A Visit from St. Allanon
-and-
Allanon with Alzheimers
Kirana contributed this parody of the famous C. L. Moore poem to the TB Mailing List during a flurry of parody-making. Apparently she wrote it while studying for a biochem test.
Twas the night before Druidmas and all through the Keep
not a creature was stirring, not even a Squeak;
The stockings were hung on the Hearthstone with care,
In hopes that St. Allanon soon would be there;
The Ohmsfords were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions from wishsongs did dance in their heads;
And Brin in her kerchief and I in my cap
had just settled our brains for a long Druid's nap,
When out in the Vale there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the catwalk I flew like a flash,
tore open door bindings and threw up the sash.
-
The moon on the crest of the Grimpond below
gave a luster of Quickening to Walker Boh,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a sleigh pulled by horses and cats, but no deer,
With a lone black-robed driver forbidding and tall,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Al.
More rapid than Rocs his coursers they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
"Now Artaq! Now Ashes! Now Risk and now Spitter!
On Rumor! On Whisper! On Smoke and on Shifter!
To the top of the Keep, to the top of the Well,
now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
-
As dry Ellcrys leaves before a hurricane fly,
When meet with the Black Watch, do mount to the sky;
So up to the ramparts his moorcats they flew,
With four screaming horses, and Saint Allanon too.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
the prancing and pawing of each pad and hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the Hearthstone Saint Allanon came with a bound.
-
He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot,
And his robes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Flick's bundle of tools he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a Rover just opening his pack.
His eyes-- like Black Elfstones! His cheekbones were craggy!
His face was in shadow, his eyebrows were shaggy!
His wide thin-lipped mouth was drawn tight as a bow,
And the look in his eyes would turn summer to snow.
He was somber and grim, much too tall for an elf,
And I gasped when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A glint of his eye, and a turn of his head,
Made me soon believe I'd be better off dead.
-
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and killed a few Mord Wraiths, then turned with a jerk,
And laying a finger aside his long nose
and giving a nod, up the Hearthstone he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Didn't mean to deceive you, but oh well, good night!"
This one was written upon the suggestion that Allanon was developing Alzheimer's during Wishsong... (don't ask!)
Setting: Chard Rush, Eastland; a clearing near the river. Allanon and Brin and Rone are riding through the woods.
-
AL: "Hmmm, this looks like a good place."
-
BRIN: *looks suspiciously over at Al* "A good place for what?"
-
RONE: "Oh, how I love my sword!"
-
BRIN: *glares at Rone*
-
*they dismount and stand around in the clearing*
-
AL: *with a Druidic expression on his face* "I know something you don't know!"
-
RONE: "I don't care. I don't trust you. I don't trust anything but my handy-dandy Sword of Leah." *starts humming off-key version of 'My Girl'* "My sword, my sword, my sword, talking 'bout... mi-yi Sword... My sword! oo-oooo!"
-
BRIN: *sits down in the grass and rocks back and forth* "We're all gonna die. I just know it. We're all gonna die. Life sucks, and then you die... and then, my friend, you die."
-
AL: *petulantly* "Brin! You've gone and spoiled the surprise!" *pouts, then looks around* "Now, where is that creature anyway? Daddy said it would be here at 3:09, and here it is 3:15 already. Dumb Jachyra."
-
*the bushes rustle, and a red monster face emerges*
-
HORSES: *scream and run off, never to be seen again*
-
BRIN: "Oh, that's just great, now we're going to have to walk." *looks at the Jachyra* "Oh, ick, what is that thing?"
-
RONE: *sees Jachyra and steps in front of Brin* "I'll protect you, my lady!!"
-
*Rone dashes toward the Jachyra, who bats the sword away, where it falls into the river and is carried from view*
-
RONE: *high-pitched scream* "My sword! Oh, no, not my sword!" *falls over in a dead faint from the shock*
-
BRIN: *rolls eyes*
-
AL: *grinning* "Well, it's about time, Jack! You're late!"
-
JACHYRA: *growls, then laughs* "heeheeheeheehee!!!"
-
AL: "Here, kitty kitty kitty!!"
-
BRIN: "Um, Al, that's not a cat."
-
AL: *still grinning* "Sure it is, Brinny! It's got pointy ears, don't it? And nice sharp teeth, don't it? It's just a wee little puddy tat."
-
BRIN: *starts to look worried* "Are you okay, Al?"
-
*Al and the Jachyra fight, etc. Jack dies.*
-
BRIN: *starts bawling* "Oh, this is just like Titanic! Boo-hoo-hooo! Why does Jack always have to die?"
-
AL: *coughing and wincing* "Um, Brin?"
-
BRIN: "Oh, yeah. You all right, Al?"
-
AL: "Just a flesh wound. But just in case it's not, I've decided that you get to carry my trust."
-
BRIN: "Your what? You don't let anyone carry your trust." *remembers Al slapping Rone's hand away when he tried to take Al's trust*
-
AL: "No, not that trust. This just means that hundreds of years from now, one of your descendants is going to hate my butt."
-
BRIN: "But we'll all be dead by then, right?"
-
AL: "Yeah." *smiles one of those ironic Druid smiles*
-
BRIN: "Eh, what the hey, why not?"
-
*Al gives Brin the trust, then summons Bremen*
-
BRIN: *undergoes a mood shift* "You're leaving me? What do you mean you're leaving me? You are NOT leaving me alone with him." *indicates the pile of Rone off to the side*
-
AL: "Later, sweetheart, it's been fun." *disappears*
-
BRIN: *starts pouting* "Oh, this is just wonderful. First we lose the horses, then Mister Show-off Number One has to go and faint, and now Mister Show-off Number Two decides to up and die on me." *continues ranting* "It's getting dark, I'm starving, I'm dying for some chocolate, and darn it, Rone, why don't you wake up?" *starts to kick Rone* "This is just swell. Mister Idiot Boy here is going to wake up and then all I'm going to hear is 'where's my sword? where's my sword?' Maybe I should just leave him here."
-
*stalks out of the clearing, leaving Rone snoring next to Jack's ashes*