I sent Teddy an email from Club Polo regarding the conversation we had earlier that evening. Read my log entry for July 29th (29/07/01) to get complete detials. But in short, I spent both Friday night and all day Saturday with Joshua. I hadn't called Teddy in over 24 four hours and I could tell he was upset with me for that reason, but he didn't admit to it. So later that night, from Club Polo, I asked him what was wrong, and this is what he wrote...

Hey you.

Let me start off by saying thank you for the email, Chad. It was very thoughtful of you to take the time to write this, and to be honest about how you are feeling about the situation. I only wish that I could learn to be that open about things because, truly, sometimes its just too hard.. I guess I am just frightened to death.

I also appreciate very much the fact that you're worried about how I am, and I suppose it goes without saying, that perhaps you're more insightful about what I feel than I am, myself. The fact that you sensed the dispair in my voice last night only proves to me that you really do care, and that I should have no reason to be worried or frightened...no reason at all.

I guess, to be brutally honest Chad, perhaps I was upset yesterday. I don't think I realized it at the time, only because I know that for myself, I have a lot of things on my mind right now, and I suppose that it was these things which lead me to believe that I was fine with you...

To give you an idea ------- As the time gets closer, I am getting really stressed about going back to work on Monday. I am not sure exactly why because I really should have no reason to be doubtful. I suppose it's just part of the transition of getting back into a routine, after 4 weeks of having no routine at all. This, coupled with the fact that I feel as if I've wasted my time, not doing the things I planned to do, has only made it worse. I had so many things I wanted to do this month, and I hate to say it, but I accomplished very little. Really, this time off has been more of a stress break for me than a holiday, and well, I feel disappointed with myself that I didn't do what I wanted to do.

As well, and you already know, this living situation has brought me to the point of disgust. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've had enough, and I'm practically on the verge of just giving up. And I guess, really, my only option is to leave, but unfortunately, I don't feel ready to do that just yet.

And well, I guess, in a way, you've been on my mind a lot lately too. And, yes, I was a little bothered by what happened this weekend. I don't know why it upset me, and I feel so guilty for feeling this way. A part of me feels like I have no right to be angry. I suppose I was just disappointed... disappointed, why? Well, I am sure there's a lot of reasons, but for the most part, I guess truly, it's because I take you for granted sometimes, and well, I always expect you to be there......... which is pretty selfish on my part, and I know I shouldn't be doing that....

But, I do find it very difficult, Chad. You've become a big part of me this past while, and it appears I've grown very attached to you, or at least the thought of you. I really enjoy talking with you; it alway makes me feel good inside when I hear your voice. I simply couldn't imagine what it would be like to not have you there; and really, it scares me to death to know that I am going to have to last 5 days next week without hearing from you. I know, it sounds silly, Chad, but it's true.

And I guess, yesterday, well I was expecting to hear from you, and as the hours passed, and still nothing from you, I began to get worried, and eventually it started to really effect me. Knowing this, I realize how much of an influence you've had on me, otherwise, it wouldn't seem to hurt so much. By the time that you finally called, I guess I was relieved but at the same time pretty much fed up by that point.... which would explain what you felt when you talked to me. I am truly sorry if I sounded pissed off; I really didn't mean to. I guess I just missed you a lot, and only wanted to hear your voice..... I remember not wanting to say goodbye to you last night.

So, that's my story. I am really sorry for not telling you earlier, Chad. I just have been so preoccupied with the way I was feeling that I didn't feel like I could admit it to myself, let alone you. I hope you're not upset...... and I hope you know how much I really do miss you. It scares me to think I could possibly feel this way about you, but it makes me happy to know it to.

Anyway, I am going to go lay down for awhile. Writing this email has taken a lot out of me, and I need to sleep for a bit. I wish you were here to make me feel better.

I can't sleep for too long, though, because I have so many things to do before I goto work tomorrow morning.... laundry being one of them. So feel free to disturb me and wake me up. I'd like to hear from you. I miss you lots.

Teddy