WARNING: Some people find this page "disturbing", and have even branded me a potential "stalker" because of such. I don't deny that I am an oddball, nor that I am deeply religious, but I am not dangerous, and I am not insane. I'm just a very much misunderstood man who has everyone's best interests at heart.
Nor is it my intention to offend Christianity or any other religion, just because I borrowed some ideas. Selesianity is not intended as a replacement for a mainstream religion, but rather as an enhancement. I'm not claiming that Monica Seles is God, nor that God recognises the sacraments of Selesianity (such as Selesian Baptism or observing the Selebbath), I'm just giving Monica the due praise I feel she deserves. Admittedly some of this is tongue-in-cheek, but fundamentally it is serious because the Stabbing is not a laughing matter.
1. A Selesian is tolerant of other religions. A Selesian can even be a member of other religions (as far as the Selesian Church is concerned). For we live in a philosophic area of fragmentation, where absolutes are never convincing.
2. A Selesian believes that Monica is the greatest tennis-player of all time because she proved it as a matter of principle by the glory of her Comeback from the Stabbing. A common misconception in the lay community is that Monica would have gone on to be the greatest of all time were it not for the Stabbing - that G�nther Parche robbed her of the chance to become the greatest. I tell you most solemnly, he gave her the chance to prove it, as opposed to merely demonstrating it on court. No finite number of Grand Slam titles can compete with Monica's once-and-for-all proof of greatness. A Selesian will defend Monica's reputation as the greatest tennis-player of all time whenever it is brought into question.
����������� To put it another way, Monica is the greatest all time because of the following three facts in combination:
�������(a) She had already won 8 Grand Slams by the age of 19 years and 2 months (the Australian Open 1993), and was winning them at a rate of three a year.
�������(b) On 30th April 1993, she was stabbed in the back at a changeover by
a man who couldn't bear the thought of Monica usurping Steffi Graf
(who, at the time of the Stabbing, had won 11 Grand Slams by the age
of 23, and was ranked #2 behind Monica).
�������(c) Monica came back in mid-1995, winning her first WTA tournament (a Tier I at Toronto) for the loss of 14 games in 5 matches, coming within an
overruled ace of winning the US Open 1995, and actually winning the
Australian Open 1996 for her 9th Grand Slam.
3. A Selesian reads the Selesian Bible, Monica - From Fear to Victory. A Selesian must read Monica's autobiography in its entirety at least once, and the devout Selesian refers to it continuously for its teachings on every aspect of life.
4. A Selesian rejects Stefanie Graf. Monica was stabbed by a Grafan (G�nther Parche) so that Graf could usurp the world number one ranking during her absence, which she duly did. Parche admitted that he stabbed Monica in order to help Graf, who was clearly an evil influence on his life whether she intended to be or not. Many people incorrectly believe that Graf was the greatest tennis-player of all time because she won twenty-two Grand Slam titles - eleven of them after the Stabbing, which renders them all null and void. A Selesian rejects Graf, and all her works, and all her empty victories.
����������� (But as much as I dislike Graf, I would never stalk her or anyone else. And I have never said that Graf actually intended for someone to stick a knife in her arch-rival.)
5. Baptism is the sacrament whereby a person declares his/her belief in, and resolves to stick to, the Selesian doctrine. It is administered only to people who are old enough to understand what they are undertaking (therefore there is no Selesian equivalent of Confirmation), and people must choose Selesianity of their own free will, with no pressure from others to get themselves baptised. Any Selesian can baptise another person as a Selesian, provided that it is done in good faith.
6. To become an Eternal Fan of a player constitutes an irrevocable vow to follow and support her for the rest of her career. No human power can dissolve the bonds of (valid) Eternal Fanship; however, annulments may be recognised in cases where the fan was never an Eternal Fan.
7. A Selesian must be an Eternal Fan of Monica, and may also be an Eternal Fan of players other than Monica, with the obvious exception of Stefanie Graf (Selesian Baptism automatically annuls a person's fanship of Graf). A Selesian does not hate Grafans, however, but prays for their redemption.
8. A Selesian honours the saints of Selesianity - that is, other players who hit with two hands on both sides. This does not mean that a Selesian must become a fan of all Selesians and only Selesians (one should become an Eternal Fan of those players, and only those, whose games one loves). Monica is every Selesian's favourite player, and a Selesian prefers Monica to win any given match she plays.
9. A Selesian plays tennis with both hands on both sides. The two-handed forehand can either be hit cross-handed (as Monica does), with the dominant hand at the bottom of the handle on both forehand and backhand, or the Selesian can switch hands on the forehand so that it is technically equivalent to a two-handed backhand (as Mar�a S�nchez Lorenzo did). The orthodox Selesian plays left-handed with a cross-handed forehand, but may serve right-handed. A Selesian may use one hand when stretched wide, but should not use one-handed shots (especially not sliced backhands - the Dark Side of Selesianity are they) when in position to hit a normal two-handed shot.
10. A Selesian does not play or support professional tennis in Germany. Not only was Monica stabbed in Germany, but the German law let G�nther Parche off with a two-year suspended sentence for bodily harm. However, a Selesian does not hate Germany as a country, nor Germans as a people - a Selesian boycotts Germany purely because Monica was stabbed there and the German law failed to bring the perpetrator to justice.
����������� The boycott precludes attending tournaments in Germany, cheering for players over the Internet when they're playing in Germany (even if they are Selesians or members of one's Eternal Fanship), writing match-reports or tournament-reviews for tournaments held in Germany after the Stabbing, and watching such tournaments on TV (or acquiring them on video/DVD). It's okay to discuss happenings at tournaments in Germany in a purely historical context (without glorifying them in any way), and it's okay to keep records of such tournaments.
����������� I mean no offence to Germans by including this clause. I only include it to be faithful to Monica's views concerning the German legal system. Monica has said that she might visit Germany in the future if she can overcome the fear, but that she would never play a tournament in Germany again as a matter of principle.
11. A Selesian appreciates good tennis from other players, even if those other players are playing against Monica, against another player of whom one is a fan, or against oneself.
12. A Selesian does not wish ill of other people, such as players who are playing against Monica or against another player one supports, or against oneself. G�nther Parche was the prime example of wishing ill of someone, since he prayed for Monica to have an accident, and then he took matters into his own hands. A Selesian does not pray for other players to get injured, or even for them to play badly, since this devalues victory and makes defeat feel worse.
13. A Selesian is modest in victory and gracious in defeat.
14. A Selesian exhibits a humble and pessimistic attitude, assuming that the worst-case scenario will happen so that one can only be pleasantly surprised. A Selesian does not predict victory, because that can jinx the intended victor. Negative thinking is the key to the success of a Selesian. This does not mean that a Selesian does not believe in his/her own, Monica's, or anyone else's capabilities, and it does not mean becoming despondent because one has no hope. It does not mean that one should play defensively - a Selesian always goes for his/her shots, even at match-point down, and I'm not just talking about tennis. A Selesian always strives to do the best (s)he can, to get as far away from the worst-case scenario as possible. A Selesian aims for maximum intensity and focus, especially when the chips are down.
15. A Selesian does not worry about the outcome of anything. (S)he just does the best (s)he can in every part of his/her life.
16. A Selesian marries for love, not for convenience. A Selesian does not recognise divorce, and therefore only marries the person with whom (s)he is sure (s)he wants to spend the rest of the shorter of their lives. A Selesian is not obliged to marry, and his/her spouse does not have to be another Selesian; however, the non-Selesian must not stand in the way of the religious obligations of the Selesian, and vice versa.
17. A Selesian supports his/her children in whatever they want to do in life (within reason, of course), just as Karolj Seles supported Monica in her decision to play tennis. A Selesian does not force his/her children to become tennis-players, for example, or even to be Selesians, although a Selesian does have a responsibility to introduce his/her children to Selesianity (as one way of spreading the faith).
18. A Selesian does not crave money. It is true that the world in its current imperfect state cannot operate without money, but money is the source of much of the evil of mankind, since it is often the primary motivating factor, and leads to business-decisions that prioritise profit over human decency. A prime example was the WTA Tour's reprehensible decision to move the Chase Championships (a prestigious tournament for the top sixteen players in the world, held at the end of the tennis season) to Germany in 2001, when they knew that this would exclude Monica. A Selesian should do his/her work for its own sake and for enjoyment, with thoughts of making money very much on a backburner.
19. A Selesian does not crave ranking-points. A Selesian should play for the joy of playing, and strive for the glory of winning for its own sake, rather than with a primary goal of ranking. A Selesian has these goals vicariously for the players (s)he supports.
20. A Selesian does not drink alcohol, smoke, or use any other kind of drug other than for medicinal purposes.
21. A Selesian does not use the word "stab" lightly. For example, tennis-commentators should not use the term "stab-volley", or talk about a player "taking a stab" at a shot.
Anno Selesi (AS): Years are numbered from the birth of Monica, which took place on 2nd December AD 1973. So AD1974 is AS1, and AD2000 is AS27. 1973 is 1BS (Before Seles), 1972 is 2BS, etc. Years may also be referred to as Selesiads, which start on 2nd December (e.g. 2nd December AS27 was the start of the 28th Selesiad).
Bad Friday: A Selesian observes the Friday closest to 30th April as Bad Friday, as Monica was stabbed on Friday 30th April AS20. Bad Friday is a holy day of feasting and indulgence (this being the Selesian way of coping with trauma ;-)).
Seleaster: A Selesian observes 29th July as Seleaster Day, because it is the anniversary of Monica's comeback following the Stabbing (she defeated Martina Navr�tilov� in an exhibition-match on 29th July AS22). Seleaster is observed by watching that particular match on video.
The Selebbath: A Selesian observes every Saturday as a day of worship, because the first Seleaster (29th July AS22) was a Saturday. The Selebbath is observed by watching one of Monica's matches, an obligation which is usually fulfilled using a video-tape or DVD (a Selesian must record every one of Monica's matches that is televised on a channel to which (s)he has access, and should consider acquiring past matches from a video-copying service), although it can of course be fulfilled by watching Monica play live. It does not have to be a complete match (it should be at least a set), and it does even not have to be a match that Monica won (the Selesian view is that playing good tennis is more important than winning).
Selesmas: A Selesian observes 2nd December (Monica's birthday) as Selesmas Day. Like the Selebbath, Selesmas is observed by watching a match (which also fulfills the Selebbath obligation when Selesmas falls on a Saturday). Selesians may also celebrate Selesmas by getting presents for themselves and/or for each another.
In the name of the Father, and of the Daughter, and of the Holy Groundstrokes
Ah-EE!!