| Wednesday January 15th 2003 LA is moving to Ottawa. Not tomorrow or this week, as much as I'd like her to. June. July, maybe. She's moving in with me. I'm trying to remember what it's like to live with someone who isn't a roommate or might as well be. It's been a while - at least two years, I'd say, by the time LA gets here. I've forgotten how I found the balance last time between sharing a life with someone and continuing my own. I expect it goes in stages. At the beginning, you can't bear to be parted from your partner for a single evening. But eventually your separate interests, separate friends, separate tv shows ... these things get accomodated. The trick is to accomodate them - to not be smothered - without losing closeness in the relationship. Give your partner room to breathe, but no so much that they think you're pushing them away. Keep communicating. Always set aside at least some of your time for just each other. And always remember the little things. On the flip side, this is the first heads-up that my single-life experiment is coming to an end. I've asked myself whether it's been enough, and I feel the answer is unquestionably 'yes'. It's become routine - there's nothing left to explore. And I found myself years and years ago - okay, about a decade or so :) - so there's no soul-searching time required and never was. I've seen the sum total of what's involved in maintaining oneself without help - dishes, laundry, ironing, bills, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, changing the bedsheets, hosting guests single-handedly, budgeting large purchases, arranging furniture, grocery shopping, remembering birthdays and appointments and phone calls. I've done it all. I think when there's two, you find yourself occupied with what you consider half of all the work and wonder how you could manage it all if you didn't have help. You don't realize how much of what you do you could actually give up if you absolutely had to. And maybe not realize how little of what you do is absolutely necessary, compared to your partner. You can't look at the sum balance of each other's efforts when dividing housework - it's meaningless. You have to look at the sum balance of the essential work that absolutely must be done, to see whether each of you are afforded the same balance of extra 'fun' work. That's the most important lesson I've learned from living on my own. Funny how my concept of time becomes skewed when comparing past and future. Labour Day weekend, when LA and I truly became serious, seems like just yesterday. But this summer looks like it's eons and ages away. |