CHAPTER 32: WILL CINDYBIN RETURN?

And so, it wasnít the toughest of the Tough Chicks who pushed me over the edge; it was sweet Pixie, Love_is_a_Verb. I still canít believe this happened. Every time she posted, I checked her ID to make sure it wasnít an imposter. I know she had a number of them (Love_is_a_turd; F*ck_is_a_Verb, Love_is_a_Verb03). But no, they were always Love_is_a_Verb04 or 02 (and sometimes Pixiechick1961). Iíve gone over and over this in my head, trying to figure out what happened. Did Pixie misunderstand something I said? Did she see a troll post and think it was me? She knew my IDís, but perhaps she slipped. Did Fairiewhings see a troll post, thinking it was me, and then tell Pixie, who believed it was me as well? Did Pixie not value our friendship the way I did? I just donít know. I half expect to find out that the real Pixie has been kidnapped and some troll has taken over her ID. But after what Iíve experienced on these boards, Iíve resigned myself to the fact that it almost certainly was her, and that she meant every word she said. In any case, I canít say anything bad about Pixie. I mentioned before that I greatly admire her, and I still do.

After scrapping the idea of just trying to send an email and realizing that I had to write a book, I tried to think of a title. As I was working away, I thought about what a project this was turning out to be. Then it dawned on me. I remembered Fuschia joking several times last year that she didnít think there was a Cindybin, but that my ID was really a group of grad students doing an experiment on them. She dubbed it ďThe Cindybin Project.Ē I vehemently denied this, of course. But I couldnít help think that it would make a fitting title. So, Fuschia, if you are reading this, I have named the book in honor of you. Now go puke on yourself.

This is just my side of the story, how I remember it, from my point of view. Iím sure others would have their own versions. Who knows, we might be reading more books in the future: ďThe Funnychick FilesĒ, ďThe Pixie PapersĒ, ďThe Dana DiariesĒ, ďTickyTackís TalesĒ. The possibilities are endless.

I have tried to be honest and fair in this book. I have left many things out; there just was not enough room or time to write about every little thing and person. Iím sorry if I made any mistakes with names or chronology or quotes. I tried to do the best I could from memory and with what little documentation I could find. Luckily I saved enough to be able to do a fairly good job of piecing this together. (As Pete says, ďYou Mormons and your records!Ē)

I really tried to not hurt anyoneís feelings; if I did, I am truly sorry. Again, I would not pick on anybody if I thought I was hurting them. But the women who casually used crude words, or people who smoked pot, I figured they were tough enough to handle comments from lilí olí me. Iím also sorry for my profanity-laced outbursts. Again, that is not like me at all, and I cannot believe I lost control and stooped so low. (By the way, cs_vapor, if you are reading this, you know that line on your Cindybin.com site that says I never get mad? You may want to think about revising thatÖ).

What bothers me the most is that all the people who made fun of me and hurt me are HAPPY. They are content with themselves and their lives. Ladysteeler probably didnít think a thing of what she said to me; she probably went on with her life, her husband and kids adore her, she laughs and jokes and has friends. Same with people like Suthen_Talk, and Fairne18 and Silver and Hummy, and all the other women who made me feel terrible. They are happy with their lives, and Iím the one who has been reduced to tears. Not to mention all the physical symptoms Iíve experienced: heart palpitations, bowel problems, sleep disturbances, depressive episodes where I can barely talk. I know I shouldnít let it get to me. I know people like Pete are right, that Yahoo and the boards are ďjust a click away from nothing.Ē

But these are REAL PEOPLE, and they meant what they said! It scares me, because I think of all the people I come into contact in real life, are they like this, too? Do these boards bring out all the worst in people, or do the worst people go to the boards, or are they representative of what people are really like? The subject of marijuana and bjís and lowcarb and dolls and such donít come up much in real life, and usually people are real nice and polite in person. But if I met up on a Yahoo board with one of my neighbors, or the lady I just passed in the grocery store, or some woman I had done volunteer work with, and we were posting anonymously, and these subjects came up, would they say the same things that the meanies said to me? I know most of us have said things on the boards that we didnít mean or would never say in real life. But do these people feel at all sorry for what they said to me? A woman like Suthen_Talk could very well be one of those nice ladies I volunteered with or that I pass in the grocery store. We know that she herself volunteers at Christmas, so she is obviously a very nice, caring person in real life. But look at what she said to me on the boards, how much she hurt me and delighted in seeing the trolls make fun of me! This is what she is capable of! Are most people capable of this as well? It is a very depressing thought. Iím just so jaded. Iím definitely not the same person as I was when I first came to Yahoo.

I wouldnít be so upset at Funnychick and the others if I knew they were trolling. I never shed any tears over uobeseloads, for instance. But Funnychick seemed so REAL. I knew and observed her enough to have no reason to doubt that. Thereís always a chance sheís fake, of course. I wouldnít know unless I saw her in person. I still will never understand what she had against me. As I said, she didnít swear and I did not know she smoked pot when I first met her, so I had said nothing to provoke her.

And I realize that pointing out how a woman uses crude language is not going to endear me to her. That is the only thing I did that might in the least be considered ďtrollingĒ. I knew I was ďasking for itĒ in a sense, and I suppose it was sort of a way for me to blow off steam, telling these women things I would be too chicken to say in real life. But more often than not, my comments showed what these women were capable of. It showed their true colors.

And all you jerkface guys who made fun of me for the bj thing, you are NOT WORTH IT. I truly do hope the next bj you get, she bites it off! And you women who made fun of me for that, you should be ashamed of yourself! That is very hurtful!

And I am going to continue taking my dolls for car rides. I might even take a cue from Sammy and carry one into the store with me. In fact, just to show all you bullies, I think Iíll get a specially-made stroller and push all 15 of my Magic Attic dolls around! 

Will I ever be back to the boards? I donít know. The way I feel now, I canít see it happening for a long time. Some of you I may be able to forgive, but it would take a lot of groveling at my feet. And sending doll money. But I still feel like if I saw certain names Iíd turn into a rabid dog, foaming at the mouth and spewing forth profanity and making more hate-filled posts. I have a lot of anger and bitterness inside me, which Iím trying very hard to resolve. Iím hoping writing this book has been cathartic.

If I do return, Iím going to continue talking to people the same way I did before about marijuana, lowcarb and the like. There is nothing wrong with trying to help people realize they shouldnít smoke pot, for instance, as long as I do not call them names or say they are bad peopleówhich I have tried very hard not to do. Actually, part of me feels that if so many think I am a judgmental shrew, I may as well just be one. I should go steal the crown from one of the Tough Chicksówhoever is reigning Queen of the Bitchesóand tear into people with wild abandon, starting posts about how ďYOU LOSER POTHEADS ARE ALL GOING TO HELL!Ē But I donít think I could do that. Itís not how I feel.

Iím sorry if so many people misunderstand me, but when I see someone nonchalantly blurt out that they smoke pot, Iím going to go into mother-mode and try to talk to them. Itís not a matter of being judgmental or thinking I am better than anyone else. I have said a million times that I do not think Iím better than anyone; that we are all good and all Godís children. But I see things on my screen and I canít help but react. I have every right to express my opinion. In turn, everyone else has a right to express their opinion as well. Thatís what the boards are all about. Iím just sorry I become so affected by it all. I grew to care about people, trying so hard to be nice, and I just ďlost it.Ē I thought I was stronger than that, but they broke me.


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