... and then, of course there were the really odd ARCHIE comics and stories.

Back in the middle part of the 1960's, for instance -- when Adam West and Burt Ward were ruling the television roost as the highly-rated "camp" versions of Batman and Robin; super-hero comics were being treated as "pop art" by any cultural maven or opinion-maker worthy of the name; and we all thought the good times were going to last bloody forever (we were so young and foolish back then, weren't we...?) -- the ARCHIE Comics Group attempted to hop aboard the storytelling bandwagon by detailing the (thankfully) never again referenced adventures of Pureheart the Powerful; Captain Hero; SuperTeen; and Evilheart...

... a.k.a. (respectively) Archie Andrews; Jughead Jones; Betty Cooper; and Reggie Mantle. [See page reprodution, below]

In (mercifully) brief order:

*** Archie could transform himself into "Pureheart" by calling upon his "PH Factor" his unique and innate "inner goodness." As Pureheart, Archie was superhumanly strong; (reasonably) invulnerable; and boasted of "four-barrel, super-zoom belt jets," to boot. However being kissed by any beautiful woman caused him to instantaneously lose said gifts; and"the sheer power of the PH Factor blankets the minds of ordinary beings, smothering all memory of the heroic events taking place," thereby ensuring that Archie never received so much as an iota of credit for his own selfless super-deeds.

*** Jughead became "Captain Hero" whenever he uttered a special incantation over his "magic beanie" (it says here). Said cantrip (because I know you'll all just nag me to death, via e-mail, if I don't tell you) was as follows:

"Teenie-weenie magic beanie

Pointing towards the sky;

Bring me muscles; vigor; strength;

Form a MIGHTY GUY!"

Captain Hero's strength was -- God strike me dead if I lie -- "proportionate to the amount of food he smells during a crisis." Whatever that means.

*** Betty Cooper's ultra- identity of "SuperTeen" was (unlike those of the others in her gang) an imaginary one. That is to say SuperTeen was Betty's fantasy/daydream of "the perfect, unstoppable woman" who could foil any Archie- stealing scheme rival Veronica Lodge could cobble up, and smother her carrot-topped heartthrob with will-deadening "super-electro kisses." And stop staring at me like that, dammit; I didn't write 'em.

*** "Evilheart" was -- quite simply -- too impossibly stupid a character to merit a write-up.

Let's put it this way he made Captain Hero look like a good idea.

In the 1970's, Archie was forced to endure several other humiliations endemic to that particular era the nation-wide CB ("Citizen's Band") Radio mania... and HAPPY DAYS.

(If anything stands as testimonial irrefutable, re the enduring strength of the core ARCHIE characters and concept... it is surely this that they have managed to survive total storytelling immersion in the very worst this society has had to offer, over the course of decades. And you don't even wanna see the picture of Archie decked out in a white John Travolta SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER suit I've got sitting right here; believe me.)

A good many of you wrote in to offer comment on one of the pages in this entry, earlier, regarding Veronica Lodge's one-of-a-kind ability to (in Hitchcockian terms) "break the fourth wall" between herself and the readers.

Okay.

I can top that one, actually.

In the 1976 combination story and promotional "puff" piece "A Share of the Happening," all five "core" members of the ARCHIE gang -- Archie; Betty; Veronica; Jughead; and Reggie -- are shown to be well and truly aware of their collective status as imaginary comics characters... and actively involved in their own merchandising (!!).

(The "John" to whom Archie is speaking, by the way, is -- in fact -- his own creator cartoonist John L. Goldwater, who reassures his creation that the various ARCHIE Comics scribes are "not only giving [the readers] bigger and better stories; we're telling it like it is!" Oh, John... you mack daddy, you...)

Reference is also made, in passing, to one of the less fortunate aspects of the worldwide ARCHIE phenomenon the (otherwise) inexplicable chart and sales success of "Sugar, Sugar" and "Jingle Jangle"; both of 'em Top 40 hits, according to standard pop music reference work, Joel Whitburn's BILLBOARD BOOK OF TOP 40 HITS. [See panel reproduction, below]

As a matter of fact the unspeakable happened no fewer than four times, throughout the late '60's and early '70's. According to BILLBOARD Magazine:

SONG HIGHEST CHART POS.DATE

1.) "Bang-Shang-A-Lang".......... #22 11/02/68

2.) "Sugar, Sugar"...................... #1 (... dear God...) 08/16/69

3.) "Jingle Jangle"..................... #10 12/20/69

4.) "Who's Your Baby?"............. #40 03/28/70

... and if that isn't one of the seven Biblical signs of Armageddon, by golly... it sure as heck oughtta be!

Finally no discussion of unsettling, off-kilter moments in ARCHIE Comics history would be truly complete without at least some mention being made of 1994's notorious ARCHIE MEETS THE PUNISHER one-

shot.

An escaped mobster by the name of "Mel Jay" (a.k.a. "Montana Bob," a.k.a. "Freckles") (No, no; that one was 110% On the Level. Swear to Sam Schwartz.) -- who (inexplicably) is a kinda sorta "ringer" for "America's Typical Teenager" -- is attempting to score some much-needed anonymity (from the attentions of police and rival gangsters alike) while hiding out in the sleepy, bucolic little burg of Riverdale.

Pretending to be a non-descript "businessman," Mel spends the greater amount of his time putting some not-so-subtle moves on one of said town's local "hotties" of distinction beautiful heiress Veronica Lodge (whom the distinctly unchivalrous Mel sees -- in his own unlovely parlance -- as "my one-way ticket to Easy Street").

All of this would upset Archie Andrews a good deal more, of course, were he not simultaneously occupied with a far more pressing and immediate concern that of convincing a remorseless and implacable Punisher that he, himself, is NOT the infamous underworld scourge "Freckles."

There is rather a good deal more of the standard comic book "mistaken identity"-type shenanigans and whatnot than might be considered strictly necessary, throughout... but the story does contain a good handful of clever moments (and a few genuinely inspired ones; such as the closing "gag," included here). Well worth the nominal time and/or effort it might take to seek it out in your local comics shop's "back issue" bins, if you've a taste for this sort of thing. (Lord only knows, I do.) Kudos to scripter Batton Lash (he of well-deserved Wolf & Byrd, Counselors of the Macabre fame.

Well I've devoted a full five lengthy pages to examination of the ARCHIE Comics phenomenon... and I find I haven't even so much as touched upon such ancillary matters as Josie and the Pussycats; That Wilkin Boy; and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. I sense (with no little amount of anticipation, commingled with dismay; my "to be done" list grows lengthier and more daunting, seemingly, by the day) that we'll be returning to Riverdale and its surrounding meta-fictive environs again, e'er long.

Until such time as that, however I leave you, one and all, with the following plainchant, learned at the dear, dimpled knee of my sainted, long- departed grandmother:

"Teenie-weenie magic 'puter,

On this work desk made of teak;

Bring me muscles; vigor; strength;

I have more entries to write NEXT week!"

Well... c'mon. She was senile, after all.

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE ONE

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE TWO

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE THREE

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE FOUR