The Pink Elephant
Victoria ducked before a shoe hit her in the head for the second time.
�Cheney, really,� she started, picking her way around the shoes and dresses
scattered all over the floor. �I understand you�re upset, but surely you -�
Another shoe came sailing across the room, followed by a jewelry box. They crashed into the wall behind
Victoria and fell to the floor.
�Upset?� Cheney Duvall exclaimed, turning away from her ransacked closet to
face her friend. �Upset doesn�t begin to describe it, Victoria. I�m furious. Outraged. That they think they
can do this to me, after all I�ve done for them...� She picked up a glove, shook it in frustration, and tossed
it down again. �I simply refuse,� she said decisively, ripping more dresses from the closet and throwing
them on the floor. Victoria considered this for a moment.
�Cheney,� she said gently, �don�t you think you�d -better- marry
him? You have all the fans to consider, and -�
�I hate fans,� Cheney said petulantly. �I�d much rather have air-conditioning.�
�It hasn�t been invented yet,� Victoria said dryly. �Cheney, it�s �Shiloh-. It�s not like you�re marrying...
Jeremy Blue or...or Sweet! It could be much, much worse. Maybe you should simply make the best
of the situation. He is, after all, quite rich.� She pondered this. �Perhaps I shall marry him. Dev is
attractive enough, but quite tragically poor.�
�He�s a doctor, Victoria. He has money. -You- have money.�
�I�d like more of it. I�ve been thinking about collecting it. Wouldn�t that be lovely?�
�Charming,� she said absently, going to the window and peering out. �But no,
my mind is made up. Bain and I are eloping tonight. I�m going to climb down the trellis. I simply won�t marry
Shiloh, and everyone shall have to find some way of coping with that.�
�You don�t have a trellis,� Victoria said, giving Cheney an odd look.
�I�m getting one built. By SHILOH! Isn�t that delicious!� Cheney grinned
evilly. �It�s simply too perfectly convoluted and ironic. Climbing down a trellis built by one�s fianc�,
only to elope with the fianc�s fabulously handsome and devastatingly villainous cousin...�
Victoria joined Cheney at the window, where Shiloh was hammering
away at the trellis. �But...you�re an adult. Can�t you just walk out the door? Why must you sneak
out the window and down the trellis?�
�Walking out the door wouldn�t be any fun at all,� Cheney replied,
thinking it was quite obvious. �Really, Victoria. If a person is going to elope, one may as well do
it right. Walking out the door is dreadfully anticlimactic. No. It simply won�t do. Bain is going to
come stand under my window tonight, and he�s going to sing. Upon hearing him, I shall open the
window and climb daringly down the trellis, and we shall escape to Paris or Hawaii or Simbaloringadum
or some such place.�
Victoria snorted. �Bain�s going to come and -sing- under your window?�
�You�re going to -what?!-� Christian was staring at Bain as if Bain had a
rubber ducky stuck to the middle of his forehead. Which, in fact, he did.
�Don�t look at me like that. I told you once. Actually, I told you twice.
Because when I first came to talk to you, I said--�
�I get your point.� He was still staring at Bain�s forehead. �Do you have
any more of those duckies?�
�Yes. Here.� Bain smashed a ducky onto Christian�s head.
�Much better. Go on.�
�I�m going to sing under her window - you�re doing it again, stop that.�
�Stop what?�
�That annoyingly incredulous look. It�s freaking me out.� Bain began pacing,
as he tended to do at least once in every book. �I need a song. You need to help me think of a song.
You have experience with this sort of thing.�
Christian shook his head. �No, actually, I don�t. I know nothing about singing
under windows. I�ve never done it, in fact. In front of windows, yes. On top of elephants? Sure. But you
should really talk to Leah, I hear she does this sort of thing quite often.�
�No, no, it�s no good. I can�t talk to Leah. If I talk to Leah, she�ll say I need to
stop wasting my time in stories such as this and help her with the website.�
�Websites haven�t been invented yet,� Christian pointed out. �Besides,
she probably would be glad you�re wasting your time in some sort of story. A random story is better than
no story at all. She could put this on the site. Actually,� he added, �that would be hysterical.�
�I need help,� Bain pleaded. �Please just help me with a song. Don�t make me beg.�
Christian�s eyes lit up. �You�ll beg? Ooh! I want to see you beg!�
It was Bain�s turn to stare at Christian as if Christian had a rubber ducky suctioned
to his forehead. Which, in fact, he did.
�You�ve got a rubber ducky in the middle of your forehead,� he evaded.
�So do you.� There was an awkward silence.
�You have to help me!� Bain suddenly exclaimed, falling on the floor to beg
at Christian�s feet. �Please, please, help me! I�ll pay you! You can have my clipper! Just please help me
with a song! I have to go sing under Cheney�s window --�
�Cheney?!� Christian said, interrupting Bain�s hysterics. �You�re going to sing to Cheney?�
�Yes,� Bain said, composing himself somewhat. �I thought I told you that.�
�Actually, you kept referring to her as...�her.��
�Oh, well, yes. It�s Cheney.� Bain got to his feet and checked to make sure the
ducky was still plastered to his forehead.
�Bain, my friend, I may be able to help you...�
Cheney Duvall sat at her window, waiting. She looked out the window.
She looked at the clock. Window. Clock. Window. Clock.
�He�s dreadfully late,� she whined.
�He�s probably buying you flowers,� Victoria assured her. �He shall be here.
He better be here. I stayed to hear him sing. Especially under a trellis. There is something special about
singing under a trellis��
�Do get over it, Victoria. We can�t both be madly in love with Bain. It simply won�t
do.� A glance out the window again revealed an empty yard.
�I suppose I shall simply have to make Dev sing under a trellis for me,� Victoria sighed.
They sat in silence for a while, contemplating Bain and Dev and trellises.
Suddenly there was a sound. Cheney threw the window open and leaned out.
�Five little ducks went out one day, over the hills and far away! Mama Duck said,
�Quack quack quack quack!� Four little ducks came waddling back!�
Time seemed to stop. Cheney stared at Victoria, her mouth open and her eyes wide.
Victoria had a look of confusion on her face. Below them, Bain kept singing, now adding hand motions.
�Four little ducks went out one day, over the hills and far away! Mama Duck said
�Quack quack quack quack!� Three little ducks came waddling back!�
Cheney began to say something, stopped, began again, and hesitated. Finally she
managed, �Is he calling me a �duck-?�
Victoria, still stunned by the choice of songs (and by the fact that Bain Winlslow
was dancing around the yard doing coordinating hand motions) coughed and said, �I � um � maybe he�s saying�
he wants to have five ducklings. Er, children. And � lose them. Over the hills and far away. Oh, horrors. That�s not
much better.�
�BAIN FERDINAND WINSLOW!� Cheney shouted out the window. �Are you calling me a duck?!�
�Cheney my love!� he called up to her. �Do you like the song?�
�You � I � hmph!� She indignantly slammed the window shut and disappeared inside.
Bain stared up at her in confusion. He glanced back at where Christian was hiding in the bushes.
�Three little ducks,� Christian prompted, and pointed up the trellis.
�Have you been sniffin� the exhaust?!� Bain exclaimed. �I can�t climb up-�
�Go!�
Bain went, muttering under his breath. He reached the trellis and began climbing up.
Right foot, left foot, right foot�
�Three little ducks went out one day��
There was a sickening creaking sound. Cheney and Victoria ran to the window.
�Shiloh built that trellis! It�s not sturdy! Get off!� Cheney shrieked as the entire trellis
wrenched free from the wall and fell backwards, taking Bain with it. There was a crash. Cheney and Victoria
hurried downstairs and out to the yard.
Bain Winslow was lying pinned under the trellis, mumbling something about
eight-thousand pound prairie dogs. Cheney hurried over to him and dumped carbolic acid on his head,
saying, �I�m a doctor, this will make you better.�
�Maybe�we should move the trellis off of him,� Victoria ventured, not wanting
to sound contrary. She wasn�t a doctor, after all.
�Oh. Oh, yes, perhaps we should.�
Victoria, Cheney, and Christian lifted the trellis off of Bain.
�Ugh,� Bain groaned, getting up. �Why does my head hurt so much?�
�Cows,� Christian said matter-of-factly.
Bain nodded absently, then made a face. �Cows?!� he exclaimed, entirely lost as to
the turn the conversation had taken.
�Well, it MIGHT!�
Cheney and Victoria stared, a bit confused.
�Aren�t cows�a �they?�� Victoria finally said.
�Not �these- cows,� said Christian informatively.
�Oh,� she said.
Bain got down on one knee in front of Cheney. �Cheney, my love, marry me!�
Cheney pulled her hand out of his grasp. �You called me a duck!� she retorted.
�What was that supposed to mean?!�
�No,� Bain desperately tried to explain, �I was singing to you. Singing! Just as we�d planned!�
�About a duck!� she said mournfully.
�But � it wasn�t � it was all �his- idea!� Bain pointed at Christian, who grinned endearingly at Cheney.
�I don�t think you look like a duck,� he said.
�Oh�well�thank you,� she said, finding him quite charming. She turned back to Bain.
�Bain Winslow! I could kill you��
�Your trellis nearly did, Cheney dear. Please, let�s not relive that experience.
Let�s put the past behind us, forget the ducky song, and go on with things as we planned. We�ll get married
and live happily ever after!�
Cheney was looking at him warily.
�Quick!� Victoria suddenly cried. �Shiloh! Here!�
�WHAT?�
�Shiloh�s coming! We have to leave!�
The foursome hurried away as Shiloh, awakened by a nightmare about his trellis falling apart,
wandered over to study the wreckage.
�My poor trellis,� he sobbed, picking up the broken pieces.
�I should have gotten here sooner. I knew you were in trouble.� He clutched the trellis and cried.
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