The only interruptions we endured were from a few fans that recognized him. Most of them were really sweet, too. There were a few that were a little less than pleased to see me out and about with �the Nick Carter�. I didn�t care though. I was having too good a time. I decided the best course of action was to smile and be polite. I even took some of the pictures and signed a few autographs, for those that wanted them.
It was at the end of the third day that the outside world began to intrude. Nick and I returned to my loft from having dinner. I picked up my mail on the way in, since it had been sitting in the box all day. I carried it with me into the dinning room and was leafing through it when Nick asked,
�Anything for me?�
�Yeah right, cause you totally live here.�
�I have for the past few days,� he said with a little laugh.
�Well maybe if you pay some bills around here we can see about getting your mail sent here,� I said waving a bill at him. He laughed before going into the kitchen and looking through the fridge.
�Hey, I�m going outside to smoke a-,� he started coming into the dinning room.
�Cancer stick,� I replied finishing his sentence as I continued separating the bills from the junk.
�A cigarette,� he corrected kissing me on the cheek before heading towards the door.
�Yeah, you better get all your kissing in now, I won�t be kissing you later,� I replied flipping through my new issue of Cosmo. He stopped and turned back to me.
�You know you can�t get enough of these,� he said poking out his lips at me. I laughed.
�I can if they taste like an old ashtray,� I said pausing on an envelope.
�Be right back, baby,� he said kissing me again.
My name and address were written very formally in very dainty and obviously feminine print on the front of the envelope. I flipped the letter over and the return address made me stop. I flipped the letter over again to make sure it was actually made out to me. The envelope was addressed to: Ms. Alexis Blair. The return address, which was also handwritten in the same handwriting, was from a: Mrs. Susan Gibson � Reynolds. I didn�t know what to do or how to react. Why in the world would she be writing to me? I thought. Then, I remembered that she had sent Maddy a letter of apology and regret. Would she even bother to send me the same thing? I must have stared at the envelope for a while because the next thing I knew Nick was talking to me.
�Earth to Alexis,� I heard Nick say from the door.
�Yeah? What�s up,� I said coming out of my thoughts.
�We still going out tonight?� he asked with the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.
�Yeah just let me find something short and sweet and we�re good to go,� I replied.
Once he left to smoke, I went up to my room taking the mail with me. I went upstairs to pick out something to wear but also to open the letter from Susan. I dropped the mail, with the letter on top, on my bureau. It was in that moment I remembered I still hadn�t read my mother�s letter. It was buried in my sock drawer. I retrieved it from my drawer and sat it next to the letter from Susan.
After staring at them for a while, I decided to pick out my outfit for that night and then decided which one to read first. It was a little difficult to keep my mind on what I was doing. I felt like my mother and Susan were sitting on my bureau staring at me.
After a while and many moments where I just stared at nothing wondering what was in those letters I finally figured out what I was going to wear. I decided first on my �man stomping boots� as Joshua called them. They were black, velvet, knee high stiletto boots with an elaborate design embroidered down the sides. Next I decided to wear my black velvet jacket with it�s deep v-neck and neat row of five black pearl-like buttons down the front and my black and silver sequined mini skirt. I had to pick some of my prettiest underwear since I wouldn�t be wearing a top with the jacket. I ended up deciding on my laciest bra and matching thong. It was the middle of September and fall was looming in the air. It hadn�t got cold yet but the blazing days of summer were clearly over. The nights are definitely cooler, I thought looking over my outfit. This�ll work. . . . Nick can keep me warm.
Once my outfit was chosen, I thought I should pick out some accessories to go with it. A voice in my head said, You�re stalling. I knew I was. Part of me wanted nothing more than to read and know what was in those letters. The other part, the part that was still a devastated fifteen year old who just lost her mother was dreading the information those letters could hold.
Once my entire outfit from underwear to shoes, earrings to eye shadow was totally picked out I decided to face the letters. I started with Susan�s letter. I picked it up and ripped it open. I pulled out the two neatly folded sheets of paper and slowly unfolded them. The first thing I noticed was it was on personalized stationary. Across the top of the page in bold yet feminine type read, �From the desk of Susan C. Gibson-Reynolds�. The rest was handwritten and read as follows:
Dear Alexis Blair,
There is probably nothing I can say that will change the way my actions have affected your life. I want to apologize but that seems so trivial given what I did to you. You and I both know my apology will change nothing. I should explain my reasons for writing to you in the first place.
No one can argue that I have lived a very privileged life. A life I grew accustomed to, I began to expect the special treatment that money can buy. I expected it from everyone, from the doorman to the sales clerk at Bergdorff�s, from the cab driver to the man at the newsstand, even from my children and most of all from my husband. I expected them all to treat me special, like a goddess among mere mortals but, I hadn�t learned to return that special treatment.
When the people closest to me wouldn�t treat me the way I felt I deserved I struck back at them in anger. It didn�t matter if they were mother, father, friend, husband or child. That is why I wouldn�t let James see you or your mother anymore. She always held more power over him than I ever could. For that I hated her and a part of me hated you. I know that was my problem, I wanted power over James. I mistook that power for love. No matter how much I tried to force him, James didn�t and doesn�t love me. Not the way he loves your mother.
I should have given him the divorce he asked for years ago and saved everyone a lot of trauma and heartache. I didn�t allow him to divorce me out of pride, vindictiveness and because I thought I loved him. Now I know it wasn�t love, it was all a game for me. A game, I refused to lose but in the end no one really won.
When I first got sick, I realized how much of a mortal I really am. Coming face to face with my mortality made me stop and take stock of the life I have been leading. I realized that while I had material things, while I had power, and while I had a family, still I felt an overwhelming emptiness. Something in my life was missing. I had all these things but nothing to really show for it. I have no real friends. When I first got sick the people I called my friends visited me once and some of them not at all. My family barely speaks to one another. Even family functions are cold, distant and filled with polite conversation. My children love me in a �well you gave me life so I have to�� kind of way. My husband doesn�t love me at all, he tolerates me. I know it�s what I deserve.
So here I sit at the end of my life and I want to make what�s left of it a little better. I�d like to start with you, if you�d let me. I am completely returning your father to you and I am divorcing him. He�s totally free and I plan to split everything with him no strings attached. I just hope that the two of you make the most of the time you have left on this earth together. I hope to meet you one day as well. Please come and visit me anytime.
Sincerely,
Susan Gibson-Reynolds
I wasn�t exactly sure what to make of Susan�s letter. It all did seem like way too little, way too late. The sentiment was there but if I were close to death I�d want to make amends with people, too. So I wasn�t so sure I should take anything she wrote too much to heart. I folded the letter and slipped it back into it�s envelope. I slipped both letters back into my sock drawer.
Thoughts were racing through my mind over Susan�s letter. One stood out amongst the rest, She wants to meet me?! Why in the world would she want to meet me? Before I could explore that or any other thought I heard my cell phone ringing.
�What now?� I said to myself as I fished my phone out of my purse. I answered with a curt, �What?�
�Alexis? Is that you? This is your grandmother,� said the person on the other end. I wanted to say �D�oh!� like Homer Simpson. I was totally shocked, of all the people to call my cell phone that was really not who I was expecting.
�Grandma? How did you get this number?�
�Yes this is your grandmother. I�m surprised you remember the sound of my voice, I haven�t talked to you in quite sometime. And I certainly hope that�s not how you answer all of your phone calls, little girl. I know I did not raise you that way,� she said. I cringed, I hated when she called me �little girl�.
�It was a joke Grandma. I thought you were Joshua. How did you get this number?� I said.
�I called Joshua and he gave it to me. Now, he said this was your work number but I can�t see how you could possibly keep a job when you�re answering the phone like that.�
�Well it kinda is my work number but it�s a cell phone�.. my cell phone so, it�s not like you�re calling someone�s office,� I said thinking, Damn you Joshua. I knew this was payback for me hanging up on him. This was low though, even for him. He knew I didn�t give my grandmother my cell phone number because I would never get a moments rest from her.
�I�ve been trying to reach you Alexis. I�ve been hearing some disturbing things about you. . . . and the people you work with. We need to talk. You can�t just fall off the face of the earth whenever you want to. You have to let us know where you are sometimes. Do you understand me?�
�I�m a grown woman. I shouldn�t have to check in with you all the time.�
�That is not what I�m saying Alexis and you know that. I�m saying, I shouldn�t have to call all over New York City to find you. Now I want to see you. . . . . tomorrow.�
�What if I have something to do?�
�What could you possibly have to do that�s more important than seeing your grandparents?�
I really wanted to say, �Nick. I have to do my boyfriend.� Instead I said, �Uuuhh. . . . well. . . . I don�t know right off the top of my head but��
�Alexis Zoe Blair, I had a very long talk with Joshua and he told me that you would be in town for several days. I expect to see you tomorrow, little girl. I�m sure if you have something better to do than to see your elderly grandparents before you leave the country you can reschedule it. We may not be here when you get back and then where would you be?�
�But I-,� I started.
�I want to see you tomorrow�.. no excuses, little girl. No need to bring your. . . . friend either. We just want to see you. I can�t even believe that you thought to leave the country without seeing your grandfather and me.�
�My friend? What exactly do you mean by my friend?�
�The young man that answered your phone for you that day. The blonde, singer that I�ve heard so much about but not from my granddaughter. Oh no she can�t tell me things like that. I have to hear them from the neighbors or friends of her�s.�
�Ok I get it, I�ll leave him here.�
�I assume that means you�re coming, right?�
�Yes ma�am, I�ll be there,� I replied with a heavy sigh.
�Good. Well I�ll tell your grandfather. He�ll be so happy to see you. Call before you come. I�ll see you tomorrow, Alexis. Goodbye,� she said and then she hung up. Conversations with my grandmother always left me feeling dazed. I closed my phone and thought, Could this evening get any weirder?
I couldn�t help but replay the conversation over and over in my head. I kept hearing the way she said �your. . . friend� and couldn�t figure out just what she meant by that. I knew she meant something by it, though. I also couldn�t figure out how she had �heard so much about� Nick without it coming from me. I knew Joshua could be vengeful when he was angry with me but I couldn�t see him telling my grandmother details about my relationship with Nick, no matter how mad he may be with me.
I decided to get dressed and forget about the conversation because I was about to go out and have some fun with my Nick. I was intent upon not letting anything ruin my night. We had such a great couple of days and it looked like that was going to change starting the very next day. Right then, I wanted to enjoy the time I had left.
