting to push him off so that he, Jack, could take charge. But this time Daniel didn�t give in. He straddled Jack and grabbed his hands, forcing them above his head in a firm grip that they both knew Jack could break at any time.
�Leave them there.� Daniel�s voice was soft and low, but there was a definite command in there which Jack was content to obey.
Jack closed his eyes as his face was covered with small light kisses, he shivered as Daniel lightly licked one of his eyelids, ran the tip of his tongue along the side of Jack's face and around the edge of his ear. Daniel bit the lobe before running his tongue around the inner part of Jack�s ear, finally dipping it in and out of the centre. His hand stretched out and rubbed Jack�s chest gently, alternately pulling at the nipples and rubbing them with the flat of his palm. Daniel�s hand then stroked gently up to Jack�s shoulder, trailing a finger along the edge of his bicep and the soft inside of his forearm, and back again. Daniel licked and sucked gently at the inside of Jack�s elbow, his shoulder close enough to Jack�s mouth for him to bite Daniel�s flesh.
�Don�t do that again.� This time Daniel�s voice was a low growl. �Or I�ll tie and gag you.�
The menacing words were shown for a lie when he smiled at the effect they had on Jack�s erection.
�Or maybe I should�� Daniel whispered, as he lightly scratched the underside of Jack�s bicep, producing a shiver as he tormented the armpit before lightly dragging his fingernails along Jack�s ribcage, down his stomach and over to his hip. Daniel stretched out alongside Jack and stroked his face.
Trying to kiss him, Jack only encountered Daniel�s hand which pressed against his mouth and pushed him firmly away, so Jack contented himself with stroking the long fingers with his tongue. Daniel slid his hand along the length Jack�s arm, down to his hand. Linking their fingers, he flattened Jack�s hand against his own chest and slowly pushed it along his body.
Jack strained against this, desperate to touch Daniel instead, but Daniel held himself away, gently forcing Jack�s hand to where he wanted it to go. Their eyes locked and Jack silently agreed to do Daniel�s bidding. Jack gave only token resistance as he felt his hand pressed against his own flesh and tried to relax into the sensation as he felt Daniel guiding his hand infinitely slowly down the hard length of Jack�s own cock, then up again.
Jack closed his eyes as Daniel kissed him deeply, all the while moving Jack�s hand, their tongues moving to the same rhythm. It wasn�t the first time that Jack had touched himself in this way but it was the first time he�d truly given himself completely over to the sensation. He could feel the roughness of his palms, the heat coming through his fingers, the need to move faster building up inside him � speed which Daniel was refusing to allow, controlling the too slow strokes with a firm grip on Jack�s wrist.
�Jack. Open your eyes.� Daniel kissed the tightly closed lids and spoke quietly. �Jack. Open them. I want you to see me.�
�I can�t.� Jack hated the sound of his gruff, harsh voice against Daniel�s smooth whisper. He hated, too, the way those two words sounded like a rejection of Daniel. He was slightly afraid of what he would see reflected back from Daniel�s eyes if he opened his own and so kept them resolutely closed.
�Yes you can. Open them.� Daniel spoke with a firmer tone this time and when his order wasn�t immediately followed he increased the pressure on Jack�s wrist and allowed no more movement.
Jack�s internal struggle continued, which didn�t go unnoticed by Daniel. His voice softened until it was only a whisper. �Open them.� There was a slight pause. �Please.�
Jack complied and was immediately rewarded by Daniel releasing his grip and allowing him, finally, to set his own pace. He rubbed his hand along the shaft, willing it to grant him the release he so desperately needed. With his eyes locked firmly on Daniel�s, the urgency built up inside him tensing the muscles in his neck and stomach. The strain showed in his face as he tried furiously to satisfy himself but his desperation pushed the goal ever further away. Jack was nearly crying with frustration when Daniel finally pulled Jack's hand away and kissed it.
Freeing himself from Daniel�s firm grip on his wrist, Jack struggled in vain to gain relief from the tension that had built up. He alternated hard long strokes of his subsiding erection with small gentle ones but it was obvious that he wasn�t going to come. Soon he was left only with the knowledge that without Daniel he wouldn�t be able to complete the act. Wouldn�t be complete.
Daniel kissed him gently and looked deep into his eyes again. Putting as much of his frustration as he knew how into his eyes, Jack was surprised when Daniel shook his head regretfully. He pulled Jack into a whole body embrace and whispered in his ear � Jack had no idea what he was saying, only registering the comforting gesture.
The ache in Jack�s body eased as Daniel held him close, the ache in his mind was soothed by Daniel�s soft voice until finally he became aware of what Daniel was saying in his calm, gentle voice. �Jack?�
�Uh?�
�I think I�ve got to go now.�
�Are you coming back?�
Reaching out an arm to pull Daniel back, Jack�s hand closed on nothingness. The realisation that Daniel had only been there in his dream and that he was still all alone brought tears of grief and regret to his eyes. Jack rubbed roughly at his damp eyelashes with impatient fingers and looked over at the clock. He sighed at the fact that there were still several hours of darkness before he could reasonably expect to get up and start the next day.
One more day, he thought. One more day until the next mission. And one more night. Jack fell asleep wondering if he�d make it through the next thirty-six hours without giving up. Without thinking of what might have been.
The weak winter sun pushed it�s way across the pillow and shone onto Jack�s face. He slept on, the sun was neither bright nor strong enough to wake him. Not so the telephone which beeped persistently until he answered it with a grunt.
�Uh. Yeah.�
�Colonel O�Neill?�
�Uh huh. Who wants me?�
�Colonel. This is General Hammond.�
�Mornin� General. What�s the emergency?�
�There isn�t one.�
�Makes a change.� Jack almost managed a smile at that one. �So, Sir. You�re just checking up on me?�
�I guess I�ll have to hold my hands up to that one. You okay Jack?�
�Yeah� no� I don�t know.� Jack realised that he was speaking the truth. �Ask me again tomorrow, Sir.�
�I will. See you tomorrow.�
�Bye Sir.�
Jack replaced the receiver and wondered what that was all about. He came to the conclusion that the General, too, was having problems sleeping. Very odd that he should call so early in the morning. The last two days he�d called at lunchtime. Looking at the clock, Jack was surprised to see that it was 12:30. He had been asleep for around seven hours. That was very good going by his recent standards of three, maybe four hours if he was lucky.
Dragging on the first clothes that came to hand, Jack decided that if he could sleep, maybe he would also be able to eat. A survey of the kitchen revealed nothing more appetising than a bowl of cereal with a splash of long-life milk that he kept in the cupboard for emergencies. Giving up after half a bowlful of stale cinnamon rings with room-temperature milk, Jack decided that he would go shopping and turned his attention to making a list.
I must be okay, he thought. That was a whole half-hour there without thinking of Daniel.
As soon as the name entered his head he was lost. Gripping the pen too tightly he tried to banish the flashback of the stupid, pointless argument he�d had with Daniel the last time he had gone shopping. He�d replayed the scene over and over in his head, their words were burned into his memory so that he could examine them at his leisure and see where he�d gone wrong. In his head, the scene arrived at the part where Daniel had given up and fled upstairs to dress. He tried to rewind back to his arrival with the groceries, but it didn�t work. There always came a time when he got to the point where he couldn�t go back to the beginning and he had to relive the conclusion to their fight.
He leaned over his kitchen table, burying his head in his arms even as he remembered pulling Daniel to him, holding him tightly as he cried. Inevitably he arrived at the part where they were kissing, exploring each other�s bodies with hands, lips and tongues. The thought of Daniel�s hands on his back, his tongue licking at his skin, Daniel�s lips on his made him hard again. Jack looked once again into the twin windows of Daniel�s soul before Jack�s t-shirt was over his head, felt the burning heat on his chest as Daniel�s hand pushed him back, following him onto the bed and once again kissing him until Jack thought his lungs were going to collapse.
Jack squirmed under Daniel�s weight as his hands pulled at Jack�s jeans and tugged his boxers off, throwing them somewhere behind him. There was an urgency about Daniel as he lay on top of Jack and kissed him again, touching him in his most sensitive places, alternating feather-light brushes with his fingertips and hard digs of his fingers into Jack�s flesh in a way that Jack was sure would leave bruising . It was never a cruel infliction of pain but more a silent demonstration of Daniel�s need for Jack and it drove Jack repeatedly to the very edge of ecstasy but no further.
Jack reached out to pull Daniel�s clothes off � he desperately needed to feel Daniel�s skin against his, but Daniel only laughed at him with eyes dark with passion. Daniel was concentrating solely on Jack�s pleasure and roughly brushed his hands aside. Time and again, Jack thought he was beyond the point of coherent thought, only to have Daniel move his hands or lips, or change his position slightly, reducing him to a heap of nerve endings capable of nothing. Jack flailed around with his arms trying to hold on to one of Daniel�s hands long enough to show him what he wanted, what he needed, but Daniel avoided being caught and teased him back to the edge again.
Finally, Jack managed to catch hold of Daniel�s hands and begged him with silent eyes to take pity on him. Despite Daniel�s acquiescence, Jack strained with every sinew, every nerve ending in his body to reach his climax. This was what he wanted, wasn�t it? Him and Daniel. Daniel and him. So if it was what he wanted why did he feel so bad? Jack had a sudden flash of memory, of Daniel scooting away from him as though he were a scalded cat. His reaction had done that to Daniel. His stupid reaction to Daniel had pushed him away.
Sighing, Jack pushed Daniel away from him and shook his head. He felt as though he�d run a marathon, his chest was heaving and his lungs and throat ached. Daniel held him close and whispered into his ear about everything and nothing as Jack calmed. Gradually the movement in his heaving chest reduced to something approximating normal breathing, although to Jack the thumping of his heart and his rasping breath seemed loud enough to be heard outside. He closed his eyes and pressed himself closer to Daniel who kissed his forehead and gently stroked his back. Jack tried to speak, to form the words he knew he should say but Daniel cut him off before he got to the second word, with a kiss which lasted both forever and was over in an instant.
�Jack.�
�Uh?�
�I think I�ve got to go now.�
�Are you coming back?�
A sudden loud noise outside jerked Jack back into his guilt-ridden reality. His recurring fantasies about Daniel reminded him of the time he and Teal�c had been stuck in that goddamned time-loop thing. He looked down at his shopping list which was slightly soggy but still legible. There was only one word on the list anyway: Daniel. Trying to ignore the dull ache in his balls, Jack threw his pen down in defeat, went over to the counter and busied himself making coffee.
No more. Can�t even jerk off properly these days anyway. What a loser. Even as he thought that, Jack knew that he was lying to himself, and was certain that the next hand that touched him would, once again, be his own.
Somehow he got through the rest of the day. He didn�t risk a trip to the supermarket because he was experienced at the grief and loss routine. He knew that the sight of Daniel�s favourite brand of cookies, or a quick glimpse of someone who looked vaguely like Daniel could set off the angry grief again. He didn�t think he was up to trying to explain to the manager just why he was smashing up the store. Jack thought he�d sunk low enough already, masturbating with an imaginary Daniel looking on, he didn�t need to go any lower and have to endure the pitying or frightened glances of people who didn�t have a clue what he was going through.
The day turned with the inevitability of nature into night. Jack resisted as long as possible, but there was a mission briefing to attend the next day and he knew that he shouldn�t put off sleep any longer. Reluctantly he took a shower, cleaned his teeth, folded his already neat towels into an even neater more precise pile and even seriously considered giving the bathroom a quick clean.
Shaking his head with a wry smile at his procrastination, he finally slipped into bed. Not wanting to distract himself by pretending to read, he didn�t switch on the lamp, setting his alarm by the light coming in through his window. Finally he settled down for the night lying on his back with his hands behind his head. Not a comfortable position for sleeping, but Jack knew that he would be awake for a while yet.
He looked at the night sky, watching as clouds gathered and gradually obscured the pale moon and stars. The wind shook the trees and rattled against the window. This was the sort of weather that Jack had enjoyed as a child. He closed his eyes and listened to the night noises, letting his mind drift and wander wherever it wanted.
His mind, of course, wanted to wander over to Daniel.
Jack tried to force his mind elsewhere, but there really wasn�t anywhere for it to go. All roads were currently leading back to Daniel and Jack knew that the healthy thing to do was to go with the flow. Eventually the flow would become a trickle, then a steady dribble, then an erratic drip. Finally he would be left with sporadic, sudden flickers of memory. The big question was: how long was it all going to take? With the exception of his son, Jack hadn�t lost someone who meant quite so much to him as Daniel had, and he still thought about Charlie every day.
Every single day of his life he thought about his son. Sometimes just a little glimpse of him as a baby, learning to walk, shouting in triumph as he caught his first baseball. Other times it was more prolonged. The really bad ones came when Jack was feeling down and he remembered those horrific, desperate few minutes as his son died before his eyes. His wife had been mute in her grief, something which fuelled Jack�s anger at the time. Belatedly he had recognised that part of her mourning had been for him. For the loss of their marriage.
Sara had taken counselling, joined a bereaved parents� group and had consequently learned to cope with the death of her child a lot quicker than Jack had. At the time, Jack had been furious with her. It had taken him until only a few years ago to realize that she had hidden her grief from the outside world, from him, even. All Sara�s grieving, he realized, had been internal.
Jack had spent a lot of time sitting in Charlie�s room wondering if he should end it all. Back then it had been the only way he could deal with everything � which, of course, wasn�t dealing with it at all, merely putting off the inevitable.
Briefly, Jack wondered if he had been right about wanting to take his own life. He mentally tossed the idea from hand to hand for a few minutes. Without thinking, Jack reached out and opened the drawer of the nightstand. He reached his hand inside and felt around until his hand closed over the cold hard metal of the revolver he kept in there. There had been a time when he�d kept the magazine next to the weapon, but these days there weren�t any tiny, enquiring hands to pull it out and do damage with it. The familiar weight of the handgun settled easily into his palm as he lifted it out and placed it next to the clock where he could see it.
Suddenly the curtains billowed and the window began to rattle violently. Cursing under his breath, Jack forced himself out of bed to close the window. Drawing the curtains, he was surprised to see that the clouds had thinned and the moon was clearly visible once more. The trees were still and there didn�t appear to be a breath of wind outside.
Jack crawled back under the covers. This time he lay on his side, one hand pillowed his cheek, the other gripped the comforter as if he were a child with his blankie.
After a quick check that the alarm was set for the morning, Jack stroked the revolver�s grip and automatically checked that the safety catch was on. He picked up the gun once more, felt its solid, familiar weight in his hands, that familiarity triggering the internal debate once again - the toss up between the slings and arrows of staying alive, or the peace and calm of oblivion. After a moment, he pushed the thoughts from his head, set the gun down again, determined to sleep if it killed him. The irony of that thought almost made him laugh, as he resolutely closed his eyes.
His eyes flew open as his bedroom door banged.
Positive that he had firmly closed the window, Jack sighed and closed his eyes again, he really couldn�t be bothered checking if the downstairs windows were all secured. Jack was alert enough to be shocked at his own attitude, but the truth of the matter was he didn�t care any more. If someone wanted to break in � let them. If they came into this room he wouldn�t be responsible for his actions. Anyway the door was closed now and wouldn�t bang again.
Despite his worries that sleep would elude him once more, Jack was soon asleep. He was quickly assaulted with visions of his son playing baseball with Daniel in the garden. They were both laughing and waving at him as he looked on from the deck. In his sleep he tossed and turned as Daniel and Charlie became more engrossed in their game and ignored him.
In the dream Jack had a terrible moment of premonition as he watched the boy in the garden, but he was unable to shout or move as he watched as, in slow motion, Charlie reach into a box of toys, withdraw a service revolver and shoot himself. Daniel crouched by the bloodied body on the ground and turned a look of complete desolation at Jack. After a few awful moments, his horrified expression faded and assumed the concerned but resolute expression of Daniel when one of his friends was in pain, and he could do nothing to help them. He looked once more at the small body on the floor and evaporated into a swirling white light which flowed over the boy before floating away into the sky.
Jack awoke clutching his pillow which was strangely wet. He had no clear memory of his dream only that it had been awful enough to both make him cry and wake him. Shivering, he realised that he was bathed in sweat and his comforter had slipped off the bed.
�Must have been some dream, you were thrashing around like a maniac.� Daniel set a steaming mug on the nightstand. �Here drink this.�
As Jack pushed himself into a half-sitting position, Daniel pulled the bedclothes over Jack and tucked them around him in a motherly way. He gently pushed Jack�s lower jaw into position before kissing him lightly and pushing the drink into his hands.
�Go away.� Jack refused to look at Daniel. �You�re not real.�
Daniel leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. �Drink it.�
Jack�s resolve broke and he tried to return the kiss, but Daniel was already pulling away from him, pointing silently at the mug.
�What is it?�
�Poison of course,� Daniel smiled. �What do you think it is?�
�Poison?�
�Drink.�
�Are you ordering me around?�
�Guess so.�
�Oh.� Jack took a tentative sip. �Urgh. Hot milk?�
�You don�t have any cocoa.�
�I�m not that old yet!� But Jack took another sip and another. There was a familiar taste underneath the milk. �Is there��
�Just a dash. To help you sleep.�
�I�m supposed to be off the booze.� Jack put the mug back on the nightstand.
Daniel sat next to Jack tucked one arm around his waist, pulling gently until Jack relaxed against him. He reached across Jack�s body and picked up the offending drink.
�Doctor�s orders.� He held the mug to Jack�s lips and tilted it until Jack had no choice but to swallow some of the milk.
�Doctor�s orders? You�re not that kind of a doctor.�
�Just drink Jack.�
�You�re not going to give up are you?�
�Nope.�
Jack sighed and took the mug again. He sipped and gulped steadily until the milk was drained. He pulled a face at Daniel, showed him the bottom of the cup. Daniel took it from him, leaned across and placed it on the nightstand. As he moved back into a sitting position he trailed his lips along Jack�s arm, up along his neck and jaw and finally kissed his lips.
Jack was taken by surprise, his whole body tensed and Daniel froze mid-kiss. Recovering quickly, Jack�s arms went around Daniel and he kissed him back without really thinking what he was doing. What started out as a chaste, almost friendly kiss, developed quickly into something altogether hotter, desperately urgent.
Daniel leaned over Jack, pressing his body against him in a rather awkward position until he was lying directly on top of him. Daniel breathed heavily into Jack�s ear, and manoeuvered himself so that he was straddling him. Jack closed his eyes and turned his head away as Daniel tried to kiss him again.
�Jack?� He sounded hurt.
�Daniel, what are you doing here? You're not supposed be here. You can't be here.�
�Yes I am. Here. Feel.� Daniel grabbed one of Jack�s hands and placed it over his heart.
Daniel�s skin was smooth and warm. Jack could feel the steady thumping under his hand. He snatched his hand away, but opened his eyes to stare the man, still kneeling, straddling his legs.
�It�s a dream. Go away. I don�t want this.�
Daniel gave him a curious half smile and looked pointedly at Jack�s groin. He arched an eyebrow. �Oh, really?�
�Yes, really.�
In answer, Daniel leaned forward and kissed him again. His lips were soft and they moulded into Jack�s perfectly. Jack leaned away as Daniel�s lips touched his, but was prevented from further escape by the headboard. Daniel pressed harder and gently nibbled and teased at Jack until he could resist no more and opened his mouth to Daniel�s warm, probing tongue. Jack remained passive as Daniel teased him with his mouth, pressing his body as close as possible.
�Jack.�
�Daniel.�
�I really am here.�
�Yeah, right. You always say that, and it�s never true.�
�And even if I�m not...� Daniel cupped Jack�s chin in his hand and forced his head up so that he looked directly into Daniel�s eyes, �...does it really matter?�
�Of course it matters!� Jack put his hands on Daniel�s chest and pushed him roughly away. �I am so not going through all that again.� He pushed the bedclothes aside and tried to stand, but was stopped by Daniel sliding his arms around Jack�s waist and holding on grimly. Jack struggled and, not for the first time, was surprised by Daniel�s strength.
�Jack. Don�t.�
The pain evident in those two words made Jack cease his fight. He sat stiffly, encircled by Daniel�s muscular arms, determined not to look Daniel in the face.
�Jack.�
�That�s my name.�
�Why won�t you look at me? Do I disgust you that much?�
�Go away. You�re not real.� Jack gave a half-hearted struggle and was surprised when Daniel suddenly let him go. He stumbled out of the door, ran across the landing and into the bathroom, closing the door with a resounding slam.
Daniel sighed and looked around the room. His eyes took in the fact that it hadn�t changed much since he was last in there. Noticing that the book on the nightstand was lying open, face down, he sighed and picked it up. Seeing a notepad next to the telephone he ripped off a piece, stuffed it in the appropriate place and put it back on the book on the nightstand. Tracing a finger along the title he gave a sad smile and sighed again.
�You don�t disgust me.� Jack stood in the doorway, not sure if he should enter the room or not. �I�m sorry.�
Daniel glanced up at the sound of Jack�s voice. �Don�t be.�
�I can�t help it.� Jack was shifting from foot to foot, clutching a towelling robe tightly, studiously not looking at Daniel. �I made you run away. If I hadn�t� you wouldn�t have� you know.�
�No Jack. What was I supposed to do? That guy� Jonas...�
�Jonas.� Jack spat the word as though he were trying to rid his mouth of a nasty taste.
�Yeah, Jonas. He was terrified. What else could I have done?�
�Left them to it?�
�Yeah. That would have worked. We�d all be dead.�
�Yeah.� Jack gave a wistful sigh.
Daniel�s head jerked up at the sound. �Jack.�
�What?�
�Don�t��
Daniel stood and turned to face Jack. He didn�t want to frighten Jack anymore, so he stayed standing by the bed, waiting, willing Jack to come to him this time. They stayed like that for a long time. Jack nervous and uncertain in the doorway and Daniel worried and sad by the bed.
Finally Jack looked up. Daniel looked real enough, standing in his room wearing the clothes that Jack had seen him in last, the white pyjamas from the infirmary. This time, however, he wasn�t swathed in bandages and looked ridiculously, unbelievably healthy. Jack sighed as he recalled his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked� frankly haggard. Yep. Haggard, old, tired, worn out�
What on earth is Daniel doing here?
�Jack?�
�Daniel.�
�Er�haven�t we done that bit already?� Daniel looked intently at Jack for a few seconds then glanced over at the revolver on the nightstand before speaking again. �You don�t really think that do you?�
�What?�
�That you�d be better off dead?�
�Sometimes.�
�This one of those times?�
�Kind of.�
�Want to talk about it?�
�No.�
�Oh.�
They stayed as they were for a few more minutes.
�So. If this is a dream, I could be sitting in bed with a pizza. Right?�
�It�s not a dream.� Daniel gave Jack a small smile.
�Yeah. Right.�
�No pizza.�
�If this really is a dream, I�d be in bed�� The rest of the sentence was mumbled as Jack once more turned his gaze to the floor and rubbed a hand across his face. Jack looked up again, into Daniel�s eyes, into his soul. He made his decision.
Daniel caught up with Jack in the living room with his hand on the key to the liquor cabinet.
�If this is a dream, it doesn�t matter. So I can drink the whole thing and it doesn�t matter. Nothing matters.�
�Don�t. Don�t do it Jack. It won�t solve anything.�
�I just want to be able to sleep for one night, without seeing you, or dreaming about you. There is, Daniel, nothing to solve.�
�Oh really?� Daniel pulled at Jack�s shoulder until Jack gave an irritated shrug and turned to face him. �Nothing to solve?� He pulled Jack into a tight embrace and kissed him. Not a gentle, loving kiss as he had before, but a hard, forceful assault on Jack�s mouth.
Daniel�s tongue forced entry to Jack�s mouth and his hands found the belt of Jack�s robe. His hands roamed over Jack�s naked body, roughly at first, but as Jack slowly relaxed, he gentled his touches. Grabbing hold of Jack�s wrist he pulled him over to the sofa, grunting with annoyance as Jack bent to retrieve his robe. When they got to the sofa, Jack pulled away and reversed the hold � he was now leading Daniel to the stairs.
Answering Daniel�s questioning look with a brief snort and a nod in the direction of his bedroom he said, �It�s more comfortable up there.�
Jack pulled Daniel into the bedroom, across to the bed and finally under the comforter. In silence they lay together, holding hands in the darkness, each of them lost in their own thoughts.
�So, if this is a dream��
�Jack are you sure��
They spoke simultaneously and laughed, which broke the ice.
�If this is a dream�� Jack turned onto his side and put his hand on Daniel�s stomach. �My dream� I can do what I want?�
�I guess so.�
Jack moved his hand in small circles on Daniel�s stomach and smiled as he increased the movement sliding his hand downward, and encountered Daniel�s erection. He moved closer, so that he was pressed against Daniel�s body and smoothed his other hand over Daniel�s forehead.
�So� you wanted to go fishing with me?� Jack�s hand had moved rhythmically as he leaned over to kiss Daniel.
�Mmmm.�
�Fishing?� The strokes were firmer now and increasing in speed.
�Mmmm.�
�To catch fish?� The grin was evident from Jack�s tone as he stepped up the pace.
�Jack.�
�Daniel.�
�Did anyone ever tell you��
�What?�
�You talk too much!� Daniel took advantage of Jack�s momentary confusion to roll away from him, but a second later wished he hadn�t. Jack�s reaction was something he hadn�t anticipated, something he wouldn�t have anticipated in a million years.
One minute Jack had been sure that he and Daniel were about to make love and the next� the next Daniel had pulled away from him again. He quickly flicked through his memory of the last half hour to see what he might have said or done to scare Daniel off like that. Again. Jack came up with nothing.
He looked over at Daniel and his face hardened.
�Go away.� Turning on his side to face away from Daniel, he pulled the covers as high as possible, hunched up and closed his eyes. �I can�t do this anymore.�
�Jack.� Daniel reached out to touch his shoulder.
Jack flinched away from him and kept silent.
�Jack� what did I do?� Silence met his enquiry.
�I do disgust you. I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to�� Daniel stood up and walked over to the door. He stood and looked at Jack for a minute or two, before turning, closing the door behind him and walking down the stairs.
Jack opened one eye. Way to go, O�Neill. You�ve done it again.
�It�s only a dream. He�s not really here.� Jack heard the distant �ching� of the receiver being placed back on the cradle of the telephone and looked over at his clock. He watched as ten minutes ticked by. Eleven. Twelve.
D�ja vu, he thought.
The noise of the front door, opening and closing as the fourteenth minute came to a close, galvanized him into action. Jack sprang out of bed and thundered down the stairs. He was halfway along the drive when he realised that he was stark naked, the pounding of his running feet on the gravel drive was causing him not inconsiderable pain.
�Don�t.� He called. �Daniel! Don�t go.�
Daniel turned and looked at Jack. The ridiculous sight of Jack practically skipping towards him to minimise the impact of the stones on his bare feet, made him smile, despite the circumstances.
�Jack.�
�Daniel.�
�Here.� Daniel held out a jacket that Jack recognised as one of his. �I borrowed it. I was going to send it back. I didn�t want to get in a cab like this.� He flapped his hands up and down to indicate the pyjamas from the infirmary and a pair of paper slippers.
Jack stuffed his arms into the jacket and shivered. �C�mon. Let�s get back inside.�
Once inside, Jack went into the living room and wrapped himself in the afghan from the back of the sofa. Silently he indicated the armchair, which had a smaller version folded over it, which Daniel draped around himself with a grateful smile.
�Coffee?�
�Yes.� Daniel sat on the sofa. �Uh, please.�
Jack pottered around in the kitchen and emerged a few minutes later with two steaming mugs. He gave one to Daniel and pointedly sat on the armchair to drink his.
�So.�
�So.� Daniel stared into his mug as though the dark surface of the coffee could reveal the answers to every question in the universe.
�Why are you doing this to me? You�re just a dream � my dream god dammit! Explain to me why you keep torturing me like this!�
�I�m not a dream,� Daniel said gently, �and you�re not asleep.�
�You can�t prove that.�
�Apparently not.� Daniel raised his eyes to Jack�s and held his gaze steady. �So why not just go with the flow?�
�If you�re not a dream, what are you doing here? If you remember, the last time we saw each other you were� you know�� Jack flapped his arm around as if it could complete the sentence for him. �What I mean is� you� ah� went all white and swirly.�
�You want me to be here.� It wasn�t a question.
�That�s not the point Daniel. What I want��
�That is exactly the point. What you want.�
Jack dropped his eyes and stared at his now empty mug. �Do you want some more coffee?�
�Don�t change the subject.� Daniel put his mug on the table and moved over to where Jack was sitting. Kneeling on the floor, he manoeuvered himself so that he was between Jack�s legs, resting his elbows on Jack�s knees. �Why not just see where this goes?� he whispered.
�Don�t want to.�
�Oh.�
�What do you mean saying �Oh� like that?�
�Nothing.�
�Bullshit. You never utter a sound without meaning to. So� give.�
�I guess I was wrong. This isn�t what you wanted.� Daniel shrugged as if it was no big deal.
�No.� Jack stared at Daniel. "No you're not wrong."
�So, why don�t you want to� you know.� Daniel blushed and Jack felt a flush of sympathy, which soon turned to something else when Daniel put his hand on Jack�s thigh and looked up at him with eyes full of need.
�Don�t.� Jack tried to push his hand away, but yet again was surprised at how strong Daniel was.
Daniel pulled himself up and leaned into Jack. He crawled up Jack�s body until he had him pushed flat against the back of the armchair and kissed him on the mouth. Finding Jack�s shoulders, Daniel slid his hands down his arms until he had hold of his wrists which he held firm against the armrests. Kissing along Jack�s chin, under his jaw, down his throat, stopping briefly to lick the hollow at the base, Daniel left a damp trail over the ridge of Jack�s sternum and continued down to his stomach. He struggled with the blanket for a while but soon succeeded in pushing it out of the way.
With his chin resting in the hollow of Jack�s navel he looked up and spoke for the first time. �Jack, let me do this.�
�No. Don�t.� But Jack made no attempt to push him off.
�Why?� Without waiting for an answer Daniel sat back on his heels, dropped his own blanket on the floor and took off the pyjama top. Kneeling up, keeping his eyes fixed on Jack�s he slid the thin cotton pants over his hips, and pushed them past his knees. Giving them a final tug he stood up and held a hand out to Jack. As if mesmerised, Jack allowed himself to be pulled over to the sofa, where he was pushed gently onto his back. Daniel knelt on the floor and laid his head on Jack�s chest.
�Daniel. Don�t.�
�Why not?�
�Just� don�t.� Jack closed his eyes and rested his head on the armrest. How could he explain to Daniel that he wanted this more than anything in the world, but at the same time it was the last thing he wanted? He didn�t have the words to tell him that he needed this chance to make things right so badly that he almost didn�t have the guts to see it through. That half of him thought this was real and the other half knew he was dreaming. And if it was a dream� if it was a dream at some point he would have to wake up. Alone.
Daniel knelt quietly by Jack�s side, still holding one of his hands, but otherwise they weren�t touching as if he was waiting for Jack to make his decision. Jack could hear his breathing, could feel the warmth of Daniel�s hand in his own. In spite of his turmoil, Jack found exhaustion was overtaking him, and he started to drift into a half-sleep where he felt warm, comfortable and relaxed. And a small part of him knew that it was Daniel�s presence that gave him those feelings.
Dimly aware that Daniel was moving, Jack didn�t protest because they still had contact through their hands. Almost imperceptibly, Jack tightened his grip, silently asking Daniel not to leave him again. The movement stopped, but Jack was too comfortable to open his eyes and raise his head to check on Daniel. They were still holding hands and that was enough.
�Jack open your eyes.�
�Nope.�
�Why not?�
�Because then I�ll stop dreaming and�� Jack put his arm across his eyes. ��you�ll be gone.�
Daniel pushed gently until Jack moved over and allowed him to lie alongside him on the sofa. He wriggled around a little until he was half covering Jack, his arm resting across Jack�s waist.
�I�ll never leave you, you know that.� Gently tapping Jack�s forehead he carried on speaking, �in here, and� he placed his hand flat over Jack�s heart. �And in here.�
Daniel moved his warm hand across Jack�s chest then, brushing gently over the nipple, down along his ribcage. Jack squirmed as Daniel passed over a sensitive spot on the soft skin just below his ribs. Daniel teased him softly with his fingertips until he saw the beginnings of a smile on Jack�s lips. Kissing those lips, Daniel distracted Jack for a few seconds, until he felt the other man stiffen under his body as his hand closed over his aroused cock. Without letting go, Daniel pulled his face away from Jack�s and spoke in a whisper.
�Relax Jack. I�m not going to do anything you don�t want me to.�
�Daniel� I�� Jack�s voice failed him and he swallowed a few times. He pulled half-heartedly at the arm trapped under Daniel�s body, but there really was nowhere to pull it to, so he gave up.
�Jack. Do you want me to stop?�
�I� I don�t know.� Jack was so tense he was trembling. He honestly had no idea if he should try to enjoy what they were about to do, or wrestle Daniel to the ground and beat him to a pulp.
Don�t be stupid, O�Neill, this is Daniel for crying out loud. This is what you wanted.
�Do you want to go upstairs?�
�I don�t know� what do you want?� Jack�s voice was barely audible.
�I only want you to be sure about this. To be comfortable with it. To know that I love you.�
�You��
�Shhh. It�s okay. It�s not a threat.� Daniel looked at Jack and gave him a sad smile. �Jack, do you want me to go?�
�No.� Jack swallowed again and removed his arm from his face, although he kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He fumbled until he found Daniel�s face, and laid a hand against his cheek and smiled as he felt Daniel lean into it like a cat. He moved his hand, down Daniel�s throat, over his shoulder, along his ribcage and rested it for a few seconds on his waist. All the time Daniel examined his face intently, looking for some sign that he should leave. None came.
After what seemed like an age, Daniel leaned over and kissed him, moving his lips past Jack�s jaw and along his throat, dipping his tongue into the hollow just below his throat and nibbling at the soft skin above his collarbone before moving back to his lips. Jack sighed and kissed him back, moving his hand again until it came to rest over the top of Daniel�s fingers, curled gently around his throbbing cock. He twisted his fingers through those that were holding him lightly and moved the hand up a fraction. Getting the wrong idea, Daniel made to move his hand away from Jack�s cock, but replaced it quickly when Jack gave a sort of grunt and pushed it blindly back in place.
Without breaking their kiss, Daniel began to stroke him gently, pushing his body closer into Jack�s until Jack was in no doubt that Daniel was as turned on as he. Jack relaxed slightly and Daniel increased the pressure and speed of his movement. The world stopped spinning, time stood still, the universe narrowed down to two bodies lying on a sofa. All of those clich�s and many others were true as finally, Jack relaxed and began to give himself over to the sensation of someone touching him in his most intimate places.
He reached up to touch Daniel�s face again, tracing his lips and jaw, smoothing a fingertip along his eyebrows and around the edge of his ear. Splaying his fingers through Daniel�s too-short hair, Jack pulled him closer for another kiss, and this time it was full of the passion that had been promised on the day they argued. Jack angrily banished that thought and concentrated on lips on lips and skin on skin as the tenseness finally left him completely.
Daniel pushed himself up onto his elbow, and looked at Jack, as he lay back against the cushions, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open, panting slightly from arousal. Daniel pushed Jack�s legs apart with his knee, and pressed his hips down, rubbing his own erection against Jack�s groin.
Jack�s breathing became heavier as Daniel kept up the pressure then leaned down and slowly licked the tip of his penis. Jack stopped breathing altogether as Daniel slowly took the whole length of him in his mouth sucking him in strongly, then slowly releasing him only to pull him in again.
Again and again, Daniel took Jack into his mouth, alternating warm breaths on the sensitised tip and gentle rubbing with the ball of his thumb. Jack started breathing again, his breaths coming faster and faster as Daniel�s tongue teased Jack back into a state of total and mindless tension. Once more, Jack threw his arm over his eyes as he began to tremble. Feeling Jack shuddering under his attention, Daniel moved his knee away and stroked Jack�s balls with his palm. Jack�s stomach contracted as he felt Daniel�s finger trace a slow line from the base of his cock, over the soft skin of his scrotum and massaged his perenium in time with the movement of his mouth.
Now the universe narrowed even further to Daniel�s mouth on Jack, and that slow burning heat in the pit of his stomach that told him he was very close to the point of no return. His hand clutched convulsively at the cushions beneath him and he bit his top lip in an attempt not to cry out. Faster and faster, Daniel�s tongue was on his skin and suddenly the burning heat concentrated into a brilliant white flash. Jack let go of his lip and his inhibitions and yelled as he came with a force that was surprising to him even in the haze of his climax.
Jack was aware of someone stroking his forehead, whispering to him, wrapping him in a human blanket but, for a second or two, he had no idea even where he was. He felt a rush of cold air as Daniel left the sofa, Jack felt his heart wrench and helpless tears pricked at his eyes, when he realized that Daniel and this had all just been another dream.
Jack closed his eyes and turned on his side to get comfortable, punching violently at the cushion beneath his head. Suddenly he felt the sofa dip as Daniel sat down again, then a rough warmth as the afghan was draped over him. Jack felt Daniel�s hands smooth the blanket over his body, the flood of relief that Daniel hadn�t gone was almost overwhelming. Not daring to speak or move for fear of crying, or begging Daniel to stay, he forced himself to be content to lay there enjoying the comfort of being loved, of having someone care about him, of not being completely alone. Wanting more, Jack tried to pull Daniel onto the sofa with him, and grunted when it became obvious that Daniel didn�t want to.
Chancing a glance in Daniel�s direction Jack knew that was unfair. Always able to read Daniel�s expression, it was only too clear that there was nothing Daniel would have liked better than to stretch out alongside Jack and stay awhile.
There was something else written on that face though, desire mingled with� it took Jack a few seconds to register that it was regret. He felt a lurch in his stomach, surely Daniel didn�t regret what had happened? Sure, it had been mostly one sided, but Daniel couldn�t think that Jack would only take from him.
Looking into Daniel�s eyes Jack recognised his momentary panic for complete nonsense. Blue eyes burned a path to his soul conveying more in that one look than a lifetime of words could possibly hope to achieve. That Daniel loved him, and the regret was for something else. The knowledge of the inevitablity of their parting .
�Jack.�
�Yeah, Daniel?�
�I think I�ve got to go now.�
�But you just got here! Are you sure you have to leave?� Jack felt the lurch in his stomach turn into an icy fear. A fear that he recognised. Fear of being alone. Again. �Daniel? Are you coming back?�
�I don�t know.�
Jack closed his eyes in a vain attempt to hide his tears. "Were you really here, Daniel?"
Daniel gave a small, sad smile in reply. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, husky with emotion, �Jack?�
�Yeah?"
�I�m gonna miss you, Jack.� Daniel bent and kissed Jack on the forehead.
The insistent bleeping of the alarm pulled Jack into reality. It sounded faint, muted from its usual blaring sound that usually drilled straight into Jack's skull.
�Aw crap. It was a dream.� He pulled the blanket over his head and tried to get back to where he�d been before the clock had so rudely interrupted him. Dreams, however, are hugely resistant to being summoned at the whim of the dreamer and Jack had the backdrop of a bleeping alarm to further distract him.
Reaching out one arm he patted around, trying to find the clock and shut off the annoying whine. His hand met only carpet. Feeling carefully around, Jack realized that he wasn�t in bed.
If I�m not in bed� Oh� Jack sat up and was surprised to find himself on the sofa, with only a blanket covering his modesty.
Ignoring the clock in his bedroom, Jack smiled a little sadly as he recalled his dream. He settled back against the cushions and let his hand wander down to his cock. He rubbed it gently and was surprised when instead of an immediate response it felt slightly sore. He swung his legs round and stood up.
What the hell?
Jack sat down abruptly as he felt a pain in his left foot. Lifting it awkwardly to rest on his right knee he bent to examine the sole and wasn�t really surprised to see a few small surface cuts. He rubbed his foot as he thought about the night that had just come to an end. Jack still wasn�t completely sure if he had dreamt the whole thing or not. One thing was for sure though. He was alone now.
Again.
The thought didn�t send him screaming to the liquor cabinet as it might have done twenty-four hours previously. He still had a way to go, but finally he had said goodbye to Daniel. He looked over to the window where, through the slats of the blind, he could see the sun rise and a small, sad smile came to his lips.
�I'm gonna miss you too Daniel.�
~The End~
