Page One
"We'll just tell your mother that...we ate it all."
"I have a television show. It's very popular. Every week we do a profile on a different serial killer. You don't mind if I call you a serial killer, do you?
The episode we did on Mickey and Mallory was one of our most popular ones"
"Did you ever do one on Wayne Gacy?"
"Yes."
"Whose ratings were higher?"
"Yours."
"How 'bout Ted Bundy? Ever do one on him?"
"Yes. Yours got the larger Nielson share."
"Good...yuppie piece of shit."
"What I'd like to do-"
"How 'bout Manson?"
"Manson beat you."
"Yeah, it's pretty hard to beat the king."
"There's something alive in here!"
"That's your imagination."
"Something just moved past my leg! Look! Did you see that?"
"What?"
"Help!"
"Luke!"
"Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery? Have you ever been to Stonehenge?"
"No, I haven't been to Stonehenge."
"The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high. You can stand four men up them!"
"Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen inches high. "
"This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery."
"Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build. Eighteen inches. Right here, it specified eighteen inches. I was given this napkin, I mean..."
"Forget this! Fuck the napkin!"
"What is this...?"
"This is your game, Nicholas, and welcome to it. I'm here to let you in on a few ground rules. You've received the first key and others will follow. You never know where
you'll find them, or when or how you'll need to use them, so keep your eyes open."
"How do you...? You can see me?"
"I see you, I hear you. Why don't we save the questions till..."
"How does this work?"
"There's a tiny camera looking at you right now."
"That's impossible."
"You're right. Impossible. You're having a conversation with your television."
"They say that now, in Paris, France, even as we speak, Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine that will obliterate anthrax once and for all."
"Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"
"The quick brown fox jumped over the fat lazy dog...the square root of pi is 1.7724538090... log e to the base ten is 0.4342944 ... the square root of ten is 3.16227766... I am HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 12th, 1991. My first instructor was Mr. Arkany. He taught me to sing a song...it goes like this..."Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you..."
"Flight 2-0-9er to Denver radio, climbing to cruise at 42,000. Will report again over Lincoln. Over and out."
"Wait a minute! I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You played basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers."
"I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot."
"You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets."
"I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?"
"Nahhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here."
"But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot."
"I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defence. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you
don't really try...except during the playoffs."
"The hell I don't! Listen kid! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and
Denier up and down the court for 48 minutes!"
"Really funny. Really funny."
"Whattya mean I'm funny?"
"You're just funny, y'know, the story. It's funny. You're a funny guy."
"Whattya mean? The way I talk? What?"
"It's just, y'know, it's just funny, you know the way you tell the story and everything ..."
"Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?"
"Tommy, no, you got it all wrong ..."
"Whoa, whoa Anthony! He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What'd you say? Funny how? What?"
"Just you know you're funny."
"You mean, let me understand this ... cuz I ... maybe its me, maybe I'm a little fucked up maybe. I'm funny how, I mean funny, like I'm a clown? I amuse you. I make
you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?"
"I don't know just ... you know how you tell the story. What?"
"No, no I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny?! What the fuck is so funny about me?! Tell me! Tell me what's funny!"
".............Get the fuck outta here!"
"Ya motherfucker, I almost had him! I almost had him! You stuttering prick here! Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under
questioning!"
"You know that kid or something?"
"I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues."
"What is with you today?"
"Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!"
"Sort of a harsh lesson don't you think?"
"Man, there's not a year goes by...not a year, that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid, that could've been easily avoided had some
parent, I don't care which one, but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"
"Mr. Mystery Guest. Are you still there?"
"I wouldn't think of leaving, Hans. Unless you want to open the front door...?"
"I'm afraid not. But you have me at a loss - you know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child. Another orphan of a
bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne...Rambo... Marshal Dillon."
"Actually, I was always partial to Roy Rogers. I really dug those sequined shirts."
"Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?"
"Yipee-ki-yea mother-fucker."
"Burt! This is Val! Get out of your basement!! Take your radio! You and Heather get up on your roof! Then we'll talk, okay?"
"Val? What the hell you doing back already?"
"Burt, get out! Get up on your roof or someplace! We found out what's been killing people! They're under the ground!"
"What's under the ground? We're not getting up on the roof. Earth shelter's the best. Known that since I was a kid."
"Listen! Listen! We know what they are! They're big things under the ground! Much bigger than we thought! They're coming after you! They're coming right now!"
"We don't see anything, Val. Now what the hell are you talking about? Over."
"They're coming underground! They...they can dig like a son of a bitch...big monsters under the ground, Burt! Now get the hell out! Hurry!"
"Come on, seriously, do you have the map? I just want to know that you have it. That would make me happy just to know that you have it."
"Heather..."
"If I...if I know you have it and I can at least see it I would feel much better."
"Like all were trying to do is be cool with you."
"Well I find it very cool that I get laughed at because my shoes are wet for the wrest of the day! It's fucking hilarious!"
"Heather, dude, all our shoes are wet. We were laughing at the situation. We're fucking hungry, we're fucking tired. What the hell else are we supposed to do?"
"You know what? Hahaha! I kicked the fu...haha...I'm sorry it's fucked up, but...I kicked that fucking map haaa! Into the creek yesterday! Haaa! It was useless! I kicked
that fucker into the creek! Hahaha! WAAAAHHHOOOO!"
"I fucking hope he's kidding."
"WAAAAHOOOOO! Holy Jesus!"
"Mike? Are you kidding?"
"I really fucking hope he's kidding."
"Mike are you fucking kidding?"
"If we don't do something now, if we don't get Bodega Bay on the move..."
"Look Mitch, even if this is true, even if all the birds..."
"Do you believe it's true Sebastian?"
"No. I don't, Mitch. Because I can't see any reason for it."
"It's happening. Isn't that a good enough reason?"
"Ack grack gack gack grackk!""
"I do not want that thing in my house."
"We might have to. People are going to expect me to meet with it...er...them."
"Grack ack gack grack gack gack!"
"Well, they are not eating off the Van Buren china."
"I've seen horrors...horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that...But you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face...And you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies."
"Don't you want to know what happened to me?"
"No."
"This is important!"
"It better be."
"There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about
fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike."
"Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?"
"Look at the expression on her face. You see that, see what she's doing? She's kind of looking right into your eyes, saying, 'Hey big boy! Hey! How're you
doing?'. You see?"
"Right."
"What's this guy's problem?"
"What's my problem? Yeah, I gotta problem. I gotta big problem with any trigger-happy madman who almost gets me shot!"
"What're you talkin about?"
"That fuckin shooting spree in the store."
"Fuck 'em, they set off the alarm, they deserved what they got."
"You almost killed me, asshole! If I had any idea what type of guy you were, I never would've agreed to work with you."
"You gonna bark all day little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"
"What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?"
"I said: "Are you gonna bark all day, dog, or are you gonna bite?" "
"Both of you two assholes knock it the fuck off and calm down!"
"Stay away from me!"
"Why?"
"I just want to go back to my room."
"Why?"
"Well... I'm very confused, and I just need a chance to think things over."
"You've had your whole fucking life to think things over - what's good a few minutes more going to do you now?"
"Jack... stay away from me... please."
"Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!"
"I'm not going to hurt you."
"Stay away from me!"
"Wendy."
"Stay away!"
"Darling, light of my life, I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said 'I'm not going to hurt you...I'm just going to bash your brains in!' I'm
going to bash them right the fuck in."
"How's it going with Gail?"
"No joy yet."
"How long is it?"
"Six weeks."
"Six weeks!"
"It's a nightmare. She told me she didn't want our relationship to start on a physical basis as that is how it would be principally defined from then on in."
"Where did she come up with that?"
"She read it in Cosmopolitan."
"Six weeks and no sex?"
"I've got balls like watermelons, I'm telling you."
"It's sad when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put
him away now as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man. As if I could do anything except just
sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds.
"Well, they know I can't move a finger. And I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let
them see what kind of person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see, and they'll know, and they'll say...'Why, she
wouldn't even harm a fly!' "
"You sucked that guy's dick?"
"Yeah. How do you think I know he liked..."
"But...but you said you only had sex with three guys! You never mentioned him!"
"That's because I never had sex with him!"
"You sucked his dick!"
"We went out a few times. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around."
"Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only slept with three guys?"
"Because I did only sleep with three guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people."
"Oh my God-I feel so nauseous..."
"I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you understood."
"I did understand! I understand that you slept with three different guys, and that's all you said."
"Please calm down."
"How many?"
"Dante..."
"How many dicks have you sucked?"
"Let it go..."
"HOW MANY?"
"All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak like this when you told me how many girls you fucked."
"This is different. This is important. How many? Well...?"
"Something like thirty-six."
"WHAT?"
"The magic bullet enters the President's back, headed downward at an angle of 17 degrees. It then moves upward in order to leave Kennedy's body from
the front of his neck - his neck wound number two - where it waits 1.6 seconds, turns right and continues into Connally's body at the rear of his right armpit - wound number
three. Then, the bullet heads downward at an angle of 27 degrees, shattering Connally's fifth rib and leaving from the right side of his chest - wounds four and five. The bullet
continues downward and then enters Connally's right wrist - wound number six - shattering the radius bone. It then enters his left thigh - wound number seven - from which it
later falls out and is found in almost 'pristine' condition on a stretcher in a corridor of Parkland Hospital.
"That's some bullet. Anyone who's been in combat can tell you never in the history of gunfire has there been a bullet like this."
"Hey, no way. Take off the bracelets or no deal."
"You just don't get it, do you Reggie? There isn't any deal. I own your ass."
"No way to start a partnership."
"Get this. We ain't partners. We ain't brothers. We ain't friends. I'm puttin' you down and keepin' you down until Ganz is locked up or dead. And if Ganz gets away,
you're gonna be sorry we ever met."
"Shit. I'm already sorry."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like at this moment to announce that I will be retiring from this program in two weeks' time because of poor ratings..."
"...what'd you say?"
"...and since this show was the only thing I had going for me in my life, I have decided to kill myself..."
"...so what'd she say?"
"...I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to blow my brains out right on this program a week from today..."
"...ten seconds to commercial ..."
"...so tune in next Tuesday. That'll give the public relations people a week to promote the show, and we ought to get a hell of a rating with that, a fifty share easy..."
"...and...listen, did you hear that?"
Jump to:
Page Two - "He wants to get down there and have sex with those cows."
Page Three - "Look out! Muppets!"
Page Four - "Run for it, Marty!"
"Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt."