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Announcer: For those of you just tuning in, Base Gastly, Lugia, and Atlus were captured by a group of deranged Noctowls. Using their awesome Glaring Gaze power, they quickly subdued our her-
Base Gastly: I was not subdued by Glaring Gaze!
Announcer: But it says here...
Base Gastly: Did I stutter?
Announcer: I'm just doing my job.
Base Gastly: Well do it just leave out the part about Glaring Gaze, alright?
Announcer: <Clears his throat> As I was saying before I was interrupted, our heros were subdued by the evil Noctowls. They were tied up and left dangling over a huge boiling pot. And if they're not careful, they're about to get themselves into a whole lot of hot water. When we left off, Victor the Victreebell had just arrived on the scene to come to their aid. Let's see what happens.
Victor: Fear not, my good fellows! I, Victor the Victreebell, am on the scene to come to your aid! Lure attack! <He dramatically waves his vine in the air. The Noctowls just look at him, confused> I said LURE!
<Not knowing what else to do, the Noctowls walk closer to Victor, but only to inspect him>
Victor: <Looks up at Base Gastly, Lugia, and Atlus> Ha ha! Did you see that? Now, watch! Vine Whip!
Atlus: Isn't Acid your other attack?
Victor: I am a gentleman, sir! And gentleman do not spit! But my Vine Whip is no less effective!
Atlus: Oh...
Victor: Vine Whip! <He runs to the trio of Noctowls and weakly taps his vine against them repeatedly> Take that! And that! Curr! Scoundrel! If my brutality does not stop you the sheer ruthlessness of my insults will! Son of a wagon puller! <His "beatdown" continues until the Noctowls finally get sick of it and pick him up> What are you doing?! I demand you get your filthy hands off me this instant! Where are you taking me?! I am delicate, please stop! Please! <They throw him into the pot of boiling water and his pleas stop as he is consumed>
Lugia: I think they just made the world a better place.
Atlus: I wonder if they'll do that for the rest of my Victreebell cards.
Base Gastly: Too bad he was our last chance...
Atlus: <Looks over at Base Gastly> Hey, aren't you a ghost Pokémon?
Base Gastly: I am.
Atlus: Then how are these ropes holding you?
Base Gastly: Because...um...I want them to?
Atlus: Go set us free.
<Base Gastly phases through the ropes then unties Atlus and Lugia. They sneak behind the Noctowls. Lugia taps one of them on the shoulder. All three of them whirl around, their eyes wide with fear>
Base Gastly: Destiny Bond!
Lugia: Elemental Blast!
Atlus: Uh...what they said.
<The Noctowls squeal in fear and run away>
Announcer: Cursed Noctowls! Where are you going?! Get back here and finish them!
<Base Gastly, Lugia, and Atlus all look up at the ceiling>
Base Gastly: Did you just tell them to finish us?
Announcer: Well...I...er...
Lugia: Hey, since when have we had an announcer?
Announcer: Since...um...oh hell! Let's just get this over with!
<The entire room goes dark except for a beam of light in the middle of the room. A man floats down in the middle of the light>
Base Gastly: Kenji!
Lugia: Bangirasu!
Atlus: Mr X!
Announcer: <Lands on the floor and laughs> I may go by all those names, yes, but I am one person and one person only. I work behind the scenes at Media Factory, making sure the game is completely unbalanced. I'm the one to thank every time you pull a rare Kasumi's Tosakinto. Ever have your rear end handed to you by Nyuura? <Proudly points his thumb at his chest> I spread the misinformation that insures that Wizards of the Coast is to blame for the inbalance in the American enviroment. Some call me The Puppetmaster. Some the Great Deciever. Some have even gone as far as calling me Old Nick. But you three, you may simply call me, The Announcer.
Base Gastly: So what do you want with us?
The Announcer: Don't you get it, Base Goosu? The Great Purge is upon us. Neo 4 is quickly approaching so I had to act even quicker. With the release of Neo 4 we're going to extradict every last shred of originality from the playing enviroment. From here on in, every single card will be broken. All that remained was for me to eliminate all you useless cards. We thought that by making you, people would welcome broken cards. But we were wrong. Now it's time to clean up our mess.
Atlus: Wait a minute here. Where do I fit into this? I'm not even a Pokémon card!
The Announcer: Since you're all going to die anyways, I might as well tell you now. We figured that if we inserted a useless rare into every other pack, people would be screaming for more broken cards.
Lugia: Haven't you already tried that? What about Arcade Game?
The Announcer: Yes yes, we tried that. Unfortunately it found its way into a few decks, much to our horror. We decided that we needed to step up our efforts. We wanted something so entirely useless that it wouldn't even be able to serve as trade fodder. But then we needed someone expendable. Someone who would be forgotten about in a week's time. Someone who had a dirty secret to hide.
Atlus: So you picked me...
The Announcer: That's right. We figured that by having Keanu Reeves take over the show you'd come and be a guest. Three birds would've been killed with one stone. Base Goosu here almost ruined our plans but we improvised and everything is back on schedule.
Base Gastly: Why Keanu Reeves?
The Announcer: We had Keanu call Atlus and tell him that if he didn't show up he'd tell the world that Atlus stole his wardrobe from The Matrix. Oops! Did I say that out loud? <laughs maniacly>
Atlus: ...
Lugia: You'll never get away with this!
The Announcer: My dear Lugia, you're mistaken. I already have. Here, have a looksee at my evil genius! <Throws a card into the air. It floats in front of them>
_________________
Atlus Parker
HP 30 Type: Psychic
(P)(P)(P)(P) I Suck [10]: Flip a coin. If tails this attack does nothing.
Weakness: (P)
Resistance: (None)
Retreat: (C)(C)(C)
Rarity: Rare
_________________
Atlus: ...
The Announcer: Do you understand? When the backlash for releasing this card hits it will have everyone wishing that we had more cards like Pukurin! Ha ha ha ha!
Lugia: I can't understand a word he's saying. What's Pukurin?
Base Gastly: Forget that. Who's Goosu and why does he keep talking to him?
Atlus: <Steps in front of Base Gastly and Lugia> Enough of this nonsense! I will not become the next Dunsparce! The Announcer, I challenge you to a match!
The Announcer: <Laughs> You? Challenge me? Ha ha ha ha! I accept! <He raises his hand and the floor beneath them starts to tremble. It rips from the ground and flies high up into the air, out into outer space> This is your last battle, Atlus! Prepare yourself!
Atlus: <Pulls out a card box> Before we battle, I want your deck inspected by an official judge.
The Announcer: <Sneers> Go right ahead. You're just prolonging the inevitable.
<An officially appointed WotC judge appears and walks over to The Announcer>
Judge: May I see your deck please, sir?
The Announcer: Of course you may. You will find that it's perfectly legal, only containing 60 cards. <Hands his deck to the judge>
Judge: <Starts to thumb through the deck> Hmmm...
The Announcer: Is there something wrong?
Judge: You have 8 Bills in here.
The Announcer: No no no! I only have 4 Bills! The other 4 cards are Masakis!
Judge: It's the same card...
The Announcer: NO! They have different names! It's perfectly legal!
Judge: The Announcer, you are hereby disqualified from this match on the grounds of having an illegaly constructed deck. My work here is done. <Teleports away>
The Announcer: NNNOOOOO!!!
Lugia: This is the end! Just give yourself up now!
The Announcer: <Glares at Lugia> You may have ruined my plans this time but I'll be back! No matter how many times you get rid of me I'll be back! And next time you won't be so lucky! Curse you all! <Runs and jumps off the floating rock, disappearing into the night sky>
Base Gastly: We did it! The card game has been spared another day!
Lugia: Hey Atlus, how'd you know he'd try that?
Atlus: <shrugs> Just a hunch.
Lugia: So did anyone catch the moral of this story?
Atlus: All final battles have to take place on a floating rock in the middle of nowhere?
Lugia: I think Final Fantasy already taught that.
Base Gastly: How about not trying to add plots to comedies?
Lugia: Perfect! Although I might've read that on a fortune cookie somewhere...
Atlus: That's one fortune cookie the execs at Saturday Night Live have never gotten their hands on.
Base Gastly: I know...Coneheads was such a travesty.
Lugia: One more Night at the Roxbury and I'll scream.
Atlus: <Steps to the edge of the rock and looks down> How do we get off this thing?
Lugia: How do they get off in Final Fantasy?
Atlus: They die.
Base Gastly: <Sits down on the ground> Twenty Questions, anyone?
<The three sit down and form a circle on the ground. The camera fades out and the credits roll. At the very end, the words "The End?" appear across the screen followed by an ominous hoot>
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