|CHAPTER 31: THE END OF MY ROPE
Thursday, February 9, I joined a fun story, I can’t remember what it was. Somebody, probably Jehovah or Cluckie, must have brought up about me bringing dolls on a car ride and into the store. Dana was laughing and joking with them. It drove me nuts that she was so nice to Cluckie, a guy who would make fun of a woman the way he did to me. Dana must have believed someone when they said I take dolls in the store with me. I remember she said, “Yikes!” I saved my reply to her post:
“Dana, I tell you, you just keep getting worse and worse. You are making fun of me along with the Tough Chicks, and being nice to that JERK Cluckie, who made fun of me for the bj thing…I do NOT take dolls into stores with me, although I would like to. But of course that is not socially acceptable and I don’t have the guts. But there is NOTHING wrong with taking a doll with me and having a chance to admire her during a long drive. The women in my doll groups do things like this all the time—just the other day a woman was talking about a favorite doll she takes places, including vacations, etc.”
“I am so sick of this,” I added.
And I was. I was sick of everyone acting like such bullies. Why were they so mean? Dana replied that I would never convince her that this was normal, but said something about respecting my opinion or that I could do this if I wanted to. I reminded her how I had stood up for her when BohunkPolack was giving her a hard time, and told her I just did not appreciate her making fun of me, that if she was a doll collector, she would understand. A few more people poked fun of me, and then Sugarlovenugget told me something about how we all do stupid things, but that we just don’t tell people. I understood her point, I really did. And I realized that was not a doll board. But there was no reason people had to be so brutal, acting so “tough”. I could have said something like that in one of my doll groups and nobody would have poked fun. And of course this was all started by Funnychick. I had told her about my doll collecting in an effort to help her realize she didn’t need POT to relax, and she picked up on the car ride thing and made me out to be a mentally-challenged nutcase. Then she spread this to the main boards just to have a good laugh.
That board was winding down so after reading Sugarlovenugget’s post, I found a new one on the main page, a story about sumo wrestling. Lots of people were there already, and by the time I joined, I saw that some were STILL poking fun about the doll thing. I was annoyed, but still in control. I had a couple of friendly posts with Two_Dogs, who was taking jabs at “Dana and her posse” and said he was sorry that she mocked me.
The following are quotes from just the posts I read. I did not read all the messages on that board. I’m sure there were many other horrible things I missed, and hopefully some nice things, too, but I’ll never know. I’m too afraid to look.
“Rose14hof”, a guy I knew for a year or so, who had said nice things about my pictures and who I had been nice to in turn, said, “Cindy what was up with your tirade a few days ago? You hurt a lot of people’s feelings on here, you, know.”
“I hurt people’s feelings??? THEY HURT MY FEELINGS!!!!” I replied. “I would never purposely try to hurt anybody’s feelings! When I have blown up, it has been because I’ve been so hurt!”
He then said, “Yeah but you don’t seem like the type to go off on a profanity laced tirade like that. You are not a postal employee, are you?
I said, “Geez, if you had really read one of my blowups, you should have been able to see why I did it! I wouldn’t just blow up out of the blue! It has been after months and months of abuse, after trying to be nice to people and them just saying the MEANEST things and saying untrue things and purposely trying to hurt and provoke me. And you say I hurt a lot of feelings???”
I was missing a lot of posts at this point, apparently people were being insulting, because
Jehovah started a topic: “Lots of ‘Tough Chicks’ Posting Today”, on which he wrote a tongue-in-cheek message: “Why are they so mean to Cindybin anyway??? Sheesh! Dana, whosedawg, love_is_a_verb, proud_member_of_the_public…BITCHES!!!”
I saw that Pixie had replied to Jehovah, and took a chance on reading it. I shouldn’t have. “How did I become a tough chick???” she said. “Oh wait, I remember…I didn’t agree with Cindy’s opinion on something, so I’m a bad person now.”
I knew I was starting to lose it. But I gave it one more try. “Love, THAT IS NOT IT!!!!! YOU HAVE MISINTERPRETED EVERYTHING!!!! I DON’T THINK YOU ARE A BAD PERSON AT ALL, I DON’T THINK ANYONE IS A BAD PERSON!!!!!!!! I REALLY, REALLY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE SAID WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME THESE PAST FEW WEEKS, I HAVE CRIED BUCKETS OVER THIS THING.”
Pixie replied, “I’ve barely said anything to you these past few weeks, since you told ME that you’d put me on ignore. P.S. Build a bridge and get over it.”
Then Jehovah started a topic: “HOLY SHIT!!!! CINDY YOU’RE INSANE!!!” He posted this in reply to what I just said to Pixie how she had misinterpreted everything. He said, “Love is a verb is the nicest, most nonjudgmental person on Yahoo. You are a FUCKING WHACK-JOB!!!!”
She then said to him, “Who are you, and what have you done with Jehovah? : ) Thanks for saying I’m nice!”
I kept trying with Pixie. “I never said I’d put you on ignore!!!! Again, you have misinterpreted everything! I never had anything against you, I always thought you were the nicest lady!”
To Jehovah, I said, “Okay, I will never be nice to you again. This is what I get for trying to be nice to people.” I couldn’t believe he had said that to me. I had usually been nice to him, going along with his fake doll ID, and we had a nice conversation on Messenger. Didn’t he even read my post to Pixie? I had been pleading with her to try and realize this was a misunderstanding! I was telling her that I didn’t think she was a bad person, I was telling her how upset I had been over this! And this is what he said to me? And then Pixie didn’t defend me at all. Here he tells me I’m a “f*cking whack-job” and all she does is thank him for saying she is nice!
Pixie then said to me, “And yet you attacked me for saying that faerie is a nice person, and that you had no business jumping all over her because she smokes pot. I am against drugs of all kinds, but you are too judgmental. Get the beam out of your own eye before you point out the splinter in someone else’s. We ALL have sin in our life.”
My last reply:
“I KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!! OH YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!! AFTER ALL THE EMAILS WE SENT, AFTER ALL WE TALKED, AND YOU ARE THINKING I AM THIS BAD PERSON!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT JUDGMENTAL AT ALL!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT FAERIE IS A GOOD PERSON, THAT’S WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING HER FOR MONTHS!!!!!!!!! THAT’S WHAT I ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!...I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE….
IF SOMEONE LIKE LOVE IS A VERB, WHO I THOUGHT WAS THE NICEST LADY, WHO I THOUGHT UNDERSTOOD ME, WHO I CARED ABOUT, IF SHE SAYS ALL THIS STUFF TO ME…I CAN’T TAKE IT I HATE YOU ALL I WANT TO DIE.”
I was to the point where I just didn’t know what to do with all the anger and rage and hurt I felt. I’m not a murderer, and even if I were, I didn’t know these people anyway. So I kept having these feelings of wanting to take it out on myself. I knew it was time to leave. I couldn’t go back.
Over the next few days I tried finishing my email to Pixie. I told her again that I know Fairiewhings is a good person. I tried to make her understand that she was in effect excusing Faerie’s behavior because she is good. “Think if some kid were reading that, somebody on the brink of deciding whether or not to try marijuana. He or she may be feeling weak, not sure what to do, and then you make it sound like its okay for Faerie to smoke pot because she’s a ‘good person.’ The kid reading this sees that Faerie is a grown adult, a mother with a good job, seems decent, kind, and respectable. This kid will think, ‘Hey, she can be all these things and still smoke pot, and nothing is happening to her. She seems to be doing just fine, and people are sticking up for her and ganging up on that judgmental Cindybin. I think I’ll try some pot after all.’ And then that kid finally caves under the peer pressure or curiosity and does smoke some pot. Granted, chances are nothing will happen to the kid. But then there are others who will get caught, or experience this as a stepping stone to harder drugs.”
“I understand about ‘attacking’ people,” I continued in my email. “And as you know, I never call people names or anything. You won’t see me starting threads stating that ‘potheads are losers’ and stuff like that. I always try to make people see that they are too GOOD to be lighting up a joint and getting ‘stoned’, and that they of all people should know better. And that’s what I had been doing with Faeriewhings, stating all the good things about her, saying how she is a grown woman, a MOTHER, with a good job, she seems so nice, and yet she still smokes pot!
“It’s one thing for immature teens and college kids to try this out of peer pressure. And I have told you about my son who served a church mission, how he was assigned to ghetto areas going door to door spreading the gospel message to anyone who would like to hear about it. He talked to people he would never have otherwise had a chance to talk to, many families where the parents all did drugs, and then the kids used drugs, too, because they didn’t know any better. They just weren’t taught to stay away from them, and they learned this behavior by example, how they were raised. One can hardly blame these kids for that, and we can only hope and pray they come to realize that using drugs is wrong. That is one of the goals of the missionaries, to teach gospel principles like this. In any case, of course I would not ‘attack’ kids like this, who weren’t raised to know any better. I would try to help them.
“But people like Faeriewhings are a different story. As far as I know, she wasn’t raised in a ghetto with drug addict parents. She seems to be a decent person who should know better. And that makes it worse! This is what I HAD been trying to get through to her. Goings ort of into “mother mode” and saying what I did out of love and concern, and also because I had every right to be upset and appalled, just as a parent would be upset and appalled at their own child if they smoked pot. You still love the child, but you are angry and upset and want to talk some sense into them. That’ what I was trying to do, trying to make her see that she of all people should know better, that she is a grown woman, a MOTHER, with a good job, and nice and kind, etc. But then she put me on ignore! I was so PISSED! It’s just so frustrating!!! And that’s why I said what I did that day; I admit I came on a little strong, but I was just feeling so frustrated, and I knew she wouldn’t see it anyway. The more she displays her ‘good qualities’ and shows how nice and caring she is, the madder I get, because I think, ‘If she is so good, why is she still SMOKING POT???’ And then I try to talk some sense into her in a loving, caring way, and she puts me on ignore!!!!”
Pixie had said on the boards that everyone has sin in their lives. I know that! Did she think I was sin-free? Believe me, I am not! Nobody is! In an earlier post, I believe that Pixie told me “everyone has their vices.” Oh, that made me so mad! I know that too! But what am I supposed to do when a woman like Faerie tells me and everyone else on the World Wide Web that she smokes pot? Sure, there may be only a handful on the board, but there could be thousands of lurkers, reading it at that moment or months or even years from now. Once it’s out there, it’s out there. So what am I supposed to say when she blurts this out like it’s nothing? “Oh, that’s okay, Fairie, because you’re a good person and everyone has their vices. Everyone has sin in their lives.” Meanwhile kids like Tim who got arrested with the pipe go through hell. I have heard of people dying in jail, one guy said his nephew got thrown into jail for having a joint, he was with some thugs and he died. And here parents try to teach their kids morals and values, to stay away from drugs, to stay away from people who use drugs. But it’s okay for Faerie, because she’s a good person. And nobody would suspect her, either. What kind of message is this sending to any young people who may be reading that board? Let’s all stick up for Faerie, the pot-smoker who is a good person, and bash Cindybin, who tries to talk some sense into her.
I had every right to express my opinion to Faerie. As I said, the rules are different online. We’re all on equal footing so to speak. I would be afraid to walk up to a gang of hoodlums on the street or in some shady dive, or at a “rave” where people are doing drugs. But I could be talking to a street thug or some burly guy with a knife online, and we’re all the same on the boards. It’s all just posts with a different number and different words. And when someone says they smoke pot, I see it as a chance to HELP them, whereas I’d be afraid to in real life, or simply not have the opportunity, since I don’t know anyone who smokes it.
But I knew trying to tell her all this was futile. I had told her everything before, anyway. If she didn’t understand all my posts and previous emails, she wouldn’t understand this. It would take writing a book.