Fear. That's what my life has been about. Fear and loneliness and my own inability to get what I need.

You wouldn't think it would be so hard. What's hard about life? Get up; eat; work; play; enjoy the sun. It's easy.

What's hard is talking to people. Making friends is difficult. Forgiving my husband is very hard. Understanding what life is all about is utterly impossible.

My name is Charity. In this journal I talk about both sides of my life, light and dark, happy and unhappy, the side I show and the side I can't talk to anyone about.

As a grown-up I'm supposed to have things under control. I'm supposed to be someone my children can emulate. I'm supposed know where I'm going and what it's all about.

I don't know any of that. Here I am with my life half over, still wondering when the fear will go away.