Dateline: Troy, AL
Andrea Fox, a nineteen-year old student and part-time waitress, came to the realization last week that she is neither funny nor interesting.

For years, Fox believed that people were interested in what she had to say, and that they appreciated her sense of humor and smack-talking ability. As it turns out, it was all an act, because as Fox says, "I'm a hottie".

"Guys would always talk to me, seem like they cared about what I was saying, laugh at my jokes, everything. It got to the point were I really thought that my ideas were important. But recently, I figured out that they were really just trying to get me into bed."

According to Fox, the revelation came after she hooked up with twenty-seven year old Kirk Harrison last weekend. Harrison reportedly began talking to Fox while having drinks at a fraternity house where Harrison was an alumni. At first, Fox said, Harrison seemed very attentive to what she was saying.

"I was telling him about how hard it is to go to school and have a job. He seemed to understand. Then I told him how much I really love my cat and how sometimes she gets into my make-up, and even though that makes me mad, I still love her. He said he though I was a really good person for that. Then I told him the story about when me and my girlfriend, Jen, went to see Dave Matthews and got real drunk. He was laughing, smiling, and everything."

According to Fox, however, Harrison remembered none of their conversation the next morning, after the two had spent the night together.

"He was all 'I had fun' and 'I'll call you' and then 'I've got to go to work'. Work? It was Sunday morning, and I don't think he is a minister. I asked him if he wanted to meet my cat, and he said 'You have a cat?'. And then he just left. That's when I started to get suspicious about him (not listening)."

Harrison was not available for comment.

Fox is now trying to deal with the realization that men do not find her the least bit funny or interesting. She said that she is getting support and strength from her friends, and of course, her cat.

"My friends have been pretty helpful. But mostly, I have long talks with my cat, Fluff. She loves me, and I know that she likes me for what I say, not how I look. Cats are really nice that way."

Dateline: Martins Ferry, OH
The Martins Ferry Losers took the field today for their first practice of training camp, and as usual all eyes were on Rex Grossman. The former Southern Comfort QB was in camp working out for the last placed Losers and trying to earn a spot on the roster for the 2007-2008 season.

Grossman did not dissapoint the media and fans that attended, completing nearly 48% of his passes. "It feels really nice to get back on the field and pick up where I left off," Grossman told CDFL Insider. "I was pleasantly surprised, to be honest – I really felt like I was in midseason form."

The practice reached it's apex when Grossman amazingly threw three consecutive interceptions in an offense-only drill. Somehow he was picked off by people standing on the sidelines; one of whom was 12-year-old Losers fan Martha Evans. "I was standing there on the sidelines, and I just read his eyes. I mean, he was staring me down; he never even tried to look off the safety. There was no doubt in my mind where he was going to throw it."

In a related story, Head Coach Lovie Smith was seen swallowing pills and muttering, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines."

Dateline: Marion, OH
Sitting comfortably at a picnic bench at Moscow Maulers' training camp, newly resigned running back Travis Henry took the opportunity to contemplate his future. Looking whimsically at the clouds rolling by above, Henry was candid about his four-game suspension in 2005 for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy and how it changed his outlook.

"The Good Lord has blessed me with the talent and drive to be a great running back in this league, and I need to make sure I don't waste that gift," Henry told CDFL Insider. "That being said, I love getting high as a motherfucker, and when I retire I'll be whiffin' the nuge all damn day."

Despite his passion for blazing the sweet leaf, Henry has refrained this off-season; one more failed drug test would lead to an automatic one-year suspension. But staying clean hasn't been easy.

The itch to jib the nub can come on "fast and furious," according to Henry, particularly in the stoner-friendly environment of Gahanna, OH. As a result, he's taken a number of steps to ensure that he doesn't slip up in a moment of weakness. For example, he has kept his impressive collection of bongs – featured prominently in the July 2005 issue of High Times – in long-term storage. He deleted his dealer's phone number from his cell phone, and has kept his pantry devoid of Doritos, Cracker Jacks, and other munchies as a way of lessening his enthusiasm for the overall hippy lettuce experience.

"If I can't eat a box of Oreos and watch tapes of Japanese game shows after firing up the cheeba, it's not hardly even worth it."

The Maulers are supportive of Henry's newfound sobriety, going so far as to put incentives in his new contract for each month he passes his drug test. Will Wicker, the head of the Maulers' Legal Affairs Department, explained that Henry could receive "up to 20 pounds of Columbus' dankest Phatty Boombatty, which of course is legal phraseology for $500,000."

But, for now, Henry is on the straight and narrow, his focus on helping his team make the playoffs.

"Getting to a Shaker Bowl sounds appealing on so many different levels – I knew I chose football for a reason."

Dateline: Blacklick, OH
Following a spring time get together in Columbus this April in which the two CDFL owners socialized and met fans, Aaron Kauffman allegedly gave Tim Brehm a bogus phone number.

"I'm pissed, man," Brehm told reporters Tuesday, after his 14th unsuccessful message on the number that he had been given by Dobie. "I knew something was up when I called and it was a girl's voice named Michelle, but I thought maybe it was his assistant."

Apparently Brehm received an outraged call from Michelle on Sunday, informing him that she was not Aaron Kauffman, nor did she know Aaron Kauffman.

Kauffman apparently gave Brehm a phone number that was alarmingly close to his own, which was a risky move given that Brehm in theory could easily attempt to determine the number himself, which Brehm is "thinking about doing."

"Look, we had a great time earlier this spring in Columbus, and I want to hang out," Brehm said. "I'm sure it was an oversight, a heat of the moment type thing. I am sure Dobie meant no disrespect."

Kauffman was unavailable for comment, but a woman named Michelle informed CDFL Insider she thinks Tim Brehm is "kind of annoying."

Dateline: Apex, NC
A few weeks ago the league was reparing to fill up and Apex was in the mix. Then the Avengers disappeared and were unavailable for comment. As the league neared completion, only Apex failed to appear. Early Saturday the Avengers reappeared and confirmed their place this season in the CDFL with Commissioner Mark Trollinger. Along with joining the league, GM Melvin Striblin brought with him two returning players.

Last season the Avengers received some smack talk from fellow owners, especially Trollinger. With the wealth of prospective, unproven talent on the roster, Trollinger called Apex "CDFL Europe" comparing Apex to the NFL Europe's development league. It was Apex who had the laugh, defeating the Silver Dragons in the first match up.

One of the prospective players on last year's roster turned in a successful rookie season and looks to have an even bigger 2007-2008. Not just a running back, but a punt returner and capable of racking up receiving yard, Apex returns and builds this year's team around RB Reggie Bush. Bush was spotted leaving Apex headquarters after the announcement was made.

Believing that a strong running game is a requirement to success in fantasy football, Striblin hopes to again return to the playoffs by following the blueprint. In addition to Bush, Apex brings back RB Brian Westbrook who has become another rushing/receiving threat in recent years. With these two in the backfield, opposition will have a tough time accounting for both. Apex is sure to pile on the points not just on the ground, but in receiving and special teams as well. These two athletes have the potential to score big and break a game wide open.

Dateline: Tempe, AZ
With the news circling baseball's steroid allegations and news headlines involving football players such as Oakland's Dominic Rhodes illegal substance usage, the CDFL league offices investigated current two time champion Aaron Kauffman and the Tempe Tantrums for banned substance allegations.

An inside source raised league eyebrows when a published report suggested that Tantrum wide receivers were using a product to grease up prior to the game and reduce the chance of being tackled. The source indicated that a water based cream form of personal lubricant called "Boy Butter" was being applied by Tempe players. The source continued that Tantrum players were finding use not only during the games, but afterwards as well. "I can't go into the details of what I witnessed in the lockerroom", said team lockerroom attendant Sam Hopkins. "Those guys have really come together as a unit over the past two seasons. They play well on the field because they spend a lot of off-field time bonding." Calls to the Tempe Tantrums' owner Aaron Kauffman and Boy Butter President Eyal Feldman were not immediately returned.

Hopkins addressed more on the nature of Boy Butter stating "You know how in most clear water based lubricants like KY or Wet the lubricant begins to evaporate and leave a sticky residue that requires you to spit in your hand or add water to recharge it? Boy Butter takes a standard water based gel lubricant and adds Vitamin E and Shea Butter. They mixed these ingredients together into a creamy texture." Does it give the Tantrums an unfair advantage over the league? It's hard to say, but league officials are concerned about the possibility of performance enhancing products. A league official stated off record that preliminary investigations do show Tempe players are tough to go down and usually force teams to implement gang tackle techniques. Is it the two championship rings or the post game celebrations with Boy Butter than make Tempe's players so happy...and gay?

Dateline: Brecksville, OH
With internet capabilities restored, the Shakers concluded the pre-draft signing of players. As predictable as Hugh McLaughlin's wife shaving the Winter Bush, the Shakers surprised no one with the resigning of NFL MVP and leading rusher LaDainian Tomlinson. LT was a monster last season, although he alone could not propel the Shakers into the post season. With LT in the fold again, Great Lakes have a consistent back that can single handedly take over a game. He always gives the Shakers a fighting chance in any game.

Somewhat of a minor surprise is that the Shakers did not resign Tim Dwight. That guy is as entrenched in the team as the crown molding in Chris Komandt's war-room office. Instead Komandt chose a promising youngster. We all love promising youngsters. Ones that know how to be used and provide great results. Laurence Maroney emerged with the Patriots last season and proved to be a very valueable asset. He pushed the Buckeye Beasts' Corey Dillon into retirement and gave the Shakers a passing and receiving threat. With LT and Maroney, the Shakers have a strong ground game with two players not only capable of racking up yards on the ground, but also through the air. These two players put the Shakers back on track to regain their position in CDFL royalty.

Dateline: Troy, AL
A suspicious envelope arrived at CDFL league offices late Wednesday night proclaiming the resigned picks of Andrea Fox and the Southern Comforts. Fox, who was quick witted as a breast-baring preacher's daughter when she entered the league has been rarely heard from since graduating high school and entering the collegiate ranks. In fact, Osama bin Laden is seen and conducts more press statements than Fox has over the past few seasons.

Last year's third place team looks to return to post season glory and maybe take the next step in the team's development. Taking the field first for the Comforts this season will be a healthy, solid quarterback in Peyton Manning. With the offensive weapons at his disposal and his durability, Manning alone can keep the Southern Comforts in most games. The leading score on last seasons playoff team, Manning's projections are for continued consistent numbers.

With the second signing, the Comforts went with Baltimore RB Willis McGahee. Rumors and speculations were that Fox would tab Deuce McCallister as the second pick, but negociations stumbled and at the 11th hour she seleced McGahee. Fox stated "we felt with the emergence of Reggie Bush, Deuce would have a diminishing role with the Saints and an injury plague past raised questions. McGahee had a strong season with the Bills and Jamal Lewis proved the Ravens could open rushing lanes allowing a back to be successful. Especially one of McGahee's caliber."

Dateline: Hayashi, JPN
This afternoon the Hayashi Silver Dragons announced their signings for the upcoming season. General Manager Mark Trollinger spoke with CDFL Insider reporter Angela Price late Tuesday. "When you think of Hayashi", Trollinger said, "You think of two words. 'Championship team'. But if you think of two more words you might think of 'running game'. Looking at the Ring of Fire of this storied franchise you see a common denominator - strong running backs. Barry Sanders, Bo Jackson, Otis Anderson, Edgerrin James and even quarterbacks such as Randall Cunningham and Michael Vick. The basis of the Hayashi attack - one that has led to two Shaker Bowls, one championship and a number of playoffs, including two in a row has been a solid running game. This year will be no exception. By no means are we finished looking at running backs, but in a review of last season we were really carried by a few guys. One being K Josh Brown. Now, I am not crazy enough to use one of my two resignable contracts on a kicker, what am I, Jerry Starlin? Josh was a valuable player for us and one we would consider looking at if he were available again. A few other players we might also consider as options if the timing was right, but two guys really stood out based on last year's performance and our expectations this season. The first choice is RB/PR Maurice Jones-Drew. Jones-Drew was not originally drafted last season but picked up early in the season and performed beyond our expectations. Down the stretch his performance is one of the players that really pushed us into the post seaason. The second choice is a fellow running back and valuable player down the stretch - Marion Barver III. Both of these guys played with the heart of a dragon and we look to them to return to the playoffs and get past the Buckeye Beasts".

Dateline: Hayashi, JPN
Late yesterday afternoon the CDFL located a missing owner and membership swelled to nine. Mindy Anderson of Sexy Mama 6969 annouced her intentions and joined the league. Husband Dan Anderson of the Martins Ferry Steelers still has not signed up, League originator Chris Komandt and the Shakers are still to come and unknown is the status of Melvin Striblin and the Apex Avengers.

Apex fans were initally pleased as Striblin and the Avengers enrolled in the league early, but last week negociations fell through and the team removed itself from the fold. Fans look puzzled with the on and off again status. Will the team field a team this season, and if so who will they return from last year's team? Only time will tell...

Dateline: Columbus, OH
As the picks continue to roll in today, Commissioner Mark Trollinger has proclaimed he is glad he took the day off work. News continues to pour in from across the CDFL as owners are announcing the players resigned from last year. In late morning action, former Commissioner Tim Brehm revealed his jungle fever tendancies. No, not in drooling over fellow owner Andrea Fox, but in making his selections for the draft.

The Vanilla Rhinos stayed within the animal kingdom and selected a pair of Bengals. Leading the way for the Vanilla Rhinos this season will be QB Carson Palmer. Despite the up and down season for the Bengals, Palmer possesses a strong arm and great leadership skills which can help to return Cincinnati and the Vanilla Rhinos to the playoffs.

With a star quarterback signed, the Rhinos followed Tempe's lead and turned to the backfield, signing Palmer's teammate Rudi Johnson. Racking up more tha 1300 yards and 12 TDs last year, Johnson and Palmer's best statistic may be 0 - as in number of arrests. A rarity in Cincinnati!

Dateline: Hayashi, JPN
Following the conclusion to last year's Shaker Bowl, the planning process for the next year begins. Trollinger realized that this season, 2007, would be the 18th anniversary of the league's founding. Thinking of 18 his mind quickly drifted to barely legal girls, especially cheerleaders.

Trollinger contacted former Commissioner Tim Brehm regarding the idea of a new logo. Giving only information of the dates, the tagline "Finally we're legal" and a teenaged model, Brehm drew two logos for review. In a meeting conducted in Tempe last month, Trollinger and Brehm reviewed the logos and discussed other league matters. Both logos were impressive and certainly worthy of being the new logo. Ultimately Trollinger's mind drifted toward cheerleaders again and that design was selected.

When shown the logo, Jerry Starlin said "I'm Not A Pedophile, I just know a Hot Ass When I see One!" With that statement, Trollinger knew we had a winner. Thanks to Tim Brehm for the drawing and concept of the logo and to his brother for assisting the shading of the character. The logo will remain on the right side of this newsletter throughout the year. Brehm will be signing autographed copies for $20 at The Old Bag of Nails Pub on First Avenue in Columbus. For information contact: 614-299-7211.

Dateline: Tempe, AZ
Early morning news from the CDFL front office reports that the two time defending champions have resigned two of last year's stars to a 2007-2008 season. Coming off of a career season in 2006, QB Drew Brees led the Tempe Tantrums back into the playoffs and ultimately captured a second straight title for GM Aaron Kauffman.

In the backfield behind Brees will be a veteran of the Tantrums. Once again RB Steven Jackson will suit up for Tempe and look to lead the ground attack. Jackson has been on the Tantrums since entering the league and has become the face of the organization. Brees and Jackson look to make CDFL history if Tempe can earn a third straight title.

Dateline: Columbus, OH
As the league owners continue to trickle in and the draft date and time is officially nailed down, the first owner to file keeper picks has arrived at CDFL League Headquarters. This year each team is allowed to return two players from last year's squad; however, they will be unable to protect those same players next season.

Filing the first claims of the season were last season's runner-ups, the Buckeye Beasts. GM Jerry Starlin phoned in the picks around 4:30 PST to Commissioner Mark Trollinger. After a review of the 2006-2007 roster, the Buckeye Beasts selected QB Tom Brady as their first choice. Brady with a full arsenal of weapons this season is looks to put up huge numbers, and Starlin is planning on riding him back to the playoffs.

Conventional wisdom says that to win a fantasy team needs quality running backs. The Beasts had two quality running backs last season in Tiki Barber and Corey Dillon, but both retired; as did QB Drew Bledsoe. That being the case, it left the door open for Brady. With the remainder of the roster for review, Starlin selected a Brady rival in WR Marvin Harrison. With showing no signs of slowing down and coming off of a Super Bowl win, Starlin feels that Harrison was a quality player that could put up good numbers, stay healthy and with Brady, give the Beasts a good base to once again return to the post season.

Dateline: Suffolk County,VA
With owners slow to join the league this year for the upcoming draft, CDFL Commissioner Mark Trollinger has forged a two prong attack. First he has attempted to draw the returning owners out of hiding and into the league. As Plan B he has also sought interested parties just in case the league is not full prior to draft day. Three potential owners wait in the wings with four vacanies still remaining. Of the vacancies, the Wilmington and Alvada franchises were among others not yet making reservations.

Commissioner Trollinger was unable to attend meetings with both parties, so taking a cue from baseball Commissioner Bud Selig in sending a representative to Barry Bonds' games when he could not attend, Trollinger did the same. Trollinger decided to focus on GM Mike Voorheis and the Wilmington team. After a few days of discussions, the Port City Regression joined the league.

Being that this year mark's the first keeper league in CDFL history, Trollinger reviewed his final 2006-2007 roster to chose a delegate to meet with Alvada owner Jon Werner. As representative, Trollinger chose Hayashi QB Michael Vick who invited Werner to his Suffolk County, VA home. After a weekend of secluded discussions with Vick, the Alvada Horned Dogs were no more. What happened? A franchise that replaced the Alvada Shockers and has played in and won the Shaker Bowl has disappeared from the league this year. In its place, Jon Werner has fielded a new team, Alpha Kenny Won. What it means, we don't know, but we do know a cloud of suspicion has been raised over Vick. Commissioner Trollinger, putting on his general manager hat expressed his dissatisfaction with Vick and his handling of the discussions. Trollinger has not annouced his two returning players, but he said Vick will not be one.

Dateline: Blacklick, OH
Over the past couple of months, Moscow's Ed Rollins has been a tough man to find. The email lines has been quiet coming from Maulers headquarters and there has been minimal activity on the owner' myspace page. After some detailed investigative work CDFLInsider has located the owner and discovered that his off-season has been spent in Minong, Wisconsin acting in a series of TV commercials for Jack Link's beef jerkey. So far a total of four spots, the "Messin with Sasquatch" commercials have received high ratings in pilot audiences and more are scheduled. More commercials can be seen here: Messin with Sasquatch

We wish Ed success with his endorsement deal!

Dateline: Hayashi, Japan
The Hayashi Silver Dragons have added some additional stadium style seating to their stadium. The following photo was released showing the new seating being used by fans who came to watch a Hayashi team practice on August 1. Team owner, Mark Trollinger, said the new seating took approximately forty years to grow. He also added the new seating was produced in a "green" manner, which pleased his environmentally concerned fan base. If you ask this reporter, the "green" fans should be more concerned about all of the hot air spilling out of Trollinger's pie hole as opposed to how green his stadium renovations are.

Dateline: Tempe, AZ
With an impressive win over the Buckeye Beasts in the greatest Shaker Bowl in history, the Tempe Tantrums placed themselves in an elite class. Only two teams previously could claim to be two time CDFL Champions. After the come from behind victory, GM Aaron Kauffma becomes only the second back-to-back winner since Greg Neer in the league's first two seasons. Unlike Tempe, the Neersters won in a total point scored format whereas Tempe has won and defended its titles in a head-to-head battle. Entering the 2007-2008 CDFL season, Aaron Kauffman looks to etch his name in CDFL folklore by becoming the first three time champion. More impressively, if Tempe wins this year, it will come with a threepeat and beg to start the debate - Tempe Tantrums, are they the CDFL's first dynasty?