Submitted: 02/25/01
Subject: So, This Friend of Mine, Who Isn't Me...Q: � � � � Well, he knows this girl over the Internet. From what he tells me, they've been talking for a while now and he seems to really like her. He's not sure how she feels towards him, but he thinks the feeling may be mutual. The only problem is, the two have a bit of a distance between them. Now my question to you is, should the two bother trying anything out? I know he seems pretty keen on the idea, but neither of us know how she feels about it.
� ---Anonymous, Anytown USA
A:� � � � Just for you, Anony, I'll put this in a form even "your friend" can understand.Step 1.)� � FIND OUT how she feels. Yeah, it might involved actually asking, and it might ruin the cute little "flirty" thing they have going on, but seriously, you can't do a daggone thing until you know how she feels.
Step 2.) � � If she accepts, then initiate standard dating procedure. If she pulls the "let's stay friends" line, then, in the words of Monty Python, "Run away! Run away!" Or, attempt the friend thing, and pretend she didn't crush your heart under her nine-inch, steel stiletto.
Alternate Step 2.) � � In the instance she flat-out says "no"....(Warning: Do not attempt if you have previous criminal charges, a large number of detentions, or a bad rep of any sort, are smoking, pregnant, have a heart defect, or are sane in any way, shape, or form.) Send numerous batches of flowers to her house, beginning with more expensive, and each day getting cheaper and cheaper, until she receives a bunch of dead clovers tied to a real rabbit's foot....keychain optional. Naturally, I didn't tell you this....and you'll most likely find out the inner workings of your local police precinct....but it'll be fun until you're caught....right?
---Leandra
Submitted: 02/23/01
Subject: What Comes After "Hi"?Q: � � � � Help! I am friends with lots of guys, but I'm not very good once I get close to them. Instead I screw it up and I don't know what to do...it either turns into love or I'm just mean. Any advice for a how to have REAL GUY-friends?
� ---Q-Tpie, SoCal
A: � � � � Well, Q-T, as a chick with lots of guy friends, I can tell you; I haven't the slightest idea. It just sorta kinda happens.� � � � I will say, however, that if this sort of thing happens all the time, then you're probably confusing crushes with love....that and the fact that you're a heartless wench. Ok, maybe not quite yet...but you've definitely got the makings for a full-fledged dominitrix. Therefore....stop it. Yes, guys can be adorable. Yes, I'd like to catch them all. However, that doesn't mean they're all worth the proverbial "poking ball." Here's the deal, Q-Tpie, from one chica to another: you can look, but don't touch. Think of them as brothers. Constantly. Get a hobby. Take up gardening, or dog grooming--anything to get your hormones in check! (This is not to say that a harmless little fantasy here and there is all hormones. God knows we all have those. Just don't beat yourself up over it.)
---Leandra
Submitted: 02/23/01
Subject: He's Such A Hottie!
Q: � � � � there's a guy I can't get out of my head, but he's not my boyfriend. what do I do?
� ---yooka, FLA: � � � � It's called a crush, Yooka. (As sweet as the soft drink, and just as artificial.) Don't sweat it. One of the best ways to get rid of a crush is to either a.) date him or b.) watch him beat up his little brother/sister/mother, in a cozy home setting. Or c.) you could just let it fester and hope that it'll go away. A friend from high school swears by that tactic...speaking of which, her parole hearing is coming up next month. It's amazing what people classify as "stalking" these days.
---Leandra
Submitted: 02/23/01
Subject: I Think My Computer Is Trying To Kill Me...
Q: � � � � My computer often freezes on me. I have run programs testing for virus stuff, but nothing seems to help? Any advice?
---S.Kit, Middle Of NowhereA: � � � � How old is your computer? What programs make it freeze? Any program, or just specific ones, like net browsers or Microsoft Office? In addition to that, what kind of computer to do you have? It may need to be rebuilt, or need a new motherboard; then again, it might just need to be replaced. (If you ask a computer salesperson, that is.) Either way, it's probably expensive, and therefore, way out of my league. As a rule, I only advise on matters that won't cost more than $15 if I'm wrong. This site doesn't pay jack (much less, me), so your best bet is to seek out your friendly neighborhood uber-geek-type computer genius, have him or her go over you computer-saurus for free, and talk to the computer company you have to order parts from. Trust me on that one.
--Leandra
Submitted: 02/08/01
Subject: Can't Sleep, Must Rant
Q: � � � � Oh, man, I'm depressed. How come I never used to get depressed, but once I started being adult-like it happens every other month or so?
� ---Anonymous, AZA: � � � � I think it's hormones. We didn't have those as kids. Then again, we didn't have jobs, bills, cars, apartments, or idiot friends, either. Also, you're probably female. No offense, but you're aware, I'm sure, that women are prone to that sort of thing. If the Advil don't work, try some chocolate-covered turkey strips. Both have chemicals that trigger dopamine in the brain. Result? An all-natural, all-purpose fuzzy.
---Leandra