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| Jace Alexander Gikas Sept. 4th, 2003 - Feb. 25th, 2004 |
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| You are visitor #: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Welcome to my website about my sweet Jacey-Bug, taken from me way too soon. So beautiful and precious. I love him uncontrollably and miss him more then I can express. His entire family is grieving horribly over the loss of him, and we don't even know how to begin to heal. Life does not make sense without him. If it weren't for my 4 year old Joshua, I would have surely grieved myself to death. Most people only dream of angels....I held one in my arms. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time can not erase. -"My Immortal" - Evanescence "Your Presence still lingers here." - Evanescence These words are engraved on his headstone. |
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| Jace was born on Sept. 4th, 2003. He was not DUE until December 10th. So, that means I had him at 26 weeks gestation. The story of my hospital stay is another one all together. He was very small....2 pounds even. But, beautiful from the start. Perfect. He was small, but he was perfect. I will never EVER forget his coming into the world, his first sounds. He stayed in the hospital for 2 1/2 months. He did WONDERFULLY. He had to have a PDA ligation (closing a valve in his heart) at one week old. That was scary...someone cutting on my tiny man, who had now dropped to 1 pound 12 ounces. But, he came through GREAT! He did not get one infection while in there and he had NO set backs. All of the nurses ADORED him and called him a miracle, even after seeing all of the babies they had seen before. They said he was the strongest baby to come through the NICU. After his death, they have sent me flowers, cards, gifts .... they remember him. They see thousands of babies come through there, and they remember him. My little fighter. He came home on November 10th. All of 4 pounds 12 ounces. :) So beautiful, so perfect. He did amazingly well. One night however, he coughed, just once. I was terrified of RSV (respiratory infection that is deadly to preemies). The next day he was at the doctor's office, they immediately admitted him. His lungs were full of fluid. He stayed at Emory Hospital for 2 weeks. Dec. 4th thru Dec. 17th. They sent him home with breathing treatments, on top of all the other meds he was taking .... and with an explanation of "We have no idea what was wrong with him. We think its Bronchiolitis" Wonderful. So, he came home and it seemed from that moment on he flourished. He ate SO much and begin smiling at the beginning of February. He began rolling over. His weekly doctor visits amazed his doctor's .... all 6 of them. He had to go to many specialists just to make sure everything was ok due to him being a preemie. He was ALWAYS ok. He gained weight fast and came off his heart and apnea monitor. He came off some of his meds. He got to slow down on his doctor's visits. He was doing amazing!! All the way up to 11 pounds! Then on Februaury 22nd, he got a nose bleed. We had gone to Helen, Ga. for the day. We ran to the nearest ER. The doctor looked at him for a total of 10 minutes and said "It's just a good old fashioned nose bleed, he is fine. Put him under a humidifier". And we did as he said. You know, you trust these people. We took him home and made a doctor's appointment (follow up about the nose bleed) for the next Wednesday ... February 25th. On the morning of Februaury 25th, I woke up to sounds of Jimmy, Jace's dad screaming "Jace! You gotta breathe buddy ... come on breathe!" I screamed "Call 911!" as my fingers were already dialing it. Jimmy began CPR. I then took over CPR as he brought the paramedics into our home. But, I couldn't stop it. I couldn't make my little man breathe again. They got there and told me they felt a faint pulse. My heart rose for just a minute, then thought of how long he had been not breathing...would there be brain damage? They continued to work on him in my living room floor. After this, I could not walk past that spot without my knees buckling. They cut his clothes off of him. They gave him a trach in his throat. They gave him an IV in the bone in his leg. They wrapped him in, ironically, the same blanket he came home from the hospital in, and took him out of my house. They came back in, said he looked pink again and they were going to Kennestone hospital ... I was to hurry. I found out later that they told my dad before leaving, that he was not going to make it, but they didn't tell me that in order to get me to the hospital. I walked into the "family" room in the ER and all I heard from the doctor was "We were unable...." and I collapsed. I fell to the floor and stared at it. I didn't cry .... I didn't scream .... I didn't breathe. I thought if I sat there long enough, it wouldn't be true. I thought My God .... I MUST have not woken up yet. I hugged Josh and went in to hold my angel for the very last time. When I looked at him .... he looked like he was sleeping. I held him ... then I screamed. I screamed so loud that people ran in to check on me. I stomped the floor and cursed and screamed WHY?!?! I kissed him as many times as I could manage. It is funny how somehow, the physical pain felt like natural labor all over again, only centered more around my heart. I told him how very much I needed him and loved him. I fought the pain and pushed it aside and made way to anger. I have been there since. I held him and I sang to him and I kissed him. He was gone. My sweet little baby was gone. I took the blanket off of him. The one they took from my home. I looked over his entire body once more ... for the last time. I then realized that the same blanket that kept him warm on his journey from the hospital to his home, is the same one that kept him warm on his journey to his new home. I used to still see the ambulance around town, the one my son died in. I always pull over and have to cry. Needless to say, we moved. We heard from the coroner on June 14th, 2004. They are ruling it SIDS. I don't really buy it, because how does a body just STOP working? How does a healthy baby just stop being alive? What did I do wrong? But basically, I still do not know what took my son from me, and I never will. Cherish your time with your children....they can be gone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I dream about him and he comes to me. Sometimes if I concentrate real hard, I can feel him in my arms. Sometimes a beautiful butterfly will fly by to remind me he is still with me. Maybe I will get a soft breeze thru my hair. I know my precious boy is with me always. But, I can not help but miss the physical. I NEED to hold him. So, until I am with him, I do hope all of his angels buddies are taking care of him...... Amanda McIlrath Mommy to Jace, ~i~ Angel at nearly 6 months of age 9/4/03-2/25/04 Mommy to Joshua, 4 years old 10/31/99 (My little Halloween Spook!) |
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| Photos | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Letters to Jace | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jace's Angel Buddies! Other children that are no longer with us. |
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| List of things you should and should NOT say to a grieving parent.....enter at your own risk..... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| EMAIL ME | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Sign GUESTBOOK View |
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| My sweet little Jacey-Bug! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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