�She wrote me a letter and mailed it to me. It didn�t arrive until after. . . . after she was already gone,� he said. I stared at the envelop that he was still holding out to me. He went on to say, �It�s all in there, she told me she was pregnant and that she had an abortion because. . . . because she didn�t want him to have to live without me and. . . . she couldn�t bare doing it alone.�
�An abortion?� I whispered as I took the letter from him. He turned away. I could tell he was trying to cover up his emotions in front of me. I felt another twinge of guilt at the way I had been treating him. �I. . . . I didn�t even know. . . . . I didn�t know she was pregnant. She never said anything,� I said looking at the crumpled worn envelope in my hand. I looked at my mother�s handwriting, daintily printed in black ink across the envelop, �Jimmy�.
�I don�t think she intended anyone to know. She didn�t even tell Madeline.�
�You said, �him�. How do you know it was going to be a boy?� I asked dazedly.
�I didn�t. . . . well not for sure. In the letter Eden says that she liked to think it would have been a boy. She always wanted a little girl and a little boy. I�ve just grown accustomed to referring to. . . it. . . him. . . that way,� he said quietly. I started to pace away from him. It was all too much. I had to get away.
�Alexis,� he called after me. �Alexis wait, where are you going?�
I stopped. Where was I going? I couldn�t face Nick like that. I was a second away from a serious breakdown. I felt his hand on my shoulder. He turned me towards him.
�I wish you�d never told me this,� I said holding the tears that threatened to fall in check.
�I wish I didn�t have this to tell you, Alexis. You had every right to know the truth, though,� he said pushing the stray hairs out of my face. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I hadn�t been comforted by this man in over thirteen years and my emotions were very conflicting right then. Part of me wanted to launch myself into his arms and part of me wanted to shove him away. I went with what I knew.
�Look. . . . I have to go,� I said clearing my throat and taking a step away from him. He dropped his hand and looked away.
�I can give you a ride. I left the car out by the gates,� he offered still not looking at me.
�I don�t know. I think I�ll be fine catching a cab. Thanks anyway though. . . . for the offer,� I replied. I could tell he was going to insist so I said, �I�m going to need some time. . . . to myself to sort this all out. Anyway, Nick is probably wondering where I am and what�s taking me so long. I should get back to him.�
�Ok. . . . I can accept that. I know that this is all a lot to take in but. . . . I mean everything that I have said to you, every word is the truth, Bug.�
�Please don�t call me that,� I told him.
�Why not? I used to call you that all the time. Remember? Shutter bug?� When I was little I loved to be photographed. I was a real ham. At the time my father was really getting into photography, it was a hobby he really enjoyed. He had a dark room where he would develop his pictures or so he told me. He�d always come by with pictures he�d taken of his favorite subjects, my mom and me. He started calling me �Shutterbug� which was eventually shortened to �Bug�. It was his special name for me. He was the only one allowed to call me that.
�I think the operative words there are �used to�. You lost the privilege to call me that awhile ago. I realize that by you telling me the unadulterated truth about what happened to my mother you think a connection has been reestablished between us. I also realize that by you telling me everything it may have made some memories resurface and opened some old wounds and while what you just told me was devastating. . . . I�m still not ready to accept you into my life,� I told him. The last part sounded so harsh, even to me. I felt like I should soften it a little. �Look�. I�ll give you a call. Until then�.. I need my space so I can�.. put all of this into perspective.�
He was quiet and still not looking at me for a while. He just stared beyond me. He gave himself a mental shake before letting his eyes rest on mine.
�I understand,� he said. I turned to leave. �Wait, you don�t have my number.� He produced his card and a pen from the inside pocket of his jacket. On the back of his card he scribbled a number and handed it to me saying, �On the front is my office number and cell phone, I wrote my home phone number on the back. Call me, anytime.�
�Ok. Thanks,� I said shoving the card into my back pocket. �Bye,� I muttered. I turned to leave, again. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to get away from the entire situation. I didn�t want to talk about it or anything to do with the conversation I had just had with my father. Why now? I thought. Why now? I have a great job, a great boyfriend, and great friends. Why does my family have to go all soap opera on me?
I turned and watched my father as he reverently laid the white roses he bought on my mother�s headstone. Any other person, in any other place, at any other time it would have been a heartwarming sight but for me it only caused more anger. I couldn�t help thinking, You�re the one that put her there.
Since I told Nick I was going to run a few errands I had to do just that. I figured I�d stop by the drugstore, dry cleaners and maybe buy some fresh flowers for my table. Having done all of that, I hailed a cab and headed back to my loft.
�I�m back!� I exclaimed as I entered my loft. I dropped my dry cleaning in a chair in the living room. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Nick, with his head in the fridge. �I said, I�m back!�
�Hey baby, took you long enough,� he replied with a grin.
�Well ya know. . . . New York traffic. So, how has my place been treating you?�
�Your place was fine, it was your phone that was a bitch.�
�My phone? What do you mean?�
�Since you�ve been gone, your phone has been ringing off the hook.�
�Who called?� I asked as I set my flowers and drugstore bag down.
�Maddy, Joshua and your grandparents. Joshua and Maddy called twice. Your father called once, too.�
�Well obviously the word is out. I guess we can�t hide anymore. We can ignore people, now! That�s always fun,� I said sarcastically. What did my father want? I just talked to him. How did he get my number, I thought.
�Come here.� I went to him immediately with a smile playing on my lips.
�Yes?�
�Nothing in particular, you looked like you could use a hug. That and I just felt like touching you.�
�Really?� I asked. I took his hands and placed them on my hips. I smiled up at him. �Feel better?�
�Much,� he said before claiming my lips with his own. As always, his lips did funny things to me. I�m pretty sure that mine were doing some interesting things to him as well.
�Someone�s feelin� frisky,� I said against his lips. He smirked.
�Just sayin�, �Hello�,� he replied.
�Hhhmmm. . . . . well someone else is sayin� �Hello!� to me too,� I said looking down at his crotch.
�Hhhmm. . . . well he likes you very much. So he has to say, �Hello!�. He�s just being polite,� Nick explained matter-of-factly.
�Oh is that right?�
�Yeah.�
�You�re a trip,� I said kissing him softly on the lips. He wrapped strong hands around my waist, picked me up and sat me on the counter. We made out a little longer before I had to stop him. I pulled away reluctantly. �Ok. . . . we need to stop.�
�Why?�
�Because I don�t want to spend the rest of the evening in bed.�
�Why not? We haven�t done that yet. It could be fun.,� he said poking me playfully.
�I�m sure it would be a lot of fun but, I have things to do around here. Not to mention all the phone calls I�m going to have to return. I know if I don�t call my grandmother back she�ll definitely call me back. How did she sound? Angry?� I said. Nick sighed and stood up straight.
�They sounded. . . . shocked.�
�They sounded shocked? What do you mean �they�?�
�Well when I answered the phone they were both on the line. I think-� he started but I cut him off.
�They double teamed me. . . . well they tried to and got you instead,� I gasped.
�Double teamed?� he asked.
�It�s what they�d do when I�d go MIA. It�s usually a clear sign that my grandmother was angry. Now, I know I�m in for it,� I said with a slight laugh.
�You don�t sound all that worried about it.�
�I�m not. I find it hilarious. What did they say to you exactly?�
�Well I answered the phone with, �Hello, Alexis� phone, Nick speaking.�. Then your grandfather says, �Right number, wrong person. Who is this?�. I was about to answer him when your grandmother goes �Who is this? We are Alexis� grandparents. . . I�m her grandmother. Where is she? I wish to speak with her, right now.� I told her that you had stepped out to run some errands and that you would be back soon. Then your grandfather asked, �And who are you?��
�Oooo what did you say? You didn�t tell them that you were my boyfriend did you?�
�Well. . . . why? Was I not supposed to?�
�I don�t want them to learn about us like that. . . . especially if they�re already upset. It�ll only piss them off more especially my grandmother. She thinks I should tell her about my one night stands and then she berates me for even having them.�
�One night stands?� he asked putting emphasis on the plural.
�Oh please Mr. Popstar. I know I�m not the only one in this room that has had a one night stand. . . or two. Let�s be real here. You can�t tell me that in all the years that you�ve been famous, especially since you turned eighteen, you have never taken a little late night treat home or back to the hotel,� I said with a mischievous smirk. He just stared at me before saying,
�I didn�t tell your grandparents that I am your boyfriend. I told them I was your friend, Nick Carter.� He totally changed the subject, I thought. That�s alright, I�ll let you get away with it this time.
�Why didn�t you tell them?�
�You just said you didn�t want me to tell them.�
�Yeah but you didn�t know that till just now. I want to know what made you not tell them.�
�Well I didn�t think they should find out from me, someone they don�t know and over the phone.�
�I knew there was a reason I liked you,� I said with a smile. Then, �That all?�
�No. Plus they freaked me out. . . . a little. They totally caught me off guard and they were both kind of intimidating,� he replied.
�Thus the power of the double team. I�m sorry they scared you, sweetie,� I said leaning forward to softly kiss his lips.
�I didn�t say they scared me,� he corrected me.
�Ok. I�m going to have to go over there, sometime. I haven�t talked to either of them since before I got the job with you guys. Yeah, I know, the double teaming was warranted.�
�You wanna go see them tomorrow?�
�Oh no, I don�t have to see them that soon. I�ll call them tomorrow but, I�ll hold off on going over there,� I said. Then, �When I call them I�ll tell them about you and ask them not to scare you anymore.�
�They didn�t scare me.�
�You were scared by a couple of senior citizens,� I teased him.
�I was not,� he said.
�Come on, yes you were!� I laughed.
�No I wasn�t,� he said picking me up from the counter and tossing me over his shoulder.
�Put me down, Nick!� I exclaimed.
�Not until you admit that I wasn�t scared, Alexis!� he returned.
�But you were!�
�No I wasn�t!�
He started to carry me around like a sack of potatoes through the kitchen, into the dinning room and then ending up in the living room.
�Nick, put me down, right now.�
�Right now?�
�Yes!�
�You want me to put you down right now?�
�Didn�t I just say �yes�?� It was right then the d�j� vu of the situation hit me.
�Ok, here ya go,� he said as he dropped me on the sofa.
�I am so tired of you dropping me onto my furniture. That little joke is getting old. Just admit that my grandparents scared �Big Nick�.�
�You just-,� he started until the phone rang.
�I�ll get it,� I said hopping up from the sofa. I ran to where the phone hung on the wall. Before I answered it I turned to Nick and stuck out my tongue. The phone rang again, I answered it, �Hello?�
�I want you to make me understand how my best friend could come home after being away for like 3 months and not tell me. I had to find out from my mother of all people.�
�Hello Joshua,� I replied. I wanted to yell at him. How could he not tell me something so important? I thought he had never kept a secret from me. Now, I find that he kept something so important from me.
�Uuuummm, hello? You still there? You�re kinda quiet.�
�Yeah I�m here. Look, Joshua I don�t feel like talking, right now. Why don�t you call back, later,� I said.
�Since when have you not wanted to talk? I know you and the Boy aren�t doing much talking. Or is he keeping your jaw working another way?� he said with a little laugh.
�Goodbye, Joshua,� I said before hanging up. I took two steps away from the phone before it rang again. I knew it was him calling me back.
�What do you want?� I answered.
�Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the Backstreet Boy this morning. What�s wrong? I noticed you were in some kind of weird mood when you answered the phone with a very formal, �Hello Joshua.�. Did you and the Boy get into some sort of fight?�
�No and would you stop calling him �The Boy�. He has a name!�
�Whoa there darling, what in the hell has got into you? You never had a problem with me calling him that before. What�s going on? You only hang up on me when I�ve done something really wrong. Since I haven�t even talked to you since you were in LA I find it hard to believe that I did something.�
�I don�t want to talk about it and right now, I don�t want to talk to you. Goodbye Joshua,� I said hanging up. I looked up and Nick was standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
�You ok, baby?�
�Yeah I�m fine. Just fucking with Joshua, I�ll call him later and tell him. Who knows it might give us some time to be alone,� I replied. Lies come to easily to those lips, girl, I thought. I didn�t want to lie to Nick but I wasn�t ready to explain to him the secrets of my family, either. It was too early in our relationship to let him know that my family was fucking nuts.
