|CHAPTER 29: REVENGE OF THE FUNNYCHICK
The day I had the run-in with Cluckie, I had earlier visited an Oddly Enough board I posted on every so often. It was an old story about patrons saving an English pub, which had a bunch of “regulars” all their own keeping it alive. I’d just pop my head in every so often, pretending like I was checking in on them at the pub to make sure things didn’t get too unruly. There were a few nice guys, Alabaster Deplume and a couple others, who had usually been friendly to me. That day I was having a discussion with one of the women there, Warrior Femme, because she was using LMFAO. We were civil to each other, and I was making some fun posts with some of the others about various topics. Out of the blue, TickyTack showed up. Against my better judgment I read her post, and of course it was full of insults, especially over the bj thing. She started out with how many women use swear words, including herself, and then proceeded to list all the swear words she used. “And my boyfriend still loves me very much,” she said.
“I’m sure your boyfriend does love you,” I responded. “But that is not the type of guy I would be interested in.” Didn’t she see my point? What kind of guy would like a woman who casually cusses up a storm? I also told her how hurt I was at the things she and others had said to me, especially about the bj issue. I didn’t attack her or cuss or blow up, I just calmly said what I wanted to say, and told her I was leaving the board now that she was there. I did check back later and saw that some others, including Robert and Internet Fake Tree, had infiltrated the board. They probably recruited Warrier Femme into their gang. Except for these rare instances, I had managed to avoid Robert and the Tough Chicks for the most part. Sometimes I posted in the old health section, but I saw they had taken over one of the boards there, some story about vaginal surgery, so I avoided it. I did keep in touch occasionally with Scruffydog from Alaska, who had contacted me after I left the bully boards in August.
January 28 I was on a board with “Smorque”, a mother of young daughters, and who I had talked to several time before over the past year or so. Smorque jumped into a conversation about bj’s that I’m sure one of my enemies must have started. She said she does this, described how she came about doing it, and said that she even talks about it with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law. “We can talk about ANYTHING!” she said. She also used both the t-word and the a-word, and could not understand why I would mention that this could be construed as unladylike and offensive. “T*ts and *ss aren’t crude words!” she said. To my amazement, a woman I had seen around a few times before jumped in and told Smorque, “Yes they are.” This woman then posted something to me about “trailer trash” (which I would not call anyone) but at least she was on my side. She later emailed me and we became acquainted. This was one of the few bright spots in January.
On January 31, I was on a health story about birth defects when who should show up but Funnychick. I read her post to some woman who had taken care of a child with Down’s Syndrome. Funnychick sounded sooooo nice--sickeningly sweet and just so happy with her life. This is what she said to the woman:
“I think the word ‘burden’ is being demonized here. I mean, when I hurt my knee last week, I was a burden to my husband. I put more work on him than usual and he took up the slack. Now, he did so lovingly and perfectly and he’d DO it FOR me a million times over. When he hurt his leg skiing a few years ago, he was a burden tome. But I was happy to do it again, would do it a million times over because I love him. Burden means “a source of great worry or stress” and although there are rewards for having the sweet children, it is a bigger burden than having a healthy child. We’re not blaming the child, but you can’t just gloss it all over. It is a bigger job and a bigger heartache and physically and emotionally, more work. As an aside, thank you for taking care of those in need. They are surely blessed and I’m sure you are too.”
I was absolutely sickened from reading that post. How could she sound so nice and mature and caring, and yet say and do all the things she did to me? How???? I fired off a post to let her have a piece of my mind. Unfortunately, my caps lock key was stuck again:
“YOU BITCH!” I yelled. “YOU DID EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO HURT AND HUMILIATE ME!!! YOU AND YOUR TOUGH CHICK BULLY FRIENDS EVEN THREATENED TO CONTACT THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER AND TELL THEM ABOUT MY POSTS WHERE I BLEW UP AT YOU, JUST TO HURT AND EMBARRASS ME!!! YOU DON’T CARE THAT I ONLY BLEW UP AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS OF ABUSE AND PROVOACATION!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!! YOU SOUND SO NICE AND SWEET TO EVERYONE ELSE, AND LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT YOU WOULD TELL A PERSON LIKE ME ALL THE CRAP YOU HAVE SAID. YOU MADE FUN OF ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! YOU PUT ME DOWN FOR MY RELIGION, MY DOLL COLLECTING, MY SEX LIFE, THE WAY I EAT, EVERYTHING!!!! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE UNIVERSE!!!! IT WOULDN’T BE SO BAD IF YOU WERE SOME IMMATURE TEENAGER, BUT YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN, A MARRIED WOMAN AND MOTHER OF THREE!!!! AND YET YOU SAID THE MEANEST, MEANEST THINGS IN THE WORLD TO ME, AND LAUGHED WHEN I GOT UPSET AND CRIED!!!! YOU BITCH!!!!!!!”
Cool_slapshot, a guy I had known for months, told me to chill out and ignore her. “You are only upsetting yourself,” he said. “You can’t change a bad seed. Just find some good, decent people you have things in common with and you’ll enjoy your days a lot more.”
I appreciated his advice and support, and said that I agreed with him. “It’s just that I see her name and go berserk,” I told him. “Oh you have no idea the things that woman has said and done to me. And I did nothing, NOTHING to provoke her! Yet she started in on my weight loss story and took it from there. I could write 100 pages on her!!! She is part of the Tough Chick gang on an old story I used to post on—I don’t go there anymore because they drove me INSANE—I tried so hard with those women. I really did. I grew to love and care about them, and all they did was abuse me. I rarely see them on these current stories, thank goodness. But oh, she just makes me so mad! She sounds so nice and sweet here and nobody would ever guess she is capable of the things she said and did to me!!!”
A guy named Lukin_ledbettr also came to my support, saying that Funnychick probably said the things she did “because she knows she drives you nuts and will get a reaction.”
“I know what you mean,” I replied. “But if she is so nice and sweet to others, as she was on this and other boards, why would it be such a thrill for her to drive somebody nuts? How can someone BE like that??? And this is the same woman who says she and her family sits around the kitchen table, and after their prayers they take turns telling each other something good about each other. Yet she said the meanest, rudest things to me. I just don’t understand it. It was like a big game to her! For a long time I really had my doubts as to whether she was a real woman or not, but I talked to her and the other Tough Chicks on the bully boards (some older stories) to really get to know them, and the sad thing is I believe they are who they say the are…all grown women with families, and good jobs. Yet they are so MEAN!!! Also, that Funnychick woman thinks there is nothing wrong with smoking pot! She freely admits to having a bag of pot out in her garage.”
Lukin said, “Remember all the mean, stupid girls in high school? Well, they grew up and had kids. It’s no surprise. And you’re right about how they ACT all nice and sweet. Because they can’t show their true face, only to you, it seems.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied. “It’s just so infuriating. As I said, I could write 100 pages on all the stuff she said and did to me. Oh well. Thanks for your support, though—I appreciate it.”
I saw several posts by Funnychick later on that board, but I did not read them. However, that same day I was on another board and saw her once again being all nice and sweet to everyone. I posted something to her about how much I hated her for all the stuff she did to me over the past year, how she made fun of my weight loss story, my religion, my sex life, my pictures, my doll collecting, just everything! I wanted everyone to know how mean she was. I had planned to just post that and not read any of her responses, because I didn’t want to get upset.
Then I saw Lacy White Underwear laugh hysterically at something in response to a post by Funnychick. Against my better judgment, I read what Funnychick said to generate this response, and she had told me that she didn’t have a problem with me collecting dolls, it was that I said I took my dolls for car rides she was making fun of. Lacy read this and wrote, “HAHAHAHEHEHEHEHAHAHHARHARHAHAHA”. She just thought this was hysterical, that Cindybin takes her dollies for car rides. I blew up at Lacy, telling her that this is what I get for being nice to her all those months. “YOU BITCH!” I yelled. I reminded her of how I had always complimented her on what a good person she was, how she did volunteer work, how I congratulated her on her baby daughter and respected her wishes for not sending out pictures, etc. I knew we had disagreements over the marijuana issue, but I always told her I tried to treat her like a daughter, and was doing this out of love and concern. And this is how she treats me, taking Funnychick’s side and laughing up a storm over some misconstrued piece of information that bully woman spreads. Lacy was a Tough Chick just like the others, I said. I ranted on and on, in all caps, about how doll collecting is a very fun, popular and wholesome hobby, and there is nothing wrong with taking one in the car if I’m going for a long ride or something, how it gives me a chance to sit and hold her and admire her, and it’s very relaxing and comforting, etc. I was in such a state, I don’t remember much of what happened on that board, but I do know that other people were laughing and making fun of me. I finally had to leave.
On yet another board later that same day, a woman named Fairne18, an optometrist I had spoken with before about her crude language and how she said some band was “good sex music”, blasted me for my hobbies. Someone had asked her about me, and she told them that I was “just a troll.” She told the guy I had “picked a fight with her” because she said AC/DC was sexy rock and roll music, and that I had said she was “perverted”.
“She needs a life. A grown woman does not take up playing with dolls and decorating cakes. Geez!”
I was FURIOUS when I read that! First of all, I did NOT call her “perverted”! All I said was that I couldn’t believe she made that comment about some band being “good sex music.” What a thing to say. It was too personal and just plain inappropriate. And as for her making fun of my hobbies, AAAARGGGHHHH!!! How can this grown woman with a professional job make fun of a person for collecting dolls and decorating cakes??? What was WRONG with her??? What if she found out one of her customers or patients collected dolls or decorated cakes? What would she say to them? Would she ridicule them like she did me? Has she never eaten a decorated cake? Who does she think decorates them, the frosting fairy??? I let her have it, said all kinds of things to defend myself. She made a nasty reply using the f-word and called me judgmental and a hypocrite.
“Just fucking get over it, already, won’t you?” she said. “It’s my right to have sex with AC/DC or Aerosmith on if I want to. Its rock and roll and damn erotic! If you want to collect dolls, bake cakes and be squeaky clean, fine. That’s your right. Just stop trolling around here and pissing people off! You are subject to be judged just like you judge others! You post your personal life here, then be prepared to get what you hear!”
Talk about posting your personal life—SHE is the one who blurted out on the World Wide Web that she likes to have sex to AC/DC! I didn’t care if she only liked to have sex to (or with) the Philharmonic Orchestra, she just didn’t have to tell us all about it! What gets me is I had seen many posts by her where she was all nice and sweet. Yet this woman, an optometrist, would make fun of someone for collecting dolls and decorating cakes, calling her “squeaky clean”, as if that is a bad thing. You hear that, all you doll collectors and cake decorators out there? Fairne18. If you see her, let her have it.
My journal entry for that night reads: “Had run-ins on Yahoo boards. I hate those people.” Thus was the end of January 2006. February just HAD to get better. Didn’t it?