|CHAPTER 30: MOCKING AND MAYHEM
Nine days. That’s all I lasted in February: nine days.
February 1: I was on a board with the regulars, just having fun and making innocent little posts, when I saw a thread entitled, “Anybody witness Cindybin’s rant yesterday?” I found out that Cluckie started it (since I had him on ignore I didn’t see the original post he made). But people were replying to it and talking about how hilarious it was. Somebody said, “I never laughed so hard!” Here I had been all upset and on the verge of tears, and they were LAUGHING. Even Christi_in_Tampa said it was funny. I caught her talking about it to Pepperguy. I told Christi that I did not appreciate what she said at all, that it was not funny to me and I had been really upset. “You have no idea what I have been through with that Funnychick woman,” I said. And it was true, she didn’t. Nobody really did. No matter how much I tried explain in short, heartfelt bursts on the boards, nobody was there over the past year when she ripped into me for my weight loss story, or told me I wear a kick-me sign on my back for joining the church I did, or told me how I looked “totally drained” in my pictures, or laughed at what I said on the lowcarb site, or made fun of my sex life. All they saw was the few times she came to the current stories, where she was all nice and sweet and charming and came off as the “normal” one and where I appeared a raving lunatic. Christi did reply to me, though, saying she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Pepperguy was also nice. I left that board, but not before I saw Funnychick and a few of her gang trying to turn Christi against me. She told them that I was nice and had said some very sweet things. But they kept posting to each other. I couldn’t bring myself to read any more, and left the board.
Later that day on one of the top news stories, I stumbled upon a post by Silver to some woman named Jessica who had served in Iraq:
“Thank you, Jessica, for your service to our nation and the people of Iraq,” she said. “If you don’t have a complaint that Woodruff is being treated at Reed, then neither should anyone else. Your post reminds us that this war is about people—ours who serve and protect and the Iraqi people who have been oppressed and terrorized for decades by a tyrant and now terrorists who hate personal freedoms. May God bless you and speed your recovery along.”
Jessica replied to her, saying “God bless you, too.” Silver responded: “He does daily J Thank you!”
I just about puked. Just reading this I am shaking. I thought of how mean Silver had been to me, how she almost caused me to have a breakdown when we first met, all the terrible, terrible things she said to me, calling me a troll, saying she didn’t think I was real when I busted a gut to try and get through to her, to try and be as sincere as possible to let her know I was a real person and that my feelings were genuine. I had cried so much over her. I knew she was real, I told her many times I was sure she was a very nice woman and that if we met in person we’d like each other, and I couldn’t understand why she was so mean to me on the boards, why she misunderstood everything I said. She was older than me, a GRANDMOTHER. She had posted a picture of herself with her two little granddaughters and she looked so nice and decent and normal. If I saw her on the street, if we met at a party or something, she would be NICE. I know it! Yet look at all the things she said to me, which made me feel absolutely terrible! I just couldn’t stand it! I hated her! These two posts were so “nice”, I was sure her husband thought she was the greatest woman on earth and loved her very much. I was sure her children and grandchildren just loved her. This Jessica person thought she was wonderful as well. Little did Jessica know all the mean things Silver had said to me, how I had tried so hard to be nice to her and she called me a troll. I hated her! I hated her! And Silver truly believed that God blessed her! I knew it! Silver was happy with herself and her life. She had no idea, didn’t even know or care about all the things she had said that caused my tears to flow. She was just living her life, happy with herself, not even thinking about me.
I saw that the post she had written was from about an hour or so ago, so I was sure she was no longer there. But I sent an email to Silver with a link to that last post, and said, “If God blesses you daily, why have you been such a BITCH to me?” I don’t know if she received it. I never heard from her. But I meant every word of what I said. I hated her.
That evening, I saw Facts on a main board being all nice to everyone, I went nuts just seeing her name, and told her how much I hated her for calling me a frigid, selfish, lazy prude and all the other terrible things she had said. She was nasty in reply.
February 2: I signed on and had just started reading one of the stories on the main page, looking for the regulars so I could maybe join in and make some innocent little posts. It was a story about a computer virus due to attack the next day. Cassiodorus1960 had started a thread, “New Virus in Cindybin’s Brain.” The message read, “It causes hysteria and emotional meltdown, and is funny as hell.” Then I saw Dana’s reply. “YOU BITCH!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!” I was so hurt she would mock me, and told her so. She said that she was “just poking a bit of fun” and how “it’s just a bit peculiar to me how upset you get over trolls on these boards.” I said, “Well I don’t appreciate it. I was really upset.” But she didn’t care. It was hilarious to her, and to the others. As for Cassiodorus, I remembered how I had always been nice to him, laughing at his jokes. And this is what he does to me. I was just a joke to him.
That evening I posted on a health story about junk food. No incidents.
February 3: I again tried to put everything behind me, and was just posting on a fun story with some of the regulars, when Troll-to-Troll struck up a conversation with me about dolls. I answered his questions about Magic Attic, we chatted about his old GI Joe’s, eBay, etc. When he started asking about doll underwear and thongs, I knew it was time to sign off. I had planned on trying to finish my email to Pixie to try and patch things up, but checked just one more story and saw that “Sugarpuss” was on. This person was flirting with some guy who said she seemed like such a great girl. Well, I remembered from past conversations that Sugarpuss used all kinds of filthy language and sexual descriptions. I had given Sugarpuss a chance when I had first seen this name several months ago, agreeing with their post and being as nice as could be. I never even said anything about the skimpy bikini picture. But from the way this person soon attacked me out of the blue, saying such obscene things, I figured it had to be a guy. I was trying to look out for the young man who seemed so interested in this person, and warned him that there was a good chance it was a guy and that they used horrible, horrible language.
Then I saw that Pixie had posted a response to something I said. I was leery of reading her posts because I didn’t want to get upset; I had just wanted to write my email to her and try to regain our friendship. But this one post of hers had received numerous recs, so I made an exception. I can’t remember her exact words, but she said something about how I needed to “get over myself”, and that my “judgmental attitude is getting old”.
“I don’t think you are real,” she said. Why oh why did I read that post? I just couldn’t believe it. I made several replies, trying to explain that I really did believe Sugarpuss was not real, otherwise I wouldn’t have said what I did. I wouldn’t just pick on someone for no reason! “You don’t know about all the episodes I have had with Sugarpuss,” I tried to explain. And it was true; she was not there, so she shouldn’t judge me. Pixie then said that she didn’t judge me and that I was judgmental, that when she tried to stick up for a friend I said I’d never speak to her again. Well, I never said that I wouldn’t speak to her again. I also tried to explain why I said what I did to Fairie, that I was mad because she put me on ignore, and that I had always tried to tell Fairie she was a good person. “This is all a misunderstanding!” I said. I reminded Pixie of all the emails we had sent, of what she said when she saw my video. I was trying to get her to remember how well she knew me, that I really was real. I waited a bit but didn’t see any more replies from Pixie, and so I left the board. I was just in a daze. I didn’t know if what I’d said did any good or not. I HOPED it did. I cared so much about Pixie, had enjoyed our friendship, and this was killing me.
February 4: Saturday morning, the day before Superbowl Sunday, I was on some story, I was in a decent mood, still trying to keep it together after all that had happened. I said hi to a young woman named annhaj who I had been friendly with before, and posted a few nice things. I read some posts by Ladysteelersince1976 telling of how excited she was about the Superbowl. I think I saw that she had two daughters; she mentioned something about getting shirts for them, I believe.
I saw Pixie chatting with some other person, but I did not read her posts, I was afraid to. I was still planning to send the email to her when I finished it. I just wanted to make sure I was saying the right things, so that I wouldn’t offend her. Then Lacy_White_Underwear came on and started a topic, “Cindy called me a bitch!” She wasn’t upset, she was the type to think it was funny and only did this to taunt me, to try and make me look bad. I again told her how upset I was that she had laughed hysterically over Funnychick’s mean post, that I had always tried to be nice to her, treated her like a daughter, I had congratulated her when she had her baby, had told her how much I admired her for doing volunteer work, had nicely tried to talk to her about how she shouldn’t smoke pot or raise her daughter to think this is okay, and this is what she does to me.
I then saw that Pixie had replied to the “b-word” thread. After my pleading posts with her the day before, I thought maybe there was a chance she had decided to make up and that she was saying something in my defense. So I took a chance and read it. She wrote something like, “That’s terrible! You should be ashamed of yourself! What a thing to do!” We both knew these were the same type of things I said to pot-smokers. At first I sort of laughed, but then I thought, “It sounds like she’s mocking me!” I couldn’t be sure, but I didn’t know what else she was doing. These kinds of posts just didn’t seem like Pixie. She knew I talked to pot-smokers because I was in mother-mode, speaking out of love. I used phrases like, “What a thing to do!” in order to keep the focus on the BEHAVIOR, not the person. I never wanted to hurt someone’s feelings. So was she mocking me or not? I just didn’t know. So I didn’t say anything.
Lacy and I talked a bit about the marijuana issue. Ladysteeler then said, “Cindy, do you know how many people in your everyday life smoke pot?” She was telling me that it’s no big deal, and that she was tired of me “sticking my nose into everybody’s business.” She also used the a-word. She seemed like she knew me, but I didn’t recognize the name. I asked her what I may have known her by, but if she replied, I didn’t see it. In any case, I figured she must have made that ID recently in honor of the Superbowl. But I couldn’t believe she said what she did. She was a mother! Why would she put me down for my normal views on pot? How was she raising her children?
Another young woman came on who was a mother and smoked pot; I had had run-ins with her before. Now I had her, Lacy, and Ladysteeler putting me down, calling me judgmental and acting like I was a lunatic. I kept remembering how nice I had always tried to be to Lacy, especially. I busted a gut to be kind and loving toward her, treating her like a daughter, and she ridiculed me, called me uptight and laughed at me. And now I felt not even Pixie was on my side. Why should I bother to be nice anymore? So I posted something about how Lacy and this other young mother were criminals. Which they were! They were breaking the law and lighting up illegal marijuana joints, smoking them, and getting “stoned”.
The next thing I knew, Ladysteeler spoke her mind. “You’re an uptight, busy body goody two shoes,” she said. “I have a Mormon friend and she is NOTHING like you, so that can’t be it. It must be a sexual frustration problem. You’ll have to work that out with your husband.”
I went ballistic. Absolutely ballistic. I am not a violent person; I rarely raise my voice and I never throw things. But after reading that, I slammed my hand down on the desk, and dug my nails into my skin. I was going nuts. I must have replied to her post 20 times, all in caps, using the B-word over and over, telling her I hated her.
“YOU BITCH!!!! YOU ARE A MOTHER!!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU CALL ME AN UPTIGHT, BUSY BODY GOODY TWO SHOES JUST BECAUSE I TRY TO HELP A YOUNG MOTHER REALISE SHE SHOULDN’T SMOKE POT???? YOU ASK YOUR MORMON FRIEND IF SHE WOULDN’T DO THE SAME THING!!!!! I BET IF SHE CAME ACROSS A YOUNG WOMAN LIKE LACY, THE MOTHER OF A LITTLE BABY GIRL, SHE WOULD BE CONCERNED, TOO!!!!! I SPENT MONTHS TALKING TO LACY, BEING AS NICE AS COULD BE, TRYING TO GIVE HER MOTHERLY ADVICE!!!!! I AM NOT AN UPTIGHT, BUSY BODY GOODY TWO SHOES!!!! MY VIEWS ON DRUGS ARE JUST NORMAL!!!! ALL I SAY IS THAT MOST PARENTS TRY TO KEEP THEIR KIDS OFF DRUGS AND OUT OF TROUBLE WITH THE LAW, AND EVEN IF POT WERE LEGAL, THEY STILL WOULDN’T WANT THEIR KIDS TO EVER USE IT!!!! YOU ARE A MOTHER!!!! YOU BITCH, YOU ARE A MOTHER!!!! YOU SHOULD BE AGREEING WITH ME, NOT PUTTING ME DOWN!!!!! WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU SETTING??? IS THIS HOW YOU’RE RAISING YOUR DAUGHTERS?????? HOW CAN YOU MAKE FUN OF ME!!!!! I HATE YOU, YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!”
This is just an example of the type of things I said to her, over and over. I didn’t read anything else after this one post of hers, I was too afraid to. I was in such a state that if anyone said one bad thing to me, I don’t know what I would have done. All I could do was reply to her until I got it out of my system. I typed until I could type no longer. I guess the only saving grace was that I didn’t use the f-word.
February 4: Good ol’ Grandpa Munster, Al Lewis died, so I posted on a story and reminisced with others about him and old shows. I was a fan of The Munsters and The Addams Family, so it was an entertaining board. I read the profile of a woman named Judyrae and saw that she collected Barbies, so I asked her about it. She told me that she started this hobby about six years ago after her son was murdered, adding that it was a “good destresser” and helped her deal with her son’s death. She told me about her doll room, how they are displayed, etc. It was refreshing to have a nice chat with a woman like this. (I don’t know what her views on marijuana, lowcarb or bj’s are, and I didn’t dare ask.)
I don’t have any documentation for the next few days, so I’m just guessing when the following things happened. I do know that I found out Cool_Slapshot smoked pot. I thought, “Oh no, please, not Cool_Slapshot!” He had always been so nice to me, supporting me and giving me advice. He was a married man somewhere near my age. How could he do this? I tried to talk to him as nicely as I could. I considered him a friend and tried to go easy on him, really making an effort to show him I was doing this because I cared. I told him my view on drugs (which I thought he knew but apparently not) and asked him why he smoked pot. He said something about how it helps him relax. I asked if he didn’t have any hobbies, mentioning some of mine and how it takes your mind off things. He replied about how collecting dolls just wasn’t going to do it for him. I laughed and said I didn’t expect him to collect dolls, but that anything was better than smoking pot! Then he stopped replying to me, and I saw him telling others that “Cindybin is too judgmental”. I was just heartbroken. Yet another good guy had turned on me. And there was that “judgmental” word again. I just hated that! I have said a million times before that I am not the one doing the judging, that is the COURT’S job! Who would he (or anyone) rather stand up in front of: Judge Ratchet who would treat him like dirt and where he would be just a number in the courtroom, or little Cindybin who asks him about his hobbies and tells him that he is too GOOD to be smoking pot?
I also went back to the pub story at the Oddly Enough section a few more times, and was finally run off. They had their own group of tough chicks and bullies. I did run into Alabaster DePlume on a current story and we chatted about his son’s science project. It was good to see him.
I still posted with the regulars, Jehovah made a fake ID called “Luvmymagicatticdolls” and posed as a doll collector. I played along a bit. It was also probably one of these days that a troll taunted me with the bj thing. I can’t remember who it was, some guy with multiple ID’s, too cowardly to face me. I must have been feeling strong that day, because I actually stood up to him. I told him I have no problem with oral sex. “No problem whatsoever, got it?” I said that what I object to is people making fun of a woman for not having it in her to perform a full-fledged bj to “completion”, that this is an awful lot to ask of a woman, that I’m sure many, many women would never even put their mouth on a penis and that I would NEVER make fun of them and try to make them feel like crap the way so many Yahoo people have done to me! “Guys like you are NOT WORTH IT!” I yelled. “THE NEXT BJ YOU GET, I HOPE SHE BITES IT OFF!” My post actually got a few recs.
However, February 9, after a confrontation with Pixie, was the day I realized I couldn’t take anymore of the boards.