The Horn of Sharnynobl
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Steel Johns
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Westland Story
This is one of Tarak's many amusing parodies.
The Foul Lands - An amazing geographical area which has at least fifteen different evolved races occupying it, not to mention mutations; yet you can ride across the entire thing on a horse in a few days. It has more geographical and weather changes than most planets. Chemical reactants in the soil prevent this place from becoming totally dark at night.
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Maw Gout - An incredible old monster grandmother.
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The Stoned King - Son of Maw Gout, he can�t face reality with her around and spends his time getting buzzed and collecting exotic intoxicants from the Foul Lands. He�s said to possess the Black Opium, legendary for it�s ability to suck in pain and reality, stealing eye focus and misery and brain tissue from those who embrace its pleasures.
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Walkin� Bo - A one-armed drifter who turned up in the Foul Lands amidst rumors of running from a former Healer and a pursuing lawman over some alleged killing of the Healer�s wife in another Land.
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Al-Anon - The last of the Drunks.
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Paranoid - The fortress of the Drunks. A great deal of Drunk Sleep goes on in this place.
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Trissy - A transgendered Elven �Queen� who wandered out of the Fairy Mists one day and has been hanging out with the girls ever since.
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Jair Springer - Friend of Trissy, he plots virtually constant warfare and conflict and serious relationship difficulties among residents of the Foul Lands, at the same time accumulating vast sums of money and hordes of teenage fans.
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Shoe Ohmfoot - A glum, introspective, brooding, Heir of Sharnynobl, glowing with power or something at birth; he searches for the legendary Horn. Some call it the ShoeHorn of Sharnynobyl in honor of his efforts.
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Eureka - Daughter of a troupe of roving gypsy vacuum cleaner salesmen, her dazzling smile is a matter of learning and greed and the Foul Lands� new innovations in dental care.
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Par Ohmfoot- A glum, introspective, brooding, pro golfer struggling to make the tour, he can�t find a comfortable pair of shoes, and goes on a interminable search for the Horn of Sharnynobl.
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Bran Ohmfoot - A glum, brooding introspective, daughter of a breakfast cereal Baron, the snap, crackle and pop of her Wishsound is beyond anything the Drunk Al-alon has ever seen.
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The Oatmaelmord - Drawn inevitably to Bran, this mass of seething, sucking, sentient sugar-coated cereal protects a book, the Joy of Magic, which reaches out to gather in the confused, ambivalent, hesitant, hungry Bran Ohmfoot.
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Stor-A-Lot - City of white-robed storage franchisees, they run pawn operations for magic and other stuff which is left unpaid for in their huts.
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Bromo - the Dark Lord with the immense digestive difficulties. His presence can be felt as a swirling, noxious gathering of foul burps and belches, coalescing into something which no mortal man can stand against without throwing up all over the Foul Lands.
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Shortening - A creature of impossible beauty; grease and child and woman, she seeks the Stoned King and the Joy of Magic both in her quest to discover her humanity and melting point.
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Crisco - Elven warrior and member of the Ham Guard, he loves Shortening with slippery passion and white purity. His heart also melts with the warmth of her presence and all that Drunk Fire.
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Mallardroe - A sorceress duck of indeterminate gender, (s)he swims and roots around in a pond which circles a mountain, eating sticks and small dogs.
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The Grinchpond - A magical creature who sits around in a dirty puddle telling riddles and playing with thousands of stolen Christmas presents.
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Ambergris - Rich and spoiled, she sails the far reaches of the Blue Divide, ever alert for some sign of Moby Jax, a creature so vile and large that they call it the Whales Master.
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Dagwood Mor - A harried not-too-bright demon with a perpetual cowlick and a zany blonde wife who�s a real babe. Their adventures bring pleasure to millions of Foul Landers.
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The Roper - A bow-legged lariat-toting demon whose very presence brings terror to the very hearts of lots of little Foul Lands buckaroos.
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CHAPTER ONE:
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The Dagwood Mor appeared suddenly from nothingness near the Breakwind. Wrinkling his olfactory orfice from the stench, he looked around. A moment later the Roper appeared, twirling his lariat in an attempted figure eight around one gnarled, chaps-covered leg, balancing on a high-heeled boot with his other.
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Then the Changing Room appeared, a creature all of angles and planes and hooks, known for its ability to capture females of all races with effortless ease.
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The Dagwood Mor looked Westward, toward the Hare Flats, but he was not yet ready to test his magic against the savage hordes of carnivorous bunnies which dwelt there. He looked Eastward, toward Abalone. He was hungry. He was not afraid of the Ham Guard, but he was wary of that ancient guardian which stood within the Gardens. The Elvis. That creation of old magics had banished him for so many eons. But the Elvis was weakening. It's dark wavy leaves were getting gray. Soon the King would be no more.
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Meanwhile, Wrendy Ohmfoot paused, tense as her senses tested her surroundings. The apparent daughter of the Ohmfeet, yet she had been raised by a troupe of Rappers. One Rapper, Garth Brooks, the wild distant descendant of a strange union hundreds of years previously between a poetic folk singing sorceress and a popular fantasy writer, had split off from the others, concentrating on Country & Westland, and he had raised her well. Unknown to Wrendy, she was in fact the daughter of a benevolent fast-food Baron, who had named her after a song performed long ago by popular group of Rock Trolls know as the Birch Boys, whose own magic was somehow tied to the Elvis.
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Meanwhile, Ambergris approached the Elvis. She had fled to the Blue Divide, reluctant to learn the secret of her own particular family "tree", but the Drunk had found her and had brought her back against her will.
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He watched now, swaying a bit, as she approached the Elvis.
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The black, wavy leaves were gray now. The silver-white sequined outfit which was draped across the trunk was dirty and tattered.
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Ambergris moved beneath the swaying, pitifully gyrating limbs and branches. Kneeling, she looked up, and felt the gentle touch of a six-string on her shoulders.
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"It's only rock and roll", said the Elvis.
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She began to cry.
This one arose, somehow, out of a discussion of the Moody Blues.
Steel Johns grimaced. Things used to be so simple. Men had been men and women had been whatever men wanted them to be. But that was before the emergence of the so-called �new ideas�, and the eventual emergence of that foul Southern conglomeration, the Femeration.
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Himself a descendant of an undergarment Baron who had come up with the idea of metal underwear, Steel was named after the product itself, which had been very popular among warriors, even though periodic zipper problems had resulted in stories of tragedy and even some horrific tales of drowning.
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In recent years the Femeration had spread Northward, growing in power and influence. If it were not stopped, the entire Foul Lands would be nothing but one huge flower garden.
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He knew of its supposedly �secret� leaders. Mattie, the blonde instigator with virtually endless ideas on how to improve the Foul Lands for the betterment of women. Moron Leaf had been sent to stop her, but that young fool hadn�t even been able to stop the Magic Girl, Shortening, from fertilizing practically the entire Eastland, and now it appeared the young fool was under the spell of Mattie Stewart herself. And Glimmer Doll. She was said to possess immense power.
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Now it was up to Steel Johns and the famed Bordello Legion. He had allies, though, even among the females. There was Bra-nah, a former Madam who ran a string of cheap tanning emporiums.
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Incredibly obese and suffering from far too much exposure to the radioactive elements of her tanning booths, she was often referred to as the Dark Lard. She was no friend of the Femeration.
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And fierce Mallardroe. The Duck Lord. (S)he had not been pleased when the Femeration had subdued the Dwarves; putting old grannies in charge and forcing the men into slavery where they now toiled in misery, making ridiculous fabric-fringed baskets and quilted geese in the brutal though fashionable sweatshops run by their mistresses.
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It was rumored that the Femeration was seeking control of Ambergris, the young Elf Girl, in an attempt to alter the gender of the Elvis itself somehow in some wild gardening magic which undoubtedly came from the treasonous pages of Foul Lands Living.
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Magic had always been a masculine thing, born of the far distant past, perhaps pre-dating the Elvis itself.
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Another magic had existed then. Four wild young irrepressible Elves had appeared one day from across the Blue Divide, and their power was like nothing ever seen before or since. Shea Ohmfoot, distant ancestor of Shoe, had captured them for exhibition in his Stadium; but their power was so immense that nothing could hold them. The Wishsound was within them. Some say they created that impossible magic. It had been their heritage and their destiny.
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Jans, Pe Ell, Jerle and Risca were their legendary names, or so the stories said, and even now many children of all the races bore the names of these creatures of wildest magic. Their magic was beyond belief, but suddenly it had been gone, and now, as has been the case with so many who have lived after that chaotic era, men could only try to Imagine what had once been.
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Still, male magic existed. Steel thought of the Rollingstones. Five pulsating rocks of pure driving power. They had also come from across the Blue Divide, many forgotten years ago. Their magic was very ancient, though not as ancient as the Elvis itself.
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Steel Johns banished such thoughts from his mind. It was war. His ancestors had triumphed in the First War of the Sexes, but new powers existed these days. Even the Ham Guard was recruiting from Elf Girl wannabes from the Fairy Mists.
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He turned his attention to his own girl friend, who sat across the table. He had only met her recently, but she was obviously of the old school; demure and small and submissive and loyal. And beautiful, with her slender dwarven limbs and blue-green skin.
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�I know I can trust you,� he said to her.
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�Of course you can,� Teal responded.
Tarak ended up parodying many of the songs from West Side Story when he started his "new Shannara musical." I'm not able to post all the songs, but here's the dramatis personnae.
Characters:
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Preia - A naive young elf girl, small and very pretty, with lots of colorful dresses and forest colored outfits with razor-sharp swords and knives.
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Roney - A former member of the Juts, he loves Preia, but his different racial background causes problems in their romance, as does the fact that he lives hundreds of years later than she does. He has a switchblade which is beyond belief.
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The Juts - A Southland gang which worships a big cliff.
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The Shrikes - A Westland gang which worships a bird which can change sizes effortlessly. Like the Juts, these guys can fight like demons yet dance like something from the Fairy Mists.
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The Hadeshall - A �meeting place� where the rival gangs get together to dance and rumble and have visions.
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Officer Al - An aging street cop with a financial problems. Homeless, he sleeps in bleak valleys near poison lakes, and on those occasions when he is awake he walks around out of uniform telling everyone tales of doom and ruining his own credibility, as he tries to make peace among the gangs.