December 2005
This essay discusses eHarmony, whether or not Christians should use dating services, and other topics
I joined the relationship (or dating) site eHarmony around November 2005, mostly out of curiousity. I was a member for about a month, and I've allowed my membership to end. I do not plan on re-newing.
However, if I am not mistaken, my account will still remain in their data base.
The only thing that changes is that should I receive a "match" and should that match send me a communication, I will not be permitted to read it. One has to be a paying member to send or receive communications.
I think the folks at eHarmony should reconsider changing their name to eGreed.
On the up side, due to its high membership fee, eHarmony seems to be (or to at least feel like), a more trustworthy organization. It seems to weed out more of the undesirables and the rift raft.
The eHarmony site doesn't feel as "smarmy" or desperate as some of the other online dating sites I've visited.
I still believe, though, that eHarmony charges way too much for their service. If I recall correctly, one month's membership is around $40 or so. Compare that to more "secular" dating sites, which charge about half that.
I was horrified to see in some article somewhere that the Equally Yoked group charges anywhere from $500 to $1400 per year for their services or membership. I'd rather depend on God to send me my Mr. Right, thank you.
And God will not charge me so much as a penny for it.
I don't care how miserably lonely you are, please don't throw away scads of money on dating and relationship sites.
After dabbling in this online dating business for about a month or two, I've decided to stay away from it.
Putting cost factor aside, I have too much pride (that is, a healthy level of pride, I'm not talking about an un-biblical arrogance, here) and too much self-respect for it - and so should you!
Of course, I was not surprised to see the owner of eHarmony, Neil Clark Warren, saying in an interview ("Surf Here Often") on the Christianity Today site that he is against the idea that God sends a believer her spouse.
Here's an excerpt from that article:
Warren hopes eHarmony will bring a revolution in the way believers approach spouse selection. "In the church, we think that if we just pray to God, he'll bring the right person to us," he says. "We don't even try to understand the principles that govern the selection."People pursued courtship and marriage differently in the first century, Warren explains, and the Bible provides few specific guidelines. What the Bible does provide, he says, is an admonition to use our God-created brains in the pursuit of a marriage relationship.
My response to the above? UGH!
I am a firm believer that if you have faith in God to send you the right person - and you pray and ask Him to do so - that He will do so. I'm sorry, but I don't need a degree in clinical psychology to figure out if a man is right for me or not.
I think God honors simple, child-like faith. How many times in the Bible are we encouraged, after all, to have such simple faith in God for things we need and want?
And Mr. Warren thinks I have to rely on an expensive, psychologically based and tested personality profile instead of, or in addition to, faith in God to provide? I don't think so, bub.
I'm sure God will send me someone suitable for me (just as He will for you).
I think God takes into account each individual's unique personality, situation, culture, and time period, so I don't have to be concerned with how people a hundred or five thousand years ago met their spouses.
Again I say, and contrary to Mr. Warren, I think God will direct you to the person (or guide them to you) who is suitable for you.
Of course Mr. Warren, who gets $40 a pop per person per month for membership to his relationship site (eHarmony) probably wouldn't care for that view, when there's so much profit to be made. UGH! again.
Articles by this Warren guy or other eHarmony employees are also sometimes featured at the Crosswalk Singles section (you'll also see eHarmony advertisements plastered all over Crosswalk, as well as other locations on the web, and I'm sure you've seen their t.v. commercials on cable).
Futhermore, articles (or at least side bars) by Warren sometimes appear in issues of Guidepost magazine, which also makes me think he or his company is more concerned for profit than in helping people find Mr. or Ms. Right.
I understand that all businesses need to advertise, but then it hit me: eHarmony is a business. They probably are more concerned with turning a profit than in the well-being of your heart.
They may be more honest and less "smarmy" and less "oily" than other dating services, but they remain a business none-the-less.
I suppose the good people at eHarmony would try to justify their huge price by pointing out that they make each member fill out a lengthy personality quiz type thing, and this is supposed to ensure that you meet only quality people who are a great match for you.
As a college graduate who took some psychology courses in college and made "A's" in them, I can tell you that their personality test was not that impressive, not to me.
The eHarmony personality test felt like one of the personality quizzes you might take in a Cosmo magazine or in a Reader's Digest.
I'm not saying it's totally inaccurate or terrible, but I don't think it justified the additional $20 per month (that is, for a total of about $40 per month) membership fee.
Other than the curiousity factor, I'm not sure why I joined eHarmony. I also joined one other dating site, but removed my account after about a week.
I'm not comfortable with online dating sites, nor would I ever use an "in person" dating service.
I don't think that dating sites and services are necessarily "sinful" or "un-Christian," but I have a very strong feeling that God does not want Christians to use such methods.
I can't say that is true of or for all Christians, though.
If you are considering using a dating service or site, pray strongly about it first.
If you believe God is giving you the "go ahead" to use such a service, or you're not getting the feeling that it's wrong for you personally to do so, then go right ahead.
As for me, I believe the continued use of eHarmony and similiar sites would be a sign of a lack of faith.
I believe that reliance on an online dating site is sort of seeking to wrest control from God. I say, leave God in charge of when and how you meet your Significant Other - and I seriously don't think it will be through the web.
Again, though, if you personally feel led by God to join such a site, or God isn't screaming at you in the back of your mind, "No, I do not approve," then by all means, do so.
I think use of such services is a sign of impatience on the part of the believer.
I think many people who sign up for such services believe that after clicking their mouse a few times that their in-box will be flooded not too soon after with many matches.
As for my particular experiences with eHarmony, I can tell you that I was not, or am not, satisfied.
The matches are slow to come, for one thing. I got about two matches per every seven days.
Some matches do not even bother to contact you.
I believe it's up to the man to contact the woman, it's up to the man to ask the female out, to express interest.
If there's one thing I've learned from reading relationship advice books, it's that the man likes to pursue and most are turned off by females who do the initiating.
So if you're interested in me big boy, you have to make the first move.
Another small let down with eHarmony...
I am five foot seven inches tall and was disappointed to see that most of my matches were also 5' 7".
I don't expect every man out there to be 6' 4" tall, but it would be nice if more of my matches were at least a few inches taller than I am.
(In case you're wondering, no, I wouldn't turn down a man simply for being the "wrong" height.
I do look at personality, intelligence, and other factors. My ex fiancé, "Doug," was only an inch or two taller than me.
I didn't dump him on the spot once I saw he was only an inch or two taller than I am. "Doug's" financial ineptness, various broken promises, and other factors, caused me to dump him, if you must know.)
One individual at eHarmony closed our match very early because, he said, we lived "too far apart," but both our profiles had us listed as being in the same city and same state.
Maybe he was illiterate, stupid, or had a terrible sense of geography, I don't know. I just thought that was the weirdest thing.
Sometimes, I would log in to eHarmony to check out my matches after being notified via e-mail that I had a new match, only to see that the matches, the indivduals, had already "closed" the match - without ever having written to me or corresponded with me in any way what-so-ever.
Anytime you close a match on eHarmony's site, you are permitted to select a reason why, from a list of pre-written responses.
Sometimes, some of the gentlemen who turned me down said they did so because they were "pursuing other relationships," and this after only having been on eHarmony's site for a day or two. Mind boggling.
This leads me to believe that these individuals may not have been aware that once you "close" a match on eHarmony's site that you cannot re-open it.
In other words, I believe that these men thought they were doing the "right thing" - the honorable thing - by closing communication with me, since they were most likely communicating with another female at eHarmony at the same time.
They probably assumed that if the relationship with the other female did not "pan out," they would be able to contact me to see if I am more of a fit for them.
That's not how it works at eHarmony, however.
Once you close a match at eHarmony, that's it, it's over, it's done. The person who was turned down is permitted to send one last, farewell message to the person who turned them down, but that's all.
I sometimes wonder how many of the guys who ended things with me later realized their mistake, smacked their foreheads, and wished that they had not prematurely "closed" our match.
One turn off for me at eHarmony (or any dating site) is the men who will not read all of my profile, which is called "Introductory Information" on the eHarmony site.
I could tell from some of my match's responses that they had not bothered to read all of my profile, which makes me wonder how serious these guys are about entering into a relationship.
For example, in my profile, I quite plainly state towards the bottom of it - in the "More things I'd like my matches to know about me" section - that I have a personality disorder called S.A.D. (Social Anxiety Disorder), and I even at one point gave an URL to a site which explains what S.A.D. is.
Now, despite this, one of the first gentlemen to contact me (who claimed to be a pastor, no less), once we got to the open "Q and A" portion of contact, claimed that he had never heard of Social Anxiety Disorder.
That tells me he either did not bother to read my profile, he did not read all of it, or he did not read it carefully.
I don't know about you, but when I receive a "potential match" at the eHarmony site, I make sure to pour over and read every scrap of information a match fills out on his profile.
I am absolutely dumb-founded and amazed that Christian men do not show much care and consideration when viewing profiles of their female matches. Amazing.
And I think it shows a total lack of consideration and respect, which means I will probably not reply to any future communications from that person.
I have contemplated adding the following information under the "More things I want my matches to know about me" section, just to see if anyone is paying attention: "I'm a psychopathic ax murderer who kicks granny ladies for fun. In my spare time, I enjoy robbing banks!"
In another instance, one gentleman at eHarmony - let's say his name was "Andy" - had a few quirks I didn't care for.
I was told that this person was a match, and he and I swapped a few exchanges. Andy was 40 or 41 years old.
First of all, out of the four photos of himself that he included in his profile, two of them looked so different from the other two, that I wondered if it was even the same person in all four.
In the first two photos, he was much thinner, wearing glasses, and was probably in his 20s or maybe early 30s. In the bottom two photos, he was a lot heavier, wasn't wearing glasses, and looked to be in his mid or late 50s, not 40 as his profile said.
Initially, this guy was pretty good about quick replies.
After the first or second stage, however, "Andy" waited two weeks to reply to me, which was a put-off.
I suspect what happened is that he was probably pursuing another female at eHarmony during that time, and once it didn't work out, he decided to give me a go. I was probably second choice.
Whatever the case, it got me bent out of shape.
Considering you pay $40 a month membership at eHarmony, time is of the essence.
I understand that people get busy with their jobs and what all, but you shouldn't wait two weeks to get back with a match at that site.
What else rubbed me the wrong way about Andy, or what else did I find strange?
In his "must have" list, he stated that he wanted someone who "cares about her appearance," but under his "can't stand" heading, he said he didn't want someone who was "Vain, someone who cares about her appearance."
If you can wrap your head around that contradiction, let me know.
Perhaps he's one of those shallow jerks who wants a super model looking girlfriend but who does not want her to have the huge ego of a super model. Your guess is as good as mine.
"Andy" chose for his "Can't Stand" list the option that reads he didn't want to be with a "depressed" person, which I felt was very offensive.
I've dealt with depression since I was a kid (I've had to take anti-depressant medications at times), but I'm otherwise a mentally healthy, okay person.
Hard for me to believe a guy would toss away a perfectly good Christian woman because she has depression.
"Andy's" choice of "depression" on his "can't stand" list was one of the biggest reasons I ended the match, but not the only reason, as you'll see next...
One other big, red flag that caused me to close my match with "Andy" had to do with his "Must Have" list.
Elsewhere in his profile or on his list (I don't recall exactly where), "Andy" stated that he believes sex outside of marriage is wrong, which is of course, fine.
I would expect and want a self professing Christian to feel that way. ("Andy," by the way, claimed in his profile to be a Christian.)
No where on his profile did he say that he's divorced, so I'm assuming he's never been married, although I don't know for sure.
Now, when you fill out your "Must Have" list at eHarmony, you are given about, I don't know, 40 or so different criteria you can select from. Out of those 30 or 40 criteria, you must select only TEN items to put on your list.
Further, the "Must Have" questionairre is broken down in five or more categories. If memory serves, one such category was "personality," for instance.
One other category was "sexuality."
As I was filling out my "Must Have" list, and when I spotted the "sexuality" section, I snorted, thinking to myself, "No self respecting, serious, dedicated single Christian will even bother to use that section of the questionairre."
You can see where this is going, don't you? Do I even need to finish?
Yes sir, "Andy" actually used one of the items from the "sex" section on his "Must Have" list.
He chose the statement that read something like, "Must have a partner who is sexually experienced and willing to express herself freely."
When I was done puking all over my keyboard, and certainly when I saw he listed "depression" as a "Can't Stand" on his list, I closed out of that match as fast as my mouse could click.
I don't know how "Andy" reconciles "sex being outside of marriage is immoral" with wanting a partner who "has previous sexual experience."
I'm also concerned that a so-called Christian male would put anything regarding sex on his profile, lists, or any communications with me.
As a Christian female, I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I was by that.
Some of you may think I should applaud the guy for his honesty - sorry, no, I remain disgusted.
I think it showed a lack of good sense and class on "Andy's" part, and the dude is 40 years old (and I'm in my early 30s! He should've known better.)
I don't care if it's one of your top three secret, deeply held desires to marry a woman who will be a tiger in the bedroom, that is NOT something you reveal to a Christian woman, especially in such an early stage of a dating profile!
Hello, get a clue!
It sends the wrong signal to a Christian lady such as myself and will cause me to end the match.
The only comments regarding sex I want to see from a Christian man on a dating site are as follows:
1. sex outside of marriage is wrong and2. you do not use / or approve of pornography
You should keep any and all other thoughts, preferences, and whatever else about sex off your profile or during the "match" process at eHarmony. I would've thought that a Christian man would've known better, but I guess not.
Just because eHarmony offers a list of pre-made "sex" related comments/preferences on their "Must Have" section does not mean you need to use any of them (unless it's the line about sex outside of marriage being wrong).
I would assume the real reason eHarmony even offers a "sex" section on their "Must Have" questionairre is for any Non-Christians who become members.
I would fully expect Non-Christians to be obsessed with sex and have low sexual standards.
This "Andy" guy will probably find himself single for quite some time - and he'll wonder why, I bet. In a way, it's rather sad.
I can't imagine a True Blue Christian woman being happy with his sex-related questionairre choices and some of his other choices.
My brief experiences with online dating services had me depressed at first.
After muddling through countless photos of men who I do not regard as the least bit physically attractive, and wading through strange or troubling / questionable comments and selections by some men (see the "Andy" section above), the thoughts that first went through my mind were, "there's nobody out there for me, I'm going to die alone."
I'd advise you, if you are already feeling lonely and hopeless, to stay away from online dating sites.
Rather than giving you hope, you'll simply come across lots of people who don't fit you and your personality and dreams. You'll most likely feel worse, and not better, once joining or even skimming over a dating site.
The strange thing is that in the end scheme of things, the depression caused by the dating site experience, turned into hope.
My experience only re-confirmed my belief that God is in charge of the whole process of finding and getting a mate, and I felt that God was sending me that message quietly, in the back of my mind.
Maybe that's why I joined some of those sites to start with.
I was puzzled with myself as to why I bothered to join. Perhaps it was God's urging, so that He could show me not to rely or count on dating sites, or not to count on myself and my own abilities too much.
If you're a Christian and you've never tried a dating site, trust me when I say you're not missing anything.
For further reading (by Christians):
Ten Points To Ponder About Online Dating
Should A Christian Use A Dating Service To Find A Spouse?
Surf Here Often? - also contains critiques of the eHarmony site
(by or from Secular Sources):
Online Dating Site (eHarmony) Rejects Would Be Suitor - page 1 of 2 page article