:::: June 8, 1999 ::::

TUESDAY June 8, 1999

Swimming Upstream

"Our greatest glory is not in never
failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

As I hung up the phone I thought to myself, "I knew she'd do this to me."

My mother had found out that I was no longer with the band. I was very much afraid that she'd find out. I didn't want her to know and I didn't want my family to know either. It was a matter of saving face, after proudly telling them that I'd been so busy with this band and that it had been so successful, and that we were flying across the country to Disney World and beyond... *poof!* the dream I had about this band and my future in it was all gone.

You see, my mother had just told me, "now that you're not with the band anymore you should apply for this "postal" worker job...". Actually, it was a mail carrier position. Well, I suppose what she was trying to tell me was that since I'm not in the band anymore, I should buckle down and get a "real" job for a change!

Boy, no moral support, no nothing'! Only the thought that I should get a "real" job, in her eyes.

When I told my wife about it she reassured me that my mother just doesn't realize that music is my calling, it's something that I excel in...

...and that to give it up at this point would be admitting defeat and going against what I truly believe in.

I had come a long, long way to get to this point and I know I must do what I truly love and that is to play music. But my mother doesn't see that and she never will. I guess that's what really hurts me the most, that I get no support from my parents regarding my musical career. When the band reached it's current popularity and my parents would read about it in the newspapers and see me on television I felt they were skeptical even then, and they never went to the shows but once, and when they did go that one time they STILL didn't seem impressed. What the fuck do I have to do to earn some kind of acceptance from my parents?

It's useless... they'll never learn and I'll never earn that kind of respect from them. Shit. The only reason they kind of respect me now is because I gave them two grandchildren, two boys to carry on the family name. Other than that I'd just be "crap" to them. And we really weren't on speaking terms until I "gave" them grandchildren. As far as my musical ambitions are concerned, they couldn't give a damn about it... they'd just want me to be a postal worker like my brother and Dad before he retired.

I have to live for myself now. I can't win any acceptance from my parents for being a musican. Hell, they already have preconceived notions that musicians are bums!

Boy, I'm so glad I have my wife for all the support. I'm so glad I had a lot of fans out there who were supportive of me when I was in the band, and even more so when I was "let go". As far as I know, I still have people who support my musical ambitions if I can't get the support from my parents.

Well, it hurts though... very much! For back when I was a child studying piano and playing all those recitals, my parents were actually proud of me back then. I could see it in their eyes. And now, they've changed. It's as if their appreciation for music and the arts had been sucked right out of them. They don't listen to Opera or Jazz like they used to. Maybe that's it. Maybe their appreciation for music has died and their appreciation for my being a musician went along with it, and for that, I am very much saddened.

Today is a day of mourning...

I suppose today I had what one might call a panic attack. I was driving to my oldest son's school to pick him up and take him to his orthodontist when I wasn't sure whether we were suppose to be there at 3pm or 3:30. It was getting close to 3pm when I called the dentist's office to verify the time. Looking back I thought, "no big deal, it happens", but at that time I had the most horrific sensation of panic I've ever felt, like everything was closing in on me and I just felt like a helpless jackrabbit caught in a steel trap! It really felt awful and even though the appointment was at 3:30 just as I had thought, this sense of panic stayed with me until the late evening hours. I really didn't calm down until my wife told me to take deep breaths and to try some of her herbal tea. And with the deep breaths, the tea and her trying to talk me out of it did I finally feel a sense of relief.

Now I don't know if I will continue to have these so-called panic attacks. I know I'd been stressed out since my departure from the band, which was a "high-paying" musician's gig that was sure to lead to "bigger and better things". Now, my income has been totally wiped clean... zilch! So the fact that we have to scrimp and save and watch our finances closely has really taken its toll on me lately.

Sure, things are looking up and I have a few things "lined up" as far as gigs, but losing that large income and now being reduced to zero income is very nerve-racking!

I must be strong...

My wife told me to chant a mantra, and I think I will have to do so, along with some serious meditating to calm me down and put me back on track.

I must be strong...

MUSIC TODAY...

Poncho Sanchez ~ Salsa Hits!

Led Zeppelin ~ Remasters

John Coltrane ~ Impressions

Carly Simon ~ My Romance

6 Months Ago Today

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