17April00

well, i survived the weekend. friday, i ended up flaking on cory...i was just not very motivated to do anything - plus, it's funny, after about a year of being away from her and missing her, i remembered what i guess i've always known - i can only take cory in small doses. i think her fakiness starts to get to me - i love her and all, but i just want to tell her to get real sometimes...plus, she's so damn gorgeous, she starts to make me feel dumpy...i know that's a horrible reason not to spend time with somebody - but i don't like feeling ugly, and it doesn't matter how good i think i look at home, when i get next to her - i just can't compare.

she's also in some multi-level sales gig right now, and her schpeal was a little annoying. i already lost two years of my life to one of those brain-washing cults and it's hard for me to listen to her and be supportive when all i can think about is that black hole of time in my past....and she's talking like a mormon all of a sudden - apparently a couple of her friends in baltimore are mormons and they're getting her all preachy (this coming from a former stripper and all - it's a bit difficult to swallow)...now it just sounds like i'm ragging on her. i guess i'm just trying to make myself feel better as to why after a year of wishing she were back - i'm already finding myself avoiding her...go figure.

saturday night with my brother went okay too - he drank like a fish, but he never reached that point of no return that scares me so much...it's unbelievable how much he can drink. at first, he wanted to go out, and i really wasn't feeling like it, but i was going to go, because i felt bad that he was probably bored...then there was an accident up the street and the road was kind of blocked - so paul saved the day and suggested we just skip it.

all in all the weekend went swimmingly - it's like i've said before, i think i handle stress better than i handle the threat of stress...i was so worked up on friday evening - i didn't want to see cory, i was afraid of picking dan up the next day - blah, blah, blah.... he did piss me off by smoking in my bathroom in the middle of the night, however. he's pretty much a chain smoker (i gathered that because if you're waking up in the middle of the night with a nic-fit, you know it's bad) - and he's the worst kind...because he's so inconsiderate about it. he smoked in my car when i asked him not to, he smoked in the non-smoking hotel room, he tried several times to light up in the airport, but i knew we'd be kicked out if i let him do that...he even readily admits that he's always smoking where he isn't supposed to be.

and he really complains about me because i'm an ex-smoker which apparently makes me unqualified to be annoyed by smoke at all. i tried to explain to him - that in order to quit smoking i had to concentrate very hard on all of the aspects of it that disgusted me the most - that way, hopefully the unpleasant thoughts would override the nicotine fit i was having...you can't just shut that off - it utterly disgusts me.

well - i suppose that's enough of a bitch session for one day, eh? tonight paul and i are taking his folks out for steaks...i'm pretty excited about it. send me all your ultra-charming vibes.