7/8/02 - Atlus Parker versus the Buffet Table: Showdown at the Golden Corral, a movie review by guest writer K.S.

    It's that time of year again. Time when Hollywood churns out over budgeted blockbuster films. Time for said films to fall several leagues below our expectations. Time for the movie going audience in America, as a whole, to scream "WHY?!" in unison. That's right, it's July. The month of overrated schlock, in anyone's opinion. However, despite the glitz and glamour, several shining stars manage to emerge. One of these is Atlus Parker versus the Buffet Table: Showdown at the Golden Corral. Shot on a budget of $13.50 and over a span of 90 minutes, it's a quirky little parable about love, bravery, and mashed potatos with brown gravy.

    First off, I'd like to retract earlier comments that I've made about Atlus Parker. He is not just a cheap, knock off Keanu Reeves method actor. In this movie, he really shows that he does have a softer, human side. He says clear of his trademarked brand of heavyhanded melodrama that is prominent in his breakthrough role in Monster Helix, nor does he overindulge in random idiocy like with his work on Base Gastly: Coast to Coast. Rounding off the cast list is Mr Magic as himself and an up and coming young actress as the Waitress Love Interest.

    Boy meets girl, or rather sees girl, is the basic premise of this film. Watching the first 15 minutes is like watching Dawson's Creek reruns as Atlus shows interest, does not act on it, and is overcome with anxiety. Ho hum. However, the film's message soon turns into a more interesting one: What will one do for love? Here, this is shown rather metaphorically, through Atlus' overindulgence in plate after plate of luke warm food, attempting to summon the few shreds of courage he has left. Enter Mr Magic, as the wisened, old sage. At first, he seems like a simple trickster, featuring parlor tricks to entertain the crowd. His purpose becomes deeper, as Atlus approaches him as part of a plot to get the Waitress Love Interest's number. Reluctant at first, Mr Magic agrees to the outlandish plan when he remembers his younger years. However, his interpretation is different than Atlus', as we soon find out. I will not go into anymore detail as not ruin one of the movie's most climatic moments, but we truly see Atlus' determination as he continues to pack in more food, thinking Mr Magic was going to be the end all/be all solution.

     Providing sage-like advice, Mr Magic plays homage to the late Obi-Wan Kenobi by pushing our hero on and on, but not getting directly involved. The rest of the film becomes fairly repetitive at this points, save for a few high drama moments as Atlus struggles with his fifth plate of Jell-O. Contrary to popular belief, there isn't always room for it. Another high point is when Atlus stands up and it looks like he's going to ask her, but then quickly ducks into the bathroom to relieve himself of gallons of Mr Pibb he had been drinking. Finally, we are presented with the climax of the film, as Atlus is filled with Mr Magic's wisdom and 12 racks of BBQ ribs. He makes his pass and (Do not read this if you have not seen the movie) is immediately shot down. Shrugging it off, the movie ends with Atlus leaving a 25% gratuity, an amicable parting with Mr Magic, and his final walk into the sunset.

     Overall, the entire experience is quite entertaining. The acting, although wooden at moments, is probably the height of Atlus' sordid career. The set was pleasant, giving one othe impression of actually being in a two star all-you-can-eat buffet. To sum it up, go see this movie before paying $8 to go see another Will Smith flop.

K.S.'s Final Rating: No Stars (Out of Five) Who watches movies without special effects anwyays? Atlus Parker I 0wnz j00!   -K.S.

7/7/02  - Atlus is a real life Harvest Moon. Yeah you heard me. No I don' run around milking cows, sowing crops, or even boozing up with some tripped out Harvest Sprite hallucinations. Induced by poison mushrooms I picked in the forest, of course. But I did bake a cake for Leslie's birthday. Heh, if only she had text bubbles with heart meters on the bottom. Other than that, things have been going good in my life. Don't get too excited, but it is quite possible that I may be returning to the game of Pokémon. This weekend, I will be playing at the Wizards of the Coast store at the Mall of America with Phantom X. This will make (or break) my future in Pokémon gaming. Hold your breath. And then prepare to feel the full glory that is DiRtY PoP 1.7. Speaking of the Mall of America, Planet Hollywood is a very fun, neat, interesting, etc. resturaunt. It gave me the oppurtunity to pose with one of the my greatest influences: Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Hopefully, I will upload some pictures of Atlus Parker (Hawaiian shirt disguise) and Atlus Parker (Decepticon logo tee shirt disguise) with these two, so look forward to that. If I'm lucky, when I take pictures with Atlus Parker (Decepticon logo tee shirt disguise), I can get that truly adorable waitress who served us last time to pose with me this time around. Keep your fingers crossed for me. And if you keep them crossed long enough, you might even get an added bonus: Pictures of DiRtY PoP in action and maybe even Atlus Parker (Middle aged Obi-Wan Kenobi disguise). Stay tuned for more... -AP

6/9/02 - Guess who's back, back again. Atlus is back, tell a friend. That's right folks, you've read right: Atlus is back. The cynical, dry, witty, et al Atlus we all came to know and love from February 2000 to November 2001 is back. You all may asked what caused the real Atlus to fade away. It mainly had to do with my girlfriend and I making a bigger commitment to each other. In your terms, we moved in together. I felt I had everything I needed and no longer wanted to be as much of an ass. Well, seven months later, she is gone. You heard me, the woman I worshipped is gone. What could bring on such a drastic change? Well, it's hard to feel the same for a person when they're defiling your bed with another person. Needless to say (And many rounds of fucks later), I kicked her out. Permanently. Any love I had for her, gone. Hell, any feelings for her are gone, period (Other than intense loathing). And just for making me through my sheets out, she is getting the worst punishment I believe someone can ever receive: Sami, my ex-girlfriend, is hereby stricken from official Atlus Parker history and lore. She is nothing more than a footnote, a running gag. Something to make us giggle at. And if you think I'm taking this hard, think again. For you Atlus buffs out there, you may remember this isn't the first time she's cheated on me. Last time she did this, I was a complete hysterical wreck. Verge of suicide if you will. But I overcame it and ended up taking her back six months later. This time is different. I did not shed a tear. I moved on, immediately. And I'm never looking back. And now, I'd like to give my thanks to the people that helped. First off, I want to thank Minnesota Joe. Dude, you're my buddy and we've through alot together. You're always there when I need to talk and quote BG: CtC. If it wasn't for you, I would not have made it through the first time that girl and I broke up. Atlus owes you his life. Hey, I think hell froze over. Next I want to thank my boss, Kelly. Overcoming obstacles such as being my boss and being in a different age group than I, you've managed to do so much for me and be a friend. You're always there to listen, not just for me and everyone else on the team. Despite my age, you've allowed me to be an adult and given me the chance to get out of my little aaprtment and go hang out with you and your family, friends. It's not every day someone puts faith like that in me. Last but not least, I'd want to thank the person who has helped me the most these past few days. Despite being two competely different people, having completely different interests and ideas, you've consoled me like noone else could. You reached out to my logical side and made me think about everything. Even though we never really hung out much, when you got my message you were the first person to run over and talk to me at the expense of your sleep. And even after that, you called to check up on me. You invited me out just so I didn't have to sit around and stare at the wall. Sure you don't like my rats, but so far you've been the most concerned for me. That's more than I could ever ask from you, and you'll never know how much it really means to you. Leslie, j00 r0x. Okay, enough with the thanking. People will start to get the wrong idea about me. Let me just end this by saying I'm back in the dating pool so don't forget to send in your applications for the Atlus Parker Fan Club. You just might become the next Mrs. Atlus Parker.

5/26/02 - Not too much to say. Noone comes here. I am once again in self exile. My date of return is TBA. In the meantime, I've been dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Not mine or my girlfriend's but my new pet rat's. That's right, I finally got that pet rat I always wanted. Matter of fact, we bought two since they're better in pairs. Well Skif, he was a she and now she's the proud mother of 11. Cute as hell the babies are. In other news, Arc the Lad Collection owns me. All spare time is devoted to it. Expect a full review when I finish Arc the Lad III and toy with Monster Arena. A very worthwhile game. As an added surprise bonus, Working Designs not only kept the Pokcetstation minigame "Choko Time!" in there, but they added a Pocketstation emulator so even you derelicts can get some extra loot. Go. Buy it. And tell them Atlus sent you. A puzzled look from a clerk is worth a million words. -AP

5/5/02 - Today's the 5th, right? Just checking. Does anyone know that I want to be a writer. And there's three things I want to write: Comedy (For a SNL type show), RPG scenarios, or screenplays. I'll take either one. For now, I'll content myself with Base Gastly: CtC and video game reviews. I don't write video game reviews? Well I do now. Read my very first one on Resident Evil (GCN). Please let me know all feedback on it and reviews you would like to see. I can do new releases, newer releases, older games, and retro games. Also, Base Gastly: CtC will see a short story that leads up to the movie which releases on the 16th. Hope you read it and like it. -AP

4/13/02 - He's back. -AP

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