"America's Typical Teenager."

That's how the eternally adolescent Archie Andrews was cover-billed, back in the day. "America's Typical Teenager."

Now, even as a kid... I always had to goggle a little bit at that breathless pronouncement.

I mean let's all engage in a wee bit of painfully honest self-appraisal, here, en masse... shall we?

Okay... show of hands how many of you out there, reading this, spent the greater portion of your teen years being able to enjoy the ongoing ego-boost of having two -- count 'em; TWO -- of the most drop-dead gorgeous women in town scheming and conniving and (sometimes) just plain ol' bare-knuckle brawling with one another in their never-ending attempts to get... y'know... warm with your form?

(Lesse, now... two... four... eighteen... seventy-seven... )

My God, but you're all a shameless and inveterate pack of bald-faced liars.

We're all comic book fans, f'chrissakes! Who's kidding whom, here...?

Let's put it this way, then how many of you self-professed Mel Gibson look-alikes are willing to swear -- right here; right now; in front of God and Miss Grundy -- that you were all dangling multiple babe-olas, and singing lead in a rock'n'roll band...?

( ... two... four... eighteen... seventy-seven... )

Oh, now just stop that.

Okay Truth or Dare, campers:

How many of you had two modern-day incarnations of Venus (one of whom was a zillionairess, for pete's sake); and fronted your own rock band; AND just happened to know a teen-aged, turn-men-into-newts witch; A-N-D spent several of your most formative pre-adult years as A COSTUMED SUPER-HERO? Huh? Howzboutdat? HUH -- ?!?

( ... two... four... eighteen... seventy-seven... )

( ... )

( ... )

... you do know, of course, that you're all going straight to Hell when you die... right?

Fine, then here's a little taste of what you have to look forward to, then, Come the Night Eternal.

Oh, sure. Now you're all good and sorry.

Yup that's what Archie Andrews looked like, back in the pages of his comic book debut. (PEP COMICS #22; December, 1941, to be precise. And here you all probably grew up believing that Pearl Harbor was the worst thing ever to happen that month...) [*rimshot*]

("He hates [the name] Archie, so if you value life and limb, call him Chick." Oh, yeah. Color Me Terrified.)

Long-time love interest (or, rather, one-half of same) Betty Cooper was introduced in this story, as well; the new girl whose family moves next door to Archie's own, and is immediately smitten... big-time. (The overbite. That's what I'm thinkin', here. The nutty dame's got a "thing" for guys who look like something straight outta CHIP'N'DALE'S RESCUE RANGERS.)

Perpetual best friend (and co-conspirator) "Jughead" Jones (real first name given -- at various points, over the years -- as either Waldo, in the cartoons[which would certainly explain the preference for "Jughead"] or, more often, Forsythe in the actual comics [which would certainly explain a life-long heroin habit and a resulting tri-state murder spree]) also made his debut, that issue. Arch(ie)-nemesis and comic foil Reggie Mantle was thrown into the storytelling "mix" a few months later, in PEP COMICS #25; and -- with the addition of ultra-rich, ultra-selfish town debutante Veronica Lodge a month after that, in PEP #26 -- a potent five-way chemistry was finally made complete; one which would entertain and endure for another (do the math) sixty YEARS. Give or take.

... and "entertain," Archie and Company most assuredly have done, over the ensuing decades.

In many ways -- by means of cardinal, bedrock storytelling virtues no longer much valued (or even recognized) by the modern-day comics fan -- the ARCHIE line of comics has, more often than not, served as the medium's most consistent exemplar of the form's chiefest strengths; and as a much-needed reminder of how said medium serves itself best when it serves kids, first and foremost.

(There's been no little amount of foolishness and blather, these past few years, re the few remaining comics publishers of any real note, and of how they've been busily "rediscovering" the secret of publishing "kid-friendly" comics once more. Typically, said "kid-friendly" comics are little more than moderately dumbed-down versions of the very same sort of regurgitated super-hero fare with which the relentlessly obdurate fanboys of the present day are so cozy and comfortable in the first place. Only with... y'know... "animated television"-style artwork, and suchlike. Because little kids absolutely loathe and despise a Kirby; an Infantino; a Buscema; or an Adams. Just like you did, when you were a tyke.)

(That this sort of self-congratulatory back-slapping has yet to result in even so much as a single "super-hero" title which sells anywhere near as well as the standard monthly ARCHIE offering, worldwide...

( ... let's all take a quick look-see how the real experts in "kids- friendly" comics go about their storytelling business... shall we?)

LITTLE ARCHIE (debuting in 1956) has always enjoyed a special (and well-deserved) reputation as an ongoing showcase for How To Do Comics Right, Kids-Wise.

The artwork (by the legendary Bob Bolling, in this instance) is at once both clean and detailed; the vocabulary utilized throughout, readily accessible by any child beyond the toddler stage. (A not-too-terribly-complicated trick the [purportedly] "kids-friendly" offerings from Marvel and DC [as well as their fannish apologists] seem studiedly unable to master or even comprehend, by way of comparison.)

(Don't believe me...? "Shop and Compare," as the supermarket advertisements advise us. Here's a [sadly] representative sample of what the ridiculously out-of-touch fanboys -- both within the industry and otherwise -- genuinely regard as "kids-friendly," nowadays.)

Notice, right off the bat, how the vocabulary employed is well and truly anything but the stuff of a child's grammar and experience. ("surgically- implanted"; "bio-chemically powered"; "pulse-code modulated"; "opportune"; "impenetrable"; etc.)

Notice, too, how the artwork -- in some wholly misguided attempt to appeal to children via a sort of intentional slovenliness -- serves almost as a visual antithesis of the smooth, well-rendered fare which has always characterized both the comics of the Silver Age (in general) and those found within the ARCHIE stable (in particular).

Anyone comparing the two examples, above, who could -- after deliberating on them both -- honestly opine that the latter is in any way "kids-friendly" has either:

a.) never parented a child;

b.) never read aloud to a child; or --

c.) simply doesn't understand children.

... but that's another rant; for another time.

Bob Bolling (who also, incidentally, wrote his own LITTLE ARCHIE tales) was able to employ elements of the fantastic in such a way that the reader never felt they were being "spoken down to" by some well-meaning but (essentially) clueless adult. Whether detailing an adventure in outer space; the mists of pre-history; or a dream-like fairy tale tableau... he never once lost sight off the fact that his intended audience was scarcely any older than his title's protagonist. No reader had to pester Mommy or Daddy as to "... and what does this word mean?"; no one who truly wanted to make the journey with him was left behind.

At the end of the fondly-remembered "On Mars", Little Archie attempts to convince his skeptical parents that his marvelous adventures on The Red Planet were something more than the airy fancies of childish slumber.

"Little Archie," his mother laughs, indulgantly. "I think you've been watching too much television!"

"Oh, no," the tyke replies; his wide-eyed countenance bathed in the eerie electronic flickering of said device's glow as he stares at it, nervously. "It's the television that's been watching ME..."

Again there's an undeniable art to this sort of thing; like ballet, or jazz. It certainly looks as if it'd be simple enough to do

Dexter Taylor was yet another writer/artist who had the rare and magical gift of treating his readers as if they weren't some terrible collective burden or nuisance to be stoically endured.

Whereas Bolling's stories were wild, sweeping, mood- drenched affairs... Taylor's open and expressive offerings were very much rooted in the here and now. The fateful first encounter with the lumbering schoolyard bully; the trauma of the first grade school dance; or (as in the pages accompanying and below) the heartbreak of Coming Up Short In the Big Ball Game were Taylor's storytelling meat and potatoes.

Again "talking down" to the readers was something which simply was not done, so far as the ARCHIE Comics scribes of the day were concerned. Characters experienced pain and grief and loss in between the pratfalls and the one-liners...

... but the vocabulary with which they were so effortlessly articulated never inched itself away from that of the typical child's guileless expressions of open, honest sentiment; and the artwork was often as evocative and effective as any to be found in the Silver Age entire .

These were the sort of comics to which children -- and by "children," I mean eight-; nine-; and ten-year-olds; those who are still reading (and enjoying) THE MOUSE AND THE MOTORCYCLE and HARRIET THE SPY and WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS, in other words -- have always gravitated, when afforded the oppportunity.

They are as one with the works of Carl Barks (UNCLE SCROOGE, etc.); of Otto Binder and C.C. Beck and Mac Raboy (the original CAPTAIN MARVEL and CAPTAIN MARVEL JUNIOR; FATMAN, THE HUMAN FLYING SAUCER); of Jack Cole (PLASTIC MAN); of Sheldon Mayer (SUGAR AND SPIKE); of Nick Cuti and Joe Staton (the original E-MAN); of Ogden Whitney (HERBIE); and of Jack "King" Kirby and Joe Simon (THE NEWSBOY LEGION; BOYS' RANCH; etc.).

They are -- in other words -- comics conceived; executed; and published for kids.

There was a time when we still remembered how to do that sort of thing.

There was a time when we weren't enbarrassed to admit that we still read and enjoyed that sort of thing, as well.

Page Two of IT'S ARCHIE'S WORLD (... we all just live in it, is all) comin' right up.

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE TWO

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE THREE

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE FOUR

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE FIVE