1999 february 08

breaking the waves

there are movies i love, but should never see.

breaking the waves broke my heart. i cried through almost the entire movie and spent the rest of the day in a strange sort of teary eyed hangover daze. a friend recommended i see the film when it first came out; i'm glad i didn't watch it then as i was much less emotionally stable. it quite possibly would have pushed me over the thin line of sanity. yes, i realize it sounds terribly melodramatic, but nonetheless, four years ago, to the month, i was in very bad shape and just about anything had the power to topple me.

i realize it was just a movie, but like any piece of great art, it spoke to me in many ways. i have loved as deeply as bess loved, and loved in such a way as to be self destructive. i have delusionally believed my actions directly affected the health and well being of those i loved and there were very few limits to what i would do for someone i believed i was truly in love with. bess died, according to her doctor, of being good. all my life, i have been a good girl, have put the needs and happiness of others above my own, have sacrificed myself for the betterment of lovers, friends, and even family.

waves of feelings i thought i had long since squelched have been crashing inside me all day. i need to return that video as soon as possible.

apropos of nothing, i was highly amused today to learn king hussein of jordan was affectionately referred to as the plk: perky little king.

a couple of my girlfriends and i have a valentine's day tradition.

the week before the holiday, we each buy a small box of conversation hearts and every morning, we compose poems using the little candies and send them off to each other. we have had some classic verse in years past but looking at this year's box of choices, i don't think 1999 will be an award winner, at least not for me. who knows what hannah and chrissie will come up with.

dream girl,
      why not
            ask me, hug me
                  fax me, love me

  i'm only sweet talk.

good thing i already have a sweetheart, and don't need to woo a new one.

love me, claire