Hat Comes Back
Or, The Untimely And Timeless Return Of The
Hat From The Oblivion Whence It Sprung

One day Peter was walking around chewing minty gum.
"Hi! You want some minty gum?" he cheerfully said.
"No," said Al.
"NOOOOO," said Mike.
"YEAH!!!!" screamed Micky.
"Ickyyyy," said MT.
"Huh???" said Davy, Sassip, and BT.
"Um...what was that all about anyway?" said Al.
"I don't know, Pita needs more breffast serals," said MT, poofing Al's hair into flowers.
"No no silly dear," Al said & turned it back.
"The hat with the thing on it?" said BT. Mike and Davy promptly rolled off to a chicken fry to avoid hat foopiness.
"No no no, it's.. Ooh it's a pwetty kiddie hat, I want it," MT said happily.
"Oh that's nice funny weird kid scary 21 thing," Al said absently, picking flowers from her head & planting them on Micky's shoes.
"Oh," he said in distress & ate a BPFL that nobody knew where he got it, because there had been no BPFLs in these stories for awhile. Um anyway.
"Oh yay it is mine mine mine I will put it on my head and all will be HAP-pyyy and I can feed breffast serals to my FRIIEEEEEENDS," he shouted.
"MY but he disturbs me deeply," Sassip sang, and shoved Micky, Al and BT into her pouch.
"I wanna go in the pouch toooooo!!!" MT whined.
"No you don't," said Sassip in confusion.
"Oh that's right I want HAT thingggg, it is time for me to have it," said MT & walked over to the door and let the hat in.

"GEEZ I had to wait for a full paragraph longer than was in my contract to even show up in the scene," whined Hat thing.
"Psst...we're ROLLING," whispered Sassip.
"No, we are!!" Mike and Davy said, rolling past.
"Oh my," said Al sticking her head out of the pouch. Sassip shoved it back in.
"MY HAT," MT said firmly and put it on his head.
"Oh yay I have someone to CONTROLLLL," the Hat said happily & made MT dance around like a thing.
"OMIGOSH the hat came BACK, however did such terribleness occur?" said Peter, coming in from the fridge. Micky was going to ask what he was doing in there, but it wasn't his turn to have a line. And as we all know, you'd best not go dipping your fingers in other people's linebuckets.
"Ooh well you know I was poofed off to oblivion & joined up with a cruise ship there, we stopped off at Unison and then...Ooh hey I have slides! You wanna see my vacation slides? I'll just have the kid poof up a slide machine and a wall here and...hey, he can't. WHY NOTT?? I wanna slide machine!!" whined the Hat & made MT thrash around like the dumb kiddie thing he was.
Al pretended not to notice. "MT dear knock that off." she said contritely.
"But Al that's not.." said Micky but got an elbow to the gut.
"NO YOU ELBOWED.. OOOFFFF" said BT, receiving a loverly elbow present as well.

Just then Sassip expelled everyone from her pouch and danced around happily. "Hey everyone! I have HEDGEFISH!" she said and threw one at Mike. It landed on his head, pinning his head down and consequently all he could do was flop the rest of his body around.
"MMMMMFFFPPPHHH!" he moaned in pain.
"OMIGOSH WHAT *IS* THAT THING SASSIP?!" asked Davy, in almost, but not quite horror.
"Oh oh oh.." said Sassip with a quivering lip. "Don't you dare...."
"Just answer!" said Micky, kicking at the fish that was as tall as Mike and was now residing deadly on his head.
"That's my hedgefish. They are akin to sleefish but hedgefish feed more people! I figured we could have a fishfry party and.." Sassip started but was cut off.
"NO NO NO!" shouted Mike, who had been so enraged by the talk of the fishfry party that he heaved the fish off bodily and stood up shakily, addressing Sassip with an evil eye. "YOU ARE *NOT* GOING TO HAVE A FISHFRY HERE! NOT UNLESS IT'S OVER MY DEAD BODY!"
"Oh, well that can be arranged!" said Sassip happily, but Peter tsked her.
"No no no Sassip we've had enough death plots. They are boring and stale now."
"But but but look at all the dumb hat plots!" said Sassip, her lip quivering again.

"OH OH Good segueway!" said Hat and jumped in. "HA with this kiddie thing I will turn you all into muffins or something!"
"Oh no you can't do anything. The only worthwhile thing MT can do is use Al's powers and probably take over her mind a little..." said Micky abstractly.
"MIIIICCKKKYYY!" shouted Al.
"Ooops.." said Micky and slunk back behind Mike who was staring knives and daggers and guillotines at Sassip.
"Oh I was wondering where that went," said Davy, taking his little guillotine away.
"Why does he have..?" asked Al but thought better of it.
"Oh this kiddie thing can control that more powerful thing?" asked Hat, to himself. "Well well well......." and he tried to but since MT never practiced it was really rusty.
"HAHAHA!" said Micky and was hit by something hard yet squishy.
"Ughghghg this one is really rusty," said Hat.
"We know, we already said that!" said the author.
"Oh, well anyway......." said Hat and tried harder. Suddenly Al sorta got a vacant look and had a dumb grin on her face.

"Oh ho it worked...." said Hat vaguely as it took alot of undeveloped MT brain power to control her.
"Ohhhh no fair! Only *I* am supposed to be able to do that! MT is supposed to only be able to use Al's powers directly!" whinged Micky.
"Shut up!" said Hat and thought even harder. Suddenly Micky was just as vacant. But no one realized til about 5 minutes later when he started kicking Mike for no reason at all.
"Hey," said Mike after about 5 minutes of abuse. "I think Hat took control of Micky." "Aren't you scared!?" asked MT Hat thing.
"No," said Mike and walked away, leaving Micky kicking air. He wasn't a very smart mindslave.
"I know, I tried once," said BT absently.
"WHAT?!" said Davy and came as close to horror as you could be without being it.
"Oh never mind," said BT & put Micky in a big bag & squashed him into the fridge somehow.
Suddenly Hat stared at Sassip (rather, MT did). "Omigosh... if I could control you I could punt everyone to kingdom come!!!" he shouted gleefully.
"Oh I would just eat you," said Sassip calmly & preened.
"OH she is PREENING, why does she preen?? She is a sea beastie!!" said Davy and was horr-
"Um... okay..." said Davy and was absolutely terrified.
"Good little flort," said Sassip vaguely & let him slide down her neck.
"Oh fun," said BT & tried it too but then nobody else could because the storyline was straying from the plot.

Hat gave up Micky cause he was too much trouble and wasn't worth it, & concentrated on trying to control Sassip.
"PUNT PUNT PUNT!!!" Sassip shrieked suddenly and punted BT and punted Davy and punted Al and punted Mike and punted Micky who had just burst out of the fridge seething with irkedness.
"Oops she is hard to control, she punted Al," said Hat in annoyance but did not dare to give up control of her lest she punt him back to oblivion.

About a minute later, everyone was back at the pad from their puntedness and Davy was a sockdrawer without a dresser, Mike was a pipe cleaner, BT was a fruitcake, and Micky was a phone book.
"Oh my gosh what the heck?!" shrieked the fruitcake & flung itself at the phone book.
"OH YOU'RE GETTING THE PAGES STICKY," said Sassip in disapproval & ate fruitcake BT.
"But...Saaaaassip... NO-body likes fruitcake," said Davy in a shocked tone.
"Nobody. No-BODY likes it. Least of all me," added Mike.
"NOOO NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE!!" shrieked Hat and cringed.
"What?" said everyone.
"Oh never mind," said Hat & turned Sassip into a sleefish.
"OH I am my favorite crunchable," Sassip said happily & swam around, not realizing there was no water in which to do so.
Al sat around vacantly.

"Wow he is controlling her for a really long time!" observed Micky.
"Yes well. I'm a hat," said Hat conceitedly.
"Apparently you are dumb too as that has no bearing on it whatsoever," said Micky.
"Oh but it does," said Hat evilly. "Hats don't require sleep."
"Oh.... but... oh... uh... er...." said Micky and was scared.
"Well I know. We have to make Hat lose control of Al and then he won't be able to do big scary things!" said Mike and tickled MT.
"EHEHEHE!" said MT and Hat almost lost control of him but he somehow managed to turn Sassip into a hedgefish and have her throw herself onto Mike's head again.
"MMMMMPPHHGOOOGG!" said Mike and was tired of all the fish.
"Hey you.. ergh.." said Micky.
Mike, however, being a pipecleaner, managed to squirm out from under the ucky fishy mass of Sassip.
"Ugh my heaaaaddd!" wailed Sassip suddenly coming to again.
"YOUR HEAD!?" shouted Mike. "MY NECK!" and indeed his neck was horribly bent and crooked.
Peter was hiding as he was not turned into anything.
"HEY WHERE IS PETER?!" shouted BT none too secretively.
"OH PETER!" shouted Hat. "MY ARCHNEMESIS!"
Everyone giggled at this. "WHAT!?" shouted Peter.
"OH OH YES I WILL EXACT MY REVENGE NOW!" said Hat and was about to fling himself at Peter but remembered.
"DARN!" shouted Mike and curled around MT's legs so Hat couldn't move anywhere.
"WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE A PERSON SIZED PIPECLEANER!?" shouted Hat at Al. Al gave him a vacant giggly look and drooled.
"Ugh the things I have to work with.." Hat sighed and made her turn him into a Dum Dum.
"Mmmm I love lollies.." said Peter.
"PETER YOU DOOF!" yelled Mike and wiggled around on his stick.
Hat turned Sassip back into herself and took over her mind again.
"PUUUUUUNNNNNNNNTTTTTTT!" she shouted but she was too slow because the reception wasn't very good so everyone had time to squee and run out of the way.
"SQUEE!?" shouted Hat and kicked at Mike.
"WHOOOOARGH!" shouted Mike and lost his wrapper.
"OMIGOSH MIKE IS NAKED!" shouted Al and fell over.
"Oh oh oh.." said Micky and flopped around.
Just then Sassip spit up BT who was a mushy sticky nasty mess.

"UGH I AM HALF DIGESTED!" she shouted as if anyone cared. Well Hat did cause he was getting a migraine only it wasn't cause he doesn't have migraines it was more like an intense throbby achey stabbing pain in his spinny thing.
"UGH!" he shouted and turned her into a pot of coffee just to shut her up.
"Oh..." burbled BT and barfed.
"OH Alliteration," said thingy and bounced around.
"THINGY?!" said Someone and ran off.
"Ugh that was annoying." said Hat and ruminated about things.
"Whatcha thinking about boss hatty ting?" asked Al loudly and dumbly.
"Ugh why are you not all vacant anymore?" asked Hat. Al got a weird thoughtfully pained look across her face.
"Ugh nevermind." said Hat and made her mute.

Meanwhile Mike, Micky, Davy and half of BT was trying to figure out how to make MT and/or Hat lose control of Al.
"Gee, how do we make MT and/or Hat lose control of Al?" asked Davy.
"I dunnoooooo I just wanted some minty gum," whined Micky.
"I don't care, I can just make me me again, la la," said BT and turned back into herself. She immediately started pawing through Micky phone book pages.
"STOP THAAAAT," he protested.
"But I wanna order pizzaaaaa," she whined.
"Oh for cripes sake, this is stupid," said Mike in disgust.
"Oh the idiot is a thing again," said Hat & turned BT into a tellyphone.
"Rhing rhing," she said.
"OMIGOSH WHAT THE HECK?!" said Mike and was really really really disturbed. He reached over with his sticky lolly self & picked up the phone and held it up to Davy's sock drawer handle.
"Hello?" said Davy.
"Hi Davy! I can heeeear yooooou," said BT.
"AAAHHHH," said Davy & attempted to pour socks onto the phone.
"WILL YOU PEOPLE BE QUIET, I CAN'T GET A THOUGHT IN EDGEWISE!!!" Hat screamed, and muted them all and put a lock on BT's powers.

"Owwwwwwooo I think I sprained the weird thing that looks like thing's brain thing," Hat mused. "It keeps wanting lemonade pullets. Uh, pops...yeah pops. Maybe I should give it some. I think I will," Hat said, smiling brightly, and made Al poof up some pops. MT promptly devoured them.
"AAHH SUGAR RUSH!!!" screamed Hat and toppled off MT's head. Al immediately fixed everyone and there was chaos and everyone talked at the same time.
"Uhoh, my hat fell off," said MT & put it back on.
"NO NO NO NO YOU IDIOT!!!!" Al shrieked & tried to grab it off him.
"OH MICKY you're not a phonebook!!" BT said & flung herself at him but he bounced her off with field thing because she was sticky and he almost told her to go take a sheee-yowerrrr so she wouldn't be icky from fruitcake but then he thought better of it because she was indirectly related to MT and oh who knew what would happen. AAAAANYWAY.

"My that was stupid," said Peter & curled up & fell asleep.
Then Hat started doing terrible horrible simply awful bad things to everyone and Sassip was horror.
"She is horror," said Davy.
"Sassip's horror," said Micky.
"She's horror alright yep," said Mike tiredly.
"Yeah," said Peter.
"Uh-huh," said BT.
"Eehehehe," said Al who was out of it.
"OHHHHH!!" Sassip shrieked.
So naturally Pink Thing picks an inconvenient moment like this to come barging in.

"SEA LILY MY DEAR!!! I will save you from whatever horror you may be facing!!" he said and tried to sound bravely but mostly was just wussy.
"My naaaaaame is SASSIPPPP, and you make me WORSE HORROR," screamed Sassip.
"No no your name is Lilyfrond but I like to call you Sea Lily because your headspikes are like-" Pink Thing started but was suddenly afraid because MT was wearing a purple & yellow corset (with propellor).
"EXCUSE ME?!" Mike said, casting a deeply frightened glance at the author.
Uhh, MT was wearing a purple and yellow BEANIE (with propellor), and salivating wildly.
"Lilyfronnnnnnd the Micky thing is looking at me funny," Pink Thing whined effeminately.
"OHMYGOSH I bet if I controlled THAT thing's brain I could rule the WORLD!!" said Hat, and made Al take him off MT and put him on Pink Thing.
"YAY!! Now I will punt you all!!" said Hat, and punted Davy and then BT and then MT and then tried to punt Sassip but she punted him to oblivion.
"Noooo not oblivion! He'll just come BACK!!" Al protested.
But it was too late. Sassip shrugged.
"Oh well. I'll eat him."
Al promptly fell over and went to sleep for a month.
"MOMMY MOMMMMYYY!" shouted MT but couldn't wake her for a month. Micky and BT stuffed their faces with BPFL, Davy and Mike had chicken fry leftovers and poundcake, and Peter was napping serenely on the couch. Sassip had a fishfry party in her pouch and didn't invite Pink Thing who whined horribly til he got punted after Hat.
Poundcake danced about amusing the general populus and Sparkplug came in to try and get Mike to water her but he was too busy eating so she joined in.

The End.

Next Issue: Micky's hair gets really huge and starts eating people, and Al discovers makeup.

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