The Ilse Witch Project
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An off-topic discussion on the TB Mailing List of The Blair Witch Project happened to coincide both with the announcement of the title of the new Shannara book, The Voyage of the Jerle Shannara: The Ilse Witch (variously reported, incorrectly, as The Isle Witch) and a suggestion that we do more funny stuff on the list. This little round-robin-written screenplay is the result. It was never really finished--I think we all ran out of steam, but it was fun while it lasted.
EXTERIOR OCEAN DAY. ON BOARD A SMALL SHIP.
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(Camera pans jerkily across the deck and rigging, revealing a man in black [WALKER] leaning over the rail facing away from the camera.)
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WALKER
Shades! (gagging noises)
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.......
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MINOR CHARACTER
The stupid map wasn't helping anyway!
So I threw the shaded thing overboard!
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WALKER
(with disbelief)
You what??? You WHAT???? I'll kill you!!! Shades!! *bleeeeep* shaaaades!
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(WALKER rushes to MINOR CHARACTER and begins to attack him. MINOR CHARACTER tries to defend himself.)
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MINOR CHARACTER
Hey! We're lost anyway! You don't know where we are!
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WALKER pauses in his attempt to CHOKE the life out of MINOR CHARACTER and glares.
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WALKER
This is all Allanon's fault!
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MINOR CHARACTER
(quietly, to himself)
Here we go again...
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WALKER
If that son-of-a-shade hadn't got me into this whole mess in the first place with his shading notions on the end of the shading world and how only I and the shading Ohmsford twins could prevent it, we wouldn't be in this god forsaken shade-hole of a hole in the ground place in the first place! Why, I remember the last time this happened! Sure, it was 300 years ago, but it seems like yesterday. I'm such a shading idiot!
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MINOR CHARACTER
Um, sir?
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WALKER
(furiously tightens his grip)
What?!!
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MINOR CHARACTER
(chokes and points)
Iceberg, right ahead!
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WALKER
Iceburg!! (WALKER looks up) Shades!!
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(WALKER throws MINOR CHARACTER across deck, then glares at YOUNG ELF holding camera.)
This is your fault, you shading shade, you were shading supposed to steer this shading thing! Shut that shading camera off.
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(Camera swings around to iceburg.)
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YOUNG ELF
No way gramps, this is gonna make me millions!
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WALKER
Gramps!! You shading shader!!!
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(WALKER attacks YOUNG ELF, knocking him to the deck, camera spins dizzyingly.) MINOR CHARACTER
(shrieks) What about the iceburg!!
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WALKER
(Stops in the middle of a punch.) What now!
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MINOR CHARACTER
The shading iceburg!! You're the shading Great Druid, Do something!!
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WALKER
(Stands up, dropping YOUNG ELF.) Of course I'm the shading Great Druid, don't shading forget it!
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(WALKER gestures at iceburg, the boat slowly turns from its collision course)
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(YOUNG ELF scrambles to his feet)
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YOUNG ELF
Why'd you do that! They would have payed more for a real crash!
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WALKER
(Glares at YOUNG ELF.) You are a shading moron! Shut that shading camera off!!
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*MEANWHILE*
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(ILSE WITCH floats over the illusion of the Iceburg)
Ha ha ha, I knew the fools couldn't tell it wasn't real, now they're heading directly for my island of Murrowindy, then the fun will truly begin!
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(WITCH cackles and flies off)
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*BACK TO THE CREW*
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MINOR CHARACTER (henceforth to be called MIN)
Isn't that the same iceburg we saw yesterday?
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YOUNG ELF (henceforth to be called TOD)
No, it couldn't be... (Focuses camera back on the iceburg.)
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WALKER
It's the same shading iceburg! Shades, shadeshadesshades, it's the same shading iceburg! (Shakes MIN.)
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*silence*
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TOD
so, um....what do we do now?
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MIN
I know! I'll use my Elfstones! (Pulls bag out of pocket and empties contents into hand.)
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WALKER
You shading moron! Those aren't Elfstones you shading idiot! Shades! Those are just a bunch of shading marbles!
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MIN
(pouts) No they're not, you shader! My great-aunt on my third cousin's side gave 'em to me and said they've got mystical powers agains Evil. (stirs them with one finger) There's a blue one, and a clear one, and a couple with little swirls in the center... those are the powerful ones. Shades! You think I shading don't know what I'm shading talking about? I don't see you shading doing anything to get us out of this mess, you shading Great Druid wanna-be. (mutters under breath) shade-hole.
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WALKER
(Glares at MIN) You are such a shading idiot! They're just a bunch of shading marbles, you shade-head! (Knocks MIN's hand, and the marbles go bouncing across the deck.)
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TOD
Hey, hold still, I didn't get that on the camera. (Trips over a marble and falls, jerking the camera about.) Shades! What are these shading marbles doing on the shading deck!
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MIN
(Starts to scream bloody murder.) My Elfstones!! You shading shader!!! (Goes for Walker's neck.)
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*MEANWHILE IN SHADY VALE*
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(The Ohmsford twins, SHEA and SHAE are here. They look strikingly like one another. Plain, somewhat tall and with ears that have only the slightest points. They are 12 years old and are playing some sort of card game inside the Inn.)
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SHEA
Ha! My Charzar beats your wimpy Chastazoid!
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SHAE
Does not!
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SHEA
Does too! (yells) Dad!
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(PARCOAL, a portly man with an inbred mistrust of druids, enters the room wearing his customary sooty face and glare.)
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PARCOAL
What is it?
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SHEA
Shae is cheating!
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SHAE
Yeah! Shea is cheating!
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(A note. Shae and Shea sound the same. However, I won't actually TELL you how to pronounce them)
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PARCOAL
(after a moment of confusion) I don't give a shade. You're both grounded. (He turns and walks back to the kitchen.)
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SHEA AND SHAE
(angry) Now see what you did?!!
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
(somewhat translucent) Shea, Shae! You have to save the world from evil!
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SHAE
Hey, it's Allanon! Walker said he might pop by some time.
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Shea stabs his Charzar card toward the spectre, which is unphased and unamused.
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SHEA
I beat you!
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
Save the world from evil things that dress in black and come from an Ilse!
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SHAE
I don't get it.
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SHEA
We're grounded.
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
You must! Your 1/150 Elf blood says you must!
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SHEA
And the fact that I can incinerate trees with a thought, right?
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
(after a moment) Yes.
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SHAE
Do we get to use a sword? Daddy doesn't ever let us.
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
Fine. Whatever you want.
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SHEA
So, what are these black clothed guys all about? Will you tell us that?
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-SHADE OF ALLANON-
Yeah, right.