1999 february 05

enough already

i am sick of being sick.

i went to the office yesterday, came home early with a 102F fever and am going to stay home again today, giving me a three day weekend to finally shake this disease. the guilt of not carrying my weight at work is just barely outweighed by how absolutely horrid i feel, so i did make sure to grab a folder full of stuff i can do here at home. i should learn how to be a proper sick person, to stay home and take care of myself, ignoring the job in favor of my health.

when walking through buildings of any sort, i have an unfortunate habit of clipping corners and doorjambs with my shoulders, completely underestimating how much space i need to successfully negotiate safe passage. i constantly bang my shins and thighs and tables and chairs. my knees are permanently scarred from all the times i have just about torn the kneecaps off while spinning in the chair at my desk. my knuckles and fingers are a maze of tiny insignificant scars.

my mother is of the opinion it is all a manifestation of my low self esteem. she reckons if i cared more about myself, i would take better care of myself, both consciously and subconsciously. i am of the opinion it is her way of rationalizing why five years of ballet has left me the same klutz i was when i started.

i hated ballet lessons. it never came easily to me and i always felt like an elephant amongst the gazelles. after years of torture and practice, it seemed i was finally getting the hang of it all when i had my first major growth spurt, a spurt that included the first blossoming of my now ample bosom, and suddenly my center of gravity shifted; i was back where i had started.

the only thing i liked about the whole affair were the recitals. not that i was all that keen on dancing in front of people, but i did so love the costumes. the bride outfit was my second favorite, my very favorite costume was that of a firefly. i am sad beyond belief there are no photographs of this getup, more disappointed it was in the days before video cameras as it must have been a sight to see: a strapless, pale yellow satin bodice with ankle length tulle skirt, gold sequins lining the edges and interspersed randomly through the three or four layers of the skirt, a gold sequined tiara, and the best part, the part i will never forget, the battery pack worn under the outfit that controlled a set of mini christmas lights sewn to the skirt.

when we first came on stage, at the very beginning of the recital, all the lights were down and all anyone saw were little yellow lights flitting all over the stage. gradually the lights came up to reveal twelve preteens, trying our best to look beautifully flighty and gracefully insectile. all evening long we filled the spaces between dances by weaving across the stage in the dark, leading the prince through the forest.

i'm sure it was much more entertaining than watching me weave feverishly down my hallway last night.

still sniffling, claire