Subject: VIRUS ALERT!!!
Subject: Amish Virus
You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don't use electricity we don't have any computers or programming experience, so this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation and.....may God bless you, you English heathens.
Your Friend Always

.....................Joeseph.......................

Dog fight

George and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one big dog fight.

They agreed that they would have five years to breed the best fighting dogs in the world and whose ever dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama and his dog handler Mohammed found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From the litters, they selected the biggest and strongest puppy and trained it day and night to fight to the death.

After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, George and his dog handler, Boudreaux, showed up with a nine foot long Dachshund. It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux said it was a Cajun Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for George and Boudreaux because they knew there was no way that this poor excuse for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean animal.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came out of its cage, wagged its tail, then waddled over towards Osama's dog.

The Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and leaped out of its cage, then charged the poor Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the snarling beast.

Osama came up to George and Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?"

"Da's easy", said Boudreaux, the Cajun. "We 'ad our bess plasic surgins workin' fo' five year for to make dat gator look like a weenie dog."
Donated by Jim Spicer

Top Ten reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex! _____________________________________

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.
8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn't considered kinky.
5. If you don't like what you get, you can just go next door.
4. It doesn't matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.
3. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

...and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."

I am truly stunned by the level of utter genius in faking stupidity that Joey seems to have a grand grasp on! If you are not a part of blackporkchop you should at the least hear the theme song! Joey is a big ole dork to be loved by some· ONLY!

´---X---´- mmm... uvula... -´---X---´
"Joey? Could you do me a favor and grab my box?" -Anonymous

Piggy Poem
Ohhhhh...
My mooses are hot, they're super hot!
That's what I got and I got alot
of hot hot really hot
big old mooses tied in a knot!!

Monkey Quote and Chakra
As the cotton rocket changes magically into a bloody mouse,
so too shall you be transformed by this... bla-a-a-ack porkcho-o-op.

´>:fl ----ew! ew! ew!

From: Monkey
Damn, this is just too funny not to post!

Feel like getting laid?
773-588-2300
Ask for The Duke, Lammy or Monkey.
´:]

A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkeyinstead. He figured that since he had it, heÊ might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the localpaper carried this headline:ÊÊ PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS. Ê

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:ÊÊ PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. Ê

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paperheadline read:ÊÊ BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS. Ê

Ê This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun inÊ aÊ nearby convent.Ê The paper headline the next day read:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. Ê

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00.Ê Next day the headline read:Ê NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.Ê Ê

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy backÊ the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Ê ÊThe Bishop was buried the next day.

"Jim"
Subject: OH NO!!!!!The evil number 11
If you read the email going around about the number "11" for the past few weeks, you will love David's response to it. I don't know who David is, but his response is hilarious!!! Make sure you read beyond the Original Letter!

Original Letter:The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11 I Have More....... State of New York - The 11th State added to the UnionNew York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 LettersThe Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at theWTC in 1993)Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

Dave's response:

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!"
I'm going intohiding NOW.
See you in a few weeks. Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!But no "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS." I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them. I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters init, too!
Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!!Nooooooooooo!!!!!!
I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11letters.... Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4 = 11!
Dave

PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.

SatanicMechanic
Uh oh...James Spicer has 11 letters too!!!!

From: meshboi
Subject: Afghan TV Guide

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "3rd Rock From the Sand"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Mullah's Place"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Mahatma Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "Sand Trek: The Next Generation"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
9:00 - "Survivor...I hope"
9:30 - "Achmed Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

SATURDAYS:
8:00 - "Let's Mecca Deal"
8:30 - "Allahwood Squares"
9:00 - "This Old Tent"
9:30 - "No Sex in the City"
10:00 - "Mullah's Place"

SUNDAYS:
8:00 - "Who's Goat Is it Anyway?"
8:30 - "The Bedouin Bunch"
9:00 - "My Three Huns"
9:30 - "The Sultan of Queens"
10:00 - "I Dream of Jihad"