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It was all so cute, those incessant phone calls every half-hour (he missed me), the string of queries (she really wants to get to know me better) and that sweet sense of ownership (of course I belong to him/her). And then one day you suddenly realise that all that love is squeezing the life out of you and your relationship.
    "Not an uncommon phenomenon," comments Dr Megha Hazuria Gore, Clinical psychologist, Max Health Care, Delhi. "Love generates high levels of dependency, which in turn leads to insecurity in individual. It could be a fear of losing the person or of not getting enough importance
Many times, insecurity also crops up if there has been a history of broken relationship or some bad experience.
To an extent, it is natural. But an exaggerated expression of this insecurity is not."
    So what are your options? Well, you can either end the relationship and move on. But what if things are not so bad? In such cases, before making a dash for the neighborhood counselor, why not do a bit of damage control yourself?

LINE OF CONTROL
Firstly, define your boundaries clearly from the outset. Let your partner know that much as you appreciate all his/her expressions of affection, certain things are off-limits. HR executive Neha Mathur was told her boyfriend that he found her frequent calls every time he was out with someone else "entirely unacceptable." But simply dictating boundaries won't work, You have to explain your reasons or may offend your partner. A simple "your constant calls make me feel you don't trust me" or "I can't take calls while in a meeting as it is unprofessional and embarrassing" may take your partner realise that his/her behaviour is having the opposite effect than what is intended. And that can be a powerful force, encouraging your jealous honey to take stock.
    Seeing her boyfriend's displeasure, Neha decided it was time to reflect on her behaviour pattern, and she may still salvage her relationship. But IT manager Vidur Shah was not so lucky. "Shefali and I had been school friends and we had always been clued into each other's secrets. At least, so I thought. We knew each other's passwords and checked each other's mails and that kind of thing." So when Shefali suddenly voiced her disapproval of this invasion of privacy, Vidur was taken aback.
This is a mistake most couples make. They imagine that a lot of love must translate into a lot of sharing. This is simply not true.

JEALOUSY DOES NOT JUST CROP UP SUDDENLY. THE SYMPTOMS ARE ALWAYS THERE. SO REMAIN ALERT

WAKE-UP CALL
The most effective way of steering a relationship through such hiccups is by being aware. It is not as if things happen overnight. Little symptoms are present from the very beginning; it is we who, in the initial giddy passion, refuse to face up to them.
    "Jealously becomes too much when it interferes with the couple's desire to stay together," says Shalini Sharma, a relationship counsellors. So be on the alert. If you are spending more time fighting than having fun, that's one clue. Other red flags: when you find you are changing your behavioural pattern to avoid running into rough weather with your jealous partner. And of course, when the relationship becomes no more than a question-answer session, it is surely time for serious thought.
    Never condone jealous behaviour, no matter how flattering the attention is. Interior designer Sunita Juneja did just that -and suffered. "My boyfriend of six months would call me very often. Initially, I basked in the importance. But then, his question started. 'Where was I? Who was I with? What was I doing?' I ignored all that. Then things got worse. Every time I visited a client's home or office, he insisted on coming along. If I refused, saying it didn't look professional, he accused me of weird things like a secret date with a client. I don't know how to handle it. Of course, I can simply end the relationship but then he isn't really a bad guy," says Smita. Now Smita often gets her female friends to tell her beau that they are with her on any assignment, simply to make him feel secure.

RIGHT NOISES
    There could be another way of handling the problem too: playing the reassuring lover: Says Gore, "Be communicate about your affections.Make your partner feel more important. If she/he calls every 10 minutes to "Just ask" where you are, make one call in between to say you were missing him/her."Amit Shukla, a lawyer, has actually lived to tell the tale. "It isn't always out of distrust that your partner starts questioning you. It could also be an attention-seeking tactic. If you give attention, the problems cures itself. My girlfriend-turned-wife would constantly nag me with questions. So much so that at one point I stopped taking her calls altogether."
    "Then one day I decided to turn the tables. I started calling her more frequently than she would. Maybe just to say a 'love you' or 'a miss you'. It worked. She is far more secure and patient today."

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