Kieran is a mass of contradictions

Try this: Google search your first name and the word is in quotation marks and sit back and watch. Uffish Chris incorporates this technique into her introductions of performers at WYSIWYG, and the results are often hilarious. These are my favorites.

1. Kieran is suffering from a degenerative brain condition that resembles advanced schizophrenia.
   
2. Kieran is born!
   
3. Kieran is originally from New Zealand, but he fell in love with the U.S. in the 1980s.
   
4. Kieran is keen to avoid "failure."
   
5. Kieran is an elite athlete with cerebral palsy.
   
6. Kieran is an expressive dancer who focuses on percussion, simplicity and grace.
   
7. Kieran is a certified Irish dancing teacher.
   
8. Kieran is a very good actor and very cute, too.
   
9. I am japanese. But!! I very very love Kieran.
   
10. KIERAN IS THE ABSOLUTE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WORLD!
    
11. Kieran is sickly as a result of an inoperable heart defect.
    
12. Kieran is lauded as one of Northern Ireland's dance music kings.
    
13. Kieran is forever beholden to the childless farm couple who raised him.
    
14. Kieran is shocked to find himself deep in lust with Lyric.
    
15. Kieran is now doing very well.
    
16. Kieran is often seen adjusting his crotch (but we never know why).
    
17. When not at work, Kieran spends most of his time with his heart rate over 160 bpm.
    
18. Kieran is a moody young man of Native American descent in the rural northwest.
    
19. The relationship with Kieran is over before it's begun.
    
20. Kieran is not a member of any public groups.
    
21. Kieran is continuing to keep good health although he is complaining of a sore leg at the knee joint.
    
22. Kieran is in charge of writing down the times and is invariably dozing off each time.
    
23. Kieran has a good and fast Indian dribble due to late nights of practising.
    
24. Kieran is something of an unknown quality.
    
25. Kieran is ready for the pool, the beach, or any sun adventure!
    
26. Kieran is also a Notary Public.
    
27. Kieran is missing the point.
    
28. Kieran is put under multiple curses which are driving him crazy (by his own kin).
    
29. Kieran is in prison for sabotage against the Brits.
    
30. Kieran is still a bastard and unable to openly challenge so powerful a knight.
    
31. Kieran is surrounded by the pitter patter of paws 'n' claws.
    
32. Kieran is a real love with beautiful large blue eyes, lovely dark point color, and an extremely sweet disposition, traits she passes down to her offspring.
    
33. Kieran is going to make a heck of a Rock and Roll star one day.
    
34. Kieran is 4!
    
35. Kieran is featured this month in No Depression magazine.
    
36. At school, Kieran is an expert on how cells divide.
    
37. Kieran is another trickster.
    
38. Kieran is a fairly sadistic bastard who actually ASKED me to take the piss out of him.
    
39. Kieran is an elite artist who essentially captures the frame of mind from which he creates his art.
    
40. Kieran is intercepted by a seven-foot humanoid nightmare of glistening meta-ceramic armour and implant weapons.
    
41. Kieran is oblivious to the attentions of Siobhan, the surly assistant at his butcher's shop, until it's almost too late.
    
42. A native of Kansas, 25-year-old Kieran is at the forefront of the newest generation of uilleann pipers.
    
43. It's Halloween and Kieran is dressed as Thomas the Tank Engine.
    
44. Kieran is most well-known for his four years as one half of the O'Kanes.
    
45. Kieran's biography is full of obscurities.
    
46. Kieran is very anti-Japan because he feels acutely that his birth-mother gave him away.
    
47. Currently, Kieran is broadening her dance vocabulary, studying modern dance and exploring Appalachian clogging and Canadian step dance.
    
48. Kieran is an epilepsy ambassador extraordinaire.
    
49. Kieran is an avid surfer who holds down 2 jobs to fund his nefarious waterborne activities.
    
50. Kieran is a funny man, but clearly he hasn’t yet refined his taste for American cuisine.
    
51. Kieran is just so gosh darn photogenic!
    
52. When it comes to clothing, Kieran is a very opinionated girl!
    
53. Kieran is a regular at the popular Gala club and has many bingo friends who are getting ready to vote.
    
54. Kieran is timeless.
    
55. Kieran likes to blend in on his favorite blanket.
    
56. In the end, Kieran is right.