Fan Fiction
TITLE: And This is How I Feel
AUTHOR: Angela Drews
RATING: PG-13
CODES: C/T
DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Paramount. I wish I had hundred dollar bills falling from my pockets.
SUMMARY: Sequel to "Beginnings." Chakotay and Tuvok are missing from their away mission. Can B'Elanna cope?
B'Elanna fidgeted. Two hours had gone by and the shuttle had still not reached the rendezvous site. It seemed every second that went by took an eternity. She stood there in the mess hall, staring out at the stars as if she thought she might be able to spot them quicker than Voyager could scan for them. Everyone working on this was very capable, but she felt helpless. She should be in engineering right now doing...something. Anything. But there was nothing more to do and the captain suggested that she take a moment and compose herself. True, she had be acting a little irritable with everyone, but she couldn't help it. She was irritated at Chakotay and Tuvok for not being there on time. Being mad at them for not being there helped keep the fear that something had stopped them for returning at bay. And normally she wouldn't be this nervous after only two hours, but she had a bad feeling about this for some reason. Something wasn't right and Chakotay and Tuvok were out there without Voyager to protect them. Best to stay angry at them for being late. She shook her head and frowned.
"Of all the stupid..." she mumbled to herself, getting more irritated and nervous each passing moment.
"Hello, B'Elanna," she heard Neelix say as he entered the mess hall. "I hadn't realized anyone was here. Is there something I can get you?"
B'Elanna frowned and continued her search. "I don't think so, Neelix."
He came to stand by her. "So many of them," he commented.
She turned. "What?" she asked, as if shocked that he wasn't as nervous as she. He was irritatingly calm. She was on pins and needles.
Neelix didn't mind. He nodded towards the stars. "So many stars. We'll find them." He touched her shoulder and she was even irritated at that.
B'Elanna went back to her search with a muttered, "And I'll kill him."
Neelix didn't pursue what she was talking about, only retreated to his little kitchen to begin lunch. Dinner. She and Chakotay were supposed to have dinner tonight when he and Tuvok returned. They would. They still would. B'Elanna forced herself to take a deep breath. Everything was fine. Everything would work out fine. Except she was going to kill Chakotay when he returned. She just didn't know if she'd be hitting him or drowning him in kisses. Maybe a mix of the both. Now that she and he had been hanging around together more often she was used to having him right there when she wanted him. She could cry on his shoulder or pretend to not notice his friendly flirting, laugh with him about old times or punch his shoulder for making her mad. And now this. He was off, taking his time somewhere with Tuvok and making her worry like this. He was going to get an earful when he returned. She was good and angry now...and keeping the fear down.
B'Elanna was very quiet at dinner. Tom and Harry kept exchanging looks and watching her. It was only a matter of time before..."B'Elanna, are you ok?" Harry asked the question with concern in his eyes.
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "I'll live."
Tom took a bite. "They're out there."
She took a breath. "Yeah. Out there. They could be dead and crashed on some planet surface but at least they'd be out there, huh?" She absently stirred the contents of her plate. "What the hell is going on, anyhow? What exactly is being done now to find them?"
Paris and Kim took breaths. "The same thing that was being done an hour ago. We're scanning every region, B'Elanna," Harry said soothingly.
That only made her angrier. "Why isn't the captain doing more to find them? Doesn't she care that they are out there?" She sighed.
Tom set his fork down. "B'Elanna, we're doing everything in our power. Do you want her to get into a space suit and go swimming through space to find them herself? You've got to calm down. We need you to help us find them and you've got to keep a cool head, B'Elanna."
She cleared her throat as if to speak, but evidently changed her mind. Throwing a tantrum wasn't going to solve anything. Nothing would solve anything. What had happened to them? Each hour that passed made the situation that much more critical. "I'm sorry," she said softly, trying to keep her emotions from exploding into a screaming match. "I just wish we knew something. This is so frustrating." She wrung her hands and sighed. "I feel helpless. Where the hell are they?"
Harry took a sip from his cup and stared out at the stars wishing he could find the answer to that. "We'll find them."
B'Elanna nodded. She had to agree. To allow the doubt to creep in would only make her nerves worse. Chakotay and Tuvok were out there, alive and trying to get home. She looked down at her plate, noticing that her hand was shaking. I've got to stop thinking or I'm going to lose it, she thought angrily, wishing to God they could find them. All the while they waited all she could imagine was Chakotay's laugh, his friendly eyes. She wanted to bang her fists on the table every time she thought of not seeing that ever again. She had to keep a straight head. Sitting here being angry wasn't going to solve anything. It had moved past using anger to push the fear away. Now she was trying to calm herself enough to keep both away. Looking at her plate, she decided she wasn't very hungry after all. So she stood, said a quick good-bye, and left them.
Harry sighed. "I'm worried about her. Worried about Chakotay and Tuvok."
Tom nodded. "I know. B'Elanna's taking this pretty hard. I've never seen her so nervous. I just hope we find them soon or sickbay might start filling up with people she's hit out of irritation."
Harry smirked and shook his head. "This is serious."
Tom shrugged innocently. "So was I."
B'Elanna tossed and turned as she slept. The day's stress had taken it's toll on her and when she finally calmed herself down enough to sleep, she was visited by strange dreams that bothered her...
...He smiled at her and motioned towards the sky. "Look around, B'Elanna. Isn't it beautiful?"
She looked at the sapphire sky and the perfect grassy hills and trees that swayed softly in the wind. It was so beautiful. She nodded. "Where are we?"
Chakotay didn't answer. He only smiled at her and pulled her into him to kiss her. It felt so warm and sweet. Her heart ached as he kissed her and held her gently. "Stay forever with me."
She looked around. Something about this wasn't right. She shook her head, trying to puzzle it out. "Where are we, Chakotay?"
He smiled and took her head, leading her to a nearby willow tree. With a sparkle in his eyes he pushed her back against the tree and kissed her again, this time with more fire and passion. This time more than her heart ached...her entire body ached. When he pulled away she hugged into him, closing her eyes and enclosing her senses in his warmth and scent. And then she noticed something. He wasn't in uniform. "B'Elanna," he said so softly she questioned if he'd really said it or if she'd just imagined it. "I love you." She looked up into his eyes and saw the truth of his confession written in his brown eyes.
She kissed his lips softly and whispered, "I love you." But something still wasn't right. She glanced around. "Where are we?"
He smiled secretively. Kissing her hands and nuzzling them, he whispered, "You don't know how much that means to me."
She was getting frustrated now. "Chakotay, please answer me. Where are we?"
He backed off and spread his hands. "Heaven?" he said, still smiling...
...The shuttle had gone down and Tuvok woke up. The logical thing to do was examine his injuries, then check on Chakotay, and assess the situation. Tuvok didn't seem to be widely injured. His wrist was broken and he had sustained a few cuts and bruises, but nothing serious. So he stood and went to where Chakotay lay on the floor. "Commander," he said, shaking the first officer. "Commander?" He checked for a pulse. He lowered his eyes for a moment and was silent. Then he grasped a nearby cloth and draped it over Chakotay's face. Chakotay was gone...
...B'Elanna awoke with a gasp and sat up. "Computer, lights," she said, catching her breath. Looking around re-affirmed that she had only been dreaming. No...it couldn't be true. Chakotay was not dead. B'Elanna fought for air as the tears flooded her face. It was overwhelming, all the emotions she was feeling at once. She could feel miles between them and a barrier that they could never cross. It made her ache to think of never seeing him again. He couldn't be gone. He couldn't leave her like this. And then there was the kisses and feelings. She could feel it on her lips as if it had been real and it made her want to wrap herself into him and cry. Instead, she lay down, curled in a ball and crying. For him. She stared across her room at the wall and thought, Please, come home. Where ever you are, fight to get home to me damn it! I need you.
Chakotay sighed and looked up at the dimming lights. The attack had been a strange one. From out of no where the ship came and fired a beam upon them, knocking out their systems one by one. Temperature controls, shields, weapons...all gone, one by one. Then the aliens fired a shot at them that knocked them an indeterminate distance from where they'd been and left them. He and Tuvok had tried everything they could to repair the damage, but it was too late. The systems kept shutting down, one by one. All they had left now was dimmed lights. He glanced over at Tuvok who was no doubt meditating. I should be doing that, Chakotay thought. But it wasn't in him. All he could really think about was his life and the loose ends he'd left untied. Mostly B'Elanna was what concerned him. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her, but now he might never get the chance. Not in person, anyway. But he could tell her via message. Taking a breath, he grabbed a data padd and began to key in a message that would upload itself into her personal terminal in her quarters once Voyager got close enough.
B'Elanna,
Well, the last thing anyone plans for is death. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry with me for not returning home. Forgive me for missing our dinner and not being there to run with you in the morning. I miss you already. There are a lot of things I wanted to say to you...things I wanted you to know. I love you. In the course of our time on Voyager I've come to realize that you mean much more to me than I'd ever known. I wish I could touch your face one last time. But things happen for a reason. It's just my time. Don't be too angry and upset. You know I'll always be with you. You're a good engineer and a good person. I love you, B'Elanna the human, B'Elanna the Klingon warrior, B'Elanna the engineer who sits up late with data padds all over her bed. Watch over the crew for me.
Chakotay
Taking a deep breath, he set it to send and said, "Are you going to send any personal messages?"
Tuvok immediately opened his eyes and said, "Yes. I should attend to that now." He picked up the data padd and began to key in his message. Chakotay smiled. Tuvok's message would be clear cut, short and to the point. Some things would never change. About two minutes later Chakotay was proved right when Tuvok set the padd down.
"Maybe there's still hope. Maybe Voyager will find us." Chakotay looked down at the carpet.
Tuvok didn't move or look up, only said, "The chances of that are indeterminate at best, but I predict low odds that we will survive this."
Chakotay chuckled. "Always optimistic. Well, I suppose things could be worse."
Tuvok rose his eyebrow slightly and said simply, "Indeed."
Chakotay looked around. It wouldn't be long now. He sighed, thinking of her face again. He missed her. He wanted to touch her just once. See her smile a last time. Anything. But all he had were his memories. And that's all she would ever have of him. Then suddenly he and Tuvok were thrown into darkness. "Well, that's it," Chakotay announced grimly.
B'Elanna blinked back the tears as she listened to her captain. "It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we've lost two of Voyager's finest crewmembers. Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, two of my personal friends, have been lost. As you know, we were scheduled to meet them three days ago and we haven't heard from them since they left for Zhari II. Everything was done to see they were recovered, but we've found no trace of them. While we will continue searching every system and planet we pass, but we must move on and try to do what they would have wanted us to; reach home. Memorial services are being planned by Mister Neelix and myself and we will keep you informed as to when they will be held. While tragic our loss is, it's important to remember that we have a goal that we must strive for. Home. Janeway out."
B'Elanna wiped her cheeks and turned her back to those in engineering. So it had finally ended. The search was over. She wanted to find a safe and secluded corner and hide herself from everyone. As it was though, she knew the crew needed to see her be strong. So she pushed her feelings away and buried them where she wouldn't have to look at them again if she could help it. Vorik came to her. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna," he said in his monotone Vulcan way.
"Just leave me alone," she said through gritted teeth. "Don't talk to me now." She was about to explode, so she did the best thing and left engineering and headed straight for the holodeck. "Activate running program delta beta 56." Suddenly there were hills and beautiful scenery. "So is this where you are?" she yelled, angry with herself and with the universe. "Heaven?" She picked up a nearby rock and threw it into the river before her. He was really gone. Never coming home. She threw another rock. She'd never see him smile again. Never hear his laugh. She threw yet another rock. She'd never feel his kiss. When she ran out of rocks she sank to the ground and panted for air, having worn herself out with anger and throwing. What was she going to do?
Harry sat there in silence as he stared blankly at the view screen. He had night shift. What a long night it was too. Chakotay and Tuvok...just gone. He felt bad for B'Elanna. He'd tried to comfort her today after Janeway announced the search was more or less over, but she wouldn't have it. He'd barely made it out of the holodeck before she found a rock to throw. Things felt pretty grim today...tonight. And they wouldn't get much better in the morning.
"Sir," Ensign Seela said. "I'm picking up something on long range scans."
Harry took a tired breath and said, "Increase scan bandwidth and identify."
"Sir," she said urgently. "It's the shuttle."
Harry was off his feet in an instant. "Life signs?"
She pursed her lips. "Two. Very faint. They've lost all power."
"Set course and engage at warp five." Harry ran fingers through his hair.
"Aye," said the helmsman.
Harry sat back down. "Kim to Janeway."
"Janeway here," a very sleepy voice said. "This better be good."
"Oh it is," Kim answered. "We've found the shuttle and life signs."
"On my way. Janeway out."
Harry held his excitement in, trying not to raise any hopes. "Sir, we are within transport range."
Harry nodded. "Get them to sickbay. Computer activate EMH."
B'Elanna stumbled from bed that morning, very tired. She hadn't got much sleep. In fact, she was seriously considering taking the day off. With a yawn and a stretch she reached for her communicator and saw her terminal on. Stumbling over clothes that lay all over the room, she made it to the terminal and read Chakotay's message. By the time she'd finished there were tears streaming down her cheeks. Was she hallucinating? Was this some sort of sick dream? She rubbed her eyes and said, "B'Elanna to bridge."
"Janeway here. B'Elanna, I think you'd better get to sickbay right away." The captain sounded urgent.
B'Elanna fought to keep that little seed of hope just what it was...little. There was no point in hoping Chakotay would be there only to be disappointed. So, she took her time dressing and getting ready for the day, walked slowly down the halls towards sickbay, almost afraid to actually get there. But when the doors stood before her, she knew she had to go in. So, she grit her teeth and went in.
"Oh my God," she said, seeing the two forms on the bio-beds.
The Doctor smiled. "Good morning, Lieutenant. Sleep well?"
"Why wasn't I informed?" she yelled.
"Because," a very weak voice said softly. "I knew you needed your sleep."
B'Elanna raced to where Chakotay lay. "Are you ok? How did they find you? Where the hell have you been?"
Chakotay smiled wanly. "I'll be fine in a day or two. This is going to take some time to explain. I have lots of things I need to explain."
B'Elanna looked down at him. "Well, before you do let me tell you a couple things. First off, I am very angry with you for being late. You worried the hell out of me. Second, I'm very happy to see you are alive and well. Third, I love you."
Chakotay's eyes widened. "You do?"
B'Elanna nodded. "Yes, I do. It took this to make me realize it completely, but I do."
Chakotay laughed. "Well, I knew there was a reason for it to happen. I'm just glad this was the reason."
She smiled and kissed him softly. "Don't you ever do that again," she said, pinching his arm.
"Ow," he said through his smile as he pulled her down for another kiss.
