I couldn't find a reply to his email. I must have called him within the short time that these two emails were written.

Hey sweatpea..

How's things over there? I hope you're doing ok.. feels like hours since I last talked to you.

I am talking with you right now and you don't seem to be very talkative... well, either do I... I guess I just have a lot on my mind.... and it scares me to know that the majority of it has to do with *YOU*...................

You see, Chad... I've been quite taken back by the way things have been between you and I lately. I really can't seem to understand what is really going on between us, and for the most part, it frustrates me a lot.... because, well, sometimes I am not really sure what you're feeling, and if maybe I am just being crazy for feeling the way I do. It gets to me so much that I feel exhausted sometimes even thinking about it. And it's not a bad thing. It just means that it's very real for me..... and it takes alot of energy out of me to feel what my heart feels.

And I guess this past weekend was the real turning point. It's what really through me for a loop. I felt so weak with desire and couldn't even concentrate. And I am not sure why, but I know that after what happened, if I feel the way I do, then it is real... very real. I can be at peace knowing that it's not just a blunder of my imagination.

And I guess, really, I never imagined that it would have ever come to this....I never thought that I would be sitting hear right now explaining to you how much I've come to care about you this deeply. I suppose things happen when you're least expecting it, but still, I figured it wouldn't be a feeling that would last this long or this strong.

You ask me if I have ever asked myself if this will last forever, and ofcourse, my response is that I certainly want it to... in every way. I think the only thing I want is more clarity... more certainty; so that I know I am not the only one. It scares me to think that I am in this alone. It scares me to think of the unknown.

It's true though.. I've come to depend on you a great deal; waiting everyday for your incredibly sweet emails or hoping that when the phone rings, it'll be you on the other end. It's silly in a way because a part of me feels like a little school girl in love - all giddy and happy. But the truth is that you've made me so happy and when I think of you, I have a smile stretched from ear to ear and it just never goes away.I couldn't imagine there being a day without you in my life.

And honestly, at this point Chad, I don't want there ever to be a day that I don't see you, or hear from you, or read one of your emails. It would sadden me greatly to know that I have lost something this unique and this special, something/someone that makes me feel so good.... I wouldn't know how to let that go. It would be like losing something very close and dear to your heart. I just don't want to feel like that. It's the one thing I fear the most more than anything.

And I'll admit, I am not comfortable with the way I feel right now. Sometimes I feel just like pulling my hair out (although that wouldn't be good). Just trying to make sense of it all is so frustrating. And I am not really sure exactly how it is I feel and if I am wrong for feeling this way. It's just such a mystery. On one hand, it feels too good and genuine, but I can't help but wonder if it's healthy or even proper to let my heart feel the things it's feeling. I know I couldn't even begin to explain this to any of my friends. They'd think I was crazy.

And speaking of crazy, I just had this thought today... well, tonight....I was thinking about you, and thinking about all of the time that we've spent talking with each other, and how much I've learned about you in this short time and when I was talking to you, the craziest thing crossed my mind, and it almost slipped out. I almost told you that I loved you. I feel so stupid for telling you this, because now that I think about it, it is crazy because there's no possible way that I could truly love you; at least not the way I want to. But it just proves how things are making me feel and how utterly confused I am. I think I would have been embarassed completely if I had said it. But that's why I was being so quiet; because I just couldn't believe I was going to say that...and I couldn't understand the turn of events that made me want to say that.

The thing is though, Chad, I don't see why it has to be any different....I don't see why one day I couldn't possibly truly feel that way.... because really, I want so badly for there to be that chance. I trust you completely, and I'd be willing to let go of all my fears and inhibitions in order for you to understand me better.... and for you to have that chance to feel the same way. Likewise Chad... I want you to meet me halfway and trust me wholeheartedly, leaving no barriers between us. I want 'us' to explore this opportunity that has come upon us, to discover things about each other that we only share with the ones we love. I want to someday fly away with you and be able to see inside your soul.

I guess what I am trying to say (like I know), as I sit here wondering if you're asleep dreaming sweet thoughts, is that I want more from you... I want this to continue to be the fantasy it's been for me, and I need you to understand that this is how I feel. It just worries me that you're not feeling the same.

Anyway, it's late.. almost 3am... and well, as if I didn't know that this was going to take me forever, I guess it's time for me to sleep.... I don't know if I'll ever wake up now because I've only got 3 hours to sleep... and I know that I won't fall asleep right away, because undoubtedly I'll be thinking sweet thoughts of you.

(I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, because now that I look back at it, it doesn't really make a lot of sense to me... but I am tired and very confused right now... not sure if I should just erase the whole email and start again tomorrow....but if I do, then you probably wouldn't know what I am feeling.. so I am just going to send it and not even think twice)

I hope you have a great day at work tomorrow.... I'll be thinking of you always..

Waiting for the day,

Teddy