:::: June 9, 1999 ::::

WEDNESDAY June 9, 1999

Heavy Introspection

"Our greatest glory is not in never
failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today is my youngest son's birthday. He is now seven years old. I was actually happy for a moment because it was his birthday today. My wife and I laughed because at the time he was born, we almost didn't make it to the hospital. Just when my wife sat down at the hospital, her water broke and twenty minutes later, my youngest son was born, eager to get out into the world... and he still carries that spirit with him, so eager about life... I envy that about him.

As I tuck my two boys in for the night, I realize how innocent they are to the world... so trusting and naive, not aware of the different ways that grownups can be deceitful or cruel to each other.

It's almost been a month now since I was "let go" from a very successful musical situation, thinking I was on top of the world, playing music and doing what I do best, and as I've said before, giving it my all, specifically for this particular musical situation because I was convinced in my mind that this was "IT". This was the band I had been looking for all my life to succeed and prosper, both musically and artistically. And it was a very successful situation for me financially. And that I felt there were key players in the band during its development that helped the band get to that next level. And we prospered, and we quarreled, and things seemed to be looking up. I honestly thought I was going to really "make it" this time. Then the roof fell in.

People are trying to tell me to put it all behind me, and of course that's the most logical thing to do at this point. Put it all behind me and move on, and don't even look back. But it's not so easy to do, especially when you've devoted X amount of time solely to the band with exception of my family life. Two and a half years is a long time in musician years. Now I literally have to start all over again.

A part of me DOES want to put this all behind me, but the feelings that I feel for the band and the players in the band are still there. And I feel I've been betrayed by people in whom I trusted. Maybe that was one of my faults, in trusting them.

But now I'm trying to analyze the current situation that is before me. Number one, the unavoidable financial situation looming over my family is definitely unavoidable. Number two, there is now a race to secure the work and income needed to get to that point again where we can say we're getting by.

A part of me was saying, "let's just wrap this up and get back into the real world and get a real job for a change", just like what my mother was talking about, but at this point, I had spent X amount of years developing my craft as a musician and striving by freelancing in many bands in the past seven years. I've invested so much time in becoming a full-time musician that I would REALLY be starting from the bottom rung by going back to school or trying to get back to some clerical position or such. Music is the only means I have right now to earn a living. I'd have to continue with my musical aspirations whether I'd like to or not.

But now my musical aspirations themselves are being threatened!

Being treated the way I had been treated has left a bad taste in my mouth. I feel bitter and enraged by the whole thing. Everyone talks about the music business and how it's easy to get ripped off, or how the music business is "cut-throat". It's enough to leave an aspiring musician to call it quits. It's enough to destroy an artist's ambitions to express his or herself. But then again, the things that happen in the music business CAN and HAVE happened in any profession or job.

I guess DISILLUSIONED was the word I was looking for, and I sure as hell am feeling it right this very moment.

Today I thought I was having another one of those panic attacks, but my wife tells me that it's just my natural reaction to what had happened to me. But I can honestly say that I AM in a depression right now. I just don't know whether I should seek help or not. Or whether I should just deal with it on my own terms. I mean, I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I do feel anger and frustration over my dilemma.

I don't know... but then again, that's just my point. I DON'T KNOW! It seemed that before all this I was confident I could succeed in what I did best. Now I'm not so sure. I seemed to have lost something recently, a feeling of certainty that I was finally going to make something of myself. Oh sure, the guy that replaced me was in it for the money and now he's sittin' pretty behind his drums in Vegas right now, but who helped HIM get to where he can be at that point where he could earn those big bucks and play Vegas... ME!

I was thinking of the time when the band was supposed to play at this club in Redondo Beach. That the new trumpet player and one of the sax players in the band... the three of us were across the street at the local Starbucks drinking the "coffee of the day".

We noticed an old woman, her face wrinkled and careworn, her hair gray and slightly matted. She looked like she could've been a homeless person, and she had this look of suffering in her eyes. I was sort of wondering what she was doing in a Starbucks. My conclusion was that she WAS homeless and she just walked in to use the restroom.

We didn't think nothing of it when she walked right by us to use the restroom. About fifteen minutes later we all were wondering what had happened to her, and we were convinced that she hadn't come out of the restroom yet. I mean, she would've had to pass right by us on her way out, and yet we all noticed she hadn't come out yet. We thought, with the way she looked, maybe she died in there.

Well, the new trumpet player was the first to get up from his chair and went to the restroom door to open it. She was NOT in there!

We immediately "freaked out", puzzled and with a loss for words.

Looking back at that little incident, I was wondering if that was some sort of premonition for ME. They say that spirits sometimes appear in this way to warn the living. I don't know and I can't say, but the way I'm feeling right now, it's almost as if that WAS some sort of premontion for me, some sort of symbolism for my coming departure...

MUSIC TODAY...

Earl Klugh & Bob James ~ One on One

One Year Ago Today

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