The Broken Buttercup of Shannara

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This was contributed by Ryath, from the TB Mailing List, written by her and her friend Marjan, and brings in not only Shannara and Braveheart, but Magic Kingdom. Ryath notes: "Mel Gibson has been suggested as the person who should play Balinor Buckhannah if there ever were to be a movie of Sword. Angus MacFadyen (the fellow who played Robert Bruce in Braveheart) has been suggested as Allanon. Keep this in mind, or you won't understand half of the following. "

"William Wallace and the Broken Buttercup of Shannara"
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Surroundings: A certain well-known, deserted battle-field also known as the Valley of Rhenn. Corpses are piled nine feet high in three rows of five hundred yards long. Shea Ohmsford, Panamon Creel and Keltset are rummaging through the clothes of the corpses, in search of a certain well-known Sword.
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Shea: "Pretty messy around here."
Panamon: *indicates a pile of corpses* "Yeah, and have you noticed how quiet all those people are? Kinda like Keltset, eh?"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Shea: *grumbles something that may be taken as a confirmation, though it may have also been a curse*
Panamon: *indicates a person who slowly approaches them* "Yo, Shea-person! Look over there!"
Shea: *looks over there* "Shee! Who's that? Ugly guy!" *shivers*
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-----Braveheart music starts playing-----
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William Wallace: *slowly approaches Shea, Panamon, Keltset and their piles of corpses*
*talks with heavy Scottish accent* "Everrry man dies (*mumbles under his breath: "so much is prrroven, herrre"), not everrry man rrreally lives!"
Panamon: "Yo, person! Who the heck are you? Isn't it time to get a haircut?"
Shea: *still looks over there*
William Wallace: "Everrry man dies, not everrry man rrreally lives!"
Shea: *still looks over there*
Keltset: *still says nothing, as usual*
Panamon: *groans*
"I'm surrounded by morons!"
*turns back to William Wallace*
"Yo, person, can you give me your name?"
William Wallace: "Aye, that I can. But rrrememberrr: Everrry man dies, not everrry man rrreally lives!"
Panamon: *slowly turns red with rage*
"YO, PERSON!!!! Don't you have something intelligent to say?"
William Wallace: "Aye, that I have. Everrry man dies, not everrry man rrreally lives! Rrrememberrr, this was one of the most intelligent sentences in my with five Oscarrrs rrrewarrrded movie Brrravehearrrt, so maybe we should make it our battle crrry."
*Yells at the top of his lungs*:
"EVERRRY MAN DIES, NOT EVERRRY MAN RRREALLY LIVES!!!!!"
Panamon: *slowly turns back to his normal color again* "No, that's too long. I was thinking more of something like: "Pan, Pan, you're the man. If you can't do it, no one can!"
*makes cheerleading dance*
William Wallace: *blinks*
Shea: *still looks over there*
Keltset: *still says nothing, as usual*
Panomon: "Yo, Braveheart-person! I kinda like you, you seem to be a highway-man like myself."
William Wallace: *slowly turns red with rage* I AM NOT!! You scoundrrrel! How darrre you say that of me! I am a fighterrr forrr frrreedom! I have been torrrturrred to death Forrr Frrreedom, and you call me a highwayman."
*starts singing an old Scottish song:* "You take the high RRRoad and I'll take the low RRRoad, and I'll be in Scotland beforrrrre you! But me and my trrrrrue love will neverrrr meat again, because she was killed by a now-death englishman!"
Shea: *shakes of his daze* Excuse me, person, but who are you? You should mind your manners!"
William Wallace: "William Wallace."
Panamon: "Though he's also known as Braveheart."
Shea: "Braveheart it'll be, then. So, how's your life?"
William Wallace: "Overrr..."
Shea: *blinks in confusion*
"Oh.. I'm sorry to hear that."
William Wallace: "I'm sorry to tell that."
Panamon: *blinks*
Keltset: *blinks, and says nothing, as usual*
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----"For the love of a Princess" starts playing, is then turned off, and replaced by something that is less offensive to Murron: Wallace courts Murron----
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Murron Wallace: *enters battlefield, carrying a small, yellow Buttercup*
*stares at Buttercup*
"I'm prretty surre this Butterrcup is only mostly death."
*walks towards William, and hands him the Buttercup*
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------Braveheart music stops playing, because the record is finished-------
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Shea: *blinks some more* "Get your filthy Scottish hands of that flower!"
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-------NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Shea knew William Wallace to be Scottish. Wouldn't you, if you heard the guy talking with that accent of his?--------
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William Wallace: *shows his famous "William-Wallace-after-insulting-an-english-noble- before-the-battle"-smile-and-look*
"Filthy I am indeed. Scottish I am indeed, as well. But SCOTTISH IS NOT FILTHY!!!"
Shea: "Is!"
William Wallace: "Isn't!"
Shea and Panamon: "IS!"
William Wallace and Murron: "ISN'T!"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
William Wallace: *puts buttercup in his hair*
"THERE!!"
Murron: *smiles at William Wallace.*
William Wallace: *smiles at Murron*
Nightshade: *peeks around the corner of a pile of corpses*
"Oh, what a lovely Buttercup! Much better than when it still was that sword!"
Keltset: *turns towards Nightshade*
Shea, Panamon: *turn towards Nightshade*
"SWORD????"
William Wallace, Murron: *turn towards Nightshade*
"SWORRRD????" King Menion: *runs across the battle-field* I'M THE KING OF THE POSTER BOARD KINGDOM! LEAH, LEAH, I'M THE KING!!!!"
Panamon: *turns towards King Menion* "No, person! That should be: "Pan, Pan, you're the man, if you can't do it, no one can!"
William Wallace: "FORRR FRRREEDOM!"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Shea: *blinks*
Nightshade: "Yes, that ugly, filthy, stinky, hated, detested, pathetic, smelly, bad, annoying, creepy, crappy, bitchy, stupid Sword of Shannara.
Did I mention "ugly", yet?"
All of the above-mentioned, with the exception of Nightshade: *turn back towards Nightshade*
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-------Dragonheart-music starts playing------------
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Strabo: *lands on battlefield*
Meeks: *jumps from Strabo's back*
Strabo: *tries to singe Meeks, but fails because King Menion accidently runs in front of him*
King Menion: *is ablaze*
"I'm the King of the Po...."
*gurgles*
*is quiet*
Meeks: *jumps towards William Wallace, and draws the Buttercup out of William Wallace's hair.*
"Gimme that!"
William Wallace: "Eh! How darrre you!"
Murron: "Keep yourr hands of him, he's mine!"
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------"For the love of a Princess" starts playing--------
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The Princess of Wales: *enters the battle-field*
"0h no, he isn't! He's MINE! N'est-ce-pas, William, mon ch�ri?"
William Wallace: *blinks*
Murron: *strides towards the Princess of Wales*
The Princess of Wales: *walks towards Murron*
Murron: *spits at the Princess of Wales*
The Princess of Wales: *spits at Murron*
Murron: *kicks the Princess of Wales against her left leg*
The Princess of Wales: *kicks Murron against her right leg*
Murron, The Princess of Wales: *start figthing*
William Wallace: "Everrry man dies, not everrry man rrreally lives*
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Shea: *blinks*
Panamon: *looks at Meeks*
"Yo person, what are you doing with that Buttercup?"
Shea: *stops blinking* "Give that back! That's my heritage, it is, it is, it is!"
Meeks: *laughs evilly*
William Wallace: *sighs* *knocks Meeks on the back of his head*
Meeks: *turns around, and charges at William Wallace, trying to use the Buttercup as his sword*
William Wallace: "Forrr frrreedom!" *slashed at the Buttercup with his own Sword*
The Buttercup: *breaks*
Meeks: *stares at Buttercup and stops laughing*
Shea: *stares at Buttercup and starts crying*
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Murron, The Princess of Wales: *are fighting*
Balinor Buckhannah: *enters battlefield*
Murron, The Princess of Wales: *stop fighting*
*stare at Balinor*
*blink*
*stare at William Wallace*
*blink*
*stare at Balinor again*
The Princess of Wales: *blinks*
"Hey! William Wallace in nicer cloths!"
*walks towards Balinor*
*smiles*
"Hi handsome! Oh, nice scar!"
Balinor: *blinks*
William Wallace: *blinks*
Murron: *smiles*
"Good!"
Allanon: *enters battlefield*
William Wallace: *stares at Allanon*
"My, my, my! Rrroberrrt, my pal! How's life? Getting on with yourrr kingship yet?"
Allanon: *doesn't blink, or maybe he does. Hard to say, with that cowl of his*
*looks at Shea*
*speaks in Allanonnic-tone-of-voice* "Shea! Take the Sword!"
Walker Boh: *enters battlefield*
"Don't do it, Shea! He's a druid! The Druids have always used the Ohmsfo..."
*starts reciting his anti-druids-speech*
Balinor: *smiles at the Princess of Wales*
The Princess of Wales: *smiles at Balinor*
William Wallace: *smiles at Murron*
Murron: *smiles at William Wallace*
Balinor: *puts his arm around the Princess of Wales*
Balinor and The Princess of Wales: *leave battle-field*
Meeks: *takes both halves of the Broken Buttercup*
*jumps on Strabo's back*
Strabo: *soars upwards*
Shea: *stops crying and blinks*
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Allanon: *evaporates into the air*
Shea: "SHADES!!"
Allanon: *looks at Shea*
"Yes, did you call me?"
Shea: *blinks*
The Shade of Allanon: *disappears*
Panamon: *looks after Strabo*
"AFTER HIM!!!"
King Menion: *groans*
Walker Boh: *stares at the spot in the air where Allanon stood only moments ago*
"See? They ALWAYS disappear if you need them. Druids! Phah!"
William Wallace: "Everrry man dies, not ev..."
Panamon, Shea: "SHUDDUP!!!"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual, but gives an approving nod*
Nightshade: "Uh-oh"
*disappears behind her Pile of Corpses*
William Wallace: *pouts*
Walker Boh: *leaves battle-field, to visit a certain well-known Avatar that tends to use the faces of those it is talking to (AKA the Grimpond)*
Shea: *looks around in wonder*
"Where is everyone?"
William Wallace: "That's what you get, if you tell them all to shut up!"
King Menion: *regains consciousness*
"LEAH, LEAH, I'M THE KI..."
William Wallace: "SHUDDUP!!!"
King Menion: *stares at William Wallace*
Hiya Balinor! How's life? I'm SOOOO glad your stupid brother is dead, now I have Shirl all for myself, hehe! Wanna hear my poetry? Here goes:
"Ode to Shirl.
Oh Shirl, oh Shirl,
you are my pearl,
and in your hair there is no curl.
If I look at you the world starts to swirl,
because you are such a beautiful girl!"
William Wallace: "SHUDDUP!"
King Menion: "Now Balinor! You're starting to sound just like your brother!"
*looks alarmed*
"You're not thinking about... marrying Shirl, are you?"
Murron: *frowns*
*looks at William Wallace*
"Who is Shirl?"
William Wallace: "I don't know, honey. Rrreally, I don't."
King Menion: "I have to go now. I'm sorry to rob you all from my enlightening presence, but there's a rebellion in the Poster Board Kingdom, and I need to feed Eventine to Dyldork and Rymouth before they break loose and start killing my peasants."
Shea: *looks alarmed*
"Eventine??"
King Menion: *wanders of the battle-field, softly singing*
"Oh Shirl, oh shirl, you're my pe..."
The Air above a Pile of Corpses: *shimmers*
The Shade of Allanon: *reappears*
"Shea, Balinor, what are you still doing here? Go get the Swo.. The Buttercup, I mean."
William Wallace: *starts loosing patience, and grins his above-mentioned grin*
"Look Rrroberrrt, now don't starrrt playing trrricks on me!"
The Shade of Allanon: "Have you been drinking?"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
William Wallace: *sniffles with indignation*
Murron: *hands William Wallace a certain well-known embroidered piece of cloth*
William Wallace: "Thanks, dearrr!"
*wipes his nose*
The Shade of Allanon: "I'm surrounded by fools!"
*grunts and disappears*
The Air above a Pile of Corpses: *turns normal again*
Panamon: "You're right, Old Al! I've said that first, though."
William Wallace, Murron, Shea, Panamon: *stare at one another*
Panamon: "Right. Keltset, Shea-person, Balinor, Balinor's girl, let's all get going! We have a Sword to find."
Shea: *blinks*
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Panamon: *starts walking, meanwhile yelling*
"Pan, Pan, you're the man!"
Shea: "If you can't do it, no one can!"
Panamon: *gives Shea a high-five*
"Thanks, kid!"
William Wallace: "EVERRRY MAN DIES!!"
Murron: "Not everry man rreally lives!"
Keltset: *says nothing, as usual*
Shea, Keltset, Panamon, William Wallace, Murron: *leave battle-field*