You know, I think about the times Jimmy and I spent at the NICU and how I wished over and over that our time there would be over soon and we could take you home. How I WISH you were still there. I would still visit you daily and bring you toys, and sing you songs. You would still be alive. You would still be with us. I miss the smell and the monitors beeping. I miss the isolette. I wish I still had to fight with the cords to hold you.
I miss the hand washing and the scrubbing and the time limits. If you were still there, you would still be alive. I wish I could still talk to the other mothers about our hopes for your futures and how good preemies do. Instead....I talk to mothers who's children have died. How did I move from one extreme to the other?
I remembering thinking then....wow, how can anyone understand how this feels and how painful it is to leave the hospital without your baby? This is the worst pain ever. Boy, what did I know? What I would GIVE for you to still be in the NICU. What I would give to have to have permission to hold you. What I would give to just see your shining eyes and see you all bundled up in your isolette. I love the way the nurses all talked about how precious you were. How strong.
I miss you little man. I miss you with everything I have inside of me.
Amanda
Jace's mommy FOREVER!
WARNING - Graphic
Jace,
I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. I am so sorry I let you sleep your
way to death. I am so sorry that I didn't pick you up at 4am when I heard
you stirring around in your bassinet. I am so sorry that you have to look
down and see your daddy and I remember you with tears and pain. I am so
sorry I never got to say goodbye.
I regret putting you down that night. But, how was I to know? Were you
scared? Did you wonder why mommy and daddy were not helping you? Do you
KNOW how deeply I love you and forever will? DO you KNOW how much I still
need you? I am so glad you are not hurting and I am so glad you are
surrounded by LOVE where you are. Thank you for the butterflies and for the
signs telling me you are still with me. Thank you for being mine for 6
short months...the happiest EVER!
You graced me with your presence and you continue to do so. I am so sorry
I didn't save you when you died....but so you know, you saved me the day you
were born. I could not have asked for more.
I am so very sorry sweet angel face. God, I miss you. I regret so much
that night and early morning. I heard you...I will never forget the last
sounds you ever made. I will never forget the sounds of me trying
desperately to breathe life back into you and your little lungs...still
congested....simply wheezed it back out. I will never forget the look on
your daddy's face as he held you and begged me for help with his eyes. You
have no idea what your loss has done to him. I will never forget watching
the parametics work on you and screaming for them to PLEASE save my baby.
They told me you were pink again...they lied. They gave me a glimmer of
hope, only to let me down. I will never forget the drive to the hospital
that day. Josh eating pop tarts in the back seat....me on my cell phone
calling everyone to pray for my son! It didn't work. I will never forget
holding you for the last time. Screaming "WHY?!" and "What the ****?!"
throughout the hospital. I laid next to you on the stretcher, did you see
me? I held you and kissed you...and cried. As I am crying now, I can still
see your face. All the tubes....they didn't work. All the blood...your
skin was so cold. I put my finger in your hand, but you didn't grab it. I
kissed your lips, but they didn't slobber on me. I rubbed your hair...you
didn't smile.
Jace....please....
Your Mommy