�You�re going to be fine. I don�t want you to let what I have told you to interfere with your life. Everything that happened was not about you. It was about adults acting like childish idiots.�
�I know that. Thank you, Maddy.�
�Now listen to this, don�t put up those walls, Alexis. Don�t push him away.�
�What do you mean?�
�You know what I mean.�
I wasn�t putting up any walls, so I had no clue what she was talking about. I was being as open with Nick as possible, at least I thought I was. Before I could say another word, she pulled me in for another hug and turned me towards Nick.
�We have to have dinner together sometime. Alexis call me before you leave and remember what I told you,� she said with her trademark smile. I was definitely going to remember what she told me. I had thought of nothing else since I left her.
When the cab pulled up in front of my apartment I suddenly didn�t feel like going inside. I felt there was something else I had to do. Someone else I had to visit.
�Look sweetie, I need to run a few errands ya know, buy some tampons, pick up my dry cleaning and stuff like that. Why don�t you go on inside and I�ll be right back.�
�Why don�t I just go with you?�
�Yeah that�s just what I need. You and me in the feminine hygiene aisle and one of your fans approaches us. I don�t need the world of Backstreet to know what brand of tampons I use. That�ll be the perfect end to a very odd day. I�ll be fine and I�ll be right back. I might even bring you back a little surprise.�
�Ok but hurry back,� he said kissing my lips.
�Here, take my key. I�ll be back before you know it,� I said returning the kiss. He climbed out of the cab and waved at me as I pulled off. I waved back then, reached into my handbag and turned my cell phone off. I didn�t want to be interrupted. Even if it did ring I doubt I�d answer it.
�Where to next?� the cab driver asked. I gave him the address.
�That�s not the address to any store that I�ve been to,� he said.
�Yeah I know that. Why don�t you just take me there and let me worry about lying to my boyfriend,� I said. He nodded at me in the rearview mirror as we pulled into traffic. I needed some time alone with my thoughts. I knew only one place where I would be guaranteed that.
The cab pulled to a stop in front of a set of large iron gates.
�You can just drop me off here. I don�t need you to drive me inside, thanks,� I said. I paid him and climbed out of the cab. I stood at the entrance of the Brooklyn Cemetery and took a few calming breaths before going inside. Even though I hadn�t been there in sometime I knew the way to my mother�s grave like the back of my hand. I stopped at the headstone that read, �Eden Grace Blair; Beloved daughter, mother, friend�
�I know. . . I haven�t been here in a while . You�re probably mad and I�m sorry. I would have bought flowers but, this wasn�t exactly a planned visit,� I started. I paused wondering what I should say next. What kind of answer was I expecting to receive from a headstone?
�I don�t understand all the secrets and the lies. I talked to Maddy and. . . . she told me everything. She told me about you and my father�s relationship. She told me about his wife. She even told me about your being my aunt and why that was such a secret. I can only assume you wanted to protect me or shield me from everything. Part of me is grateful for that and part of me wishes you hadn�t done that. I just. . . . I just wish that you had told me all of this. I just wish you. . . .,� I stopped and thought, God, I�m talking to a headstone. I must be crazy.
�I know. . . . you�re not going to answer me. I wish I could just ask you a question. I just want to ask you. . . . one question,� I said sinking to my knees. I brushed some of the grime and dirt off of my mother's headstone.
�Why. . . . why�d you do it, Momma?� I whispered. I hadn�t cried for any reason since the funeral. All the pent up emotions were rushing to the surface right then. There were just too many to choose from. Anger, disappointment, regret, guilt, complete sadness, grief they had all been buried long ago.
�You could try asking me.�
I whirled around and faced my father for the second time that day. He was holding a bouquet of white roses, my mother�s favorite. I grabbed the only emotion I knew when it came to him, hot, bitter anger.
�Wow, this must be my lucky day! Twice in one day! It�s a wonder you found the place,� I said getting to my feet.
�Alexis, listen to me. I had no idea you would be here. I just came by to pay my respects.�
�Long overdue respects,� I muttered.
�Not true, I�ve been here before,� he said.
�Did you ask your wife�s permission or did she allow you to visit here as well? No, I bet you snuck out while she was getting treatment or something.�
�I see you talked to Madeline. Would you at least hear me out?�
�No, I have to go. Nick doesn�t know I�m here. I don�t want him to worry.�
�Alexis please listen to me,� he pleaded. I wanted to turn and run but a voice in my head said, �You loved him once, just listen to him.� �I never stopped loving you or your mother. When she told me she was pregnant. . . . I was terrified. I was terrified for her, for me and especially for you. It wasn�t supposed to happen that way. We were supposed to be married and together. When you were born. . . . that was one of the happiest and yet the saddest day of my life. You were so small and so beautiful. . . . you opened your eyes and looked me right in the eye. From that moment I knew I would love you forever and beyond. I knew I would lie down and die for you. I also knew that I�d never have the relationship with you that I wanted. So I ran away. I couldn�t deal with it.�
�You made a very good show of the relationship you thought we�d never have for close to eight years.�
�I know that. I was always afraid that it would end. I was worried that Susan would find out and it would all be over. Do you remember what I said to you the day I left?�
�Vaguely,� I replied turning away.
�I�ll refresh it for you. I said, �No matter what, I will always love you. If you ever needed me I would be there for you.�
�Oh yeah, now I know how I forgot that. It turned out to be a load of shit. You weren�t there! Where were you when she broke her ankle? Where were you when we were broke? Where were you when she committed suicide? That�s right, you weren�t there! So don�t you dare come here and remind me of some promise you made and didn�t keep.�
�I did and will always love you, Alexis, your mother too.�
�Not to be clich� but, what does love got to do with it? Your love for me didn�t go very far. Your love for me extended about as far as my mother�s thighs!� I knew that was a horrible thing to say but I was too angry to stop it from leaving my mouth. He walked up to me and whirled me to face him. I half expected him to smack me. He looked like he wanted to. He stared at me angrily before he spoke.
�You don�t know anything! When Susan told me to never see you or your mother, again; I was shattered. I couldn�t imagine never seeing either of you ever again. She threatened to take everything away! Not just from me either. She threatened Eden. . . . and you! I knew she could do it, too! With her connections she was capable of almost anything!�
�Anything? What, is she in the mob or something?�
�I was trying to protect you. . . . I was trying to protect both of you! I didn�t want to see you hurt.�
�Good job of protecting us considering, one of us is currently six feet deep!�
�I loved you both so much. . . . it physically hurt me to leave.�
�I guess. . . . . now, you�re expecting me to understand everything that you went through and to totally forgive you then fall happily into your embrace as I call you �Daddy�,� I said calmly. Then, �I�m sorry but I can�t do that. The way I see it is that you made a choice. You chose the family you made with a woman you don�t even love over us, the people you supposedly love so much.�
�It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. My intentions were-,� he started but I cut him off.
�The right thing to do? Yeah and I�m going to build my life on your intentions!� Then I took a breath, �Whatever your reasons, you always had a choice. You could have left her before any of this happened. I�m sure had you abandoned her, she would have given you the divorce you wanted. I don�t want to talk about all that anymore. . . that�s not why I decided to stay and listen to you. You said you knew why she. . . . did it. I want to know why and I want to know how you knew.�
He looked me in the eye and took a steadying breath. I saw a hint of anguish in his eyes and felt a small pang of guilt. A small voice said, �He lost the love of his life, you shouldn�t be so hard on him.� Another voice said, �He bought this on himself. Besides you lost your mother.� I shoved it away and focused on my anger.
�About six months before she. . . . killed herself, we saw each other again. She was a maid at the Plaza and I was a guest. I was staying there a couple nights a week to get away from Susan. Anyway, I saw Eden coming out of the room next to mine and we both froze. I asked how were things to break the tension. She replied with a snide remark and then we got into an argument.�
�So, she�s argued with you before. I don�t see how this has anything to with her suicide,� I said impatiently crossing my arms.
�This was a serious argument. I honestly thought we were going to come to blows. I remember, at one point, I grabbed her by her arms to restrain her from trying to slap me or something. The next thing I know, I�m kissing her. We ended up making love that night,� he said dazedly. It was like he was reliving the moment.
�What does that have to do with anything? What are you saying?�
�She. . . . she got pregnant.�
�What?!� I gasped shocked. I took a step back and stumbled until I landed on the headstone. I jumped up as if I was burned. �How. . . how do you know that?�
