Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
"Okay? O-kay? Lookit: this is me... dragging in the mail. AGAIN.
"Now: lay off, f'the luvva Odin!"
[Part Whatever]
Cripes... do a couple of team rosters, and you all just come a-crawlin' out
of the freakin' woodwork, don'cha...? 
For some unwholesome reason or another, Unca's various "If
I Ran [Fill-In-the-Blank"
maunderings have occasioned a particularly heavy (and fascinating) mail flow,
of late; so we'll spend some time going over a few of these, first and
foremost.
The unfailingly erudite Frank Esposito, of crain.com, throws out the first pitch, as follows, re: If I Ran the Suicide Squad:
"Glad to see you giving crazy mad props to the Creeper and Ragman
in your SUICIDE SQUAD (second team) lineup. Sounds
like a great way for DC to utilize their secondary characters in a practical
manner. And with the built-in motivations you mention,
the series should be able to avoid coming off like Marvel's CHAMPIONS
series, or even DC's own JUSTICE LEAGUE TASK FORCE or PRIMAL
FORCE."
God forbid that any team comic EVER take on the storytelling color or
aspect of the (mercifully) extinguished JUSTICE LEAGUE TASK FORCE, Frank.
(... or -- more bloodcurdlingly still! -- EXTREME JUSTICE.)
Pound for spandexed pound, Frank: DC has more seldom- (or ineptly-) utilized secondary characters than any company going; partially due to that weird and inexplicable editorial/auctorial malady which Unca has taken to referring to as "CRISISvision" (i.e., the inability to "see" any DC Comics character created before March of 1986 as being worth two hoots and a holler, conceptually), and partially to the fact that -- after sixty-
plus years of unbroken publication -- they've managed to pile up all sorts of endearingly screwball things in their bedroom closet, over the years.)
I mean: any company which can lay fair claim to both PREACHER and
"The Space Canine Patrol Agency," fer cryin' out loud
Jason Meunier, of granita.bmen.tulane.edu, weighs in enthusiastically with the following:
"I just finished reading 'If I Ruled The Suicide Squad.'
"Incredible. Just incredible.
"I'm forcing back my fanboyish urge to start plotting the first twelve issues.
"("... see, even though Argus and his team encounter Captain Nazi and his team in Double-Sized Anniversary Issue #12, the two groups don't know they are `allies,' and they end up in this big fight, and Poison Ivy
poisons Dolphin but then Hawkwoman shoots her, and Azrael fights Captain Nazi, and The Knight battles Mirror Master, and The Question somehow argues Crazy Jane into a corner, and then the other team shows up, and Deadshot shoots The King and The Creeper, which only slows them down a bit, and Argus defeats Jack and punches King when he `wakes up,' and Ragman attacks Malice, but she escapes, and Man-Bat attacks Deadshot, and then Captain Nazi decapitates Pied Piper [oooh, another SUICIDE SQUAD-related death!], then kills The King, then Argus and Azrael beat Captain Nazi, but The King gets back up and gets punched by Wildcat, and days later Scarecrow hunts down Malice. . . wheeze, gasp. . . choke. . . need air. . . lack of oxygen to brain . . . can't remember if Deadman's possession of Crazy Jane would fit into current continuity. . . gack! . . .") "
Well, sure, Jason... but: what about Page Two...?
"The public team, the secret team, the 'dirty' team hiding behind the other double-blind teams [Jason continues] -- it's a classic. If DC Comics ever seriously redid the Squad, this is how it should be done."
Unca blushes in what he hopes is a suitably becoming manner, Jason, in light of such fulsome and unreserved praise -- the SUICIDE SQUAD article proved a startlingly popular one, overall (are you listening, DC...?) -- scuffs a toe in the dirt, and murmurs, humbly, that the inspiration for same should, rightwise, be accorded solely to one John Ostrander, Esq.; whose audacious auctorial "turn" on said title, some years back, still stands unmatched for invention and nerve, overall.
Come on, DC. Buy a friggin' clue, awready.
Unca's good buddy and fellow H.E.A.T.er Ken (a.k.a. TheSilverAgent @aol.com) set aside precious time from studying to become the next Garry Spence (or mebbe even The Next Gloria Allred) to inquire, thusly:
"Hey, Kent. I've been reading your web pages at work (thank God for high-bandwidth connections!) & read over your 'If I Ruled the Suicide Squad' bit today.
"I have to ask: Did you read Warren Ellis's STORMWATCH run? The team divisions you made were strikingly similar to his 'Prime,' 'Red,' & 'Black' teams. (BTW, if you didn't read STORMWATCH, do so. I don't know what you think of Ellis' stuff, but I love it.)"
Unca has never so much as flipped idly through the pages of STORMWATCH, alas -- up until around the point where Busiek's ASTRO CITY and Evanier's GROO came out under the Image Comics banner, that thrice-accursed lower-case "i" was as the mark of Satan, really (I'd read the first few issues of TEAM YOUNGBLOOD and SPAWN, you see) -- and so missed out, apparently, on the occasional well-written Moore or Ellis offering, dang it.
(... which genuinely torques Unca right the hell off, in all naked honesty.
I mean: when a man can't decently swear off a comics company for publishing
the sorry likes of KISS: THE PSYCHO-CIRCUS, without running the risk of
missing out on some nice, fresh Alan Moore, f'chrissakes -- !)
As to Mr. Ellis' efforts, overall: other than his brief tenure on EXCALIBUR (which he quite enjoyed, actually); HELLSTORM (which he most decidedly didn't) and the first year or so of TRANSMETROPOLITAN (nicely done, but not Unca's particular meta-fictive brand of Earl Grey, really), Unca has read but scant little.
However -- spurred on both by Ken's heartfelt recommendation (as well as those
of numberless others, writing in) -- Unca has picked up the trade paperback
collection of the first half-dozen or so issues of Ellis' PLANETARY; with said
volume resting demurely atop the increasingly mountainous stack of Things To
Be Decently Read, Sometime Before the Onset of the Apocalypse.
The aged and venerable AG Loomis, of aol.com, gives a wave and a cheery whistle, like so:
"On the Suicide Squad front, specifically re: Crazy Jane, I've had an idea so ill that even a twisted little cruller like yourself may look away from it. I hesitate to spell it out, but...
"...well, you've got Kay Challis, a nominally integrated MPD who lost her wide range of powers when her several selves made peace...
"...and you've got Jonathan Crane, MD, whose hobby is stress-testing the human psyche just to see what happens when it breaks...
"...and you've got a shadowy agency willing to do whatever it takes to Get the Job Done (as witness their employing the said not-so-good doctor alongside the likes of Albrecht Krieger [Captain Nazi], Pam Isley [Poison Ivy], and Mr. McCullough [Mirror Master).
"In other words: you don't need to retcon out Jane's integration in order to undo it. I'm just sayin', is all."
Unca likes the way you think, AG.
I don't want you babysittin' my kid anymore, though. You hopelessly
twisted and degenerate cruller, you.
Everbard, of ix.netcom.com, holds up a large, painted wooden sign reading as follows:
"RE: The Suicide Squad.
"I'd buy all three series.
"Yes. SUICIDE SQUAD: Dark Heroes.
"SUICIDE SQUAD: Dark Missions.
"SUICIDE SQUAD: Dark Agendas.
"Hey, I'm just sayin, is all... one series for each of the three 'teams,' yes? Please?"
Unca is -- for real; no foolin' -- absurdly touched by the very real
(and, I hasten to assure you, one and all, wholly unfounded) faith you
all have in him, re: this whole Getting Things Done, Dammit
business.
The short, short list of things which would be way different, if Unca really and truly were in charge, comics-wise:
1.) DC Comics publishes a twelve-issue limited sequel to CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS -- co-written by Grant Morrison and Mark Waid; and penciled by George Perez -- entitled: JEEZUS H. CHRIST! WHAT WERE WE THINKING -- ?!!
2.) Galactus lands on Earth, and demands an audience with (collectively) Cable, Dazzler, Jubilee, Power Pack, The Punisher, Razorback, She-Hulk, Wolverine and anyone who was ever -- at ANY time -- an ongoing title character within Marvel's abortive "New Universe" titles. Swallows them whole, one at a time. Leaves.
3.) The following comics never happened. Any/all events detailed therein are summarily rendered null and void:
DC: ARMAGEDDON 2001.
Howard Chaykin's psycho-sexual "take" on BLACKHAWK.
"Emerald Twilight" (and any issue of GREEN LANTERN thereafter).
Any DOOM PATROL comic taking place after Arnold Drake, and prior to Grant Morrison.
EXTREME JUSTICE.
The last two FATE series'.
GENESIS.
GUY GARDNER.
The third HAWK AND DOVE series.
JLA/TITANS.
Any issue of JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL after, oh, say, issue #5 or #6.
JUSTICE LEAGUE TASK FORCE.
That period of LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES during which the various Legionnaires were stumbling, ragged and unshaven (even the women) through the sewers of a nightmarish, post-apocalyptic dystopia, gnoshing on one another's offal in order to survive.
LEGION LOST.
That last METAL MEN mini-series.
MILLENNIUM.
Any issue of NEW TEEN TITANS post "The Judas Contract" (excluding Kesel-written "fill-in" issues).
PRIMAL FORCE.
SOVEREIGN SEVEN.
STEEL.
WILD DOG.
John Byrne's run on WONDER WOMAN.
ZERO HOUR.
MARVEL: CABLE.
Any issue of CAPTAIN AMERICA taking place after Roger Stern and John Byrne, and prior to Mark Waid.
CRYSTAR, CRYSTAL WARRIOR.
DAZZLER.
Any issue of DAREDEVIL ever written by D.G. Chichester and/or Ann Nocenti.
Chris Claremont's FANTASTIC FOUR.
HELLSTORM.
The "New Universe" titles.
OBNOXIO THE CLOWN VERSUS THE X-MEN.
Any issue of THE PUNISHER. (Excluding ARCHIE MEETS
THE PUNISHER, natch. I'm weak. I admit that.)
SAVAGE and/or SENSATIONAL SHE-HULK.
Any Marvel comic in which the words "secret" and "war(s)" occur in conjunction.
That whole dreary, dreadful "Spider-Clone" business.
STREET POET RAY.
U.S. #1.
Any comic which even hints at the possible existence of any character named either "Venom" or "Carnage."
WOLFPACK
WOLVERINE.
X-MAN.
Any issue of X-MEN in which Kitty Pryde hurts
the reader with another one of those hideous @#$%ing "fairy tales" of hers.
Titles and/or characters which would still be around, if Unca really and truly were in charge, comics-wise:
DC: AMBUSH BUG. (Yeah, yeah: I know, Big
surprise, there.)
Mark Evanier's and Dan Spiegle's BLACKHAWK.
Tony Isabella's BLACK LIGHTNING.
The real GREEN LANTERN.
Barbara and Karl Kesel's HAWK AND DOVE.
JONAH HEX.
THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES, a la Paul Levitz, with either Keith Giffen or (preferably) Dave Cockrum.
MAJOR BUMMER.
'MAZING MAN.
The Milestone line of comics. All of 'em.
THE QUESTION.
SUICIDE SQUAD.
The DC Archives series would include multiple volumes of SUGAR AND SPIKE and Mac Raboy's CAPTAIN MARVEL, JR.
An ongoing, monthly painted "prestige format" SPACE CANINE
PATROL AGENCY series.
MARVEL: CAPTAIN AMERICA and THE FALCON.
DOCTOR STRANGE.
THE INVADERS.
LUKE CAGE: HERO FOR HIRE.
MASTER OF KUNG FU.
RED WOLF.
The real SON OF SATAN.
THE TOMB OF DRACULA.
Marvel would start publishing SPIDER-MAN and FANTASTIC FOUR comics, again. (Remember those guys? Kinda swell, weren't they...?)
The legend "Stan Lee Presents..." would be changed, forever hereafter, to read: "Jack Kirby and Stan Lee Present..."
Tom Brevoort: in charge of EVERYthing.
An ongoing, monthly painted "prestige format" YOUNG FIN FANG FOOM ROMANCE series.
So... you see, campers'n'camperettes: things would be a whole lotta different, if'n your narrow-eyed and curmudgeonly Unca had his editorial druthers, by golly...
... and then some.
[NOTE TO EVERBARD: ... yes, yes: Unca knows you weren't
actually... whaddyacallit... implying that he's actually "in charge" of anything
more meaningful or complicated than the closest television remote. Just
using your letter as conversational springboard for a little plain'n'fancy riffing,
is all.]
... and, speaking (as we just were, albeit in passing) of the estimable Tom "The Last Marvel Comics Editor" Brevoort: Unca has been meaning for some time now to clue you all in, re: the aforementioned gent's waynifty The Brevoort History of Comics: a snappy, insightful reminiscence-cum-(re)evaluation of the various comics and characters responsible for transforming a beardless and whey-faced Little Tom into the present-day Big Tom single-handedly responsible for providing Marvel Comics with a rational and worthwhile editorial vision.
Anyone who enjoys Unca's senile stutterings will be even more well-
pleased, certainly, with Tom's incisive and spot-on observations, re: the signal four-color offerings of yesteryear.
In other words: bookmark this baby.
Yet another web site Unca has been wanting to bring to everyone's attention is the gleefully goofy (and Unca means that in the very best sense of the word) APE Has Killed APE: a collection of articles so magnificently snotty (and Unca means that in the very best sense of the word) and deranged (and Unca means that in the very best sense of the word) as to occasion involuntary high-pressure streams of soda or what-
have-you through the nose even upon repeated re-readings. (The snide series regarding the Atlas Comics titles of the '70s is worth the price of admission alone.)
These are all seriously, seriously disturbed people, here, in other words.
God love 'em.
Pondering the matter of other comics-related web sites reminds Unca, incidentally, of something he's been asked more than once, re: this whole "May I please use the following images/articles/etecetera for my own site?" business.
First off: Unca is never less than pleased, of course, that someone would take the time to tap out a quick, courteous e-mail to the effect of I-Didn't-Want-To-Just-Steal-This-Outright, as it shows both good breeding and admirable intent. So: he doesn't want anyone out there, reading this, should think he's engaging in any shade or stripe of callow mockery, with the following.
Unca has never -- no, never -- created; written; or drawn any published DC or Marvel comic book; nor does he possess ownership of the publication rights to any of the aforementioned.
To Unca's way of thinking, then, this means: any comics covers or pages he scans, for this here site, are already "borrowed" works; utilized (as per established "Fair Usage" provisions) for purposes of not-for-profit entertainment, scholarly and/or archival purposes only.
In other words, then: just so long as you aren't attempting to make a buck off of any of 'em, campers: "swipe" all the pics you want from these pages.
Just make absolutely stone certain, however, that you decently ACKNOWLEDGE
ANY/ALL COPYRIGHTS AND TRADEMARKS OF THE RESPECTIVE CHARACTERS, TO THEIR LEGAL
CORPORATE OWNERS. (I mean: come on, people...)
As for the actual, Unca-generated articles themselves, on the other hand...
... well. Let's try it this way, then, and see how things work out:
You like any article(s) hereabouts enough to copy and post it/them onto your own web site -- and assuming (if only for sweet argument's sake, mind) that the nice therapists don't treble or quadruple your medications, as a result -- then, provided that you:
A.) ... duly credit the entirety of said article(s) to Sweet, Humble Moi; AND --
B.) ... do not effect any alterations in the written content of same; AND --
C.) ... assuming that your site isn't given over to (say) pederasty; or wartime Nazi memorabilia; or full-color glossies of a nekkid Irene Ryan; or any other of the garden variety psycho-sociological perversions commonly held as being Well and Truly Beyond the Pale by all decent, civilized, right-thinkin' folk...
... hell: go to town, pals'n'gals.
(Mind, now: if Unca ever chances across any reproductions of his articles
not adhering to all three of the foregoing codicils, he's gonna call
up your server; do a fandango on your eyeballs; and have your steaming entrails
for breakfast. A word to the wise, here. I'm just
sayin', is all.)
More than a few of you have written in, inquiring sweetly as to whether or
not Unca has seen the recent X-MEN movie; and (if so) what he thought
of said cinematic offering, overall. Like he's suddenly the online fannish
equivalent of Pauline Kael, or somethin'.
Yes: Unca saw it.
Yes: Unca liked it, overall.
Yes: actor Hugh Jackman made for a surprisingly feral and effective Wolverine.
Yes: the guy essaying the part of the Toad practically stole each and every scene in which he was included.
Yes: Patrick Stewart (as Professor Charles Xavier) and Ian McKellan (as Magneto) pretty much rocked, in their respective roles. (... which should have comes as a surprise to practically no one, really; these two being old and reliable thespic warhorses, with something like eighty-
seven gajillion years of acting experience between the two of 'em.)
Yes: Halle Berry's now-you-hear-it-now-you-don't "accent" did rather qualify as a full-scale auditory disaster, thankyouverymuch. (Said film's $70 mill-plus budget, apparently, didn't leave enough room for a Continuity Editor.)
Yes: the "action" sequences were (again, apparently) shot under something like 30 or 40 watts of direct lighting, tops. (Tim Burton has, oh, so very, very much to answer for, re: the first BATMAN film.)
Yes: Unca is well aware of the attendant Usenet "controversy" involving a handful of self-appointed killjoys attempting to squelch all discussion of said film within the Marvel Comics folder, on the (rather specious) grounds that "the X-Men aren't permissible topic for conversation on this board," or somesuch. Silly, really.
Again, overall: Unca had himself a swell time with said movie.
Bear in mind, however: Unca also liked both DICK TRACY and THE
PHANTOM: two comics-related films which stiffed spectacularly at
the box office (as well as generating reviews so negative, nationwide, you'd
have thought the critics in attendance had just been subjected, en masse,
to the combined cinematic oeuvres of Chris Farley and Rae Dawn
Chong). So: caveat emptor, as they say.
More from the ol' mailbag, on Page Two, immediately following.
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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