| Monday January 20th 2003 I've never been a fond friend of change. Change messes up your life. It takes everything familiar away from you and replaces it with garbled nonesense that takes you months to make sense of. Change is uncomfortable and a nuisance. It would be so much easier if everything just stayed the same, all the time. My first major encounter with it was in ninth grade. I went back to visit my grade school I'd graduated from and realized to my absolute horror that I didn't belong there anymore. That a couple of new teachers had arrived that I would never get to know. That new playground equipment had been added to the schoolyard I'd never get to play on - and had replaced equipment I'd played on for years. Things had changed and left me behind, and I didn't like it. I resented my first year of highschool. I felt like I was only visiting, but unable to return to the world I'd left behind. But then ... there's been good changes, too. I was glad to start university and leave highschool behind. I felt I was leaving a place I'd never really belonged and entering a world that held more promise for me, even if it was a bit strange at first. I was scared of leaving my parents home and living elsewhere, where suddenly I had to acknowledge the existence of utility bills, home repair, grocery shopping, etc. But once I was used to it, I could see that I'd made a positive step forward and that my life had become better. So I don't think it's actually change that I don't like, because it's record isn't all that bad where I'm concerned - more often than not it's turned out to be very good for me, in fact. It isn't change - it's the not knowing. It's not being able to leap forward in two different timelines and compare outcomes before I make a choice that really bugs me. But I've never been resentful of the choices I've made. I may have played 'what if' on occasion, but I've never said 'how could I have been so stupid?'. Because all I can do is make the best choice under the circumstances, knowing what I know. I know I want to be happy. I know I want to be in the company of someone I feel secure with and can trust absolutely, without question. I know I want to feel loved 100% of the time, or as close as I can get. I want to feel respected as an adult; as someone who's thoughts, feeling and opinions matter. I want the freedom to be myself without being told I'm not good enough or will never be able to do it. I want to live with LA, and keep her with me, the rest of my life. |