Its part of life. I know that I can't run from it. I have matured to a point where I can talk about my dad and not get too upset. I did not make amends before he died, but I did, in my heart, afterwards. I have forgiven him for all he did, because I know he parented the best way he knew how to. His father died when he was a kid and he became like the father to his younger siblings. He grew up at a young age. Then he went in the Navy and learned how to berate people there. My sister thinks my grandmother was abusive towards my father and his siblings. I don't know for sure, but I know she was different, and had her own spiritual life (witchcraft) but sent the kids to church and I'm sure that sent a mixed message to the kids. My father was abusive to all of us and to my mother. I don't think he knew any other way. It is not an excuse, just a reality check on my part. I wish my brother would recognize that our father just did what he thought was best for us. I have a lot of happy memories of my dad and I am trying to let them rule my thoughts about him instead of the bad ones. For instance, when I left home at 20 (he kicked me out, but thats neither here nor there) he stood on the platform of the Amtrak station and cried. And how after that he begged me to come home. He was there for me when I had Josh, even tho I had him when I wasn't married. I was always "daddy's little girl" when I was growing up. I have good memories of him, of his magic tricks that he always did, and how he would scare the little kids by pushing his lower dentures out of his mouth and how we would play card games and how he taught me how to ride a bike and how to drive a car. There are a lot of good memories, all the vacations we went on and how he would ride with me on the scary rides at amusement parks. It was only as an adult, and after I rejected his religion that we had problems. He used his religion as a way of measuring how we felt about him, as a person, and that was wrong. I always loved him, but I hated the way he treated us. I guess thats why it hurt so much when he disowned me. I do miss the man I used to know and I wish my kids could have known the fun-loving man, instead of just hearing about the negative stuff I carried around for so long. I am so glad don't carry that grudge any more, though, because it really doesn't do the soul any good, or the blood pressure, etc.
To read my thoughts about my mom, click here
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