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Last update: 11 Jan., 2004

 

A hole in the ground in Homs: In Homs, there was a big hole in the ground. Everyday people would fall into this hole and injure or even kill themselves. So the mayor of Homs sent three ministers to visit the hole and attempt to find a solution. The first minister said: “We'll just park an ambulance by the hole, and when someone falls in, we’ll just drive them to the hospital.”
The second minister said: “No, No... The nearest hospital is over an hour away. They will die before they get to the hospital. We should just build a hospital here next to the hole. This way, when someone falls in, the hospital is right here.”
The third minister said, “No, No... Why do you want to spend all that money to build a hospital just because of a hole? It will be much cheaper to fill up this hole here and dig another hole next to the one already standing an hour away.”


Homsi learning mathematics:
A Homsi student is at home doing his math homework. He says to himself: “Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.” That moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. “Son, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?” The Homsi student answers: “I'm doing my math homework, Mom.” Shocked, she asks: “And is that what your teacher taught you?” The Homsi student replies: “Yes.” The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, rushes to her son’s school to talk to the teacher. She says to his math teacher: “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?” The teacher replies: “Right now, we are learning addition.” The Homsi’s mother asks: “And are you teaching him to say, ‘Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?’” When the teacher stops laughing he explains: “Not at all! What I teach him is, ‘Two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.’”


Q 1: Do you know why Homsis don’t sleep with their wives these days?
A: Because they heard people say it’s not right to sleep with married women.

Q 2: Why did the Homsi choose a dog as a pet?
A: He wanted someone to take him for a walk.

Q 3: How does a Homsi thinks he won the lottery?
A: He buys the ticket with the winning numbers the day after the lottery.

Q 4: Why does a Homsi wear a condom when masturbating?
A: He doesn't want to spread a disease to himself.

Q 5: Why does a Homsi watch the news?
A: To see what mistakes he made today.

Q 6: Why does the Homsi want to work in Disney world?
A: Because he is so Goofy.

Q 7: Why did the Homsi keep his condom on for 9 months after having sex?
A: To make sure she’s not pregnant.

Q 8: Why did the Homsi drink so many cans of beer?
A: To make money on recycling the cans.

Q 9: When can you tell if a Homsi had too much to drink?
A: When they start to make sense.

Q 10: How do you become a doctor in Homs?
A: You must know that the thermometer can also go in your mouth. Just wash it first.

Q 11: A Homsi was fighting with his wife. Then he suddenly decided to stand on the table. Why??
A: So that his wife doesn’t tell him: “Ya Watee.”

Q 12: Why does the Homsi take a table spoon with him in the shower?
A: To mix the hot and the cold water.

Q 13: Why did the Homsi put 2 TV's on top of each other?
A: So he can see the reporter’s legs.

Q 14: Why do you think people aren't afraid to put Homsi jokes on the internet?
A: Because the internet hasn’t gotten to Homs yet.

Q 15: A Homsi and a Palestinian got married, what was the outcome?
A: A child that throws stones backwards.

Q 16: Why does the Homsi take a car door with him to the desert?
A: So he can open the window if it gets hot!


A Homsi Commits Suicide:
Three construction workers in Lebanon would eat their home-prepared lunch together everyday on the scaffold: an Egyptian, a Sri Lankan, and a Homsi. Everyday, it was the same meal for each of them. The Egyptian would complain: “Oh no, toomieh again!”
The Sri Lankan would say: “Oh no, fried roaches again.” The Homsi: “Oh no, basal akhdar we khebez again!” Day in and day out, the same meal, the same complaints, until one day, the Egyptian says: “Oh no, toomieh again, I can’t take it anymore,” and he jumps off the scaffold to his death.
The Sri Lankan: “Oh no, fried roaches again,” and jumps to his death.
And similarly, the Homsi goes: “Oh no, basal akhdar we khebez again! I can't take it anymore,” and so he jumps off the scaffold to his death. The next day, at a triple funeral, the wives are weeping together. The Egyptian’s wife says: “If I only knew he could not care anymore for toomieh, I could have
prepared for him a different meal.”
The Sri Lankan, similarly, says: “If I only knew, I could have given him fried rats, or other insects.”
The Homsi’s wife says: “I do not understand why he killed himself. He used to prepare his own lunch.”


A Homsi woman went to the department store. She asked the salesman: “How much is that TV?” He replied: “I'm not going to sell it to you.”
Puzzled, she went and got her hair done and changed clothes. She came back and asked him again the price of the TV, getting the same response. So she got her hair dyed and came back. Again, when she inquired about the TV, he replied that he wouldn't sell it to her. So she bought a hat and sunglasses and a fake moustache. The man said: “I am STILL not going to sell it to you!” Taking off her glasses she asked him: “How do you know it's me???”
The salesman responded: “Because that’s not a TV. It’s a microwave.”


A Homsi wanted to pass the ocean swimming. After he cut nearly 3/4 of the ocean he felt very tired, so he changed his mind, and turned back.


Come directly home:
One day children in school were bored so the teacher in order to change the atmosphere said: “who wants to go to heaven?” All the children raised up their hands except the Homsi student.
The class teacher said to the Homsi student: “Don’t you want to go to Heaven?” The Homsi student replied: “No, my mother told me to come directly home after school is over.”


The President of Syria visiting Homs:
The president of Syria was going to visit Homs once, so the Defence Minister told the Honour Guard Soldiers to fire 21 shots to welcome the President once he descends from the plane. A Homsi soldier asked him: “Sir what if I kill him from the first shot shall we continue shooting the 21 shots?”


The 7up sweepstakes:
The 7-up company began running a new promotion in the Middle East. They were giving away instant prizes by getting the winning bottle cap. When a Homsi bought a bottle of 7-up he lifted his bottle cap and it read: “Sorry, please try again!” When the Homsi read this, he proceeded to put the cap back on the bottle and try twisting it off again. To his surprise, the cap said the same thing!


A Homsi applying for a driving license:
A Homsi was at the Department of Motor Vehicle applying for a driver’s license. He filled out all the questions: his name, birth date, eye colour, etc. When he was asked “sex,” he wrote “3 times per week.” The gentleman at the DMV, after reading the application, explained: “This question is not how many times a week you have sex, you should put male or female.” The Homsi replied: “Well, sir, I prefer female, but it really doesn’t matter either way!!!”


Q 1: How do you keep a Homsi busy all day??
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Q 2: How do you make a Homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q 3: Why did the Homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said “concentrate.”

Q 4: How do you keep a Homsi busy?
A: Write “Please Turn Over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q 5: Why can’t Homsis make ice-cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q 6: How did the Homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Q 7: Why did 18 Homsis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed!!!

Q 8: What do you call a Homsi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q 9: Why did the Homsi take his typewriter to the doctor??
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed
a period.

Q 10: A Homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

Homsi #1: “Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
Homsi #2: “No, who wrote it?”

What about the Homsi wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.


Homsi: “Excuse me sir, what time is it?”
Man: “It’s 3:15.”
Homsi: (puzzled look on his face) “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that same and same question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”


A Homsi in the US was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said: (DISNEYLAND LEFT). After thinking for a minute, he said to himself: “Oh well!” and turned around and drove home.


The Syrian government has created a website for the country to encourage people to visit Syria. Well, the people of Homs meet with the President and demand to have their own website. The President argued with them that as Homs was within Syria that wasn’t necessary. They insist and in the end he consents. They say they want two websites, not one! He can’t get what’s wrong with these people, so they explain that they want one for the winter and one for the summer. Baffled, he asks why. They reply that they want the winter one to be called: “www.homs.com;” and the summer one: “www.homs.nuscom.”


A Homsi and a Shami were about to depart together in the same double-decker bus from Damascus to Homs. The Shami goes to the bottom level and the Homsi goes to the top of the bus and sits directly above the Shami. An hour into the journey, the Homsi shouts down to the Shami and asks him how long till he'll get to Homs. The Shami says that they've been on the road for an hour already so it won’t be long till they get there. Surprised, the Homsi says: “You're so lucky; our driver isn’t even here yet!”


A French tourist enters a restaurant in Homs and sits on a table; the Homsi waiter comes and asks: “What is your order?”
The tourist answers: “a steak NOT too grilled, a peach NOT too ripe, a cup of coffee NOT too strong, and a glass of water please.”
“Do you want the water NOT too wet,” asks the Homsi waiter?


In a coffee shop a Homsi asks the waitress:
“Can you get me another sugar-cube to put in my tea!”
“But, but...This is the 8th one that I get you!”
“It's not my fault if they always melt!”


Death Row in a prison:
Three men are about to be executed. One’s a British, one’s French, and one’s a Homsi. The guard brings the British forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim…”
Suddenly the British yells: “EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Everyone is startled and throw themselves on the ground while he escapes. The guard brings the French forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim…”
Suddenly the French yells: “AVALANCHE!!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while he escapes. By now the Homsi has it all figured out. The guard brings him forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts: “Ready! Aim…”
And the Homsi yells: “FIRE!!!”


The Homsi and the Pepsi machine:
It was a really hot day and this Homsi decided he would go buy a Pepsi. He went to the Pepsi machine and when he put his money in, a Pepsi can came out. So, he kept putting money in and getting Pepsi cans out.
And since it was such a hot day, a line of people had formed behind him. Finally, a guy in the line said: “Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!”
And the Homsi replied: “No way. I'm still winning!”


Turn to a Blank Sheet:
One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that the Homsi student was having trouble with her directions. “Haven’t you found a blank piece of paper yet?” said the teacher. “No. I haven’t,” replied the Homsi. “Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages.”


First Class Homsi:
A Homsi boards a plane to Lebanon with a ticket for the economy section. He looks at the seats in economy and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, he moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks his ticket and tells the Homsi that his seat is in economy. The Homsi replies: “Don’t think you can fool me because I’m a Homsi, I’m going to sit here!”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the Homsi problem. The captain goes back and tells the Homsi that his assigned seat is in economy.
Again, the Homsi replies: “Don’t think you can trick me because I’m a Homsi, I'm going to sit here all the way to Lebanon.”
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the Homsi with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he knows many Homsis and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the Homsi’s ear.
The Homsi immediately gets up, says: “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to his seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the Homsi. He replies: “I just told him that the first class section isn’t going to Lebanon.”


A man approached a Homsi at the end of a drinking-bar and said: “Excuse me, Homsi; I can't help notice that every time you have a drink, you shut your eyes, why?”
“The doctor’s orders,” replied the Homsi. “He told me never to look at a beer again.”


Back to Syria:
A Homsi is in the UK and wants to return home,
he is just wondering how long is the flight back home, so he calls British Airways and asks:
“Is that British Airways?”
“Yes it is,” comes the reply.
“Could you please tell me how long does it take to fly from London to Syria?” asks the Homsi.
“Ah, let me see … just a minute …” comes the reply.
“Thank you very much,” says the Homsi and hangs up the phone!


A Syrian & a Homsi (what a couple):
A Syrian and a Homsi were out for a night in a Lebanese town. As they were walking by the fence of a path, they saw a small Sri Lankan maid who, upon seeing them, freaked out and tripped and fell over the fence and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence.
The Syrian, seeing this, ran to her and lifted up her little skirt, bent and fixed her strongly against the fence and “took advantage” of her from the rear while she was screaming uselessly in vain.
The Syrian then turned to his Homsi countryman and said: “Come-on, it’s your turn now.”
The Homsi started crying angrily; so, the Syrian, surprised, asked: “Why are you crying, comrade? What’s wrong? Don’t worry, all of our home-folks do this often because here in Lebanon we have a carte blanche!” But the Homsi wept and cried out sadly: “But my head won't fit between the railings of the fence!”


A learned Homsi was applying for work in Lebanon. He filled the required information in the spaces next to:
NAME,
AGE,
ADDRESS, etc.
Then he came to the space next to SALARY EXPECTED, and the Homsi wrote: Yes!!


A Homsi is racing to his convertible as it begins to rain heavily. All of the sudden, he screams “NO, NO!!!!” A man standing near by rushed to his aid: “What’s wrong?”
The Homsi said, “I locked the keys in the car and the top’s down!”


A Homsi and his classmates had just finished a tour of the Syrian Fire Department. Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little the Homsi student: “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?” The Homsi replied promptly, “I don’t put them on, stupid!”


Homsi getting married:
Friends told him to take a gun.
If she is virgin wave to us if not shoot her.
First day he waved to them.
Second day he shot her.


There was once a Homsi playing with a grenade. A man calls on him saying “watch out it might explode.”
“Don't worry,” replied the Homsi, “I’ve got other ones.”


There was once a Homsi girl drowning. A man runs to her rescue: “Give me your hand!”
Homsi girl: “Request it from my father!”


River Walk:
There’s this Homsi who goes out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another Homsi on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” he shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second Homsi looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”


Speeding Ticket:
A police officer stops a Homsi for speeding and asks him very nicely if he could see his license. He replied in a huff, “What are you guys stupid? Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”


Two Hosmis are walking down the street. One reaches into his pocket, finds a small mirror, so he picks it up and looks into it. “This picture looks like someone I know” he says. The other Homsi has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME....”


There was a Homsi who was having financial troubles so he decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. He went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: “I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Homsi.”
He pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, he returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note: “Here is your money. I cannot believe that one Homsi would do this to another!”


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.
“Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. He’s a Syrian from Homs, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.”
 


Two Homsis realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of the Homsis.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first Homsi.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
 


Homsi Infant Scale:
At a pharmacy, a Homsi woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," responded the Homsi woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."


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