>>Jokes
Okay I'm too lazy to make the links where you just click and you'll goto another place on the page so here's what you do, ctrl+f then enter the name of the joke you want to read, if any? Not much here, browse if you wantTitles:
Answering Machine Messages
Planning WWIII
Two Cow joke
Puzzled President
Assasin Opening
A blonde and a library
Cheney and Bush
10 reasons to impeach Bush
Burning Bush
*Answering Machine Messages*
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am John's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is John. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
*Planning WWIII*
George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
"We are making up the plans for World War III",says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
"We're gonna kill 4 Billion Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused.
"One...dentist?" He says. "Why will you kill one dentist?"
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."
*Two Cow joke*
A christian democrat
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A socialist
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
An American republican
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
An American democrat
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A communist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A fascist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Democracy, American style
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Capitalism, American style
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Bureaucracy, American style
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
An American corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A German corporation
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A British corporation
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
An Italian corporation
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Russian corporation
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A Brazilian corporation
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
An Indian corporation
You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A Chinese corporation
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
An Israeli corporation
There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
An Arkansas corporation
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
*Puzzled President*
Cheney gets a call from his boss, W. "I've got a problem," says W.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies W.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
*Assasin opening* A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assasin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," said one of the CIA men, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes, "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with the chair!"
*A blonde and a library*
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
*Cheney and Bush* One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
*10 reasons to impeach Bush*
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words... Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.
*Burning Bush*
Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.
At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.