Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
"Okay? O-kay? Lookit: this is me... dragging in the mail. AGAIN.
"Now: lay off, f'the luvva Odin!"
[Part Whatever + 1]
Three of the other "If I Ruled..." articles -- "If I Ruled the Avengers"; "If I Ruled the Defenders"; and "If I Ruled the Justice League of America" -- continue to pull in e-mail at a nice, steady clip, as the following selections amply demonstrate; the first of these from (again) Jason Meunier of granita.bmen.tulane.edu:
"The 'If I Ruled The Defenders' was top-notch, truly inspired. Nighthawk, Luke Cage, Shang-Chi, Tagak -- heck, I've never even read the DAREDEVIL comic with Tagak in it, and suddenly I'm a fan of his. You hit the nail on the head with these, both in important character aspects and team contributions. You've inspired me to go through boxes in my closet and hunt up all my old issues. It was a great series, and Marvel never really could recapture its spirit with some of the remakes it has tried."
Unca would like to take this opportunity to announce
-- just in case anyone out there hasn't properly kvelled over the news,
as of this writing -- that (deservedly) big deal ASTRO CITY and AVENGERS scripter
Kurt Busiek will be co-producing (along with Erik Larsen) a brand
spanking new DEFENDERS series in the not-too-distant future; incorporating many
of the original "key" members from previous incarnations of said series.
(Although not, alas, either Daimon Hellstrom or Luke Cage,
apparently; thereby ably demonstrating, once and for all, that this is NOT,
in fact, a perfect world.) 
AGLoomis of aol.com raps Unca's knuckles smartly, re: one particular aspect of his projected DEFENDERS line-up aforementioned, as follows"
"First, vis-a-vis THE DEFENDERS: according to Jeff Rovin's compendious (and, occasionally, even accurate) ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SUPERHEROES, the Nighthawk who was one of the Squadron Sinister before joining a Defenders lineup is as dead as his counterpart from the Squadron Supreme. Now, given that those words were written in 1985 (when the death of the Other-Earth Kyle Richmond hadn't happened yet), and given that the death of a super, hero or villain, is subject to revocation by popular demand, and given that Rovin often doesn't know third base from a hole in the ground anyway (I'm thinking specifically of his Marvelman listing here), it still behooves one to find out whether the Marvel Universe Kyle Richmond is indeed dead, and (if so) whether his death can readily be made temporary."
Your Doddering and Senile Unca will be the first to readily confess that --
when it comes to the twistings and twinings of modern-day comics "continuity"
(a.k.a. "The Blight On the Petal of the Storytelling Rose")
-- he is (... blessedly? ... cursedly? You Make The Call!)
as free of taint or tincture as the merest foundling babe; and, therefore, it
is entirely possible that the various writers and/or editors of Marvel Comics
have been busily bumping off stray "Nighthawks" left, right, and center.
However: there was a four issue NIGHTHAWK limited series a year or so ago, as of this writing; and, whereas Unca cannot wholeheartedly recommend said offering, based upon his (admittedly) fuzzy, one-reading memories of same...
... well: obviously, there is A "Nighthawk" out there, some-freakin'-
where.
This does, however, raise yet another (and somewhat larger) issue, overall, which Unca has been meaning to decently address for some little time now.
Namely: Unca's advanced case of full-blown, four-color Alzheimer's.
The following are all -- A!L!L! -- maladroit misstatements; boneheaded blunders; and (basically) all-around factual howlers which have cropped up, unbidden, in the course of Unca's The 50 All-Time Coolest Marvel Comics and Stories series of articles, to date:
PAGE TWO: ""Duel With Daredevil!" [AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #16; September, 1964; Stan Lee, scripter; Steve Ditko, storyteller) is listed in THE OVERSTREET COMIC BOOK PRICE GUIDE as being the first Silver Age Marvel Comics super-hero crossover; and Unca Cheeks is just lazy and trusting enough to take his word for it, thank you."
Obviously -- as a mere eighty or one hundred of yoou took the time to point out to Unca, via e-mail -- Bob Overstreet is a big, stupid dummyhead; and the signal honor of being the "First Silver Age Marvel Comics Super-Hero Crossover" belongs, rightly, to AMAZING SPIDER-
MAN #1. (... and this guy publishes THE annual guide for the entire industry,
mind. He Said, Frantically Gesturing Towards The Other Guy.)
PAGE SIX: "[UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE: For those of you who've never actually seen a working map of Europe -- which (Unca Cheeks dares to presume) includes one Mister Stanley Lieber, Esq. -- be advised that both Belgium and the freakin' ENGLISH CHANNEL lie betwixt Germany and the United Kingdom; and that the odds of Hitler's Nazi War Machine being capable of decently mounting a project as elephantine as this one, all unobserved, are roughly analogous to those of Unca Cheeks being able to convincingly pass himself off as Jennifer Lopez. Maybe less, even.]"
You all can kindly stop sending Unca long, snotty e-mails regarding
the history of The Chunnel, now, thankyouverymuch.
PAGE SEVEN: "As it turns out, ultimately: said empty ensemble is the rightful property of one "Cain Marko"; a.k.a., the villainous Sandman, who managed to slither his way to safety, unseen, scant seconds before ending up unceremoniously nabbed by Your Friendly, Neighborhood Spider-Fellah."
*Siiiiiiiiiiighhhhh.* All right, all right, awready!
Unca has now had it pointed out to him no fewer than eleventy-gajillion
times (give or take) that "Cain Marko" is, in fact, the christian name of none
other than long- time X-MEN foeman The Juggernaut; and that the Sandman's
REAL name is, in fact, either "William Baker" or "Eugene P. Throckwaddle."
(At this juncture -- with the errors piling
up, re: those "Best Marvel" pages, at a steady and disconcerting
gallop -- Unca's honestly kinda surprised he hasn't ended up blandly mis-identifying
Steve Ditko as "Bill Sienkiewicz"; the late Jack "King"
Kirby as "America's thirty-seventh President"; or Tony Isabella
as a tuna on rye, heavy mayo. So: let's all simply agree that things
could have ended up a whole lot worse, in grateful [if mortified] retrospect.)
Back to things suitably DEFENDERS-ish, roster-wise: Bill Moakler, of aol.com, sent in a lengthy and painstakingly explicated examination of same; reading, in part:
"The J.M. DeMatteis DEFENDERS were a big part of my youthful comics experience, so of course I was interested in your 'If I Ruled The Defenders...' entry. Reading it, especially the 2nd page, started a lot of questions rattling around in my head....
"Tagak the Leopard Lord? Does he even have 3 Marvel Universe
appearances if you don't count the "Defenders for a Day' 3-parter? Wouldn't Shang-Chi be just about the last heroic Marvel character to run around with the funny longjohns-wearing crowd? Would Pete Wisdom end up as the main course at the Defenders' Soulfire Barbeque after one too many sarcastic remarks at Damon Hellstrom's expense? Why would a deeply religious man like Nightcrawler serve under a man sporting a family-size pentagram birthmark and calling himself 'Son of Satan'? Why is the sky so blue? Who stole my true love away? And why do I hate Gambit so much anyway?"
Taking 'em in the order you asked 'em, Bill:
1.) In addition to his aforementioned appearances in the pages of DAREDEVIL
#72 and that DEFENDERS three-parter: Tagak was, of course,
an integral character within the moving, Jim Shooter-authored SECRET
WARS III: "The Search For Willie Lumpkin."
2.) Shang-Chi has met and/or teamed-up with Spider-Man [GIANT- SIZE SPIDER-MAN]; the Man-Thing [MASTER OF KUNG FU]; the X-Men [guess]; and -- as of this writing -- is presently hanging out with the sorry likes of the Punisher, in the pages of the new ongoing MARVEL KNIGHTS title.
Way I figure it, Bill: a man who'd willingly traipse about
alongside Frank Castle would most likely work with pretty much ANYdamnbody,
really.
3.) Daimon Hellstrom and Pete Wisdom are, of course, lovers
in current Marvel Comics continuity.
4.) "Deeply religious" Kurt Wagner already associates, willingly,
with a sociopathic mass murderer by the name of "Wolverine." Not to mention
-- until fairly recently -- Scott Lobdell. So: it's a bit
late in the day for him to start playing Mr. High-and-Mighty, morality-wise.
5.) You... ummmmm... you see a blue sky, there, do you, Bill...?
6.) Your "true love" was last seen -- soiled and dishevelled -- in the
company of one Dick "Thunderthighs" Cheney. And Unca just
wants you know how damned sorry he is to have to be the one to break
it to you like this, in front of God and Kurt Wagner and everybody.
7.) Because it's difficult for any right-thinking individual not
to loathe and despise any comics character who'd willingly associate with Bishop,
or Jubilee.
"Actually [Bill continues], thinking about Daimon and your off-the- wall roster choices has given me a few ideas. Every single one of them is either a sneaky, hide-in-the-shadows type, or has a supernatural bouquet about them (and some are both!). This could make for an interesting mix: play down the costumes, forget about mixing it up with run-of-the-mill supervillains entirely, and focus on investigating (and anticipating) supernatural menaces and weird occurrences. Daimon can be the leader, but have him put on a shirt, maybe even a suit-and-tie. If he wants to sport a pentagram, his cufflinks will do nicely.
"Rather than leading from the front as the in-your-face Son of Satan of old, he can just be Daimon Hellstrom, and lead the team from behind by summoning the team, bringing the menace to their attention, doing research, and delivering timely assistance as needed.
"Having been both a college professor (parapsychology, I believe) and an occult investigator, he's quite suited for this role. Plus, he knows more about demonology than anyone alive. If he needs to use his powers, go the subtle route (I always liked it when writers remembered that he could do stuff besides blast things with soulfire).
"He should be more of a figure of mystery, perhaps not entirely
trusted by all of his teammates. Maybe he has a hidden agenda, or isn't telling all he knows. (Lessee... maybe these cases he has them investigating are the opening salvos of a father/son conflict).
"In short, this could be Marvel's version of NIGHT FORCE, with Daimon as the Baron Winters-type directing an investigative squad comprised of the oddballs and outsiders of the Marvel Universe. I can see the Gene Colan artwork now!"
This is one of the niftiest extrapolations from one of his "If I Ruled..." that Unca has ever seen, quite frankly; and is being posted here, in hope that someone affiliated with Marvel Comics in either an ediorial or auctorial capacity might espy it, and find themselves suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to Buy A Freakin' Clue, Daimon Hellstrom- wise.-))
Quite possibly the most frequently-asked question, hereabouts -- other than the (apparently) inevitable: "... oh, yeah? Well, what makes you think you're so goddamned smart, anyways? Huh? Huh?" I mean -- is the plaintive, wheedling What Books Are You Gonna Cover Next, Unca Cheeks?; with How Can I Get A Comics Article Posted On Your Site? coming in a close, close second.
Question Numero Uno, firsties. Unca is presently working on the following articles and/or series'; already in various stages of completion, as of this writing:
DC
***
101 Uses For a Crazed Urban Legend: THE BATMAN
*** CAPTAIN ACTION
*** The Greatest FLASH Stories of All Time
*** The Greatest DC COMICS Stories of
All Time
***
"If I
Ran THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES..."
***
LOIS LANE
*** SUGAR AND SPIKE
*** The Greatest SUPERMAN Stories of All Time
*** TOMMY TOMORROW
MARVEL
***
THE CHAMPIONS
*** The STEVE GERBER Marvel Comics of the '70s
*** HENRY PYM: Public Screwball #1
*** IT! THE LIVING COLOSSUS
*** The Greatest MARVEL COMICS Stories of All Time
*** SKULL THE SLAYER
*** The Marvel Comics SUPER-HEROINES
*** WAR OF THE WORLDS
MISC.
*** BOYS' RANCH
*** The Great Four-Color FEEB-OFF
*** SWORD AND SORCERY Comics Throughout the Years
*** Really Crappy WAR COMICS
*** The WILD CARDS Novels
Additionally: contributor T Campbell has already cried out a frantic
"Dibs! DIBS!", re: DC's ages-agone CAPTAIN CARROT
AND HIS AMAZING ZOO CREW; J. Kevin Carrier is handling Marvel's
WARLOCK just fine, thank you; invaluable Nicolas Juzda does pretty much
whatever he wants to (with a look at NEW TEEN TITANS, among other things,
upcoming); William Brackeen has a regular berth hereabouts, whenever
he likes; "Per'fesser" Quentin Long is this site's designated Lex
Luthor of record, insofar as hard scientific extrapolation is concerned;
and Unca's open invitations for Martin L. Shoemaker; Benner
Marks; Jack Selegue; and/or Michael Hutchison to throw some
li'l somethings-or-other together remain, all of them, ironclad.
In other words: we're workin' on 'em, people.
As for this whole, ticklish contributing-to-Unca's-site-your-own-self business...
... understand, first off: Unca generally prefers to invite select individuals, insofar as potential articles are concerned.
Not not not because he wants to be a big, mean, smelly poopyhead
over the matter, you understand; simply that -- all things being equal -- he'd
prefer to go with a "known quantity," whose opinions aren't wildly at
baseline philosophical odds with his own, site-wise. (I mean: would
any of you out there really wanna slog your respective ways through a
multi-installment "Why I Love TEAM YOUNGBLOOD" article...?)
Howsoever: this should NOT be interpreted as Rejection Ultimate, beforehand,
should any of you adorable little lunatics out there really and truly
desire (for reasons which, certainly, passeth all human understanding) to see
your own scintillating insights and/or snide commentaries posted for all to
gasp and goggle at; given that there are only so many hours in any given day,
after all, and Unca is -- regardless of what those white-smocked so-called
"specialists" over at the institution say -- only human, after all.
Tell you what, campers'n'camperettes.
The following are -- one and all-- comics series' which (for one reason or another) Unca just doesn't have enough of in the way of "back issue" copies to do a decent job on; which more than one of you have requested as topics, over the years.
Any of you out there possessed of a deep-rooted and insatiable craving to knock Unca's soiled socks off with an attempt at any of the following subjects... send him an e-mail, briefly outlining approach and content of same:
DC
ANGEL AND THE APE (1st series). BOMBA, THE JUNGLE BOY. CAPTAIN COMET. IN THE DAYS OF THE MOB. ISIS. KAMANDI. PETER CANNON: THUNDERBOLT (Charlton Comics version). SANDMAN ('70s Jack Kirby version). SEA DEVILS. SPIRIT WORLD. STALKER. STANLEY AND HIS MONSTER. SUPERGIRL ('70s series).
MARVEL
COMBAT KELLY AND HIS DEADLY DOZEN. THE ETERNALS ('70s Jack Kirby version). GHOST RIDER (early Mike Ploog-era issues). GODZILLA. GUNHAWKS. JACK OF HEARTS. THE MICRONAUTS. MORBIUS, THE LIVING VAMPIRE ('70s series). PLANET OF THE APES. THE RAWHIDE KID. RED SONJA. SHOGUN WARRIORS.
MISC.
The ARCHIE COMICS Super-Heroes ('40s versions). The ATLAS COMICS Super-Heroes ('70s). JACK Q. FROST (Harvey Comics). JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS. (Archie Comics). THE MIGHTY SAMSON. (Gold Key). THE OWL. (Gold Key).
[I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-T N-O-T-E: When Unca says he doesn't have the
comics necessary to do these here articles, chill'uns... that means you
either need access to some sort of scanner, in order to send along accompanying
pics, upon acceptance; or else a reliable Kinko's nearby, for the mailing-to-Unca
of reasonably clear, COLOR pages for him to scan over on his end.
Don't make Unca come over there and slap anybody, now.]
[Also: said page/panel reproductions must must must be large and
"crisp" enough for the printed dialogue thereon to be decently readable,
obviously. No one, believe me, is much interested in squinting
at reproductions so ridiculously teensy-tiny that they can't even make out the
words, f'chrissakes. I'm just sayin'.]
That's thirty-two potential topics right there, people; each and ev'ry one of 'em "... Because You, The Reader, Demanded It!", as they say.
Knock yourselves out, troops.
Unca routinely receives plaintive, heartfelt wails to the effect of: "[Fill- In-the-Name-of-Big-Time-Comics-Pro] just flamed me/trolled me/used and
abused me on such-and-such a message board! And I didn't even do
anything! How should I handle something like this, Unca?
(And would you help me dispose of the body, afterwards?)" )
Welllllllllllllllllllllll, now: Unca's of two minds, re: the judicious care and feeding of comics superstar egos, in all honesty, space kiddettes.
First off -- and, if Unca isn't SPECIFICALLY describing behavior in which you, yourself, haven't been indulging, all willy-nilly; then kindly don't assume he's leveling a quivering finger and solemnly intoning "J'accuse!" in your general direction, hokay? -- having spent the better part of five or six years lurking and/or posting in more comics fora than you've had hot breakfasts, of late...
... there are (regrettably) more than a few of you out there -- sadly; plainly -- who haven't the proverbial first clue as how to decently approach and/or address what is (really and truly) a pluperfect stranger, insofar as their chosen art (or craft) is concerned.
What Unca means, here, is: the fact that you've actually purchased any given comic by (say) Walt Simonson, or Roger Stern, and have regular access to a working keyboard and modem, doesn't automatically accord one all the standard privileges of familiarity with said artisan, right from the online git-go.
Unca has repeatedly found himself staring in stunned, slack-jawed startlement
as some swaggering, smart-alecky Joe Fanboy (or -- in one particularly noxious
and nigh-legendary instance -- Josephine Fangirl) lumbers up to the conversational
bar, online, under the mistaken impression that the loutish, supercilious way
they habitually address their fellow fans and hangers-on in the local comics
shop, Thursday afternoons, is (under the faux rubrics of "democracy"
and "egalitarainism") perfectly acceptable behavior when addressing someone
who -- plain and simple -- don't know you from Adam, Chester.
I mean... look at it this way, people:
Imagine that you're a working comics professional; say, the writer of record for Basic Food Group Comics' ADVENTURES OF THE DEVILED EGG SQUADRON.
You sashay your way online, after a hard day's staring down the auctorial exigencies of that sure-seemed-like-a darned-clever-idea-at-the-
time death trap in which you left The Green Rutabaga, last month out; and wander, wide-eyed and unsuspecting, onto the comics-related message board of your particular fancy.
Now: imagine that you are summarily confronted, thereon, by blandly poisonous postings to the effect that (and these are all actual, for-real instances, mind) you are a "racist swine [expletive deleted]"; that the only reason you managed to garner your present assignment was because you "slept with [Insert Name of Other Comics Professional Here]"; or that -- on the basis of some throwaway line of dialogue, somewhere -- you "obviously have 'issues' with women." (Or "wimmen." Or "wymmen." Whatever.)
In other words: things which the offending party in question would
never dare to actually say to your face, from six inches away,
without risking the very real possibility of some quick, impromptu dental
work, by way of reasoned response.
Now: Unca has enjoyed the singular good fortune, over the years, of corresponding with any number of working comics professionals, online...
... and -- with the (obvious) exceptions-proving-the-rule, here and there; humans being the flawed and imperfect creatures that they inevitably are -- he has found them, almost to a man, to be rigorously courteous and decorous individuals; day in and day out.
Kurt Busiek is as unfailingly patient (and generous, with both his time and knowledge) as is anyone online, fan or pro.
Mark Waid -- gracious; civilized; and howlingly funny -- perfectly exemplifies the dictum: "You don't start none... there won't be none."
Tony Isabella's online demeanor is so appealingly courtly and correct, throughout, as to bring memories of Noel Coward to mind, unbidden.
Donna Barr and Tom Brevoort and Gene Colan and Chuck Dixon and Steve Englehart and Mark Evanier and Steve Gerber and Devin Grayson and Geoff Johns and Karl Kesel and John Ostrander and George Perez and Tom Peyer and Walt Simonson are, all of them, praiseworthy and exemplary individuals; not only as craftsmen (although they rank handily among the finest), but as conscientious and admirable citizens of the online community, in toto.
What Unca's tryin' to say, here, chill'uns, is that -- by and large; way, way more often than not -- your average comics professional brings their best "party manners" with them, online; and are scrupulously mindful of the fact that they are dealing with enthusiastic fans of their work, ninety-nine times out of every one hundred.
Unca bloody sees it, all right?
Unca's... y'know... there; silent and unobserved; wide-eyed and watchful...
... and, honest to God, people: whenever one of you, by way of opening conversational gambit, leads off with a casual "Your work isn't as good as it used to be; what's up with that?"; or "You know, you're just ruining [Inset Name of Comics Title Here]; I used to read it all the time, before you took over"; and end up running over here, wailing that "You won't believe what Mr. Big Deal Comics Professional just said to me, right in front of God and everybody..."
... well: it just takes Unca's breath away, really, is all.
(... and, again -- because there's always that one, out there, who wasn't
paying careful enough attention the first time out -- Unca's by no means
talking about you, if your own interactions with writers, artists or
editors, online, are informed by the everyday dictates of simple, garden variety
good manners and intent. So: kindly spare him, please, the shrill,
pinched denunciations of e-mailed outrage, if you have been bloody
behaving yourselves.)
(... and, because Unca's had to deal with the [frankly] pin-headed objection before, on more than one occasion over the years: No. No. It simply isn't "the exact same thing, really" whenever he smarts off and/or craccks wise here, on his very own bought-and-paid-for web site. The various and sundry comics-related m-e-s-s-a-g-e b-o-a-r-d-s are -- by definition -- designed as great, sprawling communal affairs; the online equivalent [say] of an extended office "cocktail party," where ALL are invited to meet and [courteously, one hopes and prays] interact.
(A privately owned web site, on the other hand -- whether yours; or
Unca's; or the proverbial man in the moon's -- is the cybernetic equivalent
of [again, say] a personally funded performance art piece, staged in
one's own living room. No one wanders in by mistake; the evening's
entertainments fall solidly underneath the heading of "self-expression"; and
anyone coming back a second time does so with the full and complete knowledge
that said casa's host is given over to wearing the conversational equivalent
of a lampshade atop his head when "tipsy," every now and again.
I'm just sayin', here, is all.)
Now: none of the previous, obviously, should be taken as airy advancement
of the notion that there aren't the occasional "bad eggs" out there,
insofar as comics professionals are concerned; desperately unhappy individuals
who (for whatever reason) seem as constitutionally unprepared for the niceties
of civilized contact and/or communication as might be a bear cub, say, for the
rigors of Boolean algebra.
Without putting too fine a point to it, people: these (thankfully) few unhappy and unlovely individuals already have their own hardwon online "reps," really; with scant few but the most obdurately sycophantic (or masochistic) able or willing to endure their company for very long.
Those same two or three names keep popping up, in those e-mailed plaints to Unca, with a monotonous and metronomic regularity. (... and, no: Unca isn't going to point and shout, thank you very much.)
Lookit, people: said wastes of time (to say nothing of precious, life-
giving oxygen) regularly skulk about their own (readily identifiable) blasted conversational heaths; with their own "amen corners" in cheery, addlepated attendence, like so much hard-to-miss online spoor.
Stay out of those particular jungles, in other words...
.... and: you won't end up getting bitten around the bloody cybernetic ankles, as a result.
I mean: there's no hard-and-fast online law mandating that anyone absolutely has to play with the schoolyard bully, y'know.
Again: I'm just sayin'.
Page Three: comin' right up.
Bride of the Mail Bag: PAGE ONE
Bride of the Mail Bag: PAGE THREE
"MORE COMIC BOOKS," YOU SAY...?
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