Night Flight

And yet another United flight attendant with a sense of humor: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines, we’d like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins, as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called “touch down.”

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Kate Reynolds!

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly."

On a recent flight to California on United, the flight attendant was quite a character. Not much was standard airline phrasing... "We are now going to show you a safety video. There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave a 757, so pay attention!"

10 July 1998
Inertial Guidance System Simplified

Ever wonder just what goes on inside all those "black boxes" that help an airliner get from Point A to Point B? This is how it works...sort of...

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where is isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is a variable constant called "error".

Kind of like reading the IRS tax rules, isn't it?!

3 July 1998
And the Award for Tactfulness Goes to...

There was a lot of turbulence and the whole aircraft was getting bounced around quite a bit. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement went something like this:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."

Happy 4th of July!

The normal passenger load for a C-130 transport is 90 passengers; a C-130 transport coming out of Saigon during the evacuation in the closing days of the Vietnam war took off with an amazing 437 people on board! The weight was well within the load-lifting capabilities of the C-130, but considering that the C-130 isn't anywhere close to the size of a 747, where did they put all those people?!

19 June 1998
One Way to Look at It

A student pilot, whose father happened to be an airline pilot, was talking to his instructor about life in general. He said, "When I die, I'm going to go quietly, not screaming and crying like my father's passengers!"

12 June 1998
And When the Big Hand Is On the Three...

When an aircraft is ready to take off, the pilot will normally request takeoff clearance from the tower by transmitting a phrase something like this: "Tower, two-one-Tango ready for takeoff." There are many variations on this theme and some of them can sometimes produce hilarious results.

Pilot, requesting a takeoff clearance: "Tower, one-three-Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff."

Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check your temperatures and pressures, keep the aircraft lined up on the runway by using..."

5 June 1998
Plenty of Time

KLM (Royal Dutch Airlines) and SLM (Suriname Airways) have an agreement to let SLM cockpit crews fly the Suriname - Holland connection 50% of the time, but always with a KLM cabin crew. As it happened one day, when the SLM crew got on board in Suriname, the KLM cabin crew-members, all female and all with nice tans from enjoying the tropical sun for a few days, were already on board.

As the SLM captain taxied out, he forgot to turn off the PA system and said to his co-pilot, "Did you see that cute, long-haired blonde back there? I'd love to invite her up here after takeoff to come and sit on my lap for a while!" Everyone on board began to laugh and the blonde in question, blushing deeply, ran forward to warn the captain that his PA was still transmitting.

As she passed, a little old lady tugged at her skirt and said in a kind voice, "No need to hurry, sweetheart, the captain said after takeoff."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Stuart Vervuurt, Paramaribo, Suriname!

29 May 1998
Paybacks Are Hell!

There were several airplanes "holding short" and waiting for takeoff clearance. All of them had pulled over into the holding area just short of the taxiway leading to the runway and were just sitting there, side by side, waiting for ATC to clear them for takeoff. An Eastern flight taxied into the area and continued slowly past the parked planes until it was blocking all other airplanes. The tower cleared the first plane for takeoff, but all they could do was complain, "We're blocked and can't get to the runway."

The tower then asked, "Who can reach the runway for takeoff?"

"Eastern 313 is ready to go!"

After being cleared for takeoff, one of the Eastern pilots whispered smugly over the radio, "Purdy slick, huh?"

As they started down the runway and got up to about 80 knots, someone keyed his microphone and rang the engine fire-warning alarm test. Hearing the alarm and thinking it was their own, Eastern immediately aborted the takeoff and reported, "Eastern 313, we're aborting for an engine fire warning...but we don't have any fire lights illuminated!"

As they taxied clear of the runway someone added, "Purdy slick, huh?"

22 May 1998 - Have a Safe and Happy Weekend...and Don't Forget Why We Have Memorial Day!

Squawk, Squawk!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Knocking/tapping sound coming from under the cargo compartment floor sounds like a little man with a hammer"

Mechanic's reply: "Found little man, took away hammer."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Ken Shinn, USAF C-130 Flight Engineer!

15 May 1998
Been There, Done That!

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. Sound like any of the flights you've been on?

8 May 1998
Touch and Go and Touch and Go and Touch…

The Cessna Skylane was about to touch down at an airport in Utah when one of the gauges began to oscillate. Although the offending gauge wasn't of any consequence at this point, it distracted the pilot enough to cause him to bounce the aircraft twice on the runway before finally getting it firmly planted on the ground.

Tower: "The third one was a grease-job."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bob Rothman (the guilty party)!

1 May 1998
I Want to Be a Pilot

This letter was published in Approach magazine some years ago and originated from an eighth grade class assignment in a small school in South Carolina.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bob Wilson!

24 April 1998
Now...Sit Down and Shut Up!

An 18-year-old pilot who had received his Private Pilot's license as soon as he became eligible on his 17th birthday was asked by the company that trained him if he would be interested in making a few bucks by flying someone only a few hundred miles for a business trip in Kalamazoo, Michigan...just a quick drop-off. He agreed to make the flight to get the free flight time. Being 18 and still in high school, he worked part time in the bar area of a local bowling alley to help pay for his flying.

The night before the flight, he checked the weather briefings to get an idea of what to expect in the morning and then went to work. While he was busy stocking the refrigerators in the bar with beer, one half-drunk bar patron in his mid-30's asked his drinking buddies if any of them knew what the forecast for the following morning was, since he had an early morning flight. Since his friends were half-drunk themselves and didn't have a clue about the weather, the 18-year-old pilot volunteered that there was about 5 knots of wind out of the south at 180 degrees, with visibility of a mile and scattered clouds at 800 feet.

The man just stared at him with a half-disgusted look on his face and asked how he knew that. The pilot just told him that he also had an early flight in the morning. Not realizing that the young man was a pilot, the patron asked condescendingly "Son, how old are you?" When the pilot answered, "Eighteen," the customer sneered, "Kid, just stick with your little beer-stocking job and let the pilots deal with the weather forecast. I've got a 5:30 a.m. flight to Kalamazoo, Michigan and I don’t need your bullsh*t forecast!"

As recognition dawned, the young man's amazement at such boorishness turned to recognition and a big "gotcha" grin. The patron just sat there, not saying a word for the rest of the evening, while his friends nearly fell out of their seats in hysterical laughter when "The Kid" set down the case of beer he was stocking, shook hands with the customer, and said, "Good evening Mr. Spargo, I'm pleased to be able to meet you before our departure...I'll be your pilot for tomorrow morning's flight."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger (name withheld in case the FAA is watching)!

17 April 1998
And If His Hearing Aid Fails?

The passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up and get the flight underway. The pilot and co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appeared to be blind and had their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbled down the aisle and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. At first the passengers didn't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines started spooling up and the airplane started moving down the runway.

The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves, and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. As the airplane started accelerating rapidly, people began to panic and some passengers were praying. As the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices became more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane had almost no runway remaining, everyone screamed at once and, at that very moment, the airplane lifted off and became airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathed a sigh of relief and turned to the captain, "You know, one of these days, the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Flo Wolfe Sharp of Systems Consulting Services, Inc.!

10 April 1998
Take That!

A 747 pilot was taxiing behind an Avro Regional Jet (also known somewhat derisively as a "Jumbolino") and was constantly picking on the Avro in in somewhat uncomplimentary terms: "Will stop behind the Jumbolino," "Will line up behind the little one," and so it went.

By the time the Avro was positioned on the runway and holding for takeoff clearance, its captain had had enough of the insults - it was time for revenge. The airbrakes on an Avro swing open on the left and right sides of the fuselage, near the rear of the aircraft. As the tower cleared him for take-off, the Avro captain opened his airbrakes, made a loud flatulent noise on the radio, closed the brakes, and took off.

Silence from the 747.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bert Aerts, of Hasselt, Belgium!

3 April 1998
The Whole Nine Yards...

The term, "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When aircraft were being armed on the ground, it was found that an ammo belt containing enough .50 caliber machine gun ammo to completely fill the ammo boxes in the wings measured exactly 27 feet in length. So, if the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

27 March 1998
"And Furthermore, Sonny..."

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving a smile and a friendly, "Thanks for flying XYZ Airline." This happened to be the first officer's leg to fly and he had just hammered his ship into the runway really hard. Expecting wisecracks and sarcastic comments from the departing passengers about his bad landing, he had a hard time looking them in the eye as they exited the plane.

Finally, everyone had gotten off with no wisecracks except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She stopped and said, "Sonny, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no, M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Flo Wolfe Sharp of Systems Consulting Services, Inc.!

20 March 1998
And the Big Hand Is On the...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

13 March 1998
What Was That?!

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.

Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."

6 March 1998
That's the Last Time I'll Ever Do That!

A navy SNJ (the navy version of the venerable T-6 Texan) student and his instructor were on their landing approach. Sounding nervous, the student told the instructor that he wasn't ready to land by himself just yet. Immediately, the rear canopy opened up and the control stick came flying out. The instructor then said to the student, "You have to land! You’re the only one with a control stick!" The student had no choice but to make the landing and as it turned out, he did a pretty good job, too.

The next day, the same exchange took place again between the same student and the same instructor. As the rear canopy opened and the control stick came flying out again, the front canopy also opened and another control stick came flying out of that one, too!

Thinking they were about to crash, the instructor stood up to bail out. Just in time, the student stopped him and let him in on the joke…the one that went over the side was a spare stick that the student had checked that morning and the real one was still firmly attached to the airplane.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Nancy Ashment!

27 February 1998
Quit Whining!

Senior airline captain complaining to the Chief Pilot: "I'm really getting tired of this...every time I wake up, the other two guys are reading!"

20 February 1998
76-Year-Old John Glenn's Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle

Here are the top ten modifications NASA is making to the shuttle Discovery in preparation for John Glenn's flight:

• All important devices will be operated by the "Clapper."
• The shuttle's thermostat will be set at 80 degrees.
• Shuffleboard will be installed in the cargo bay.
• "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria will be included on the menu.
• One monitor will be specifically designated for "Matlock."
• Space pants will now go up to the armpits.
• Little bowls of candy will be scattered randomly about the ship.
• Top speed of the shuttle will be set at 25 miles per hour.
• A new bifocal windshield will be installed.
• The left blinker will be left on for the entire mission.

13 February 1998
If I Knew That, I Wouldn't Be Talking to You!

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz (the international distress frequency) on a busy Saturday: "Lost aircraft, say your position."

6 February 1998
More Than We Needed to Know...

Tower: "Two-one-Zulu, turn right at this time and report your heading."

Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

30 January 1998
Kaboom!

Following a pretty hard landing, the pilot got on the PA system and told his passengers, "Sorry, folks, for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

23 January 1998
10,000 Unemployed Comedians and We Get...

On an American Airlines flight a few years ago, landing at Chicago's O'Hare, every passenger let out a startled "Oh!" as the 747 smacked down really hard onto the runway. Altering the usual "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just landed at Chicago's O'Hare...," the flight attendant announced over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just attacked O'Hare Airport!"

Chuckles and guffaws all around the cabin, but no response from the cockpit!

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger David Rockwell!

16 January 1998
Better Luck Next Time!

It was a flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy, bumpy day and during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it all the way down. After the extremely hard landing that resulted, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

9 January 1998
...And What's Yours?

21X-ray: "Tower, 21X-ray ready for takeoff."

Tower: "21X-ray, say your full sign." (Give your full call sign, such as, "Cessna 3521X-ray.")

21X-ray: "I’m a Libra."

2 January 1998
On vacation...Happy New Year to all!

26 December 1997
How Could I Have Missed That?!

The Air Force T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for fuel," said the pilot with a smirk.

The attendant replied, "Yep, that's true. Most pilots use the airport right over there," as he pointed toward the nearby runway.

19 December 1997
Former Cab Drivers?

While trying to keep the passengers from getting up and moving around before taxiing was completed, the flight attendant decided to try a slightly different approach when she announced over the PA: "Ladies and gentlemen, our pilots fly much better than they drive, so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal."

It worked...everyone stayed in their seats.

12 December 1997
First Things First, Then We'll Worry About the Landing...

It was a simulator training day at Continental in Denver, and the theme for the day was "Incapacitation of the PIC". On an ILS approach, just as the crew reported the outer marker, the captain, as briefed, slumped over the yoke. Ignoring the slumped-over captain, the FO slid his seat back and begin rummaging in his flight bag.

The instructor froze the simulation, stomped into the cockpit, and demanded to know what was going on. The FO replied with a grin, "Well, Harry here just died and I'm checking his seniority number."

5 December 1997
...Like I Haven't Got Enough to Do Already!

Santa was having a bad night…gusty winds, low visibility, and the reindeer were asking for more money. Trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, he was surprised to find a man with a shotgun standing next to his sleigh. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years, but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him and placed it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?"

The FAA inspector grumbled in reply, "You're gonna lose one on takeoff..."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Monica de Moss!

28 November 1997 - Happy Thanksgiving to All!
Uh, Could We Try That Question Again?

His aircraft badly bashed by tall corn, the pilot was doing his best to explain to the FAA crash investigator why there was no fuel in the tanks.

"This really wasn't the field I picked out," he said. "I realized I was too high to make the first one so I had to take this one. I was on short final when it hit me...I didn't know whether to land with the corn rows or against the corn rows. What is the standard corn field landing procedure?"

Without batting an eye, the inspector replied, "The standard corn field landing procedure is to buy gas at the airport." The pilot stood there blinking for several seconds before he answered.

"Oh."

21 November 1997
From the Pen of American Humorist Robert Benchley...

In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children.

14 November 1997
Does Detroit Know About This?

There was a really popular captain at Pan Am who was rather absent-minded. He had a history of missing trips and missing limo pickups at the hotels because he would forget. Everyone knew this and kept an eye on him. One day, when he drove his car to the airport for his trip, he decided to drop his book bag and luggage off in Operations before he drove to the employee parking lot. He left his car running out in front of Operations and went inside to drop off his bags. A curb-side baggage Skycap (who knew and liked him) watched him park and go inside.

Later, the Skycap checked inside to find the captain had departed on his trip, with his car still running out front. The Skycap parked the car and three days later (when the captain was scheduled to return), brought the car back to the same spot and left the engine running. When the captain came out (followed by everyone in Operations who knew what had happened), he exclaimed, "Oh, my God, it's still running!"

7 November 1997
Call Perry Mason!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Mechanic's reply: "Evidence removed."

31 October 1997
Trick or Treat?!

Sometimes, just being in close proximity to the opposite sex can have the most embarrassing effects on how well we manage to express ourselves. A very handsome male passenger caused an experienced flight attendant to get her words totally twisted around as she was taking drink orders prior to takeoff: "After we drink, what would you like to take off?"

Probably the best offer he had all day!

24 October 1997
Better Luck Next Time...

Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto the pontoons."

The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally, they strapped a moose to each pontoon. He went to the downwind end of the lake, firewalled it, and finally lifted off just at the far shore.

The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster and they ended up in the trees. When the noise finally stopped, the pilot looked at one of the hunters and said, "I told you SOB's we couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!"

The hunter replied, "Well, we got about a half-a-mile farther than we did last year!"

17 October 1997
...And We'll Leave the Light On for You!

"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc.

At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...

The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: "33W, confirm you have 'Hotel.' "

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn't make it any easier to stop laughing)...

Approach: "United 583, descend to Flight Level 220."

United 583: "United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don't have a hotel room, either."

10 October 1997
And With a Wave of Her Wand...

It was late at night, the tower controllers were a little bored, and the Mooney pilot had just landed and turned off the runway. This prompted the following exchange: "Lunken Ground, Mooney seven-two-five-one-Sierra, I wish to taxi to the terminal ramp."

"Five-one-Sierra, this is your fairy godmother. Your first wish has been granted...you now have two left!"

3 October 1997
...Dummy!

Squawk-sheet entry: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Mechanic's reply: That's what they're there for.

26 September 1997
Don't Ask, Just Do It!

Tower: "Two Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"

2AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"

Tower: "Well, at 4000 feet, you'll miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft. and that's bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

19 September 1997
As They Said in "Blazing Saddles," It's Twew, It's Twew!

One of our favorite flight attendants was the one with a name badge on her blazer identifying her as, "O. Miss." Might as well go with what everyone called her!

12 September 1997
And for My Next Trick...

It seems that our hero, Tom, was working the local air traffic control sector with a nervous FPL (Full Performance Level controller i.e.fully qualified) watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a one-mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might be just barely enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes, as long as it didn't endanger anyone, since that's the best way to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble to Tom, "If this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keyed his transmitter. He intended to say, "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold. Be ready for immediate." *

What actually came out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time) was, "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold. Be ready for a miracle."

There was a pregnant pause on the frequency, and the then commuter pilot said "Tower, I think under the circumstances, we'd better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

( * Which means "taxi onto takeoff position on the runway and hold there, then be ready for immediate takeoff the moment you're cleared.")

5 September 1997
Squawk This!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Mechanic's reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

29 August 1997
...And You're Ugly, Too!

While reading a flying magazine article on Human Factors that related to a pilot's decision on whether he is personally fit to fly, the pilot reading the article read the following portion of the text aloud to everyone present in the pilot's lounge: "If you don't look well, you shouldn't fly."

A CFI (flight instructor) who happened to be there interpreted the statement differently from the way in which the magazine had intended, relating it to personal attractiveness rather than health, and said, somewhat pensively, "Well, that'll ground most of us, won't it?"

22 August 1997
Gotcha!

Our hero had friends who lived in Aspen and a standing invitation to visit. Returning from one of his visits, he ended up on the plane with one of the stereotypical "beautiful people" from Aspen sitting next to him. You know the type…new money, $10,000 worth of clothes, and a $3000 Rolex.

No sooner do they get airborne, than the pony-tailed Aspenite starts going on at considerable length about how he retired several years ago at age 28 with ten million dollars and now just travels and enjoys life. Being just an average working guy like everyone else, our hero was getting a little tired of hearing this guy talk about all his money, but he just sat and listened politely.

When the flight attendant came around to take drink orders, Pony Tail ordered tonic and Gilbey's gin. When the flight attendant told him that they didn't stock Gilbey's, he whined and complained and finally settled for a plain tonic, which our hero also ordered. While they waited for their tonics, Pony Tail continued to grumble and pout.

As it turned out, the travel gods were smiling upon our hero this day. Being somewhat frugal, our hero just happened to have brought along two airline mini-bottles of gin, saved from a previous trip. Not only was it gin…it was Gilbey's gin!

As our hero opened and emptied both bottles of Gilbey's into his own glass of tonic, he announced to Pony Tail, "Well, you know, I retired a few years back, too, with about twenty million and I fly back and forth on this trip two or three times a month. That's how I knew they don't have Gilbey's."

15 August 1997
And In This Corner...!

Turkish Airlines fired two pilots recently for engaging in a fist-fight in the cockpit of an Airbus 340 with 240 passengers aboard. We'd love to see the CVR (Cockpit Voice Recorder) transcript on this one!

8 August 1997
Get Out the Grill!

DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."

Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."

Lonestar (a few moments later): "Tower, we hit something."

DFW Tower: "You did WHAT?!!"

Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. You know, some sort of road kill or something."

DFW Tower: "UPS 31 Heavy, be advised that traffic that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."

UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"

1 August 1997
Stand By to Surface!

Heard on the ground-control frequency at BNA (Nashville, Tennessee):

Comair 4210: "Hey, that altimeter setting we got on the approach shows us 15 feet underground!"

TWR: "Well then, up-periscope and taxi to the ramp!"

25 July 1997
But I Thought You Did the Preflight!

Any good lawyer would sue the airplane owner for not properly placarding his airplane over this one. It seems two men recently decided to go for a joy ride in a Beech Baron 58 but the twin used all 7,198 feet of Runway 17L at Oklahoma City's Wiley Post Airport, then continued 600 to 800 feet through the perimeter fence.

Investigators discovered that the elevators had been removed from the aircraft for maintenance.

18 July 1997
Up, Up, and...Oops!

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. The pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Ten thousand or so penguins turn their heads in unison, watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, according to the paper, the fun begins: "The pilots then fly directly away from the shore, out to sea, and then turn and fly straight back in and right over the top of the penguin colony. Heads go up, up, up...and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

11 July 1997
Go To Your Room!

It's almost Oshkosh time again (the huge annual Experimental Aircraft Association airshow held each summer in Ohskosh, Wisconsin). With all the people who fly in each year for the show, there is an almost constant flow of inbound air traffic. Most people pay close attention to the controllers and traffic generally flows fairly smoothly - till the occasional eight-ball shows up...

Last year, one inbound Cessna 172 just couldn't seem to do anything right. Finally, the exasperated controller shook his finger at the offending Cessna and hollered, "Don't make me come up there!"

4 July 1997
Now That We've Got That Straight...

Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"

2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."

Student pilot (who forgot to ask the control tower for surface wind conditions): "Please pass wind."

27 June 1997
Some People Just Never Listen

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.

Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"

20 June 1997
Just like Johnny Cash...One Piece at a Time

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Gotcha!

13 June 1997
Still More Squawks!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Something loose in cockpit."
Mechanic's reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Squawk-sheet entry: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic's reply: Live bugs on order.

6 June 1997
"How Slow Can You Go?"

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this…

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

30 May 1997
"Thank You for Flying..."

Flight attendants, for the most part, do a really great job of handling the cranks, nitwits, crying babies, and all the others who come their way every day...all this in addition to being responsible for a lot of other things, including the safety and well-being of their passengers. And they do all this with a smile. Although management probably doesn't appreciate their talents, many of them have missed their callings as standup comics. Witness the following as the flight attendant made her pre-takeoff PA announcements:

"In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we crash," she told her passengers, "you can use your complimentary snack to repel sharks."

And on another flight, shortly before landing...

"Please be sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position, and that all carry-on baggage is stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. This does not include small children."

23 May 1997
Innovation!

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

16 May 1997
That'll Learn Ya!

The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at about 2:00 a.m. he would stop at a small airport and check in with, "Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?"

The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "Guess who?" callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled, "Guess who?" once too often.

The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded, "Jones Field, guess where!" The freight pilot's radio procedures were impeccable from then on.

9 May 1997
Take That!

The famous lawyer, F. Lee Bailey, in his book, "Cleared for the Approach," tells a great story about flying his Lear Jet into Otis Air Force Base on business. As he taxied out for takeoff after concluding his business, the tower operator, who was feeling chatty, said, "I understand that Lear Jet's a pretty hot airplane."

"For a civilian airplane," Bailey replied, "it is very hot indeed."

The tower operator continued, "What we have down here are airplanes with afterburners. With the 'burner lit, we can go right by you!"

Annoyed at the affront to his Lear, Bailey answered, "I'm sure you can, but no civilian would be foolish enough to waste fuel on an afterburner. Now then, request permission for a short-field takeoff."

"Short-field takeoff approved," said the controller generously, unaware that the Lear was very light, with just one passenger and only about a thousand pounds of fuel on board for the short 18-mile hop back to Martha's Vineyard.

Bailey lined the Lear up on the runway, stood on the brakes, and wound the turbines up to more than 100 percent power, till they were nearly ready to scream out of their pods. As soon as the engines were giving all the power they had, he released the brakes and rocketed down the runway into a moderate breeze. After a ground run of only about eight hundred feet, Bailey pulled the nose up to about forty degrees above the horizon, pulled up the gear, and left the flaps down. The Lear crossed the field boundary at nine thousand feet!

The tower controller, craning his neck to keep the Lear in sight, tried not to sound impressed. "That's not half bad for a civilian airplane," he drawled. "What do you boys do for an encore?"

Trying to sound equally casual (and trying to keep from laughing), Bailey keyed the microphone and said, "Why son, we just light off the other engine!"

2 May 1997
1997 Darwin Award Winner Announced

Moved to the Darwin Awards page.

25 April 1997
"The Seat Belt Light is Now On..."

A BAC One-Eleven of British Airways carrying tourists to Malaga, Spain, touched down perfectly at Southampton after a dramatic flight from East Midlands airport. Not long into the flight, over Oxfordshire at 23,000 feet, there was a sudden loud bang as the left windscreen, replaced only the day before, blew out, causing a violent rush of air from the cockpit. It sucked out every loose object - including Captain Tim Lancaster.

Just in the nick of time, the co-pilot grabbed his legs, preventing him from being sucked completely out of the aircraft. One of the stewards on board then hung onto his legs for the next 18 minutes with him half out of the aircraft, while the co-pilot brought the airliner down at Southampton. Amazingly, Lancaster escaped with only frostbite, bruises, and a broken elbow, wrist, and thumb.

18 April 1997
And Now You Know the Rest of the Story!

We're not sure if this actually happened, since it appeared right around April Fool's Day, but we thought we'd share it anyway...

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their sinking ship. Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment as soon as authorities questioned the sailors on the loss of their their ship.

To a man, they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold, and had then hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

11 April 1997
The Airplane

An airplane's just a lot of fabric, stretched across a frame.
They dope it up and sand it down and tag it with a name.

Upon the nose they place a prop, a flimsy-looking thing;
And then a tail to help it sail...and rudder, wheel, and wing.

And when they think they've done enough, they start to wonder why
A contraption of such varied stuff could ever really fly!

~Author Unknown

4 April 1997
More Squawk Sheets

More from the quick wits who keep 'em flying...

Squawk-sheet entry: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Mechanic's reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

28 March 1997
The Red Baron Rides Again

The tower advised the student aerobatic pilot, who was in the middle of a lesson, to switch to a different frequency. As soon as she did, she heard, "Bangity-bangity-bang..." on the radio. She looked around just in time to see her boss from the FBO where she worked, right on her tail in a replica Fokker triplane, "gunning her brains out." Since she was in a trainer (a Great Lakes biplane) and he was in a replica fighter, what chance did she have? At least this was the excuse she was able to come up with by the time she landed.

The next week, she found him right on her tail again, exactly the same as before. Well, almost the same...except that this time was that he was flying a DC-3!

~ Contributed by one of our Fudpucker passengers whose original E-mail we accidentally deleted. Our apologies!

21 March 1997
Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

In 1972, Air France, eager not only to promote its own use of Concorde, but also to support the makers of the Anglo-French supersonic airliner, put on the most dramatic demonstration ever of the airliner's superior speed.

At 8.22 am Eastern Standard Time, an Air France Concorde took off from Boston's Logan airport and set course for Paris. The takeoff was timed to coincide with the departure from Paris's Orly airport of an Air France 747 bound for Boston.

When the two flights passed one another (with the Concorde flying at twice the 747's altitude), the Jumbo had covered only 620 miles, while the SST had already covered 2,400 miles. The Concorde landed at Paris, spent one hour and eight minutes on the ground, then headed back to Boston.

It arrived 11 minutes before the 747!

14 March 1997
Never a Periscope Around When You Need One!

Former astronaut John Glenn tells an interesting story of air-to-air combat during the Korean War. Back in those days, American pilots flew the North American F-86 Sabre Jet, achieving a 15-to-1 kill ratio over the North Korean pilots, who flew the MiG-15. Although the MiG could out-climb and turn tighter than the F-86, the F-86 could out-dive the MiG and was, in general, more skillfully flown.

According to Col. Glenn, the MiG had a very basic flaw that American pilots quickly turned to their advantage. In a dive, the MiG’s cockpit air conditioning system often couldn’t keep up with the rapid temperature and pressure changes associated with equally rapid change in altitude in a high-speed dive. The result was that the air conditioning system momentarily filled the inside of the cockpit with fog, briefly cutting off the pilot’s ability to see outside.

In a dogfight, the American pilots would force the MiG into a dive, watch for the fog to form, then move in and shoot him down. Sometimes, they didn’t even have to pull the trigger…they just flew him into the ground, instead. If the MiG was low enough when he went into his dive and the fog formed, by the time the cloud cleared and he could see outside again, he was already a smokin’ hole in the ground.

7 March 1997
Razorbacks

Air Force One landed at Andrews Air Force Base and taxied to the ramp. A ramp was wheeled up and President Clinton appeared, carrying a pig under each arm. As he came down the steps, the Marine at the bottom snapped a salute.

Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me, son, I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes, sir. I see the pigs, Sir!" responded the Marine.

"Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just ordinary pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks!"

"Yes, Sir! Razorbacks, Sir!" snapped the Marine.

"I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea," Clinton explained.

The Marine answered, "Yes, Sir! And an excellent trade it was, if I may say so, myself, Sir!"

28 February 1997
Who's On First

TWA 154: "Approach, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?!"

Approach: "What makes you think it's your altitude, Captain?"

21 February 1997
Gotcha!

This is a WWII tale that's been told and retold since the war by veteran Allied pilots...

In an attempt to trick the Allied pilots into wasting their bombs on a target of no value, the Germans constructed a phony airfield. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, wooden oil tanks, wooden gun emplacements, wooden trucks, and, of course, wooden aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo-recon experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a single, large, wooden bomb.

(Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.)

14 February 1997
Squawk Sheets

The no. 3 engine was running a little rough, so the pilot wrote it up on the squawk sheet: "Number three engine missing."

The mechanic's report read, "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

7 February 1997
New Math

Eastern 304: Approach, how far behind that other traffic are we?

Approach: Three miles.

Eastern 304: That doesn't look like three miles to us.

Approach: You're a mile-and-a-half from him, he's a mile-and-a-half from you...that's three miles!

31 January 1997
Breakfast in L.A., Lunch in New York, and Luggage in Paris

After finally getting through the line and reaching the airline ticket counter, a woman passenger promptly informed the ticket agent, "I want to go to Miami but I want my luggage to go to Cleveland."

The ticket agent replied, "I'm sorry madam, but we can't do that!"

"Why not? You did it last week!

24 January 1997
You Get What You Pay For

Never let it be said that the Russians don't understand the principles of capitalism...

Tower: "Aeroflot 2267, vacate the runway at high-speed taxiway Delta."

Aeroflot 2267: "Aeroflot 2267, ve pay all runway, ve use all runway!"

17 January 1997
10,000 Unemployed Comedians, and We Get...

One of PSA's 727 captains used to board the aircraft via the aft air-stairway and walk to the cockpit with a large book titled "How to Fly the Boeing 727" under his arm in full view of the passengers.

The same guy would then leave the PA hot and treat the passengers to a cockpit routine that began with, "Hey...do you remember how to start this thing?"

10 January 1997
In Memorium

This week's story is dedicated to the crew and passengers of Comair flight 3272, which went down yesterday near Detroit, and to those they left behind. We'd like to think they'd have enjoyed this one.

The night flight from Washington, D.C. was routine until the plane landed in Indianapolis. While taxiing in from the runway, the plane suddenly came to a halt, still a considerable distance from the terminal. After sitting on the taxi-way for several minutes, still waiting for the plane to move again, many passengers began to get restless.

Old pro that he was, the captain changed tension to amusement by announcing, "Ladies and gentlemen, I flew this multi-million-dollar aircraft all the way from D.C. to Indianapolis...at night...and I found the airport on my very first try! Unfortunately, I have to wait until a guy with a couple of 99-cent flashlights shows me where to park it."

3 January 1997
Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Southwest Airlines is famous for its no-frills transfer-your-own-bag policy. It's also notorious for the statue of a Texas Ranger at Love Field whose drawn pistol at hip level is anything but family fare when viewed from the side. It was the sculptor's revenge when the Dallas City Council tried its own version of "no frills" with his commission fee.

27 December 1996
Les Johnson

This one happened at a Navy training squadron in California. After landing, new ensign wrote up this complaint about an A-7 that he just finished flying, "Pilot relief tube too short." (The pilot relief tube is a device that allows a male pilot to relieve himself in flight if he's had a little too much coffee before climbing into the cockpit.)

When Maintenance investigated the squawk, they found that the relief tube was tangled around the base of the stick. After correcting the problem, they gave the pilot's chain (and probably his ego) a good yank by signing off the maintenance form like this: "Pilot relief tube found to be of sufficient length for enlisted personnel."

20 December 1996
Deja Vu All Over Again!

In the early 60's a Japan Airlines captain was given an ATC (Air Traffic Control) clearance to hold at a certain fix before landing at Hawaii. He responded, "I am not familiar with that fix. It has been a long time since I've flown into Hawaii."

The controller queried, " How long has it been?"

After a brief pause, the reply came back, "December 7th, 1941."

And one more for the holidays...
If All Else Fails, Read the Directions!

It seems the FAA has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems that the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken, and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to re-check the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: use a thawed chicken!

13 December 1996
Is that you, Juliet?

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 46 Romeo, contact tower."

46 Romeo: No reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 46 Romeo, contact tower."

46 Romeo: Again, no reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 2346 Romeo, Norfolk Approach..."

46 Romeo: Still no reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

6 December 1996
I'll Get You for This!

One day at a small FBO in Florida everyone was gathered around the radio to moniter the boss's daughter, who was taking her very nervous boyfriend for a ride. When they were still a couple of miles out, on final approach, one of the group grabbed the mike and said, "Navion 4421 Kilo, be advised that I cannot see your gear down at this time..." and then sat back to watch the fun. He may have been deceptive, but he wasn't lying; at that distance, he could truthfully say that he couldn't see the landing gear.

The tower was no help, either. After receiving an appropriate supply of doughnuts as a bribe, they were more than happy to go along with the gag. After entertaining everyone with about five low approaches trying to get someone to verify that her gear was down, she finally figured out that she'd been had and landed safely...but she never did find out who was responsible.

29 November 1996
...And You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day!

The pilot of a helicopter that crashed last week in the mountains of southwest Colombia is still missing...again.

He was found and rescued shortly after the crash, but then he promptly managed to fall out of the army helicopter that rescued him! Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps...

15 November 1996
What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

8 November 1996
Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

1 November 1996
Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.

25 October 1996
Gotcha!

As the cute brunette flight attendant was going down the aisle passing out magazines, a smart-alec male passenger asked with a smirk, "Do you have Playboy or Penthouse?" She politely promised to check for him and came back a few minutes later with a magazine in hand.

Leaning down, she said, "Here you are, sir. I think you'll really enjoy the beaver shot in the centerfold,"...and handed him a copy of Outdoor Life.

18 October 1996
If All Else Fails, Read the Directions!

Some of today's more modern, more sophisticated aircraft are equipped with automatic landing systems. Following a maintenance test flight on a large jet, the pilot-in-command wrote in the aircraft log, "Aircraft satisfactory, except auto-land very rough."

The mechanic's sign-off on the squawk was, "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

4 October 1996
Blind Man's Bluff

The first announcement started with the familiar, "Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay. If you would like to stretch your legs in the passenger lounge..." You know the routine.

Well, as it happened, Ray Charles was on the aircraft and the Captain asked him if he would like to stretch his legs. He replied "No, thank you, but I would appreciate it if you could take my dog for a short walk." The Captain cheerfully obliged, but they say it took three hours to get the passengers back on the plane after seeing the Captain walk through the passenger lounge with sunglasses and a seeing-eye dog.

27 September 1996
Plunk Your Magic Twanger, Froggie!

It was an all-nighter from L.A. to New York, all the passengers were tucked in, and things were pretty boring. Since there was nothing to do, one of the male flight attendants, who also moonlighted as a hairdresser, was sitting in the galley service area with another flight attendant, braiding her hair for her. A female passenger who looked something like, "Who did that and ran?" came in and asked, "Oh, could you do me next, just like her?"

The male flight attendant looked down at his comb, then looked up at the woman and said, "Lady, this is a comb, not a wand!"

20 September 1996
Caution, 900-Pound Gorilla at Work!

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain. I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and pulls the handles off is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it by hand!"

13 September 1996
Mama Didn't Raise No Fools!

Unknown Aircraft (somewhat cleaned up for the faint-of-heart): "I'm f--king bored!"

Air Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid!"

30 August 1996
Big Ego, Small Brain

A young hot-shot, whose ego was bigger than his brain, was flying escort for a B-52 in a twin-engine F-15 fighter, swooping and rolling around the lumbering old bomber and just being a general horse's you-know-what. After several minutes of these antics, the big-mouth said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Unruffled, the veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hotshot." The B-52 just continued flying right along, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So, what did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Try that in an F-15!

23 August 1996
Bad Hair Day?

The La Guardia-based aircraft mechanic was having a bad day. He'd been working too many double shifts. As he drove his tug full-speed through the quarter-open hanger doors, he forgot one small thing: to unhook the 727 he was towing.

9 August 1996
Not Guilty!

You'll have to excuse our French on this one, but if you try to dress it up, it somehow loses something in the translation...

It was a miserable night. Flights were stacked up to what would have been normal cruising altitudes and the pilots were hounding air traffic controllers for descent, approach, and landing clearances. One harassed controller, on a frequency that was heard by a majority of the impatient crews, finally snapped at one crew requesting a lower altitude, "American 812, NEGATIVE! I'll get you guys down as soon as I can. We're doing the best we can!"

Back came the voice of an unidentified pilot: "Bullshit!"

Such language is naturally forbidden on the radio and, under the existing conditions, was strongly resented by the controller. "Attention all flights!" she barked. "Who said that?!"

There was a dramatic pause while the pilots pondered the horrible crime. Then came the first reply from one crew who had been listening: "United 452, negative on the bullshit." One by one, all the other flights joined in on the denial...

"American 355, negative on the bullshit."

"TWA 27, negative on the bullshit."

"Braniff 309, negative on the bullshit."

"Continental 611, negative on the bullshit."

"Delta 419, negative on the bullshit."

"Eastern 983, negative on the bullshit."

The replies continued for several more minutes from every other flight on that frequency and undoubtedly included an earnest "not-guilty" from the offending crew. By the end of the first several replies, the controller (and everyone else within earshot) had gotten a severe case of the giggles and had to take a break for a few minutes so she could stop laughing.

2 August 1996
Duh!

Voices all tend to sound so much alike through headphones and intercoms that you sometimes can't tell if what you're hearing is coming from your own aircraft or someone else's, as the following conversation shows all too well. In this case, a helicopter was in a holding pattern at an altitude of 3000 feet over the Cubla beacon, which is an electronic navigation aid.

Helicopter pilot to Approach Control: "Affirmative, I'm holding at 3000 over Cubla beacon."

Second voice, also on the same frequency: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that same beacon and at the same altitude, too!"

Brief pause, then the first pilot's voice again (loudly): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot!!"

26 July 1996
And Your Other Choice Is...

A flight attendant had had enough of a male passenger who insisted on stowing his briefcase in the overhead rack, rather than under his seat, as required by regulations. Finally out of patience, she told him, "Sir, there are only two places where I'll let you put that briefcase and one of them is under the seat!"

19 July 1996
How About Rearview Mirrors?

The Boeing 727 was getting ready to depart the terminal and there were several passengers still in the aisles putting luggage in overhead racks, chasing children, and generally just milling around. The flight attendant's first announcement for everyone to please be seated went ignored, so her next announcement was, "Would everyone please be seated so the Captain can see to back up?!"

Everyone promptly sat down.

12 July 1996
You Gotta Be Kiddin'!

On one occasion, a DC-10 crew nearly caused the ramp agent to faint as they taxied up to the gate after landing. The entire cockpit crew - the pilot, the copilot, and the flight engineer - were all wearing three-foot-long dreadlock wigs.

You had to see it to believe it!

5 July 1996
From the "People Who Don't Have a Clue" Department . . .

In LA, a single engine plane went down short of Burbank airport. Both people on board survived. The pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage and told rescuers he was trying to make Burbank airport, but ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock.

Commenting on the lack of fire, the Fire Marshal in charge of the rescue said, "They're just lucky there was no fuel on board!"

28 June 1996
No, That's Not What I Said!

21 June 1996
Fuzz

A female controller happened to be working ground control one day. As luck would have it, she was experiencing trouble with her radio. Realizing the problem, she began her next transmission with, "American 241, is my transmission fuzzy?"

There was a slight pause as the captain thought it over...and then replied, "I don't know, honey, how old are you?"

14 June 1996
Oops!

The cabin crew was made up entirely of new flight attendants and the flight attendant in charge had been flying for only a month. After experiencing severe turbulence, the captain found a hole in the clouds and decided to make a steeper-than-normal descent. He informed the cabin crew of his intentions right after they had just finished passing out another round of drinks, snacks, and peanuts.

Totally flustered by the captain's request to immediately inform the passengers of the upcoming descent, the flight attendant in charge picked up the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, hold onto your drinks and nuts, we'll be going down fast."

7 June 1996
Future Flight

The flight crew of the future will consist of only a pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything.

Take Me Home!