Suburbia, spawned from the homogenous desires of the 1950’s, has permeated American culture to it’s very core. The resulting cookie-cutter rows of homes and shopping malls are inhabited by throngs of cookie-cutter people. These people are your victims. The Suburban Terrorist has spent many a year developing techniques to disrupt the normal Prozac induced goings-on that take place in a typical Suburban community. Each issue, we will explore subtle and overt ways to gain some cheap entertainment at the servile masses expense.

Supermarkets are a great place to enact some of your nihilistic leanings. Most supermarkets will pile some of their stock high on the top shelves of each isle, as it is a good place to store extra stuff for easy replenishment. Most stores will also have a toy section, within this section you will find soft rubber balls about the size of a tennis ball. Let it be known that no one has ever seen any children playing with the aforementioned spherical objects, but they seem to always be present perhaps a momento of a bygone era. Usually this operation requires at least three people, a thrower, a spotter, and a relay man. The object is to pick a particularly high pile of stores, such as cereal, and wait. Once the spotter has an unsuspecting shopper in sight, he/she gives the signal to the relay man/woman that in turn give the green light to the thrower. One good wack from a semi-dense hurled object will usually send the boxes of what ever crashing down on top of the target shopper. Heavy objects such as canned good should not be attempted as you will most likely not get them to fall, and if by some strange feat you do, they will seriously mess up anyone that gets struck by them. Boxes of cereal, diapers, paper towels etc.-these are choice objects for this ploy.

Never will you ride on a smoother surface than a grocery store floor. If you can get some old soft wheels for your skateboard-by all means try it. Be careful not to slide into too much stuff. This is best done late at night when the employees are busy re-stocking.

The automatic door is one of the easiest to employ and has potential for the most enjoyment. Above the door in any given supermarket, you should be able to see a switch. This switch is what controls the automatic door sensor, turning the switch turns the sensor off, making the door manually operated. As you leave the establishment, simply reach up in a casual manner and turn the switch off. The door will open one last time for you as you exit and then close. The shoppers behind you will most likely be none the wiser as they barrel ahead with a cart full of goodies-right into the door. Eventually, an experienced employee will notice the mass of shoppers congregating at the exit and fix the problem. Normally, you will get a few to run into the door face first, as they are so complacent in their ways.

And you thought supermarkets were just places to buy food.

Zine  Releases  Special Offers  Projects  Goals  Contact  Links  Comics  Home