Hats Off, Cheerios In

One day, after a long and tedious game of "Who gets to wear the hat with the thing on it tonight," it was decided that BT should. She was bitter with remorse but they made her anyway. But it was night, so she was still a girly. But no one noticed because they were stupid.
"I DUN WANNA BE A GUY!" shouted BT and stomped around tetchily.
Everyone laughed at her and she sneered and flopped off huffily.
Mike, who had since been turned into a wombat, rubbed his furry chin in ponderance.
"What Mike? What?" asked Davy. He had a worried face.
"Your face is worried, Davy." said Mike.
"Thanks." said Davy and unworried it.
"So what's up with you?" asked Peter.
Mike tried to find something wrong with Peter's face, but he was blank.
"Oh, well my hat. It's rather despondent lately." he remarked.
"Huh?" said Micky, who had wondered in with a Coke and a pack of pre-marked, non-marketed, almost-but-not-quite-illegal Cheerios.
"Where did you get them!? I WANT SOME!" shouted BT from the landing.
"Huh? These old things? They're just something I slipped on." said Micky, munching on them liberally.
Everyone stared at him oddly.
"MOMMY! MICKY HAS BREFFAST SERALS!" shouted MT, in awe. He was shocked to see they had something in common. "I WILL HELP YOU MICKYYY!" shouted MT and almost succeeded in grabbing the Cheerios.
"Hey hey." said Micky, and kept them at a safe distance.

"So, what's up with your hat?" asked Al who was unfazed by such stupidness.
"OH! Yeh!" said everyone in wonder at the hat dilemma. They noticed Mike didn't have his hat on but had thought it was just cause he was a wombat and it wouldn't fit.
"Well, you see, my hat... is.. jealous." said Mike.
"HUH?" said Link and bopped Micky on the head and stole his Coke and Cheerios.
"NOOOOOOO MINE!" said Micky, but was stopped short by a sword waving in his face.
"MOMMY LINKY HAS CHEEEROS!" said MT in distress.
"Yes, honeytangerine." said Al absently and stared at Mike.
"Are we forgetting anyone in this story?" asked Davy.
"MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shouted Sassip and punted them all out onto the beach.

"Oh. Right. How ever could we have forgotten?" asked Mike in a drab sarcastic voice.
"I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN!" shouted Sassip and made to punt them again, but Link zapped her and she quieted down.
"I am resentful of your ... your... zappy stick pointy nassssty thing," Sassip hissed quietly in revulsion and awe, and sssssslinked off to get a manicure.
"But but but but the nails that she does not have and why was she AWE and the HISSING and... and... and..." BT spluttered.
"I thought you floffed off huppily," Link said warily, raising his shield.
"NOOOO!!" BT screeched until MT seized Micky's Cheerios and began choking her.
"NO man hey hey those are MINE!" Micky shouted and grabbed the box back from MT. BT fell down and went boom.
"Glug," she said.
"You are not a she thing you are HE boy nasty thing la la," MT chortled.
"Excuse me. I'm scared of chortling. It makes me... hor... hor... IT!!" Sassip said.
"OH OH I WILL PRO-TECT YOOOOOU!!" announced Pink Thing boldly.
"Where did YOU come from?!" yelled Davy in unabashed .. uh.. shock. Yeah, shock. I was gonna say that.
"I... uh... Oh, I dunno," said Pink Thing in embarrassment and left quietly.
"OMIGOSH he WENT!" Sassip yelled, stuffing Linkypie, BTnastyboythinggrossickyicky, and the Cheerios into her pouch.
"NO!" yelled Micky in agony.
"Mommymommyyyy, whatsa Gony?" MT wanted to know.
"Micky is it, sheepish honey dear pie starfruit," Al said distantly.

"Excuse me. *I'm* supposed to be the plot focus - not to sound ARROGANT, we certainly have no arrogance HERE," said Mike, glowering at Micky, Sassip, and the figment within her pouch. "But I'm a furry wombat, and my hat has a psychothingyal complex thing. Yeah."
MT stared, eyes all aglow. "Oh!! Mike GLOWS! Shinyfur, he can be my pet," he said contentedly, and picked Mike up.
"Ugh noooo!!" Mike squirmed and wriggled out of MT's grasp, dropping to the floor.
"You know, the funniest thing," Sassip began. "I keep feeling this little prickling sensation in my pouch-"
"It's LINK, he wants OUT," Al informed her.
"Noo," said Sassip disgustedly. "Zappy thing HURTS. This just prickles me." BT, who had finally figured out that she could just poof out of Sassip's pouch, was poking at Mike the wombat, eyes all asmirk.
"Asmirk?" cried Micky in abject confusion.
Oh well um yeah... anyway. Shortly afterwards Cheerios started spilling out of Sassip's pouch.
"OH!" Micky yelled and dived after them, munching what he could grab.
"Eeeeewwww, you never eat stuff that was dropped and then stepped on by wombats and big things," said Al with distaste.
"I'm bored," announced Sassip, expelling the contents of her pouch all over Micky and the Cheerios, as she tralalaed out of the Pad to go have fun fun rolling times and get news coverage, and sleefish, and her sixteen minutes of fame. But... I digress, as always.

"HER POUCH! It's all insulated with with with FUR and the CHEERIOS and and that little squirmy BOY thing and and," stammered Link, stumbling around in a traumatized manner, tripping over Micky, Mike the wombat, and falling over on Davy.
"It's 'cause I'm short," he sighed.
"AHEM, I am a squirmy GIRL thing!! I am NOT a boy cause it's NIGHTTIME HELLO!!!!" BT screamed at the top of her lungs. But she was ignored, because they found it funny.
Eventually everyone forgot BT was ever a girl anyway. But that's a tale for another millenium lala.
Anyway, one minute Mike was a wombat, the next he was a vampire bat.
"OH!" said Mike and perked up.
"Lalala," said Davy, skipping about the pad happily.
Suddenly Mike was gnawing on his neck.

"YEEEEEEEK!" shouted Davy and bumped into things and fell over and squirmed and shouted and squeed unhappily.
Micky stared at him oddly. "What's up with you huh? Huh? Huh!?"
Davy kicked him and finished off his bumping and falling and squirming and shouting and squeeing.
Then Mike got bored of eating Davy and flew off to take a nap.
"Man, we have to get MT to make him Mike again." said Micky, munching on Cheerios still.
Davy was on the floor unconscious.
Link came over and zapped him.
"YEOOWWCH!" shouted Davy and ran off to find Sassip.
"Heyyyy why do that Linky thing!?" asked MT.
"Uh. I have no.. YACK!" shouted Link as Mike's hat suddenly suctioned onto his face.
"You have no yack?" asked Peter.
"WHAT!?" said Al who had wandered in with a glass of Coke and a sub-atomic magazine.
"A subawhatawhat?" asked Mike, from the rafters.
"OH HE'S AWAKE!!" said Davy in horror.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HORROR!" shouted Sassip who had followed him in. She punted him liberally.

Meanwhile Micky was eating the magazine.
"No, Micky, that's not a good thing." said Al.
"Oh.. I dunno why I'm eating this." said Micky and threw it out.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Al and dove after it.
Micky consequently turned into a magazine.
"AHAHAHAHA!" shouted BT and fell off the balcony. She landed on Davy who had landed somewhere no one knew where it was, but BT found it too.
"That sentence makes no sense!" shouted Link, who had managed to pry Mike's hat from his face and was trying to zap it, but it kept skittering about.
"This whole story makes no sense." said Peter and calmly poured some water, which spilled up into his face.
"Yeh, thanks. I can read MT dearest thingy!" said Al.
"Oh." said Micky sadly. He shrugged a magazine shrug and flipped through his pages idly.
"What's eating him?" asked Mike.
"Apparently himself! MAGAZINE CANNIBAL!" shouted BT tetchily and rolled off Davy.
"THANK POUNDCAKE!" shouted Davy and ran to the fridge to glut.
"NO! Thank MEE!" shouted BT and followed him.

Meanwhile, MT had turned Mike into a cat and he'd fallen off the roof, only to land on Sassip, claws out and ready.
"OUCH!" shouted Sassip, noticed it was a cat, and shoved him into her pouch. "You can help me with my pouch mites." she said happily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Mike as he was attacked from all sides by the foul mite thingies.
"Poor Mike." said Al and turned him back into him.
"OH THERE IS A CHICKEN IN MY POUCH!" shouted Sassip and expelled him.
"Okay this is a dumb story." said Peter quietly.
"You were not asked!" said someone.
"OH! OH!" shouted Davy and hopped up in a hurry.
"WHAT!?" shouted BT who was bopped in the nose when he hopped up.
"SOMEONE IS BACK!" he shouted and ran off to get flypaper.
"Okay, yeh, this story is getting weirder and weirder." Peter popped hauling pies funnyflack.
"WHAT?!" shouted Al and rolled off to a fishfry.
Anyway, sometime later when things gufed better liberally, sorpil went and the hat thing thing came back.

Meanwhile, Peter had fallen asleep on the couch.
"MMMMRRFF!" said Mike's hat and attacked him.
"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' shouted Mike and grabbed his hat.
Just then Linky walked in. Mike's hat turned bright red and wrenched itself from Mike's hands. It flew at Link's head.
"EEEEP!" shouted Link and ducked for cover, his hat spinning in mid air.
That was a rather adventageous thing because Mike's hat was out for yarn, and no one could stop it now.
On the floor the two hats scuffled unobtrusively until they tripped MT and the whole pad was flooded with pudding.
"MT! I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!" shouted Al from the sheeyower where she was taking a clothes bath, the water having suddenly turned to pudding.
"YARN YARN OH I MUST HAVE YARN!! NICE YUMMY WORSTED YARN!!" the hat squeed, but noooobody heard it cause it was talking in Hat language, which nobody understands. (Except Peter... but we should not go there at this time and thing. I'll tell you when you're older.)
"OH!! EEEEEK!" BT squeed as the Hat leaped for her head.
"I WANT THE HAT WITH THE THING!" it cried ravenously. It liked Things. Of course since nobody understands it, I'll quit typing what it says, cause it's annoying.

Link smirked and picked his hat up, placing at a jaunty angle on his cute little head so that it would attract girls from miles around.
"OH LINKYPOOS I LOVE YOU SO!" cried BT and flung herself on him.
"Oh oh oh there is CUTENESS, I must HAVE it!!" Sassip screeched, stuffing Link and BT in her pouch.
"Oh. Link is cute, I love him, and I will marry him when I am forty-nine," Al announced, and then scuffled off to clean the pudding out of the bathtub. It was leaving a nasssty puddingskin ring.
"Oh I always wanted a puddingskin doublet," Link said dreamily. However, his hat was no longer at the attractively jaunty angle on which his head hat once it been set on it, so Sassip expelled him and BT.
"May I take this time to point out that the last sentence is not something you should read if bad grammar make you whonky gonuttyings," Peter announced.
"No you may not," Micky snapped tetchily.

Meanwhile, Mike's hat had consumed the hat with the thing and was looking around frantically for more hats.
"Sassip, eat it!" Al urged.
"NO!!" cried Mike and Sassip simultaneously.
"No unison?" said BT and looked as if she might cry.
"It's MY hat!" said Mike stubbornly.
"Ugh the last time I ate it, it was soaking up my nice tasty stomach juices," Sassip complained.
Link looked green.
"Oh, he glows," MT said cutely, and got him all sticky.
"OH OH LOOK!!" BT screeched suddenly.
"What what what?!" cried everyone exasperatedededly.
"I found an article on knitting and it says how to make hats," said BT, who was flipping through the Micky magazine.
"Ewww, why do I have KNITTING articles?!" Micky said annoyedly, and gave BT paper cuts on every finger.
"OW!" she wailed and tried to climb in Sassip's pouch, but said sea beastie would have noooone of it. No sir. Uh-UH.

"I'm glad you're a girl again!" said Peter.
"You ARE?" said BT starrily.
"Um... um... noooo..." Peter said in abject confusion. "What was that doing in my line bucket?!" he said suspiciously.
"Yours is the purple one, right?" asked BT.
"Nope it's green."
"Oooops, I thought green was Micky's," said BT and ssssssslunk off embarrassedly to get a polishing from Sassip's manicurist, muttering something about never having been a boy anyway.
Al looked confused.
"But I thought she was a boy now?" she asked.
"She was." said Mike.
"But the hat is gone."
"BT isn't a girl silly!"
"Hey we are having an indepth conversation."
"Hey, we are...."
"Okay... BT's not a girl?"
"Nope. Apparently she never was."
"Well then how come she's always swooning over Micky and we call her she and stuff?"

Mike and Al sat there confusedly for 5 hours and got bored and confused and decided BT should be a boy.
"I will off and tell her immediately!" said Mike. "You take care of my back, I take care of yours!"
"I think its you SCRATCH my back and I scratch yours."
"Yeh, but my back isn't itchy. Is yours?"
"Uh.. Mike.. we're doing the funky conversationthing again.."
"OH!" shouted Mike in fear and ran off to inform BT she never was a girl.
"That's a mean thing to do to BT." said Micky.
"Huh? What do you know, magazine breath?!" asked Al.
"BUt she's really a girl."
"You don't know nuttin!"
"I know more than you!"
"STOP WITH THE CONVECTIONS!" shouted MT and thrashed around listlessly. "Convections?" asked Micky and Al. Al got bored and paged through Micky lustfully.
"Huh????" shouted Micky.
"Well you ate my subatomic magazine so you're it now." said Al.
"Why do you read magazines about knitting? I mean KNITTING? You don't evenknow HOW to knit! I mean..." started Micky but he never finished because Mike came back and started to shout.

"HEY THIS IS MY STORY HOW DARE YOU SEND ME AWAY TO TELL BT THINGS!" he said loudly and made a scene.
"I did not you volunteered!" said Al.
"Oh, anyway." said Mike and sat down. BT came in a few seconds later.
"I *AM* A GIRL!" she was shrieking.
"I know it." said Micky unhappily as someone pawed through his pages.
"OH MICKY! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!" shouted BT and fell over.
"She's a guy alright." said Davy.
"No she's a girl." said Sassip who felt like arguing. She always won. Just when people started to win she'd punt them.
"HEY, this story is about MY hat!" said Mike, grabbing Link's and stomping all over it.
"Now Mike, stop being so obtrusive!" scolded Al.
"AAALLL I *AM* a girl remember?" said BT angrily.
"Huh?" asked Al and stared at her. "You're a GIRL?!"
"UGHGHGH!" shouted BT and smacked Al continually about the head and face until she remembered. Which took the better half of the end of the story cause Al is really dense.
Anwyay, Mike's hat was still out for yarn, and spied Link's hat.

"NOOO not in the hat!" shouted Link and ducked again, his hat still spinning in the air. "Shoot it has to stop doing that!" he shrieked as Mike's hat whizzed by, colliding with it.
"You know, *ouch*, I think that the hat *ouch* is envious of *ouch* the other hats because *OUCH* it doesn't like to be *OUCH* outdone by other hatness *owwch*" said Al.
"Wellllll you know, there's only one way to settle this!" said Micky. "Howch?" asked Al.
"You have to get my old hairball...." said Micky.
"NOOOO!" shouted Peter and hid in the cupboards. Davy found him when he was searching for poundcake.
"I'm a girl," announced BT loudly.
"WE KNOW," shouted everyone except Davy and Peter and Mike.
"BeeTee is my BREFFAST SERAL friend!!" MT said happily, hoisting her over his shoulder and taking her off to the land of... of... youknowwhat... to feed her that.
"So... she IS a boy. Who knew?" shrugged Micky.
"In the meantime, where's Micky's hair?" asked Davy.
"Page thirty-nine," said Micky.
"NOOOOOO," said Davy in disgust. "That big nasty evil fro thing that ate us all.
"Oh, I dunno."
"You're a lot of help," said Al.
"Thank you!!!" said Micky.
"UGH," said Al and chucked him in the rubbish bin.
"Rubbish bin?!" said Mike, who was developing a jealousy complex to rival his hat, as this WAS his story, and he really wasn't getting very good scenes or dialogue. It was always MICKY, because of BT, or PETER, because Al & BT were his figments, or AL, because she was smart, or DAVY, because people fell on him, or SASSIP, who knows why, or MT, because he gets everything so sticky you can't ignore him... But Never MIKE. Oooh, no. Not ever once in a ...

Al had bandaids all over her head and face and was staring at Mike who looked about to kill something.
"MOOOMMMMYYYY KILLER BT BOY THING ESCAPED!" MT shouted loudly and wandered back in.
"Huh?" asked Al, afraid for her face.
Just then BT attached herself to Al's back and began to pound away at her. "I AM A *GIRL*!! *GIIRRRL*!!!!!" she shouted in sheer rage.
"Yah, whatever." said Micky and Mike was about to boot her across the street.
Just then Micky, who had finally managed to pull himself out of the trashcan thingy, had flipped to the fropage and was letting it loose.
"Fropage?" asked Davy. "Is he here? I thought he moved to the moon?"
"Tsk, this story makes less and less sense every second. It should never have been written." said Peter and went off to take a nap.
Just then a large ball of hats came rolling by, all of them trying to beat up on Mike's hat but having no success. Link's hat had borrowed Link's sword but even that did nothing.
Mike's had had been forced to throw up the hat with the thing, and a budding romance had begun between Link's hat and the hat with the thing. But now was not the time for romance.
M's hat, bitter than he could not keep the hat with the thing under his evil yarny reign, decided it must die like all the other hats. L's hat wanted a piece of the action so he'd gotten a large mob of other hats and they waged a hatty war.

"Okay, so.. none of you guys think this is the LEAST bit strange?" asked Peter who couldn't sleep cause it was just TOO weird.
Everyone had formed a little circle around the middle of the floor with chairs, couches and crates and were watching the hats battle it out in the little made-up arena.
"Huh? Weird?" asked Davy.
"Yeh, I mean.. HATS? FIGHTING!? FALLING IN LOVE? I mean.. that's weird.. don't you think, Sassip?" asked Peter.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING WEIRD!?" shouted Sassip and stuffed him into her pouch.
"So he doesn't think a huge green sea monster is weird, but he thinks a few hats are? Yeesh!" said Micky.
"I AM NOT WEIRD!" shouted Sassip, and punted Al with BT attached and shoved Micky into her pouch. But Micky's fro would have none of that.
"What will you have? The chicken fry is very good tonight," Mike inquired of Fro, appearing out of nowhere, quite himself except in a waiter uniform with a napkin over his arm.
Sassip ate him.

Anyway, moving onto bluer pastures, Fro unceremoniously expelled itself from Sassip's pouch and bounced onto the giant thing of hats.
"Wait my hat is in there!" cried Link and Mike. Well, Mike said "Wait, my hat's in there," but it was pretty much the same thing. Ummm, anyway.

"OH man, lookathat DERBY!" BT squeed with delight. "It's gonna beat the fedora, EASY."
"No way, the fedora's gonna win!" Davy countered.
"Nah, lookathat feathered one, it's just fluttering around cluelessly," Al snigged.
"I'm a girl," BT reminded everyone in case they'd forgotten.
"Sure babe," said Peter. "Wait, that's ... whose linebucket is this, anyway?"
"Oops, I forgot, I'm beating up Al," BT said, and resumed her pummeling.
"Ex-CUSE me, I thought I PUNTED you two," Sassip said, frowning.
"No, you didn't," said BT, innocent as choco-late cheeeezkak.
"I AM IN POUCHTIME!!" cried Micky joyously.
"Oh NOOO!! WHY IS HE JOY?" BT whinged.
"Ugh, I am not, the linebuckets got all messed up," said Micky in distaste. "Hey... um... I'm tired of being a magazine, this story is getting boring, someone change me back?"
"No," said Al & BT.
Micky sniffed and read his knitting articles.

Meanwhile, the fro had eaten the feathered hat and derby spoken of about two blocks up the way, where Al & BT and Davy were............ oops.
"See, I told you. The fedora's got the best outcome so far. It's taken down five derbys, two other fedoras, that nasty feathered thing, too many ski caps to count, and a skullcap," Davy rambled.
"Shut up darling," said Sassip. "Read some intelligent Micky nonsense," she said, and it was Pouch Time for Mr. Jones.
"Oh," said BT in a small scared voice.
"You know, the fro thing is eating everything," Mike said. He was a moose.
"My, but you look undignified," Peter murmured.
"SHUT YOUR TRAP, PLANK BOY!!!!" Mike screamed.
"BT?! Have you been RECYCLING what's in the linebuckets?" Peter said in shock.
"Wellll, not ALL of it..." BT said. "I just liked that line. It needed to be said again."

MT wandered through, with a big thing of lemonade pops. "Micky has Cheerios?!" he inquired.
"No," said Davy.
"Oh. I HAVE SOME FOR HIM!!!!" MT cried, crawling into Sassip's pouch with six boxes, only to come out again looking upset, because magazines can't eat.
"Whoooo will I feeeeeeeed..." MT wondered.
"SASSIP!" Al cried in horror.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!" squealed Sassip and punted her to the moon.
"Oh good, she can stop by Micky's new place," said Davy.
"MICKY DIDN'T MOVE TO THE MOON!! If he had he would've taken me with him," BT sulked.
"Oh do shut up," said Sassip and sat on her.
"Excuse me, but the fro ate all the hats," Peter said timidly, taking care not to offend Sassip.
"What about my hat?!!" cried Mike and Link (who had been silent up til this point because he was terrified).
"TURN ME BACK!" shouted Micky.
Al boredly agreed and turned him back. BT, seeing there was new folly about, beat *HIM* about the head and face.
"HA!" said Al, who had a full face cast because BT was so violent.
"OUCH OUCH! BUT YOU *ARE* A BOY!" shouted Micky and fell over with BT still banging away.
"I say she is." said Mike matter-of-factly.

Suffice to say they never could figure it out, so they called her she but when they referred to her she was a boy.
That confused everyone, well.. mostly Peter because he actually cares when stories don't make sense.
Anyway,having been returned to normal, the Fro got scared away by Micky's nice shiny normal cute cute fuzzy hair, and ran off leaving dilapidated hats in its wake.
"My hair isn't fuzzy," Micky sniffed.
"But you ARE a boy stupid." said Micky and more beating ensued.
"Anyway, there's my hat!" Mike, and collected it lovingly. It had amnesia and forgot its jealous rage (for now.. *dun dun DUN*).
"MY HAT!" cried Link, and collected his. Both hats recovered in due time, and it turned out that L and M's hats grew to love each other, and the hat with the thing took to residing permanently on BT's person.
It was suicidal since L's hat didn't love it anymore, but for some reason BT didn't mind, though everytime Al saw it on her she went "BLECK!" and smacked it with a flyswatter.

Anyway, so the moral of this story is never wear a hat with a thing on it because people will think you're a boy when you'ra girl, but we all know BT's a boy cause she just is the end lalala.P.S. she really *IS* a boy you know.
P.S.S. No she's not.
P.S.S.S. Shut up BT.
P.S.S.S.S. Make me!!!
P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. So anyway, like I was *SAYING*, we *ALL* know BT's a boy *kicks BT rabidly* and that she should shut up about it lalalaa.

Next Issue: BT's boyness leads her to be adopted because Micky thinks it's even dumber a BOY likes him and then Al's hair catches on fire and they put her in an urn and she turns into a urn genie and and and and then oh and then Mike's hat does this AMAZING somersault and.. oh wait that's not at all important...

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