Okay.

This is (almost assuredly) the sort of thing most of you are thinking of, whenever I type the words "ARCHIE Comics."

Archie; Jughead; Betty; Veronica; and Reggie. "The Gang." Riverdale High. Love triangles and "Pop's Choklit Shoppe" and Big Moose and Big Ethel and Archie's eternally just-this-side-of-total-shuddering-collapse rattletrap old jalopy.

Let's talk about some of that stuff, for a moment or two.

It's easier, of course, for the writers of the standard, mainstream cape-

and-cowl stuff. Nowadays, in particular.

They can (and often have) coast and slide for -- oh, golly -- years and years and years without ever having really mastered the fine, rare art of replicating dialogue which rings "true" to the reader's inner "ear."

They can (and often have) made nice, tidy little careers for themselves, frog-marching their (putative) "characters" from one hysterical and overblown multi-issue "crisis" to "crossover" to "event," without ever having learned the knack of telling a complete (and satisfying) tale in but a scant six; eight; or ten pages. Tops.

(... and by "tale," I mean precisely that a full-fledged, "for real" story. With a premise; a resolution; and a theme. As opposed to -- oh, say -- some dreary, pointless little "From the Secret Files of [Fill-In-the-Blank]" five-finger exercise. I'm just sayin', is all.)

The ARCHIE comic books, by way of comparison -- not having the handy auctorial crutches of a cosmos-shattering this or an "In This Issue! The Tragic DEATH of -- !" that -- have always had to "make do" with but a single arrow in their storytelling quiver:

Characterization.

The ARCHIE Comics "Gang of Five" have (for very nearly as your doddering and decrepit Unca Cheeks has been alive) been the most well-rounded and consistently engaging characters to be found anywhere in the comics medium.

Let's start with Archie's bestest buddy the laconic (and studiedly iconoclastic) "Forsythe P. Jones" -- a.k.a. Jughead.

Jughead ("Juggie" to his friends) is one of that rarest of four-color fauna a genuinely likeable lout.

He is an unabashed (and unapologetic) misogynist. ("I hate all dames. They're nothing but trouble... especially when they're not trying to be.")

He is a pig and a glutton. ("I do not celebrate President Garfield's birthday by eating!" "James Madison's...?" "That's different.")

He is so lazy and indolent that he has not (as was revealed in the course of one particularly funny and memorable tale) "cracked open a school textbook since the first grade"; relying, instead, on a well-honed photographic memory to score an effortless series of "A"s and "B"s which mean nothing whatsoever, so far as he is concerned.

Bereft of cash enough to afford a single hamburger at Pop's (his favorite place to eat in all the world), he has cadged and conned and ruthlessly conspired against even those whom he counts as his truest friends (i.e., Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper), without even the the slightest scintilla of discernible shame...

... and yet, inexplicably he is one of the two most oddly sympathetic and endearing characters of the ARCHIE mythos.

A perfect example of this character's low, native cunning and willingness to manipulate may be found in the classic tale "Switch," courtesy of writer/artist Sam Schwartz.

Archie and Jughead have just spent an enjoyable afternoon watching a television broadcast of the cinematic masterpiece Gaslight a film in which a ruthless and immoral Charles Boyer attempts to drive an increasingly terrified Ingrid Bergman insane, by causing her to doubt the veracity of her own memory and senses.

"You've got to be awfully clever to make somebody doubt their own sanity," a pensive Archie muses.

"Not if you have it set up the way he did," Jughead quickly counters. "He was a man! She was just a dumb ol' woman!"

(Actually -- if you read even a few of those old '60's LOIS LANE comics -- that's pretty much the way the bizarrely condescending and paternalistic Superman saw things, as well. The only real difference, here, is Jughead was honest enough to openly confess HIS worldview.)

An exceedingly hacked-off Veronica Lodge shows up at this point, furious that the perpetually forgetful Archie has (unintentionally) stood her up for a previously arranged date. Grinning daemonically, the woman-hating Jughead immediately endeavors to extricate his pal from this particularly sticky wicket...

... by attempting to convince a rattled Veronica that he is actually Archie; and vice-versa.

("What have I got to lose?" a sweating and desperate Archie quickly concludes. "She's angry enough to kill me anyway." And, thus the storytelling die is cast.)

With the preternaturally shrewd con artist orchestrating the affair entire ("How do you feel, love?" he murmurs solicitously, as the dizzied debutante's doubts begin to multiply and swell. "Have you been working very hard, lately? Getting headaches? [...] Tension does weird things to people, you know..."), Veronica soon begins to take up the chant herself, in turn. ("Have I been... you know... acting... errrrr... strangely...?")

Unfortunately for both the snickering Jughead and his carrot-topped comrade there are two natural born con artists working this particular room.

A gushingly grateful Veronica attempts to reward her "Archiekins" by smothering him with fervent kisses... and a nauseated Jughead bolts from the house at something just under Mach One. ("Sorry, Archie! That's asking too much! Not even for you will I be kissed! You're on your own!")

... and -- her teeth bared in a suddenly feral smile -- the equally Machiavellian Veroinca pivots smoothly towards a terrified Archie and purrs, chillingly:

"Now... where were we? Ah, yes! While being stood up, I was watching an old movie! Have you ever seen Gaslight...?"

The cunning (and self-adoringly slinky) Veronica -- no mean slouch, she, in the ways of bending others to her adamantine will -- is worthy of her own section within this article, as well...

... but first, I want to discuss Archie Andrews' other "best friend"; the one so slavishly devoted to his every wish and whim that she would sooner machete both her own arms off than attempt to bamboozle or exploit him.

I refer, of course, to the unfailingly good-hearted and resourceful Betty Cooper.

It was (literally) love at first sight for the hopelessly smitten Betty; and -- over the course of six decades -- there has never been even the merest hint that her unswerving dedication to the goal ultimate of Making Archie Andrews Mine Mine Mine has ever flagged or faltered.

Call it "obsession," if you like; but for the perpetually starry-eyed Betty... it's predestination. Plain and simple.

(In point of fact no lesser an authority on the subject than ARCHIE creator John L. Goldwater, himself, had this to say when interviewed back in 1980 and asked, point blank "Who will Archie marry someday -- Betty or Veronica?"

(His Eminence did reply "Betty, the nice girl-next-door, is the kind of girl Archie would marry if he ever got married." Period. So, you see the girl is stone correct, after all. It truly is predestined.)

Now under normal circumstances, a resolutely adoring blonde knockout shouldn't have (and, most likely, wouldn't have) any major difficulties in securing the undying affections of her personal teen idee fixe...

... unless, of course, she had to contend with an equally gorgeous, ultra-ultra-rich (and shrewdly calculating) brunette ubervixen by the name of "Veronica Lodge."

Then, there might be some occasional fireworks, I'll grant you

The two women were (and continue to be, to this very day) equally matched for this particular (and, often as not, peculiar) Battle of the Belles. Betty could cook anything Archie's heart desired, and knit or sew him anything up to full battleplate armor; Veronica was the only woman in Riverdale capable of burning a bowl of cold cereal, and (in all likelihood) had never even seen a sewing needle.

On the other hand, however Veronica could entertain her red-headed Romeo while lounging by her own private, heated, Olympic-sized swimming pool; or whisk Archie away to remote (and romantic) island getaways, via her own private jet (complete with her own private pilot, on automatic twenty-four hour call); no small advantages, these.

Whereas the seductive Veronica preferred the wiles of passion to ensnare her hapless prey, however ("Every time I kiss her," Archie once observed, "I get a fever blister!"); the dogged and determined Betty scored her own "points" by being able to relate to Archie on a more ordinary, everyday level... even to the extent of taking up (and enjoying) his own hobbies, such as (say) tinkering with old automobiles.

Just try imagining the meticulously clothed, exquisitely coiffed Veronica slithering around underneath some broken-down old rust bucket, in vain and hopeless search of its leaking oil pan... and you'll begin to understand (and appreciate) the wisdom inherent to the formidable Ms. Cooper's approach.

Occasionally, Betty's (let's bring the word out into the open, shall we?) obsession with her (frequently) oblivious next-door neighbor was exaggerated for humorous effect...

... but by and large... she was most often treated by the various ARCHIE writers, throughout the years, as the sanest and most level-headed member of the gang; the one you'd instinctively turn to, in times of trial or desperation.

Veronica (as mentioned, previously) merits her own closer look, as well; and we'll be doing precisely that -- as well as examining some of the more... ummmmm... "off-beat" aspects of the ARCHIE canon (Archie, Betty, Jughead and Reggie as costumed super- heroes? Archie and Betty as religious icons? The Archie gang as real-world business magnates -- ?!?); and ruminating a little, as well, on how the ARCHIE comics have held up an interesting sort of "mirror" to the changing times and American cultural mores -- right here, next week.

In the meantime, however whichever one of you little dears has been sitting there and humming the tune to "Sugar, Sugar" over and over again, throughout all of this...

[hefts lethal-looking snub-nosed revolver; sets to twirling it by the trigger guard, ominously, on one outstretched finger]

... come and see Unca Cheeks after class.

Immediately.

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE ONE

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE THREE

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE FOUR

"It's ARCHIE'S World (... we all just live in it, is all)" PAGE FIVE